Chasing After Infinity

by L. Jayne

  Kara hiccups. “Guys like him…are no good.”

  “They humour you for a while and then get rid of you for a hotter version of yourself.”

  “But you know what I think?” She stops her drink mid-sip. “You two should just release all of your inner hormones and hook up.”

  I shoot her a dirty look. “No way in hell.” I shake my head distastefully. “I don’t want to give him the pleasure in being yet another one of his conquests.”

  Kara has this evil yet sort of distant look on her face. “Well, if you want it that way, you know that they say. The best medicine is to use their own power and have it backfire on them. He’s the king of heartbreak, right?”

  I realize what she’s saying, hesitating.

  A vehement smile comes over her lips. “We’d ruin him. Just like he’d ruined all of the past girls he’d been with.”

  “No feelings and no commitment,” I say slowly, smiling.

  Kara laughs and she lifts her can. “I’ll drink to that!”

  I swing back the can, clink it with hers and down it, wiping my mouth with one hand.

  After a few more drinks, she tells me that she has to go to the bathroom and I hang around, awkwardly, waiting for her to come back. I swig more beer, looking around the room. I see a few faces that I’ve seen around before, old friends that I used to hang out with and other acquaintances. I see a bunch of skaters smoking in the corner, Tom Landers and Mark Perry among them, jostling. A group of girls are passing around a bong and on the other side, another is playing strip poker. On the other side, a giggling group of seniors had laid claim to a booth, surrounded by another collection of boys.

  I’m walking around to the keg to refill my can when Anna Jacques steps in front of me, deliberately blocking my path. I stare at my former middle school friend with all of her perfectly coiffed blond ringlets and irritated thunderstorm gray eyes. We have barely said a word to each day ever since the day I broke away from her, resulting in two years of high school feuding. She has her right hand placed firmly on her hip, cocking her head to the side as she glares at me.

  “Melissa told me,” she spits out, her cheeks flushing. “She heard it from another one of the guys on the soccer field that you tried to hook up with my boyfriend last Monday.”

  I stare at her, uncomprehending. She’s not making any sense. I haven’t even talked to Sam Rodgers before. “What the hell are you talking about?” I shove past her but she digs her nails deep into my shoulder, wrenching me back.

  “They told me that you forced yourself on him, that you tried to stick your tongue down his throat and tried to take off his pants but he pushed you away. You’d do anything because you’re that desperate, huh?”

  “You can’t be serious.” I almost want to laugh. This makes her madder.

  “Shut up,” she snarls, pointing a finger at me. “I can’t believe I ever thought you were my friend.” Her lips press together. “You’ve probably tried to get into other guys’ pants as well before. Maybe Brent was right about you being such a tramp.”

  Anger courses through my veins and I try to rein in my temper. I want to slap her. “If you want to believe what he says, go ahead.” I push past her but she shoves me roughly against the wall. “And just to let you know, I don’t give a damn.”

  “Yeah, right. Stay the hell away from him,” she spits at me. “Whore!”

  “Did it hurt?”

  His lazy voice is near.

  We both turn to see Adrian standing behind us, looking at Anna expectantly, a cigarette chomped between his teeth. Beside him is the same blond bimbo that’s been making out with him on the couch. Surprised, Anna lets go of my shirt. “What?”

  One side of his lips quirks up. “When you fell out of heaven?”

  Anna looks taken aback. “Uh--”

  Adrian’s easy smile transfixes her, his green eyes cheery. “Because they sure have messed up your face.”

  Her mouth almost drops open and I have to bite my tongue to keep myself from laughing aloud. She looks sour as she shoots me a vile look and goes by me, purposely knocking her shoulder into mine as she passes.

  We watch her storm away. “Poor Anna,” I say. “You’ve probably scarred her self-esteem.”

  Adrian shrugs. “She’ll get over it.”

  I turn to walk past him but he whips around, catching my elbow fast. “Hey, where are you going?”

  “Nowhere,” I reply crisply, tugging my arm away.

