He kissed the top of Tabitha’s head when he felt tears on his shirt, but she didn’t speak. And he was grateful because he wasn’t sure he could continue if she did.
“A year later, she came to me wanting to try again. At that point, I felt like I was ready again, and I stopped drinking altogether because I wanted to be a good dad, you know? My dad doesn’t really drink except for a beer or two here and there, but while we were trying, I wanted nothing in my system to mess up the baby. It sounds stupid now, but I really wanted to do my part.” A pause. “She got pregnant again right away, and we were both so excited. I pampered her and made sure she had everything she needed.” He swallowed hard. “She lost the baby a month later.”
Tabitha hugged him tightly.
“I started drinking a bit more, but not too much. No one noticed, and I still don’t know if that’s when my problem really started or if it was later…after…” He trailed off, regaining his strength. “This happened four more times until the last time when she passed out in the living room. I took her to the ER, and that’s when everything fell apart around me. You see, I hadn’t been home any of the times she’d lost the babies. I’d been working, and that too was another mark against me. I was working, and I’d been too late. But this time, I was there. I was there when the doctor mentioned that the last abortion must have been too much for her, and she needed to go in for an emergency surgery so they could stop the bleeding.”
Tears slid down his cheeks now, and Tabitha froze in his hold.
“The whole time we’d been trying to have children, she hadn’t been on the same page as me.” He let out a breath. “I would have never forced her to have a child. I totally believed it was her choice what she did with her body. And if she had come to me and said she wasn’t ready, I’d have understood. Hell, I’d have gotten a vasectomy and learned to see a future without children. But we’d gone ten years together, and she hadn’t said a word. She was the one who kept coming back to me, kept saying let’s try one more time. I had been so scared to hurt her, so scared to lose another part of us, but I hadn’t been able to say no to her.”
He rubbed his eyes, keeping Tabitha close. “I started drinking more then. Drinking so much I couldn’t stop. When Jess came out of surgery, she was angry with me. She put it all on me, and how she kept trying to have children because it was my idea, though it hadn’t been. I let her yell at me, let her blame me because I blamed myself, as well. And I kept drinking.”
“Oh, Alexander,” Tabitha whispered. “I’m so sorry.”
“Me, too.” He coughed, his throat closing up. “Me, too. I don’t know if Jess just liked the attention when she was pregnant, or if she truly kept changing her mind, but it killed me each time she miscarried, and as soon as I learned the truth, I couldn’t take it anymore. I kicked her out once she was healthy because I couldn’t stand being lied to. But then I was too drunk and too weak to keep my stance, and I let her back in. Then she left me for another guy.”
He rubbed his cheek on the top of her head again. The woman in his arms grounded him, and though he was breaking once more over the words he was saying, he didn’t want to drink. He wanted to be strong.
For Tabitha. For himself.
For what he’d lost and would never have again.
“I’m pro-choice,” he whispered. “I totally believe that it’s a woman’s right to choose. My mother and sisters have shown me how to be a better man and to understand things like that. But this…this felt different. We were trying for kids, and she kept taking them away. I never knew what to think about that. I still don’t.”
Tabitha moved in his arms again so she was straddling him. When she cupped his face, her gaze met his. “That’s on her. Not you. You both went into each time saying that you were trying for children. She lied to you. I don’t know what was going on in her mind when she did that, and I hate her for it. I hate that she did this to you. I hate that you started drinking because of it. But you’re a stronger man now than you were before. And I trust that no matter what comes next, you’re going to fight your hardest against the cravings. I trust, you Alexander.” A soft kiss. “I trust you.”
He held her close as they rocked together, his world off axis once again.
Yet with Tabitha in his arms, he felt as if he could find his feet, find his balance. And that should have scared him, but it didn’t. Not right then, and maybe not again.
Chapter Ten
Sometimes, when everything else seemed like it was falling apart around you, going out on a simple date that was anything but simple sounded like the perfect answer.
“Dinner and a movie?” Tabby asked after taking a sip of her coffee. It may be the evening, but she hadn’t slept much the night before, and she really needed the caffeine boost.
They were in her kitchen, trying to think about their plans for the night. They’d bought comedy tickets for a downtown show, but neither one of them had felt up to going after everything that had happened the night before.
Alexander played with his water glass as he looked at his phone. “We went to a movie last week, and it was the only one we wanted to see. I don’t think anything else came out that was on our radar. Right?” He kept searching, and she set her coffee down so she could slide underneath his arm. She ended up with her back to his chest and his arms wrapped around her as they looked at movie times at his phone.
“This one looks like a buddy cop movie, but it’s the third in a franchise, I think,” she said when she pointed at one of the bright movie posters on his phone.
He rested his chin on the top of her head, and she held back a sigh. Things were rocky emotionally, but times like these just reminded her that they were an actual couple that was trying to find their way. She still didn’t know how it had happened, but somehow, she’d ended up in a serious relationship with Alexander Montgomery, and here she was, in his arms, in her kitchen, as they went over movie times.
