by Autumn Sand
“Oh. Philadelphia is a beautiful city. Your parents are still there?” she asks.
“My mom is,” Brice hedges.
“Oh? Is your dad no longer with us?” my mother asks, with a slight look of concern.
Brice looks at me. I just nod my head. “Well, Mrs. Hollister, I never met my father. When my mother found out she was pregnant with me, my father walked away.”
The table is silent for a long moment. “I’m so sorry. Have you ever tried to look him up?” my mother pries.
“No. I never felt the need to. My mother became both a mother and a father for me. I can’t say that I truly missed him because I never knew him.”
“I understand,” she says, sympathy in her eyes.
“Favor, when should we expect you for Winter break?” My dad switches the subject.
“Umm, I don’t know. I haven’t figured out when I’m heading out. I’ll make a decision after the away game.” I want to speak to Brice about his plans for Winter break before I make any concrete decisions.
“Jameson, if your parents aren't back by the time Winter break comes, you are welcome to spend it with us,” my father says.
“I’ll let you know. Thanks for the offer.”
The rest of dinner consists of semi-polite conversation, with my father mostly ignoring Brice and directing his conversation to Jameson. And of course, dinner would not be complete, unless my mother corrected me constantly on my table manners. Thankfully after dinner, Brice suggests we go to a party that the football team and cheerleaders are throwing by the lake. We head straight to the party instead of changing because, let’s face it, if we went back the dorm, we would have ended up in bed. And I don’t mean to sleep.
Parking near some of the other cars at the party, we walk hand in hand.
“You know, this will be our first party together since we have been a couple,” I tell him.
Grabbing me by the waist, he kisses me. “Let’s just have fun and leave the drama from today behind us.”
“Well, that I can handle. Let’s go.” We stroll right into the thick of the party crowd. Of course, people are chanting our names when we enter.
“I thought you would never show up.” Jana rushes over to me.
“Sorry, got caught up at dinner with the parents.”
“Oh, that’s why you’re dressed like that?” She takes a step back, appraising my outfit.
“Yeah. We came right over instead of changing.”
“Babe, I am going to get a beer. Want anything?” Brice asks.
“No, I’m fine. Go hang out with the boys.”
“You’re the best.” Kissing me, he runs off.
“Just us girls?” Jana claps.
“Just us.” I smile at her.
I look around at the utter chaos of the party, with some girls walking around half-naked. I just got here, and I am already ready to leave.
“Come on, let’s get closer to where the band is playing, so we can dance.” Jana grabs my arm and drags me in the direction of where Egon and State of Mind are playing.
“I didn’t know they were playing at this party,” I say as I listen to the music playing.
“Well, Egon was already at the party and said we needed some good music, so he called up his band, and they set up,” Jana explains as she starts moving her body to the beat.
I begin to dance with her, like girls dance together, fooling around and looking sexy while doing it. People are starting to crowd around us and some of the cheerleaders that Jana cheer with are dancing with us. I’m getting lost in my head as I dance to the music with my eyes closed. Jana tugs on my arm. “Come on, let’s go up on stage with the band and dance.”
I shrug my shoulders and follow her. We climb onto the makeshift stage and begin dancing around while Egon belts out another song. The band and the crowd are eating it up as Jana and I twirl around and dance. The more the crowd cheers, the more Jana and I put on a show with our moves. I feel hands snake around my waist from behind. The crowd erupts. But the hands around my waist don’t feel like Brice’s hands. Brice’s hands are longer and leaner. I stop dancing and turn around to see who is holding me.
Jameson. He gives a drunken smirk. I try to pull away from him, but he holds on to me, lifting me up as I try to slap his face. He places a kiss on my lips, and I struggle to push him away with my hands. Suddenly the singing has stopped. Again, I feel hands on me, and this time, I’m being dragged away from Jameson. When I’m placed on my feet, I see it is Egon who has pulled me away. “You okay?” His voice is full of concern, I nod my head. “Good.” Then he steps around me and punches Jameson. Jameson stumbles backward, but recovers quickly, and they start trading blows.