  Shifting emotions roll in me as I pass him by, trying to debate whether Adrian had a major personality change this night. He's an impetuous asshat, but could there be some semblance of a heart beneath that melting smile and gigantic ego? Defending people was not one of his best traits.

  I push him out my of my mind and join the throng of dancers, succumbing to the deafening music and the bass thrumming under my heart. Soon, I lose myself in the whirlpool.

  Ψ Ψ Ψ

  I’m drunk with music streaming through my blood and rhythm pounding in my mind. I’m joined by another guy, a punk with a piercing in his eyebrow and blond hair spiked up. He tells me that his name is Jason and we dance together among the throng, him behind me as we move sinuously. He presses himself against me and I let him, enjoying the feel of the inebriated. It’s so easy to slip back into old ways. He’s kissing my neck and all of it, the blurriness and the room spinning around me is just delicious.

  Then someone crashes into me hard and I nearly topple over. His vodka cocktail sloshes onto my shirt, soaking it. Jason takes a step back. “Watch it!” I cry, looking up to see Hayden leaning over me. “Oh, it’s you. Where have you been all this time? I’ve called you so many--”

  “Ave,” he says, a bit of a slur in his voice. His eyes are glassy blue and his shirt is untucked and a few buttons are undone.

  “Oh God, are you already drunk off your ass?” My eyebrows come together.

  He laughs. “Of courshh,” he replies, licking a citrus slice hanging off his tumbler.

  “Hayden!”

  A girly shriek comes out from the back and a petite brunette squirms her way through the crowd. I barely recognize her as Trish Laverne beneath all that heavy make-up. She’s wearing a short leather miniskirt and a corset, immediately finding and wrapping herself around him. He staggers back, half-smiling drunkenly, squinting at her. “Trish?” he says but it sounds like Tryshh.

  “Have you missed me?” She says, kissing him on the cheek. “Hey, let’s dance!”

  He gets dragged into the vortex of bodies and I watch him disappear.

  “Who was that?” Jason’s husky voice sounds beside my ear. His hands are held around my waist.

  “Friend,” I say, leaning my head against him. He lowers his lips over my ears.

  “Hey, it’s getting crowded in here. You wanna go upstairs?” His breath tickles my ear.

  Intoxicated, I let him drag me through the horde of people and the piercing music makes my head revolve. We pass a haze of faces but I can’t see them straight. Jason moves with me up the winding stairs, to a hall where it’s secluded. Heartbeat picking up speed, I squint as he pushes open a bedroom door. My mind struggles to think through the haze.

  “Wha-what’ happening?” I slur.

  He pushes me to down the bed and dimly, I feel his body press over mine. I stifle a cry as he compresses his lips over mine, pushing me down with the weight of his body. His tongue probes my mouth, tasting of chemicals. It’s always been like this. With all the alcohol in my blood, I just let them do what they want. All I can feel is the ecstasy and the heat of beer drowning my senses.

  Love is unneeded. I don’t want it.

  Or so I tell myself.

  As he begins to kiss me harder and his hand slips under my unbuttoned shirt, I start to feel cold. Like my body is made of stone. And suddenly, it’s like something has been triggered inside of me, sending up waves upon waves of memories.

  It’s no longer Jason there kissing me but someone else. Someone with brown hair an
d glinting dark eyes and I’m no longer in the bedroom but in a hotel room where the smell of rose perfume is overwhelming. I stiffen, fighting back bile. Brent. Two years ago. He’d wrestled me to the bed and…

  I close my eyes. Jason tugs my shirt off and starts kissing my bare shoulder blades. He kisses a trail from my ear to the nape of my neck, his other hand pushing aside my shirt. His tongue forces into my mouth, hot and suffocating. Suddenly, I can’t do this anymore.

  I writhe around hysterically but can’t seem to budge free. Jason pins me to the bed beneath him, trying to tug my jeans down, him reeking of alcohol. I scream but his mouth covers mine, muffling the sound.

  Then I hear approaching footsteps and the clink of the door opening. My eyes widen when I see Adrian standing there with a nonchalant expression.

  I stop struggling and just stare at him. Jason stills and looks up at the shadow looming over him.

