by Dave Barry
In international news, the United Nations Security Council, finally taking action against a scourge that has plagued humanity for decades, unanimously passes a resolution authorizing member nations to “feel free to shoot down the next bored billionaire who tries to fly around the world in a balloon.”
In financial news, Congress, addressing the corporate accounting scandals, approves the death penalty for anybody convicted of exercising a stock option. As the market plunges 128,500 points, Federal Reserve Board chairman Alan Greenspan, in a move that fails to bolster investor confidence, announces that from now on he wants to be paid in gold.
In sports, baseball immortal Ted Williams dies. His son says the body will be frozen so it can be revived in the future. A court approves this plan, on the condition that the son be frozen at the same time so he can be revived in the future to explain everything to his dad. We wish.
In other science news, archaeologists announce that they have discovered a skull that is believed to be more than six million years old. Tests show that the skull does, indeed, belong to Sen. Strom Thurmond.
In political news, the U.S. House of Representatives votes to expel Rep. James Traficant (D-Sopranos) after a House Ethics Committee investigation shows that the thing on his head is a diseased weasel that has eaten nearly 80 percent of his brain. The vote to expel him is 420 to 1, with the lone dissenting vote coming from…Iraq.
Speaking of victims, Michael Jackson tells a New York rally that—we are not making this up—he has been oppressed by his record label. Concerned fans from around the world send donations of money, food, sequins, and facial implants.
But a month of bad news ends on an upbeat note when rescuers break through to a collapsed Pennsylvania mine shaft and free nine miners who have been trapped 240 feet underground for more than three days. Also rescued are 157 lawyers who have burrowed down there to offer their services in the filing of lawsuits.
Speaking of money, in…
AUGUST
…financially strapped Brazil, in a cash-raising move considered by some experts in international law to be of questionable legality, announces that it has sold Uruguay to Paraguay for $200 million.
On the domestic front, the economic news continues to be bad, with these alarming developments:
The Council of Business Economists releases a study concluding that the U.S. economy will continue to worsen “as long as AT&T keeps running those commercials with Carrot Top.”
Airline industry losses continue to mount, forcing America West, in a cost-cutting measure, to eliminate the cockpit minibar.
WorldCom executives admit to investigators that, in a clear deviation from accepted business accounting standards and practices, they heated their headquarters by burning money.
As the stock market plunges 1.2 million points, President Bush makes a speech urging Americans to “have faith in our economy,” adding: “Thank God that I, personally, am guaranteed a generous pension.”
On a brighter note, the owners and players of Major League Baseball agree, in a heartwarming display of cooperation and concern for the National Pastime, to continue raking in money. Commissioner Bud Selig announces that, in an effort to win back the trust of disillusioned fans, “We’re going to fix it so Anaheim wins the Series.”
Lionel Hampton is gone, but his vibes ring on.
On the history front, divers seeking to recover the gun turret of the USS Monitor on the ocean floor off the coast of North Carolina discover surprising evidence that the Civil War gunship was sunk by…Iraq. The nation’s Color Code Security Status is raised to Peach (“Viewer Discretion Advised”).
And speaking of fugitives: Martha Stewart, pursued by the Securities and Exchange Commission, flees to a remote area of Westport, Conn., and barricades herself inside a primitive cabin with only nine bathrooms. SEC agents surround the structure but are reluctant to attack, as Stewart is known to possess a set of very sharp paring knives and a military-grade glue gun. “She can’t hold out forever,” states one agent. “We believe she has only a three-day supply of fennel.”
But things get even scarier in…
SEPTEMBER
…when Florida, having learned nothing from history, attempts to hold another election. Everything goes smoothly, with virtually no problems reported—until the polls open. Then there is chaos, especially in Broward and Miami-Dade Counties, which are using new computerized voting machines. Election officials begin to suspect that the system might have been programmed incorrectly when, instead of reporting the vote totals, the machines connect to the Internet and send out 126 million e-mails offering discount Viagra.