Jameson’s team mates and Egon’s band join into the chaos. I jump into the thick of the fight. Hell, I grew up in a football family, so it’s not like I haven’t been tackled by my very own brother before.
I find Egon, who is still throwing jabs at Jameson. I stand in between them to hold them each away from each other. Egon lifts me up to place me behind him, and I see that Jameson is about to sucker punch him. I quickly go around Egon to try to get him out of the way, but I end up right in front of an oncoming blow. Jameson's fist lands directly on my face, and I fall backward and off the stage. The fighting stops as someone screams that I’m dead. Egon jumps down to where I lay sprawled on the floor.
“Fuck. Favor. Are you okay?” Egon rubs his hand over his face.
I try to sit up while holding my hand to my eye. Someone is going to have a black eye in the morning. “Yeah, I think.”
“Favor.” I hear Brice yell, followed by his running footsteps.
“She’s over here.” Egon stands and calls out.
Brice runs over and kneels by me. “Baby. What the fuck happened?”
“Jameson is what happened. She was dancing, and Jameson grabbed her. I pulled her away from him.”
I see Brice’s expression grow cold. He’s trying hard not to lose it in front of me. Trying to diffuse this situation before it gets worse, I explain as quickly as I can get the words out. “I’m fine. I’ll just have a black eye in the morning. I’ve had worse.” And I have.
His nostrils flare. “He grabbed you? But why would you have a black eye?” Brice’s voice is tight, as his muscles and veins strain against his skin.
“He umm...” Hell, I don’t even know how to explain this one.
“Favor, I’m so sorry,” Jameson says from the side, looking down on me.
“You grabbed her? How did she get the black eye? How did she end up sprawled out on the ground?” Brice is asking the rapidfire questions through gritted teeth.
Egon looks at me with sympathy in his eyes because he knows what is about to come next. “Egon and Jameson began fighting,” I answer him.
“And?” he prods. I look heavenwards. He couldn’t let it go at that.
“I didn’t know what to do.”
“And?” His patience seems to be hanging by a slender thread.
“I got in the middle of them, hoping to stop the fight.”
“And?” His teeth are bared now.
“Egon placed me behind him, so I wouldn’t get hurt.” Why do I feel as if time has suddenly frozen?
“And?” He’s cracking his knuckles as I say a silent prayer in my head.
Nowhere else to go with this but to tell him the rest, so I try my best to explain. “Jameson was going to punch Egon. I was trying to help Egon because he wouldn’t have been at that disadvantage if it wasn’t for him moving me behind him. So, I moved around him, quickly thinking...oh hell, I don’t know what I was thinking. Jameson’s fist connected with my face, and I went flying off the stage and onto the ground.” I rush out the last part in hopes his mind won’t catch up with his ears.
“What?” Brice stands and rushes towards Jameson, but Egon blocks him.
“Take care of your girl. Let it go,” Egon rationalizes.
“I told you before, you stay the fuck away from her.” Brice s
creams out over Egon’s shoulder as he tries to push Egon out of his way.
Jameson stands his ground and says, “She was mine before you.”
“She was never yours, and you know it. You're fucking pathetic. She never wanted you.”
Jameson throws back his head and begins laughing. Oh, my God. I know exactly what is coming and I don’t know how to stop this trainwreck. I brace myself.
“Who do you think was her first? Me. Who do you think was keeping her pussy moist before you. Me.”
Brice flinches and looks at me on the ground. I never told him about my on and off sexual history with Jameson. It never seemed like a thing to talk about…until now. Now I realize the error in my thinking. He turns back to Jameson and rushes him, landing a punch to his stomach. Jameson bends over, but Egon drags Brice back. Brice is fighting to get back to Jameson, who stands back up to his full height.
“Guess she never told you, but like I said, she belonged to me first.” He spits blood out of his mouth onto the ground.