  “This bedroom is off-limits,” Adrian says, raising a brow.

  “But Shhelsea s—” Jason protests.

  “Leave,” he replies in a disinterested voice. He flicks his eyes to the door.

  Grumbling and reluctantly, he gets off me, trying to zip his jacket and with one look at Adrian’s expression, leaves the room.

  I sit up dumbly on the bed, shivering and shaken. I try to cover myself up with my shirt but he has probably already seen my bra. I haven’t even realized I am crying when I touch my face and take my hand away to see tears there.

  “Avena—”

  Without another word, I shove past him out the doorway and he makes no move to stop me.

  I find Hayden first quickly, unlatching himself from another brunette when he sees me like this. “Please get me home,” I say.

  “What happen’d?” He demands, swaying slightly. He glances over my shoulder to see Adrian standing there. I follow his eyes and his blue eyes instantly darken. “That sonofabitch.” He lurches for him drunkenly but I hold him.

  I shake my head. “No. Just get me home,” I repeat tiredly. “Please.”

  He takes one look at me and gets Kara. Kara is the only one who’s sober enough to drive; the alcohol she’d consumed had already dissolved. The ride home is so silent that the tension is giving me a headache. They exchange concerned glances in the rear-view mirror and I’m glad that they’re not prying for information out of me.

  When I finally am home, I instantly crash.

  chapter nine

  AVENA

  Once upon a time, an older boy lured a clueless girl out of her comfort zone. He had her eyes on her for a long time. She was so engrossed in his charming ways and rugged good looks that she let everything crash around her but the bubble they created around them. He would pull her out of classes and kiss her in the darkness of janitor’s rooms. She thought that this was love.

  On their last date, he led her to a fancy restaurant and she was mesmerized by the shiny dinnerware and white tablecloths and the bottles of expensive French wine. She had gotten so drunk that she’d nearly fallen over on the way to the car. He checked them into a hotel, knowing that her parents were on vacation in Cuba and wouldn’t be back till the next day. Having no idea what she was going into, she giggled about their escape together. As soon as the door closed behind them, he started to undress her. She, dimly aware of what was going on, tried to resist him but he was just too heavy and the alcohol was dragging her down.

  She had never felt so hopeless in her life.

  The rumours were all over school the next day. Ugly names like “slut” and “whore” were shot down at her, hissed in her ear. She couldn’t do anything about it. Everyone believed his word against hers.

  I thought those months were the hardest months of my life. Even after Brent moved away to Philadelphia, he still haunted me.

  The whispers, snickers, and malicious glares swirling around me broke me down.

  I didn’t know who I was anymore. So I gave up. I started to go to wild raves, get smashed, and hook up with random guys. Then I began dating a senior on the varsity team and we’d watch old mystery shows in his basement while fooling around on the couch. Four months of this continued until he dumped me for another girl in the cheer squad. A whole other line of guys I also hooked up with emerged. Memories of them were limited. All I can remember are lips hot against mine, hands everywhere, unbuttoned shirts scattered on the floor.

  I grew into something I didn’t recognize, all primal urges and no commitment. I didn’t care about anything, only wanting to feel.

  The girl who everybody calls the whale? She’s starving herself. The girl who everyone hates because she doesn’t fit in anywhere? She cries at night everyone because of the loneliness. The boy who the other guys push around? He is beaten at home by his stepfather. That guy you just made fun of for crying? His mother is dying.

  You never know what its like until you walk a mile in their shoes.

  Ψ Ψ Ψ

  I wake, my eyes slowly opening and squinting under the bright white sunshine flowing through the window. My mouth tastes like bile and there’s an insistent pounding in my head like construction work hammering my brain. I grope restlessly for the glass of water resting on my nearby nightstand and accidentally knock it over. Muttering, I let my eyes close again. The mere thought of moving a muscle makes me grimace. I’ve never felt this hangover before.

