by Eric Vall
Todd, the succubi, and I wandered over to the table and tried to find our seats.
I pulled out the chair immediately to the right of the head of the table, but Sia shook her head profusely.
“Not that one,” she warned. “That’s reserved for Asmodeus’ right hand man. Or succubus, in this case.”
I scooted down two more seats, pulled out the upholstered chair, and tried to get comfortable in its embrace.
“Not there, Todd,” Sia explained to the imp. “That’s where Asmodeus’ feeder needs to sit.”
“Wait, this pansy-ass jabroni has a person who feeds him?” Todd frowned and crossed his arms.
“Feeds him … dabs his face with a napkin … tastes his food for poison … ” the redhead continued. “You know, typical King stuff.”
“I hate to break it to ya, Jakey,” the imp mused as he stood up on the table and walked toward another chair, “but I’m not gonna be your feeder, and I’m definitely not gonna dab your face with a cloth. Fuck, I didn’t even do that with my ex-girlfriends.”
“Please stop talking,” Cupi gagged as she sat down. “Please, please don’t talk about your sexual encounters once dinner starts.”
“Actually, that might not be a bad idea,” Superbia admitted. “As you can all see, Asmodeus is quite the nymphomaniac. Perhaps being overtly sexual would be a plus in his eyes.”
“I dunno,” the blonde succubus shot back. “I just want to get through this diplomatic meeting without vomiting all over the table, that’s all.”
Just as we were all getting situated in our not-so-comfortable seats, the room was filled with the smooth tunes of a bass guitar.
“All rise for the arrival of Asmodeus, King of the First Circle and Master of Love,” Ronaldo’s voice rang out from the doorway on the other side of the room.
The five of us stood up, and then we watched as Asmodeus sauntered into the room with his purple cape and bedazzled cane.
The King of the First Circle held his head high as he walked, and he had a look on his face about as punchable as a frat boy at a yacht club. He strutted over to the chair at the end of the table as Ronaldo and Mirage pulled it out, and then he nonchalantly shoved his cane into Ronaldo’s hands. Asmodeus reached up and literally brushed the cape off his shoulders, and then he sat down at the head of the table.
Ronaldo sat down at the left of the demon, and Mirage sat at his right.
Finally, Asmodeus lifted up his hand, made a fist, and the funky bass beats stopped.
“Good evening, friends and allies,” the Demon King announced. “I hope you had plenty of time to enjoy my facilities. You’re most certainly not going to find anything similar in the rest of the Circles. My cathedral is a pure pleasure town in Hell!”
Sia bowed her head. “We are very grateful for your generosity, Asmodeus,” she noted, “and we truly did appreciate the use of your facilities.”
“You were in the purple room, no?” the demon asked slyly. “Please tell me you made the most of those delicious toys in there?”
“We did, Asmodeus,” Ira spoke up from across the table. “It was as wonderful as our wildest dreams. You’re going to need a full-on cleaning crew in that place if you ever want to get it back to normal.”
Asmodeus sat back in his chair and placed his hands behind his head.
“That’s what I like to hear!” he exclaimed, and then he leaned forward and glanced in my direction. “What about you, Mr. Ralston? Is that what you want me to call you? Or would you prefer ‘King Ralston’ or ‘His Royal Majesty, Jacob Ralston?”
“‘Jacob’ is fine,” I reassured the demon. “But if we want to be formal, I guess ‘King Ralston’ would be alright. And, uh, yes. Your facilities went far and beyond my wildest expectations.”
Asmodeus clapped his hands together. “Marvelous!” he cackled. “Now that there’s a part of you in me, let’s get a part of me in you!”
“Beg pardon?” I asked somewhat nervously.
Meanwhile, Todd’s face contorted as he did everything in his power to keep from laughing.
“The food, King Ralston,” Asmodeus explained. “The greatest chefs in the First Circle are at my disposal, and they’ve whipped up something that’s going to make all of you feel warm and fuzzy on the inside. I prefer foods that are creamy, salty, and high in protein. And when they hit the back of your throat, you are just going to have to gulp it all down with delight!”