“Yeah,” he agreed. “And even though I think I saw the first one, I don’t remember it enough to have bothered with the second, or to try out the third.” He lowered his head to kiss her shoulder, and she held back a shiver. “Plus, you need to see things in order, or you freak out.”
She frowned before stomping on his instep. When he grunted, she smiled, though he couldn’t see. His self-defense training was helping, apparently. “You like to see movies and read books in order, too.”
“But I don’t have a spreadsheet of books I own,” he countered. “Nor do I have planner stickers to tell me when my next favorite book is coming out.”
She turned in his arms so his phone rested in his hands behind her head. She wrapped her arms around his waist and glared. “It’s just good thinking to know what books I’ve bought and what genre they are. Color-coding saves lives, Alexander.”
He bit his lip, and she knew he was trying not to laugh at her. When she rolled her eyes and kissed his chest, he sighed. “It’s late anyway. Maybe just dinner? I know that’s not the most original date, but I’d rather just spend time with you.”
And nothing else he could have said would have mattered more.
He wanted to spend time with her.
He wanted her.
Never once in her infatuation with him before he’d almost kissed her in his gym did she really think something like this would happen. It was weird how things could change so quickly, and yet not be that quick at all. She loved him, she knew that much. She also knew that it was too early to tell him. He was still shaken over everything he’d told her about Jessica and what he’d gone through. And she knew that he was doing everything he could to remain sober and strong. There was no way she was going to mess with that.
So she would take her time and just love him like she was.
It was all she could do. And with his arms wrapped around her like this, it didn’t seem like a bad idea at all.
“I think dinner sounds perfect.” She kissed his chest again. “Of course, now we need to decide on a place to go.” Whe
n he chuckled, she ducked under his arm to look at the time on her stove. “And it’s after six, so we need to go now, or we’ll end up eating at like eight, and I’m too old for that.”
He smacked her bottom at her words, and she held back a moan. The damn man could make her hot with just one touch, and it wasn’t fair. Of course, since she could feel the hard ridge of his cock against her hip, she figured she wasn’t alone in being in the mood.
“Dinner first,” she said with all seriousness. “I’m hungry, and don’t tell me you have a special shake for me or something idiotic like that.”
His eyes widened, and he threw his head back in laughter. “Has someone actually said that before? That their dick would be good enough? I mean, I’ve made the hungry reference before I’ve eaten your pussy, but never the dick one.”
She rolled her eyes and leaned into him. “Like you haven’t thought of that before.”
He wrapped his arm around her as they walked toward the car as if they were a couple without a worry in the world. It would never be like that between them, she knew. No matter what, they would always have to deal with the fact that they had pasts that weren’t too pretty. But it was something they would contend with, she knew. Because there wasn’t another option in her mind, not if she wanted to stay with him.
And she did. She wanted him; wanted to be with him, and wanted him to love her just as she loved him. She’d just have to bide her time and show him what they could have together.
She pushed those thoughts from her mind, however, because they weren’t doing her any good at the moment. They ended up eating at their familiar diner instead of somewhere fancy or elegant. They’d been on dates before and had done the nice outfits and linen tablecloth deal. But tonight was all about comfort food and being relaxed. They both truly needed that after the bombshells they’d dropped on one another.
They snuck into a corner booth even though the diner was busier than usual. She ended up sitting right next to Alexander, and he threw an arm around the high back of the seat so she could lean into him.
“I’m oddly craving gravy,” Tabby said with a grin. Alexander raised a brow as he looked down at her and shook his head. “What? I want gravy.”
“Just gravy? Are you going to order a boat of it and call it a night?”
She snorted and studied the menu. “No, dork. I need a vessel for said gravy. Probably their fried chicken and mashed potatoes. And maybe bread to dip in the gravy, as well. Nothing good for me, and I don’t care. Comfort food should be…comfortable.”
When he kissed the top of her head, she relaxed into his side. They could do this, she thought, just be normal. Or some semblance of it, at least.
“What are you getting?” she asked.
Alexander flipped the menu to the salad section and frowned. “Probably a grilled chicken salad or something. I’ve had it before here, but they don’t exactly offer it. I have to ask them to not batter the chicken before they put it on.”
She nodded, though that ever-present worry came back. She wouldn’t say he had an eating problem because she knew he ate healthy and full courses, but he never indulged in anything. It was as if he were truly afraid of another addiction. They were in public, so this wasn’t the time to bring it up, but maybe when they got home, she would mention it. She just hoped he didn’t hate her for it.
Once again, she pushed those thoughts from her mind and leaned into him as they enjoyed their date. They ate, talked about nothing important, and just…were. And that was the important thing.
By the time they made it back to her place, she was pleasantly stuffed but had room for dessert. She hadn’t ordered it at the diner because she had cake in the fridge here, and had particular plans with said cake and the man at her side.
“Can you come with me to the kitchen?” she asked, trying to keep her tone neutral. He frowned and followed her.
“What’s up?”
Tabby let out a breath, hoping she was doing the right thing. She pulled out the chocolate cake she had in the fridge—the one she’d bought on a whim because she’d had a bad day but hadn’t actually eaten yet—as well as two forks from the drawer.
“I want you to have some cake with me.”