  But then I have to sit up from the couch and all my bones are aching. It’s seven A.M. and a Monday. Moaning, I lift the ratty old blanket over my head and find comfort in the gray darkness. Scattered bits and fragments of last night come to me in jagged parts. I remember that guy Jason’s easy grin, the cold tone of Adrian’s voice and Hayden’s fierce protectiveness. The parts I don’t want to think of flood back, the taste of Jason’s hungry mouth and his hands all over my body. I curl into myself, trying to block it out.

  Then I realize that I’ve now completely lost myself in the game I’ve created.

  Letting out a breath, I roll over, muffling my face into a plush pillow. I want to just sleep and sleep everything away.

  Adrian.

  I don’t want to think about him.

  I groan and sit up on the bed, rubbing my sore eyes. I can’t skip any more school; I’d have to endure another day. I pull my arm into one sleeve and shimmy into jeans, wobbling out of bed. I pull the curtains apart and a shaft of sunlight pours through the window, temporarily blinding me for a second.

  Agape, I stand and watch the sun and blue sky for a moment, revelling in the feel of warmth encasing me. Then coldness sets my skin clammy again.

  I head downstairs and don’t have the stomach to eat breakfast with the acid churning in my stomach so I just go out the door. My heart thudding in my chest, I realize that my car has disappeared from its place on the driveway. My dad. He had warned me that I had crossed too many curfews and this was the last time he was going to let me drive to parties. He had kept his word.

  Seeing no other choice, I catch the bus to the school and race to class. Calculus. The class that I dread the most, the class that I’m failing. Mrs. Henridge shakes her head in disapproval as I’m, once again, late to her class and I retire to my seat in the secluded far back. The seats next to me are empty.

  Since last week, Adrian has moved on to Stacey Abrahams, a flashy brunette always dressed in a low-cut shirt. She keeps on whispering in his ear and writing things on his paper and I can barely help but roll my eyes as Adrian’s arm is relaxed down her shoulder, fiddling with her curls. I guess Abrahams doesn’t mind his STDs.

  As I glance at him, he turns his face and meets my gaze. His eyes are a dark green today, reminding me of the pine trees outside the school. I look away, blinking and feel his gaze shift away from me. I move away in my seat, stiff. I’m strangely on edge and it isn’t until class ends that the tension leaves my body.

  I’m met up by Kara as I move through the halls and she looks concerned. “Hey, you alright?” She walks alongside me, snapping her fingers in my face.

  “Just t
ired from last night,” I reply wearily.

  She cuts right to the chase. “I saw that look on your face as we were leaving. What had happened between you and Huntington?”

  I rake over my hair with a hand, sighing. “Nothing, okay? I had a bit too much beer. I was drunk, I can barely remember anything.”

  Kara frowns. “Well, something must have happened because you were crying.” A hard look comes into her eyes. “Did he hurt you or try anything on you?”

  I shake my head so fast that my jaw hurts. “No. Just stop.”

  She stops, making me stop as well. “Look, if anything did happen--”

  “Leave it, okay?” I suddenly shout, wheeling around so that I’m facing her. The words come bubbling forth like lava. “I’m fine, alright? I can handle stuff on my own. You have your ex-boyfriend to handle so lay off me.”

  I shrug myself from her hold. “Just…leave me alone.” The words are soft.

  Hurt fills Kara’s face and grudgingly, she turns and walks away, turning once to just say, “You know, I never thought that you were one to escape from your issues but now…” She shakes her head sharply once and turns from me.

  I watch her go, my insides twisting with guilt. I walk rigidly to my next class, feeling the icicles in my glass heart form icy frost.

  Ψ Ψ Ψ

  ADRIAN

  I’m not good with these types of girls, I had thought as Avena lay there in the middle of the bed, crying silently, trying to cover herself up. I always ended up ruining them. Something about her, vulnerable and pale against the dark bedsheets sends a jolt through my heart. I’ve always been used to her being tough and biting that the image shook me up. Something, deep inside me, wants to go to her but my own nature holds me back. I can only stand there, unable to say anything.

  Because that’s who I am. I’m usually the one who breaks girls’ hearts and makes them cry but seeing her there changes a place in me. I’m not used to this feeling.