Todd’s lip was now quivering, and his eyes were watering from his restraint.
The lanky demon held up his finger and whistled.
Immediately, a small army of Shades, completely clad in old-school chef clothing, dashed into the room carrying silver platters and silverware wrapped in red napkins. They sat the utensils and plates down in front of us, lifted up the cover, and then scurried out without saying a single word.
On the silver plate sat a large, juicy steak that looked like it had just been seared on the grill. It was perfectly brown on the outside with a handful of checkered markings, and it appeared to be marinating in its own juices as it sat on the platter. The meat was marbled with bits of white fat, and my mouth started to drool the second I saw the dish in all its glory.
Beside the steak sat a pile of candied carrot slices and a large baked potato smothered in silky sour cream, chives, and bacon bits. As if that weren’t enough, the delicious side dish had what looked to be an entire layer of melted cheddar cheese and butter smeared all over the top.
“You should feel honored, King Ralston.” Asmodeus smiled. “Actual bovine steak is something that isn’t allowed in Hell, even in the First Circle. Mostly because, even at its worst, it’s still better than almost any other food out there. Luckily for you five, I know a guy. A guy who you know too, King Ralston.”
I racked my brain as I bit into the first bit of carrots and felt my mouth fill with tangy pleasure. Then it hit me. There was somebody we knew from the First Circle, somebody who dealt exclusively with contraband.
“Black Bart,” I said with a laugh.
“Precisely,” Asmodeus confirmed, and then Ronaldo placed the first bit of steak into his mouth.
I quickly cut a small hunk of meat off my entree and popped it into my mouth. My eyes rolled back in my head as I chomped down the tender flesh of the steak and a wave of juicy, succulent flavor hit me like a ton of bricks.
“So, you’re friends with that old pirate?” I asked after I had scarfed down the first few bits.
Ronaldo dabbed Asmodeus’ lips, and then the Demon King responded.
“Black Bart and I go way back,” he explained. “All the way back to when he first arrived in the First Circle, actually. I cut him a deal … I’d help him steal one of Charon’s ships and look the other way to his pirating endeavors. In return, he’d smuggle me contraband Lucifer doesn’t allow in his domain.”
“Is that why we’re here?” I tried to get straight to the point. “You want to make a deal?”
Ronaldo shoveled another bite of steak into the King’s mouth, and then he dabbled up the juice that dripped down his chin.
“More or less,” Asmodeus admitted. “I was impressed when I heard you outsmarted Black Bart, King Ralston. You can only imagine my thoughts when I heard you’d killed Azazel and taken his throne.”
“That’s what I want to know,” I said as I subtly tightened my grip on my knife. “What were you thinking about the sudden change in leadership?”
“I thought it was a much needed change,” the King of the First Circle sighed. “Azazel was a masterful general, but he was far from a bundle of sunshine to be around. I don’t think any of the other Demon Kings will shed a tear now that he’s gone.”
“Speaking of the other Demon Kings,” I segued, “as Charon probably told you, I’ve got a bit of an issue on my hands.”
“Indeed you do.” Asmodeus nodded grimly. “Beelzebub is just as dangerous as Azazel was, if not more so. At least with the Father of Warfare, he’d tell you upfront if he hated your gu
ts and wanted to see them spilled on the ground. The Lord of the Flies, though? He’ll wear a ten-mile smile on his face while he penetrates your body with eight hard inches of steel.”
“Oh come on!” Todd muttered under his breath, but he didn’t crack.
“So, what do you suggest we do about this problem?” I continued. “You sent me that candygram--”
“Which was lovely, by the way,” Sia interjected.
“Thank you , Superbia,” Asmodeus chuckled. “It took all of Ronaldo’s creative juices to get that one put together.”
“Just doing my job, sir,” Ronaldo retorted. “I--”
“Did I say you could talk?” Asmodeus hissed. “Less talky-talky and more feedy-feedy.”
“Yes, sire,” the man with the long-top hair sighed, and then he put a spoonful of potatoes in the demon’s mouth.
