by Penny Jordan
‘How can we forget it? Jake, I can’t work for you any longer. You must see that…’
‘You can’t leave without giving me three months’ written notice—it’s in your contract—remember?’
Stephanie gasped in pain. ‘But you wouldn’t hold me to that… you…’
‘You seem to be having trouble deciding just what our roles in connection with one another are, right now,’ he countered acidly. ‘You can’t have it all ways, Stephanie. Make up your mind whether you want us to be friends, lovers, or simply employer and employee, and when you have, you can let me know. But remember this, I won’t let you just walk out on me—right now I’m in the middle of some very delicate negotiations in Florida—we’re due to fly out there next month, and if you decide to leave, I’ll make you serve every day of those three months.’
‘But, how can we work together now?’ Stephanie asked him wildly. ‘We can’t simply pretend…’
‘You mean you can’t,’ Jake responded bitterly. ‘Haven’t you listened to a single thing I said? I’ve been doing it for the last two years. It isn’t so hard once you get the hang of it… and perhaps it’s time you learned that life isn’t always easy. You know, I was wrong about one thing,’ he added decisively, glancing at the silk satin that covered her body so enticingly, ‘I thought that wearing it might turn you into a woman. All it did was reinforce how wrong I was. You’re a coward, Stephanie. You’re afraid to admit that you want me and to take the consequences of that wanting. Oh, I know exactly why you told me it was only “physical desire”,’ he told her bitterly, ‘But if you ever change your mind, you’re going to have to tell me about it. I’m tired of making the decisions for you and taking the blame.’
‘I’m going to bed,’ Stephanie told him unsteadily. ‘Good night, Jake.’
She edged past him, not daring to look at him, frightened of the anger she seemed to have aroused in him, but surely she should be the one to feel angry? She was the one who was the injured party. Jake seemed to care nothing for the fact that their friendship was over… but then, by his own admission, on his side it had never really existed.
Biting hard on her lip to prevent herself from crying, Stephanie hurried out of the room. So much had happened tonight that she could barely take it all in. Only one thing was clear… even if he could force her to work her three months’ notice, Jake couldn’t stop her leaving ultimately, and as for going to him and telling him she wanted him… She shuddered as she pulled off her suit, almost tearing the camiknickers in her urgency to blot out the memory of Jake’s taunting words, flinging them on to the floor as she groped for her cotton nightdress. At least Jake’s room was far enough away from hers for him not to hear if she gave way now to the tears that had been threatening during their final moments together. She couldn’t even take comfort from the fact that he desired her. Not when she knew that desire was only because she was there and Susy was not.
CHAPTER SEVEN
TRYING to treat Jake as merely her boss was something Stephanie found increasingly difficult once they had returned to London. If he had desired her, she couldn’t understand how he had managed to keep it hidden from her. Where once she had looked at him and simply seen a man who was her closest friend, now she couldn’t even glance at him without being acutely aware that he was the man she loved. Just the sound of his voice was enough to make her weak with longing, and although she was determined not to let her efficiency suffer, she wondered if Jake was aware of how deeply her feelings had changed. The temptation to reach out and touch him, to beg him to make love to her was so strong at times that she feared it would overwhelm her, but what was the use? He didn’t love her!
Another thing she had noticed since her return to London was a certain cooling in Jessie’s manner. At first she had been confused and then later hurt by her new friend’s defection, although it wasn’t until Jessie asked, almost curtly, on the Friday after her return, ‘Did you enjoy your weekend?’ that she began to guess the reason for her changed attitude.
‘It was…’ On the point of fibbing that her weekend had been enjoyable, she changed her mind and admitted bleakly. ‘Jessica, I should have told you. I didn’t spend the weekend with friends—I was down at Mile End, Jake’s home. We were working, but after what you said about the gossip, I panicked and I’m afraid I lied to you.’
‘Yes, I know.’ The expression in Jessie’s eyes softened a little. ‘You were seen by one of the other girls getting out of Jake’s car on Monday evening. I’m afraid it’s all round the office. I was asked if I knew anything about it.’