In other Florida news, police shut down I-75 for hours and arrest three men of Middle Eastern descent after a woman reports that she overheard them in a Shoney’s Restaurant talking about what she believed to be a terrorist plot. It turns out to be a misunderstanding: The men are medical students. Responding quickly, the Department of Homeland Insecurity orders all 350 Shoney’s to install metal detectors.
Robert Torricelli announces that he is dropping out of the New Jersey Senate race because he is a good man who has done nothing wrong. The state Democratic Party, looking for a “name” to replace him on the ballot, decides, in a move of questionable legality, to go with “John F. Kennedy.”
U.S. news organizations observe the anniversary of the Sept. 11 attacks with investigative reports about the nation’s continued vulnerability to terrorism. First, the New York Daily News reports that two of its reporters carried box cutters, razor knives, and pepper spray on fourteen commercial flights without getting caught. Then ABC News reports that it smuggled fifteen pounds of uranium into New York City. Then Fox News reports that it flew Osama bin Laden to Washington, D.C., and videotaped him touring the White House. The nation’s Color Code Security Status is ratcheted up to its third-highest level, Burnt Umber (“Medium Rare”).
On the medical front, an outbreak of the deadly West Nile virus prompts six states to enact strict laws requiring the registration of mosquitoes. It does not go unnoticed by the Bush administration that the West Nile is probably in the same general area as…Iraq.
In entertainment news, the coveted Emmy for best TV drama goes to the new hit show, Mall Parking Lot Surveillance Video of Woman Belting Her Child, which is running on all major networks twenty-four hours a day to guard against the danger that somebody, somewhere, might have missed it. The grand prize in the phenomenally popular talent-search show American Idol is won by perky female singer Kelly Clarkson, played, in the performance of his career, by David Hasselhoff.
In financial news, agents of the Securities and Exchange Commission stage a predawn attack on the Martha Stewart cabin only to discover that the domestic diva has escaped through a six-hundred-yard tunnel, which she apparently dug by hand using a heart-shaped dessert scoop (stainless steel, dishwasher safe, $38 at marthastewart.com). The stock market falls to minus infinity, its lowest level in nearly two weeks.
But the bad news only gets worse in…
OCTOBER
…when the Washington, D.C., area is terrorized by a string of deadly sniper attacks. After weeks of escalating fear and tension, police are finally able to break the case by identifying, then arresting, the only two males in the United States who have not appeared on CNN or Fox as sniper experts.
Speaking of terror: Saddam Hussein, having campaigned under the catchy populist slogan “A Vote for Saddam Is a Vote for Not Getting Both Your Feet Chopped Off Without Anesthetic,” is reelected with a solid 127 percent of the popular vote, which includes several thousand votes apparently cast via Internet from Broward and Miami-Dade Counties.
Another closely watched election is held in Brazil, where the voters—in a move sure to inspire confidence in the international financial community—elect, as their new president, a man named “Lula.” The economic news is not so good in the United States, where the New York Stock Exchange, in what is seen by many analysts as a troubling sign, announces that it will
henceforth be operating out of a pushcart in Battery Park.
But the scariest news comes from North Korea, which announces that, in violation of a 1994 agreement with the United States, it is developing nuclear weapons. An angry President Bush responds by pointing out that “if you spell KOREA backward, you get AEROK, which sounds a heck of a lot like…Iraq.” Reacting quickly, the Department of Homeland Insecurity produces, in mere hours, a new Color Code Security Status: Tangerine (“UH-oh!”).
In politics, a tragic plane crash claims the life of Sen. Paul Wellstone of Minnesota, whose loss is mourned at a memorial service featuring rousing eulogies and music by Limp Bizkit. The state’s Democratic Party, looking for a replacement with name recognition, taps Walter Mondale, who, after some prompting, is indeed able to recognize his name. In a speech accepting the nomination, Mondale confidently predicts that he will “send Mr. Reagan back to California.”