“Anyway,” I tried to get us back on track, “I’m assuming your message means you want to form an alliance of some sort?”
“Right to the chase.” The demon grinned. “I love it. Yes, I would like to throw my full support behind you, King Ralston. With the hopes that you would return the favor, of course.”
“Why wouldn’t I?” I offered. “If you’re our ally and somebody attacks you, of course you can count on us to be there.”
“I was thinking maybe a bit more than that … ” the Demon King continued. “I know you are powerful, Jacob Ralston. Frankly, the only reason I’m cutting you this deal is because I’m afraid of you.”
“Afraid of him?” Mirage nearly choked on her steak.
“Damn straight,” Cupiditas added as she stared down the brunette succubus.
“I’m ashamed to admit it, but it’s true,” Asmodeus said nonchalantly. “If you brought down Azazel, then you could easily take down me. I’m not exactly the greatest of fighters, but what I lack in hand-to-hand prowess I more than make up for in charisma. And cock size. Not to brag but … the girth of my arm.”
“Wouldn’t that crack a babe in half?” Todd finally broke his silence. “It’d be like forcing a chicken onto a watermelon. Sure, it’ll probably work, but that thing loses its whole structural integrity in the process.”
“Don’t worry about the logistics of it, imp,” Asmodeus shot back. “I’m trying to make a deal with your King.”
“Alright, fine,” I said with a nod. “So, you’re willing to lend me your army and support as long as I agree not to turn on you, right?”
“Correct.” The Demon King smiled. “Buuuuuttt, there was something else I wanted to get out of this deal.”
I frowned. “Go on, then.”
“I want access to your undercover contacts,” he stated. “I know you’ve swayed many powerful demons, angels, and Shades over to your side, and I want to take a bite of that sweet, sweet pie.”
Todd looked back and forth between me and Asmodeus with a look of absolute awe plastered to his face. He wanted so bad to make a joke, and I guessed steam was going to come out of his ears at any second.
“How on Earth does that benefit me?” I answered tensely. “These people could both easily lose their heads if their identity is revealed. Especially if they start going around helping out any old Demon King.”
“It benefits you because you need my army,” Asmodeus mused as he sat back and picked at his teeth. “I may be afraid of you, King Ralston, but I fear Beelzebub much more. I could just sit back and let his army decimate the Fourth Circle, and then the problem would be taken care of without me even having to lift a finger.”
I clenched my fist and gritted my teeth. This asshole wasn’t going to fuck us over.
“Or maybe I could just kill you,” I growled. “Take away your army and your whole kingdom before Beelzebub is even close enough to be a threat.”
The air in the dining hall was tense, and I could see both Ronaldo and Mirage were preparing for things to go south.
Thankfully, my friends had other plans.
“Look, Asmodeus,” Ira spoke up. “Politically speaking, that deal is very lopsided. Jacob gets your support, and he basically hands over his best assets, some very powerful people, I might add, making himself completely vulnerable and betraying their trust?”
“What do you suggest then, succubus?” Asmodeus hissed. “I would be taking a huge risk too, ya know. By hitching my wagon to Jacob Ralston, the mortal who killed one of Lucifer’s most respected generals, I would essentially be committing an act of open rebellion against my fellow Demon Kings.”
“Jacob is your fellow Demon King,” Sia interjected. “And soon, if Beelzebub is defeated, he will be the king of multiple circles. Do you want to be on his side, or do you want to be another footnote of his conquests?”
“It’s true,” Cupi spoke up. “I’ve been with Jacob for nearly three years now. Do you know all the crazy shit he’s done in those three years? He defeated Azazel not once, not twice, but three times. He wiped out the Seventy-Two Servants. He killed Vermis the Devil Worm and Leviathan. Everywhere he goes, he inspires the people to follow him. He will rule over this domain someday, and you can either be with us, or against us. And I really, really don’t suggest the latter.”
“Jakey’ll fuck you up,” Todd added. “Straight up Cobra Kai your ass, bro.”
Asmodeus sat back in his chair and rapped at his chin as he pondered the succubi’s words. He finally let out a sigh, leaned forward, and put his elbows on the table.