‘What did you say?’
‘Nothing,’ Jessie assured her, ‘and I’m sorry if I’ve been a bit prickly this week, but…’
‘I can understand why you were annoyed,’ Stephanie told her quietly, ‘but the gossip should die down once I leave.’
‘Leave? You’re leaving?’
‘I’ve had to give Jake three months’ notice. But, yes, I will be leaving once I’ve worked it.’
‘But Stephanie, why? The pair of you make such a good team… Like Batman and Robin.’
Stephanie laughed as she had intended her to. ‘Unfortunately—unlike Batman and Robin—our relationship is subject to certain complications…’
‘Now that means one of two things,’ Jessie interrupted shrewdly, ‘either you’ve fallen madly in love with him, or he’s made a pass at you.’ She saw Stephanie’s expression and whistled soundlessly. ‘Ah, I think I’ve got it, right on both counts is that it?’
Grimacing faintly, Stephanie nodded. ‘I suppose it was bound to happen,’ Jessie consoled her. ‘I don’t know how you’ve managed to work with him for so long without succumbing, and, as for Jake… well, he wouldn’t be male if he wasn’t aware of you. I can understand why you want to leave. It must be pure hell, loving him and yet knowing he just fancies you.’
‘Umm… As yet, he hasn’t guessed how I feel, and I don’t want him to.’
‘No, I can understand that, but it’s odd,’ Jessie frowned. ‘I mean, a man like him, he’s just got to know the signs. I’ll bet girls have been running after him ever since he started wearing long trousers, and normally, when a man wants a little dalliance, he runs a mile the moment he senses the girl’s getting serious. You don’t suppose he feels more strongly about you than he’s letting on?’
‘When he’s conducting a full-blooded affair with Susy Waldron?’
‘No… I suppose you’re right. Look, how about spending Saturday evening at our place?’ Jessie suggested. ‘Keith will be there.’
‘Thanks, Jessie, but I really don’t feel it’s fair of me to inflict my company on anyone right at the moment. Perhaps another time?’
In point of fact, she was far too tired to be good company in any case. Ever since she had handed Jake her typewritten notice immediately following their return to London, he had treated her with a chill civility that made a mockery of all her trust in their friendship and that, coupled with the gruelling pace of work he was setting, combined to make her too exhausted to do anything other than simply flop down in a chair when she got home in the evening.
Annette commented on it. Back from her holiday with her fiancé, she surveyed Stephanie’s wan face with concern.
‘He always did make you work hard, but can’t he see you’re wasting away in front of him?’ she demanded, when Stephanie pushed away her meal, barely tasted. ‘What’s wrong with you? You won’t eat, you don’t sleep properly… Honestly, Stephanie, anyone would think you’re in love.’
Stephanie hadn’t told her that she had handed in her notice. She hadn’t made any plans for the future and had not even started to look for another job. She seemed to be in some sort of limbo, held there by the fear that any attempts to break free of it would result in a pain too terrible to endure.
One day followed another, with Jake steadily growing more remote and cold, and Stephanie felt as though she were dying by degrees. In some ways, she welcomed his withdrawal from her; it
made it easier to endure the pain of loving him, knowing her love wasn’t returned. At least, that was what she told herself until the afternoon she returned from lunch and found Susy in Jake’s arms.
She had walked into his office without a second thought, believing him to be still at lunch. He had told her he had a lunch engagement and, believing that Susy was still in New York, she had never dreamed who his engagement might be with. The sight of the pair of them locked together, unaware of her interruption, brought a sudden spasm of sickness too acute to be ignored. Backing out of the room, Stephanie raced into the cloakroom, gagging helplessly beneath the onslaught of nausea. ‘You’re sick with jealousy.’ Jake’s words came back to her and she shivered under the acknowledgement that he had been right. Night after night, she dared not go to sleep because her dreams tormented her with images of him with Susy and now those nightmares had turned into reality. Rinsing her mouth, she walked slowly back to her office, this time making a considerable amount of noise as she opened the door.