In the feel-good sports story of the year, the plucky and spunky Anaheim Angels, in what almost seems like a scripted outcome, defeat the San Francisco Barry Bonds in a nail-biter of a World Series that captivates millions of viewers, including several dozen living outside of California.
And speaking of contests, in…
NOVEMBER
…the Republicans win big in the midterm elections, giving President Bush a clear mandate to push forward with his foreign and domestic agendas, as soon as he thinks a domestic agenda up. In a somber postelection speech, the president reaffirms his solemn commitment, no matter how long it takes, to learn to pronounce “nuclear.” The Democrats, desperate for leadership and beginning to realize that Walter Mondale is not the answer, begin making discreet inquiries into the availability of Hubert Humphrey. In Florida, the computerized voting goes surprisingly smoothly, with election officials reporting no major “glitches,” and a strong turnout of eighty-seven trillion voters.
Al Gore emerges from his Resting Pod to let everyone know that he is not at ALL bitter about the fact that he was TOTALLY ripped off in 2000 and really should be the president, and is WAY smarter than George W., not to mention that Tipper is WAY more of a babe than Laura. The former vice president declares that he has not decided whether he will run for president again; he mulls this difficult question over in a series of heartfelt self-probing appearances on Meet the Press, Larry King Live, The Today Show, The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, Late Night with David Letterman, Monday Night Football, Emeril Live, The Simpsons, and The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, where Gore expresses his belief that the dominant issue of the twenty-first century will be biodegradable underwear.
World tension eases when Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein, under intense international pressure, announces that he will allow UN weapons inspectors “full access to Ahvaz, Hamedan, Mashad, Rasht, Urmiya, and Zahedan.” World tension increases again when the UN inspectors, having visited these sites, report that they are located in Iran.
Elsewhere in the War on Terrorism, Osama bin Laden, apparently concerned that he has been overshadowed in recent months by other world personalities, releases a new audiotape in which he states that he is “available for meetings, parties, weddings, and corporate functions.” In Yemen, a vehicle carrying a top al-Qaeda leader is vaporized by a Hellfire missile fired by an unmanned U.S. drone plane. Many Americans ask the obvious question: If we have this technology, why haven’t we used it on…Geraldo?
In entertainment news, nearly thirty million viewers tune in to watch the finale of The Bachelor, in which banker Aaron Buerge chooses, as his bride-to-be, psychologist Helene Eksterowicz, much to the dismay of the popular favorite runner-up, David Hasselhoff. Michael Jackson takes time out from his busy schedule of being an oppressed humanitarian to demonstrate the correct method for displaying an infant to a crowd from a fifth-floor balcony. Actress Winona Ryder is convicted of shoplifting, surprising CNN and Fox shoplifting experts who had been predicting for weeks that she would be a white male loner.
In an ominous development, SEC agents confirm reports that Martha Stewart recently contracted with a leading New York architectural firm to design her a cave. The Color Code Security is quickly bumped up to Jalapeño (“Everyone DOWN!”).
Speaking of scary situations, in…
DECEMBER
…hopes for peace soar when Saddam Hussein, as ordered by the UN, finally turns over a list of materials that could be used to make weapons of mass destruction. These hopes are dashed when UN inspectors begin translating the list from Arabic and find that the first item is “a partridge in a pear tree.”
Not to be outshone on the international stage, Osama bin Laden issues a press release stating that he is involved in “serious negotiations” with a “major studio” for “an important role in Jackass 2.”
On the economic front, a group of troubled U.S. airlines, faced with overwhelming losses, announces that in an effort to cut fuel costs their pilots will periodically turn off the engines during flight and coast for what an airline spokesperson describes as “a reasonable distance.” The spokesperson stresses that this procedure “is perfectly safe” and will be used “only over soft terrain.”
In another troubling story, a new medical study shows that Americans are not only fat but they are also starting to give off what researchers describe as “a really bad smell.”
