by Limmy
I felt a bit bad. The way he was looking at me. Jesus. That look on his face. Whatever he was feeling, I widnae wish it on my worst enemy. But then this blob of foam floated down all slowly and landed on his head. And I burst out laughing.
Scott headed for the door. But you cannae blame me for laughing at that, man.
The lassie asked me what I was laughing at, and why my mate was away in a cream puff.
Now, look. See normally? I’d bullshit a lassie that early on. You get folk that urnae up for a laugh, not right away. They get the wrong idea about you, you’ve got to wait for ages until they see you’re an all-right guy, then you can be yourself. It’s not really bullshitting, actually, you’re just trying to make a good first impression. You fake it. Everybody fakes it. And if you’re up against all these other cunts faking it, the lot of them pretending that they don’t think this or that’s funny when they actually do, and you just come out and be yourself from day one, well, you’re gonnae fucking lose. The bird is gonnae think that if that’s you trying to make a good impression on day one, what are you gonnae be like when you’re being yourself?
But this lassie, though, I got the impression that I could be myself, just like her. Just like her with her belly. So I told her. I told her the lot. The couch. The phone. That bit of foam. And I laughed again.
I thought she’d laugh, but she just went like that: ‘You what?’ It wisnae cos she didnae hear me, she heard me all right. Her mate came over while I was telling her and asked her if everything was fine, cos of the look on her face. No, she wisnae impressed at all.
What a fucking let-down.
I was gonnae explain to her that it was just patter, it was just banter, it was just something we do, for a laugh. We wind each other up, we take the piss. That’s lads. But I could tell she didnae get it. Some people just don’t get it. She reminded me of my maw. That’s what she was like. I remember Andy cut my hair once, for a laugh. I wisnae steaming or anything, I was only six. My maw and da had everybody over for Christmas, friends and family, and all us weans, me, Scott, Peter, and a few more. Andy was steaming and he cut this big slice out my fringe with a pair of scissors. I felt fucking stupid, but everybody started laughing, so I started laughing as well. Until I saw my maw. She wisnae laughing. My da was laughing, but she wisnae, and it just brought me right down. Tons of folk are like that.
Laugh, for fuck’s sake. Laugh.
I walked out the pub, that Typically Tropical. I just walked away from her. It’s shite and everything, but there you go. I walked out and saw Andy running down to the beach to get Scott. The daft cunt was walking into the sea, but we got him out and headed back to the hotel, then we got the flight back the next day, on the Sunday.
The funeral’s on Thursday, Scott’s maw’s. Everybody’s meant to be there, all the lads. I’ve not seen them for ages. Wait till I tell them about that foam. And Scott walking into the water. And the lift.
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