He frowned, though his eyes were on the fudge decadence and not her. “I already ate dinner.”
She let out a breath and set the cake down on the table. “So I’m going to say something, and it’s probably out of line, and you can call me on it, but I’ve been thinking about it a lot anyway.”
His shoulders went rigid, but he nodded. “Okay.”
She pressed her lips together and stared directly into his eyes. “I worry about you.”
He didn’t say anything, so she continued.
“I don’t think you have an eating problem, just like I don’t think you boxing like you do is an issue most times, but I worry they could become problems. And I know no one talks about guys and eating issues, but they do happen, and…I’m going in circles.”
He shook his head and folded his arms over his chest. “I eat healthy, Tabitha. That doesn’t mean I don’t eat. Or that I purge it. I eat the right amount for my body type and my activity level. As for the fighting…” He let out a breath. “Other than the fight that you saw, I don’t usually go in guns blazing against a guy I can’t beat. It’s sanctioned, and a way to burn energy and have fun. It’s usually safe. I was an idiot that one time, but I’m not usually.”
She moved toward him and put her hands on his chest. When he didn’t pull away, she counted that as progress. “I know all of that, and I totally believe you. I know I’m way out of line. But I…worry about you.” She’d almost said she loved him and was thankful she’d said something else just then. This totally wasn’t the time for that. “I guess it just feels like you’re so rigid in some respects because you’re scared to go over the line again like you did with alcohol.”
His eyes flared. “Go on.”
She pressed her lips together, knowing she was screwing this all up. “I…I’m doing this all wrong. You’re not doing anything wrong, but I wanted you to see that you are strong, Alexander. You’re so freaking strong. I know you don’t feel like that, but I see you every day, and I see what you can do. I don’t want you to not have cake because you’re afraid if you have one bite, you’ll never stop. I don’t want you to fight people you know you can’t win because you think you need to punish yourself. I just want you to know that I’m here. Your family is here. And you’re here. You know the line. You’re not going to cross it. You’re not going to overindulge. You won’t let yourself. But I don’t want you to hurt yourself thinking that you might.”
He was silent for so long, she was afraid she’d ruined it all. Maybe she had. Maybe she was off base and horribly wrong. Maybe he’d walk out the door right now and never come back.
And if she were wrong about what she’d just said, maybe she would deserve that.
When he moved forward and cupped her face, tears sprang up, and she hated herself for it. “How is it you can see into me when no one else can?”
Because I love you.
Of course, she didn’t say that.
“Because I care about you,” she whispered, knowing that was all she dare reveal.
“I’m careful about what I eat. Careful about what jobs I take. And usually careful about what I do to my body in the ring. I have to be careful, Tabitha. I wasn’t careful with myself before, and I fucked it all up.”
“You didn’t fuck it up on your own.”
Warmth mixed with something else she didn’t recognize but that looked a lot like disgust filled his gaze. “She didn’t make me drink. That’s on me. She might have created the circumstances that led me there, but I was the one who picked up the bottle. And the next bottle. And the one after that until I couldn’t count them anymore. I can’t blame her fully and live with myself. That’s how I got out of the bottle, that’s how I made it through rehab and this past year.”
She slid her hands aroun
d his waist, letting him get what he needed to off his chest.
“I know I can have cake or eat a big meal with my family and that I probably should, but I feel like I truly need to be careful. I don’t want to find another addiction.” His thumb slid along her cheek. “That’s why I almost didn’t kiss you,” he whispered.
Her eyes widened. “What?”
“I knew I could become addicted to you. Not in the same way, and sure as hell not as dangerously as before, but I knew I needed to be careful. I don’t throw the word addiction around lightly, and that’s what scares me.”
She didn’t know what to say about that or even what to think. “I don’t want you to be scared.”
“I don’t want to be scared either.” He took a deep breath, keeping his hands on her face. “I’m careful, Tabitha. Sometimes too careful, I know. I saw the way my family looked at me, or more accurately, did their best to not look at me during the family dinner when you dropped your water.” He grinned. “Thanks for that, by the way.”
“I hated that everyone got silent around you so I acted my normal dorky self.”
His hands left her face but went to her hips instead. “I can’t promise I’ll eat as much as I used to, and I don’t think that was healthy anyway, but I’ll try not to focus so much on it. I don’t know, I guess it just seemed easier to focus on that and the fighting instead of worrying about whether I was going to pick up another drink instead.”
Her heart hurt for him, and she still kicked herself for even bringing any of it up. “I don’t want you to eat a ton or go crazy. But I also don’t want you to stress over it. However, if you feel you need to because it’s helping you stay sober…then I guess I’ll shut up.” She winced. “I don’t really know what I’m doing here beyond reading up on it.” She paused. “I couldn’t help Michael, as you know. But I don’t want to fail you, too.”
He cursed and brought her close. “Baby, you’re not failing me. You’re showing me you care. That’s a whole hell of a lot better than standing back and watching me fall. And you didn’t fail Michael. Sometimes, you have to take care of yourself, too. That’s what you did with him, right? When he couldn’t help himself anymore?”
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