In a surprise political development, Al Gore, having apparently received a status report from Earth, announces that he will not run for president in 2004. Within hours, the Democratic Party leadership, reacting to this devastating news, runs out of champagne. On the Republican side, Sen. Trent Lott gets himself into hot water when the news media report that (1) he suggested Strom Thurmond would be a good president, and (2) his DNA is virtually identical to that of a mackerel.
Congress, in a widely hailed and long-overdue effort to control the worsening celebrity glut, passes a law requiring that when a TV show such as American Idol creates a star, at least one existing star must be deported. Within hours, the Backstreet Boys are on an Air Force transport bound for Uzbekistan.
But the news is not so good from a remote, forbidding mountain region near Westport, Conn., where SEC agents prepare to attack a centrally heated, 24,500-square-foot, Country French–style cave containing Martha Stewart only to discover that their worst-case nightmare scenario has become a reality: The fugitive taste goddess has gotten hold of a nuclear food processor. “If she presses the POWER button,” states one official, “New England is radioactive coleslaw.” In response, the Color Code Security Status is ratcheted up to its highest level, Traffic Cone Orange (“Yikes!”).
And thus the year ends on a somewhat disturbing note. But this does not prevent the nation from pausing, on the eve of 2003, to gather with friends, to drink champagne, to blow into cardboard horns, to sing “Auld Lang Syne,” to reflect on the year gone past, and, above all, to realize, a little too late, that those cardboard horns are manufactured abroad and would make a perfect vehicle for spreading chemical or biological warfare agents.
But Happy New Year, anyway.
2003
ANYBODY SEEN ANY WMD?
It was the Year of the Troubling Question.
The most troubling one was: What the heck happened to all those weapons of mass destruction that were supposed to be in Iraq? Apparently, there was an intelligence mix-up. As CIA director George Tenet noted recently, “Our thinking now is that the weapons of mass destruction might actually be in that other one, whaddycallit, Iran. Or Michigan. We’re pretty sure the letter i is involved.”
Some other troubling questions from 2003 were:
If Californians hated Gray Davis so much, why did they elect him governor TWICE? Did Gray have photos of the entire California electorate naked? Can we see them?
Why did Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck—whose sole achievement in 2003 was to costar in Gigli, a film so bad it was used to torture suspected terrorists—receive more media attention than the entire continent of Asia, and nearly as much as Kobe Bryant?
Who�
�s watching all these “reality” TV shows? Nobody admits to watching them. Everybody agrees they’re even stupider than those infomercials wherein Ron Popeil spends thirty minutes liquefying vegetables to the rapturous delight of a live, if half-witted, audience. And yet “reality” shows keep getting ratings. Who are the viewers? Have houseplants learned to operate remote controls?
Can young people wear their pants any lower? Their waistbands are now at approximately knee level. Where will this trend end? The shins? The feet? Will young people eventually detach themselves from their pants altogether and just drag them along behind, connected to their ankles by a belt?
We don’t know the answers to any of these questions. All we know is that 2003 is finally, we hope, over. But before we move on, let’s put our heads between our knees and take one last look back at this remarkable year, which started, as is so often the case, with…
JANUARY
…which begins with traditional New Year’s Day celebrations all over the world, except at the Central Intelligence Agency, which, acting on what it believes to be accurate information, observes Thanksgiving.
In college football, the University of Miami Hurricanes defeat Ohio State in the Fiesta Bowl and reign as national champions for roughly a week, at the end of which a Fiesta Bowl official—a man with the reaction time of a Sequoia who has been standing in the end zone the whole time reflecting on the final play—throws a penalty flag, thus giving the game to Ohio State in what future legal scholars will deem the most flagrant miscarriage of justice in human history. Not that we Miami fans are still bitter.
On a brighter note, President Bush announces a plan to boost the sagging United States economy via a two-pronged stimulus package consisting of (1) visiting Crawford, Tex., and (2) prayer.
Meanwhile, a claim by the Raelians, a UFO cult, that they have produced a human clone baby named Eve is increasingly viewed with skepticism by scientists. “Having looked at their so-called evidence,” state the scientists, “we strongly suspect that the clone baby is actually named Rachel.”