by Dave Barry
In financial news, America Online announces the largest merger in history, in which it will acquire Time Warner in exchange for AOL stock valued at $160 billion, or, a little later in the week, $34.
On a sad note, legendary Mad cartoonist Don Martin dies, causing a sad hush to fall over the cartooning world, broken only by a gentle sound, coming from somewhere up above: SPLOINGGG.
In sports, the St. Louis Rams defeat the Tennessee Titans 23 to 16 in the Super Bowl. The Titans graciously concede, although Palm Beach election officials announce that, according to their scoring, Tennessee actually won by 257 points.
And speaking of seesaw battles, in…
FEBRUARY
…the presidential primary campaigns heat up as Al Gore, Bill Bradley, George W. Bush, and John McCain sweep through New Hampshire, then hustle down to South Carolina, then blast out to Wisconsin, then race up to Michigan, then, as a result of a faulty compass, charge deep into Canada, where, before discovering their error, they spend a combined $43 million on TV attack ads and hold several debates, in which Bush repeatedly refers to Canadians as “the Canadish people,” and Gore claims that he was born and raised in Montreal.
Meanwhile, Steve Forbes, who has spent untold millions of his own money in a hopelessly unrealistic quest for the presidency, finally comes to his senses and drops out of the race, declaring that he will now devote his energies full-time to becoming a power forward for the Los Angeles Lakers.
President Clinton, after working late many nights in the White House Situation Room, finally finishes building his legacy. He goes to sleep a happy man, only to discover, on awakening, that Buddy, the First Dog, has gotten hold of the legacy and chewed it beyond recognition.
On the financial front, in a chilling example of the growing menace of cyber crime, unidentified hackers attack several major “e-business” websites, temporarily shutting them down, and thus preventing them from losing money anywhere near as fast as usual. Meanwhile, the Dow Jones Industrial Average continues to slide, dipping below the 10,000 mark for the first time since April of 1999. This causes great concern everywhere except Palm Beach County, where election officials have the Dow pegged at 263,000 and “climbing like a rocket.”
In other Florida stories:
State agriculture officials score an important victory in the War on Citrus Canker when they manage to kill two of the eight suspected lime trees with a four-hour barrage of artillery fire. Unfortunately, they also—“You can’t make an omelet without breaking eggs,” notes one state official—obliterate 237 homes. During the battle, the six other infected lime trees, aided by Greenpeace volunteers, are able to escape, setting off a statewide manhunt.
After decades of complaints about the inhumanity of its execution procedures, Florida switches from using the electric chair to lethal injection. Unfortunately, the first effort does not go well, as prison officials report that they cannot figure out “how to get the electricity into the syringe.”
The official entourage surrounding six-year-old Elián González reaches the three-hundred-person mark, eclipsing the long-standing record held by the Mike Tyson entourage. In their continuing effort to show what a happy, normal life Elián is leading, his media advisers begin scheduling two playing-happily-in-the-yard photo opportunities per day for the throng of international news media personnel, some of whom have been pressed against the fence for so long that they will have chain-link indentations in their foreheads for the rest of their lives.
Charles Schulz departs gently and quietly, and a sorrowful world realizes that Charlie Brown will never, ever, kick the football. In sports, Tiger Woods wins the Pebble Beach Pro-Am, the Daewoo Classic, the Liquid Plumber Open, the Extra-Absorbent Depends Tournament of Champions, and the Nebraska State Spelling Bee. And speaking of winning, in…
MARCH
…George W. Bush and Al Gore clinch their parties’ nominations, thanks to a heartfelt outpouring of money from civic-minded special interest groups responding to the candidates’ calls for campaign finance reform. John McCain and Bill Bradley both drop out, with each man declaring his sincere support for the opponent he has spent the past several months likening to pond scum. Remaining in the presidential race are Ralph Nader, representing the Flush Your Vote Down the Toilet Party, and Pat Buchanan, representing the asteroid belt.