‘Ah, there you are,’ Jake came out of his office. His dark hair was ruffled, and Stephanie could see that the top buttons of his shirt were unfastened, his tie faintly askew. Nausea churned up inside her again.
He gave her a sharp look. ‘You look pale. Are you feeling all right?’
‘Just a headache,’ she lied, avoiding his eyes.
‘I’m just taking Susy to see one of the new apartments we’ve taken on. I don’t know what time we’ll be back.’
As he spoke, Susy walked out of his office. Her make-up had been carefully touched up, but nothing could disguise the soft swelling of her lips or the look in her eyes.
‘Darling, if I have anything to do with you, you won’t be coming back,’ she purred softly. ‘Why don’t you change your mind and come back to New York with me, next week? Take a break…’
‘I only wish I could, but we’re so busy at the moment…’
Stephanie tensed, waiting for him to tell the other woman that he would be in the States later in the month, but, to her surprise, he said nothing. Perhaps he wanted to save it for a surprise, she thought acidly as they walked out. Jealousy, corrosive and full-blown, ripped apart all her dearly held convictions that civilised, thinking adults just did not give in to such destructive emotions. For a moment, seeing Susy’s polished fingernails resting on Jake’s dark-suited arm, she had wanted to annihilate her.
She spent almost the entire weekend thinking about them, imagining them together. Susy would have no inhibitions about showing Jake just how much she wanted him. She would not care that he didn’t love her. Cold fingers of anguish touched Stephanie’s heart. What if Jake did love her? Could he love someone as shallow as Susy? Once she would have said ‘no’, but now she was beginning to wonder if she had ever really known Jake, if all that she had known of him was simply what he had deliberately allowed her to know. In many ways, she wished she could go back to that time when she hadn’t known what sexual desire and jealousy were, where she had been content and secure, but somehow her emotional responses had been reactivated as suddenly as they had been blighted and her body was a feverish, restless ache that gave her no rest from torment.
The following week, Jake told her to make their travel arrangements.
To her enquiry as to how long they would be away, he retorted with a curt, ‘Does it matter?’ Across the width of his desk, his eyes probed hers, and Stephanie tensed, terrified by what they might discover.
‘I do have friends and social engagements to consider,’ she managed in cool response.
‘Friends?’ Again, his steel-grey glance meshed with hers. ‘Do you mean the guy I saw kissing you outside your flat?’
‘Keith is one of my friends, yes,’ Stephanie agreed bravely.
‘Keith?’ Jake came round from behind his desk and strode towards her. He reminded her of an angry leopard, Stephanie thought in panic. She could almost feel the tension emanating from his body, and she was chilled by the ferocity of the look he gave her.
‘And does this “friend” know exactly what friendship with you means, Stephanie? Does he know that he’ll be allowed to go so far, and no further… or is he still living in hopes that he might actually get to go to bed with you?’
Her breath was caught in a pained gasp that fluttered and died in her throat.
‘Perhaps he’s already taken you to bed,’ Jake suggested, apparently oblivious to her anguish, his eyes glittering febrilely as he loomed over her. ‘Has he, Stephanie? Has he?’ He was actually grasping her arms and shaking her, rage and hostility openly apparent in his eyes. ‘Or are you planning to torment him the way you tormented me…’
‘I didn’t…’ Somehow she managed to stammer the denial, ‘I didn’t do anything…’
‘No, you damn well didn’t, did you?’ Jake agreed, almost snarling the words. ‘God, you’ve got me so I can’t even think straight. Have you any idea what you’re doing to me…?’
‘If you’re suffering from frustration, I suggest you blame Susy, not me,’ Stephanie hurled back at him, now nearly as angry as he was himself, stunned when he suddenly went pale and lurched against his desk, releasing her to grip it with fingers white to the bone.
‘Jake…’ she reached out automatically concerned for him, but he brushed away her hand, exhibiting an anger and rejection that couldn’t be ignored. ‘Jake… what is it? What’s wrong?’