“If you’re not willing to give up your contacts,” the Demon King started, “then I at least want access to Charon. I already know he’s on your side, and he would be a great asset for my … extracurricular endeavors.”
“Your cult,” I counter-offered. “What about your cult on Earth? I want to be sure I have full access to them, should we ever make it back there.”
“My cult?” Asmodeus mused. “Done. You can have them. Full control.”
“Then I think we have a deal, Asmodeus,” I stated as I stood up and extended my hand. “I have the full support of you and your army against Beelzebub, as well as full control of your cult back on Earth.”
“And in return, I have access to the Great Ferryman of Hell, and I have a future conqueror in my corner.” The demon nodded as he stood up and shook my hand excitedly.
“Let’s not get too ahead of ourselves,” I chuckled. “We still have a long ways to go before that shit could happen. There’s still a lot of enemies out there I have to get through first.”
“Speaking of enemies,” Cupi interjected, “we should talk about our potential foes. Obviously, we know Beelzebub is against us, and Baphomet and Abbadon are more than likely going to be a nuisance.”
“I’d also imagine Belphegor, the King of the Third Circle, isn’t going to be too happy you killed his pet worm,” Ira sighed. “That means he’s probably off the table for now. Who does that leave?”
“Mammon, King of the Second Circle,” Sia pondered aloud, “and Gressil, King of the Sixth Circle.”
“What about the Ninth?” I asked. “Who’s in charge of that one?”
The entire room fell eerily silent as I felt everyone staring at me.
“Uh, Jakey … ” Todd finally spoke. “I thought you read The Inferno?”
“Not all the way through,” I admitted with a shrug. “Why? Who’s in charge of the Ninth Circle?”
“Lucifer,” Sia stated grimly. “Lucifer himself is in charge of the final Circle of Hell.”
“Well fuck,” I gasped. “I guess we probably should steer clear of that one for now, huh?”
“I will speak to those two Demon Kings,” Asmodeus said as he tried to bring us back on topic. “Gressil is easily persuaded, and I’ve found Mammon will do just about anything if the price is right. And I mean anything.”
“Not gonna do it,” Todd sighed and threw up his hands in defeat. “Not gonna touch that with a ten-foot pole.”
“Excellent.” I smiled at the King of the First Circle as I sat down and continued with my meal. “Once we’re done here, my f
riends and I will head back to our Circle and start to prepare for the Lord of the Flies.”
The tension had completely dissipated from the air, and my friends and I dined happily with our newfound allies. We finished up our meal, said our goodbyes to Asmodeus, Ronaldo, and Mirage, and then headed off back toward our home.
Things were just starting to ramp up in this war, and we needed to go and perfect our skills.
Chapter 9
“Alright, Shades!” Cupiditas called out from the raised platform in the colosseum. “Today we’re going to practice parrying and sneak attacks. You’ve all figured out how to use brute strength to win a sword fight, but now I’m going to teach you how to gain the upper hand on someone when you’re evenly matched.”
The Sister of Greed was on a large, stage-like structure at the far end of the building, and my small army of Shades and my friends filled out the sandy combat area in front of her.
These colosseums used to be the place where Azazel would hold his deadly “jousts,” or medieval-style combat tournaments where Shades and the occasional demon would rip each other apart for his sheer entertainment. Since I took over the Fourth Circle, these massive Romanesque structures had been repurposed into a sort of multi-use stadium. Each one acted as the primary training facility for my army, but when we weren’t in military mode, it was used as a concert venue, talent show, and, most importantly, the Royal Rumble.
Unfortunately, much like the issue of eternal punishment, the “deed” to the Fourth Circle stipulated there must always be jousts. However, Superbia had helpfully pointed out the wording was nebulous enough to be interpreted as “any sort of physical confrontation between Shades.”
That’s where the Toddster jumped in and suggested we create monthly pro-wrestling matches in the style of the Royal Rumble. He usually acted as the “heel” character while Tris used her laid-back yet intense voice to be the announcer. The Shades who resided here loved it, Todd loved it, and I was kinda starting to come around to it.