President Clinton visits the Franklin D. Roosevelt Presidential Library, and, upon exiting, sets off an alarm. Guards discover a piece of FDR’s legacy in one of the president’s pockets. Nobody can figure out how the heck it got there.
In economic news, consumers voice increasing concern over rising gasoline prices, which have climbed to record levels in almost every part of the nation except Palm Beach County, where election officials report that unleaded premium is selling for 14 cents a gallon.
In science, medical researchers announce that they have cloned a $100 bill, and will no longer be dependent upon federal grants.
True item: In the War on Smoking, several states take legal steps to protect major tobacco companies from an anticipated huge damage award in a class action lawsuit. The states need the tobacco companies to stay in business, because, thanks to the tobacco settlement, the states now make more money from the sale of cigarettes than the tobacco companies do. If this makes no sense to you, it’s because you’re a human, as opposed to a lawyer.
In other product liability news, Smith & Wesson announces that henceforth its handguns will be manufactured so that, when the trigger is pulled, a little stick pops out of the barrel with a flag that says Bang! The Clinton administration announces that it will oppose this plan on the grounds that the stick “could poke out an eye.”
On Wall Street, the Dow plunges, then soars, then evens out for a little while, then—in a move that alarms many observers—briefly switches to degrees Fahrenheit.
In New York City, Mayor Rudolph Giuliani, angered by charges that the city’s police are overzealous, defends the department in a press conference that ends abruptly when a Daily News reporter raises his hand and is shot 467 times. A review board later rules that the shooting was justified on the grounds that “there was no way to tell that the finger was not loaded.”
Another true item: In a stunning journalism coup, ABC News reporter Diane Sawyer stands on her head AND gets squirted with Silly String by international superstar celebrity news object Elián González. Through these and other professional investigative reporting techniques, Sawyer is able to show, in a heavily promoted exclusive interview, that the six-year-old boy is, in fact, a six-year-old boy.
Elsewhere in Florida:
The War on Citrus Canker escalates as state agriculture authorities fire more than twenty-three thousand rounds in a shopping mall shoot-out against a gang of renegade orange trees, resulting in numerous civilian casualties. Unfortunately, all the trees manage to get away, but authorities confidently report that one of them “lost a lot of sap.”
Scandal-plagued Miami International Airport suffers yet another setback when inspectors discover that the new air traffic control tower, which has been under construction for two years, is actually a tree fort. “And not a particularly well-built tree fort, either,” the inspectors add.
Dan Marino retires, causing hundreds of sports-talk-radio callers to stop complaining that he stinks and start complaining that the Dolphins are going to really stink without him.
In a major upset at the Academy Awards, the Oscars for Best Film, Best Director, Best Screenplay, Best Actor and Actress, AND Best Supporting Actor and Actress all go to Tiger Woods.
And speaking of drama, in…
APRIL
…the tension in the Elián González case nears the breaking point as the boy’s father flies to the United States and—this is a great country—immediately acquires a nice suit and roughly fifty lawyers. Meanwhile, the U.S. Justice Department demands custody of Elián, only to be shrewdly outmaneuvered by the Miami relatives, whose own lawyer squadron files legal briefs arguing that (1) there is no
“Elián González” and (2) he is taking a nap. As tempers flare and street protests turn increasingly ugly, Miami-Dade County mayor Alex Penelas seeks to defuse the situation by sternly declaring that, in the event that people decide to riot, “we certainly won’t stand in the way.”
The drama reaches its zenith in the predawn hours of April 22 when a team of U.S. Border Patrol officers is able to gain entrance to the Miami relatives’ home through the clever ploy of knocking on the door and shouting, “Candygram for the Miami relatives!” The agents burst inside and snatch Elián from the arms of Donato Dalrymple, who has come to be known as “the Fisherman,” because it sounds better than “the Publicity-Grubbing Parasite.”
Within hours, the streets of Miami are filled with throngs of people shouting and blocking intersections. This is pretty much normal.