‘Don’t ask,’ he responded bitterly in a voice she barely recognised. For a moment, he sounded like an old man, weary beyond belief, beaten down by life. ‘Don’t ask, Stephanie,’ he repeated harshly. ‘You’re really better off not knowing… and anyway, you damned well don’t want to know.’ Just for a moment, as he looked at her, his eyes seemed to hold the torment of someone experiencing an unendurable pain, and then he turned his head and the look was gone.
‘Do you know something, Stephanie,’ he said savagely, ‘I feel heart-sorry for the poor devil who eventually makes you accept that you’re a woman, because you’ll put him through hell first. Now get out…’
‘But the flight arrangements?’
‘I’ll make them myself. Right now, I want you out of this office, Stephanie. I don’t care where you go or what you do… just go…’
She had gone then, back to her flat to cry herself into exhaustion, totally bewildered by their quarrel, not knowing why he had been so angry, or why he had reacted so violently to her suggestion that his frustration should be laid at Susy’s door.
In the morning, he was as cold and remote as she had grown used to him being, dealing with their heavy work load with a speed that made her wonder savagely if he was human. By lunch time, he had given her enough work to keep her occupied until well after six.
He had appointments in the afternoon, and it was gone five when he eventually came back. All the urgent mail was done, but Stephanie was determined not to leave until she had finished, and it was this that kept her doggedly typing on when her fingers already ached to the bone with tiredness.
‘Not finished?’ His sarcastic comment made her seethe with anger, but she refused to give way to it.
‘How long are you going to be?’
She glanced at her notebook, flipping through the still untyped pages. ‘About an hour—maybe an hour and a half.’
She heard him go into his office and recognised the squeaking protest of his chair as he sat down. The intense silence that followed was unnerving and, although she tried to concentrate on her work, her mind kept wandering. Why didn’t he just sign his mail and go, her mind screamed protestingly. She couldn’t work while he was sitting in there. Her fingers stumbled over the keys.
‘Something wrong?’ He came to stand in the doorway between their offices, leaning indolently there, whilst he studied her flushed face. He had removed his jacket and rolled up his sleeves, the dark hairs on his arms bringing back vibrantly real memories of the crispness of his body hair beneath her fingers. The ability to breathe normally suddenly left her, her heart labouring under
the strain his proximity imposed upon it.
‘Please stop watching me, it makes me nervous.’ The admission was out before she could stop it. ‘Jake, why don’t you go home?’ she added nervously, ‘I can’t work with you prowling about like… like a restless panther…’
‘Panther? Is that how you see me?’ One eyebrow rose mockingly. ‘Would you like to know how I see you?’
‘No, I’d like you to leave me in peace so that I can get on with my work and go home,’ Stephanie said shortly.
‘Umm, clock-watching now, are we? Why? Got a heavy date tonight?’ The mockery in his voice stung as though he knew quite well that there were no other men in her life and why.
‘It isn’t any of your business if I have,’ she retorted angrily. ‘Have you signed your mail?’
‘No, but I will.’ He moved away from the wall and strolled back into his own room. Trying to compose herself Stephanie tried to concentrate on her work. By the time she had typed another full page she knew it was a losing battle. Even without reading what she had done she could see half-a-dozen mistakes. Her ears were stretched for the slightest indication of movement from the other room, and yet, when it came, Jake caught her off-guard. Her ribbon cartridge ran out right in the middle of a line and she got up to get another one. She was kneeling down with her back to the door, as she looked in the cupboard for a fresh one, when she suddenly knew that Jake was in the room with her. Whirling round, she was stunned to discover that he was standing by her typewriter studying what she had just done.
‘Staying any longer seems to be a complete waste of time if that’s the best you can do,’ he announced laconically, ripping the sheet of paper out of the machine. ‘Get your coat. I’ll take you home.’
Her chin tilting dangerously, Stephanie said. ‘There’s no need. I can take the bus…’
‘Oh yes… and we both know what happened the last time you did that, don’t we? What’s the matter, Stephanie? Has your new boyfriend given you so much courage that you aren’t afraid any more? If he has, he’s achieved a damned sight more than I was ever able to do, hasn’t he?’ he ended savagely. ‘No more arguments. I’m taking you home.’