In another landmark legal action, the federal government’s marathon antitrust case against Microsoft comes to an end when a federal judge finds the software giant guilty of being successful. In what will prove to be a fateful ruling, the judge orders Microsoft to split into two smaller companies, one of which will continue to make the Windows operating system, and the other of which will immediately begin manufacturing Firestone tires. In response, the NASDAQ, for the first time in its history, closes at exactly equal to pi.
On the legacy front, President Clinton, with his official entourage of thirty-five hundred, flies to Tonga in hopes of brokering a historic peace agreement only to discover that, tragically, Tonga is an isolated island nation that has not been at war with anybody for centuries. Tongan officials express regret, and promise to give Mr. Clinton a holler if they spot any hostile-looking canoes or anything.
On a happier note, the 2000 Census goes smoothly, with preliminary results showing a shift in U.S. population from the Rust Belt to the Sun Belt, particularly Palm Beach County, which reports a gain of 157 trillion residents.
In sports, Vijay Singh wins the Masters Golf Tournament and is awarded the coveted green jacket, which is quickly snatched away by angry Buick executives and given to Tiger Woods.
And speaking of competition, in…
MAY
…the presidential race heats up as George W. Bush proposes an idea, which he came up with recently while reading an index card, that allows younger workers to take some of their Social Security money and, as the governor puts it, “investisize in the stocks market or professional baseball teams or whatever and thusly enjoy the labors of their fruits.” Vice President Al Gore immediately criticizes this plan as a “risky scheme” that could result in “millions of dead senior citizens,” which, in turn, “could impact global warming.” Polls show that this is a hot-button issue with the public, with 50 percent of likely voters wishing they had two other candidates to choose from and the other 50 percent agreeing.
In legacy action, President Clinton flies to Wales, where he holds high-level talks with a number of officials only to be informed that they are members of his own entourage.
In medicine, the American Academy of Pediatrics reports that it has finally tracked down seven-year-old Matthew Parmogaster, believed to be the only remaining boy in the United States not being treated for attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). A team of camouflage-wearing doctors is able to creep close enough to the youngster to bring him down with Ritalin-tipped blowgun darts.
In business news, United Airlines announces that it intends to purchase US Airways, a move that will enable United, in the words of its official statement, “to nearly double the number of daily flights that we cancel without warning.”
Computer networks around the world are temporarily paralyzed by an Internet virus called the “Love Bug,” which gets its name from the fact that it causes computers to mate with other types of office equipment. It is eventually brought under control, but not before spawning a host of Mr. Coffee machines capable of playing world-class chess.
In sports, Fusaichi Pegasus wins the Kentucky Derby, whipped to a strong finish by a nine-iron-wielding Tiger Woods.
In conservation news, the National Park Service, concerned about the buildup of unwanted brush in the Los Alamos, N.M., area, decides to solve the problem by setting a fire that burns down 260 homes. “We suspected that these homes might contain unwanted brush,” explains a Park Service spokesperson. This bold action does not go unnoticed by Florida citrus canker fighters.
Speaking of bold action, in…
JUNE
…Vice President Gore unveils his own plan to save Social Security via a complex system of tax credits, grants, loans, stern lectures, and mandatory home composting, which Gore would personally direct via a daily two-hour broadcast from the White House. Texas governor Bush, after being briefed on the Gore plan by aides using hand puppets, dismisses it as “an unwarrantied inclusion upon the whaddyacallit.” Polls show many voters looking into Norwegian citizenship.
Fears are raised that U.S. security has been seriously breached when the Los Alamos National Laboratory discovers that it has lost its nuclear secrets. Laboratory officials express shock, noting that the secrets were kept in a special secure box tied shut with two pieces of string and clearly marked NUCLEAR SECRETS! DO NOT TAKE! Fortunately, the mystery is solved a few days later when the secrets are discovered safe and sound in the home of a laboratory worker whose eight-year-old daughter, Amber, had taken them to her elementary school for a special show-and-tell session attended by the second through fourth grades and six special guests from China.
In weather news, the East Coast braces for what experts predict could be a busy hurricane season. Palm Beach County reports four feet of snow.
On a cultural note, the hugely popular TV show Who Wants to Be a Millionaire has its first million-dollar winner when an Ohio man correctly answers Regis Philbin’s final question: “What color is my tie?” (Answer: “The same color as your shirt.”)
On the legal front, the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency announces a ban on molecules, which, according to an agency spokesperson “can join together and form chemicals.” Meanwhile, an obviously testy U.S. Supreme Court, in an 8 to 1 ruling, orders Antonin Scalia to stop cracking his damn knuckles.
In a historic international development ending fifty years of Cold War hostility, South Korean president Kim Dae-jung meets with North Korean leader Kim Jong Il. They sign a formal pact in which they agree to henceforth address each other as “Buddy,” then flee, escaping a warm Bill Clinton embrace by mere seconds. On a sadder note, Syrian president Hafez Assad dies; in an official statement, Vice President Gore recalls that he and Assad “often raced camels together,” while Gov. Bush extends “deepest sympathy for the widow, Mrs. President Syrian.”
Jeff MacNelly, a regular guy who was also a genius, leaves this world for one where beer is plentiful, cigars are welcome, and all the cars are 1959 DeSotos.
In sports, the U.S. Open is not actually held because it’s more efficient to just mail the check to Tiger Woods.
And speaking of victories…
JULY
…begins with a stunning upset of the ruling party in the Mexican presidential election, which is won by underdog challenger Vicente Fox, aided by an unexpected 4.3 million votes from Palm Beach County.
In U.S. politics, George W. Bush meets with his top advisers, who inform him that, after careful consideration, he has selected as his running mate Dick “Dick” Cheney, thus balancing the ticket by including a person who speaks at least some English. Bush and Cheney are formally nominated at a convention in Philadelphia featuring a prominent display of minorities, some of whom—in a stark departure from GOP tradition—are not holding hors d’oeuvres trays. The convention is also marked by street demonstrations held by angry young people who hate capitalism and consumerism and are determined to fight these evils until it’s time to go back to college.
In legacy action, President Clinton, desperate to forge a lasting Middle East peace, brings Yasser Arafat and Ehud Barak to Camp David. Finally, after two weeks of e
xhausting round-the-clock negotiations, the talks are broken off because neither man can remember what country he represents.
The U.S. missile defense system suffers yet another setback during a much-publicized test when an interceptor missile, which is supposed to hit a mock warhead high over the Pacific Ocean, instead slams into the newly refurbished Washington Monument. Military officials, seeking to put a positive spin on the mishap, note that the monument had “a very suspicious shape.”
In domestic news, the South Carolina state legislature, in a move that angers the state’s traditionalists, votes to abolish slavery.
In Florida courtroom action, the jury in the civil lawsuit against cigarette manufacturers hands down a harsher than expected verdict, ordering a dozen top tobacco executives to be beheaded. In another controversial ruling, a federal judge orders Napster.com, the popular Internet music-exchange site, to “put some Wayne Newton on there.”
In cultural news, bookstores around the country are swamped with orders for the fourth Harry Potter book, Buy This Book or Your Children Will Hate You. U.S. profits total tens of millions of dollars, all of which will be paid to settle broomstick-related lawsuits.
Walter Matthau goes to that big, messy apartment in the sky. In sports, officials of the Baseball Hall of Fame correct a long-standing oversight by voting to induct Tiger Woods.
And speaking of winners, in…
AUGUST
…Vice President Gore, in a historic move, selects as his running mate Sen. Joseph Lieberman, who is a member of the Jewish faith, which Gore cofounded. Lieberman boldly declares that he is in favor of God, and demonstrates this by demanding that the Hollywood community “stop making disgusting and immoral movies” but “please continue to give us money.”