Hushed whispers are all around us, and I stand with the help of Jana. She gives me a sympathetic look; my second one of the evening. I walk over to Brice. “Brice, let’s go,” I whisper to him. He doesn’t respond, as he is still in a stare down with Jameson, so I tug on his shirt. Looking down at me, he looks at me as if he has never seen me before. “Brice, let’s go,” I say again, louder this time. He eventually nods, and we walk away from the crowd.
Brice walks ahead of me but in the opposite direction of the cars. He walks towards the lake, and I try to keep up with his long strides. We reach the lake, and he stands at the edge, looking at the water, not saying a word. I open my mouth to speak but close it instantly.
“You know, our freshman year was the first time I saw you, here at the lake.” He points to a spot near some trees. “Over there. You were sitting with a group of girls by a fire and laughing. I thought you were the most beautiful thing I ever saw.” He laughs. “But I was also a cocky freshman. I was the backup quarterback at the time, but I knew I had the skills to change that eventually. I remember, I came over to you and your friends with Egon. I tried to talk to you, but as soon as you heard I was on the football team, you stood up and walked away.” He rubs his hands over his face and I watch his back muscles flex underneath his shirt. “I had always watched you from afar. I ended up calling you my Golden Unicorn.”
“Golden Unicorn?” I ask, remembering Egon’s words at the pizza spot months ago.
“Yeah. You were mythical to me. Something I wanted, but I could never have.”
“Oh,” I hang my head.
“When I saw you that night at the bonfire, months ago, I thought, ‘Wow, I finally have my chance with her.’” He turns and looks at me, his eyes red.
“I’ve committed every first with you to memory.” He points to his head and then his heart.
I remain silent as I take in everything he is sharing with me.
“I think I must have loved you all along, but I just didn’t know it.” He looks away, and my heart is breaking.
“I figured, when I finally got a chance with you, the best way to keep you was to show you the real me. Not the bullshit persona I put on for everyone else. Because I knew, in order to keep a woman like you, I could never bullshit you ever, or I’d run the risk of losing you.”
I bend my head and feel my cheeks burn. I never afforded him the same respect.
“When you didn’t tell me about your parents, I was upset at the way I found out. But once you explained, I understood it.”
A tear falls down my cheek. Because he did understand, and we were able to work through it and come out stronger for it.
“I guess that’s the reason why I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around this right now. You’ve had plenty of opportunities to tell me that you and Jameson were bed partners at one time. But you never told me. It’s like the two of you were in on a secret that I was never privy to. But now I see things differently. I get it. He, in his own way, was telling me. Every single time he would say you were his before you were mine.”
His words pierce my heart. “I’m sorry, Brice. I’m so sorry. I should’ve told you.”
“That’s all?”
“No, that’s not all.” My voice cracks as I speak. “At first, I didn’t say anything because we were so brand new. But as time went on, I was embarrassed by it. I never even liked Jameson. He was just...” My words drift as I search my brain for how to explain it.
“When did the two of you stop having sex?”
“The end of freshman year. I explained to him after freshman year that I didn’t want to have sex with him anymore. We were never exclusive. He wanted to be, but we weren’t. The first time we had sex was a few weeks after my brother’s funeral. I was hurt and lost without my brother. He was there, and we ended up having sex. We didn’t again until freshman year. It was random hook-ups, nothing regular.”
“You must’ve known this was going to come out eventually.” He remains still, his voice devoid of any emotion.
“I guess I did. But I hoped it wouldn’t. I have always regretted having sex with him. But I regret not telling you more. I was wrong. I should’ve told you.”
“Favor, I love you. I am in love with you. But I just don’t know how to handle this right now.”
I walk over to him and place my hands around him. Standing on my toes, I kiss him. He grabs me and kisses me back. We begin tearing at each other’s clothes to get them off, not caring that there is a party a few hundred yards away from us. I lay on the ground, and he hovers over me. I reach for his neck to pull him closer for a kiss, but he suddenly pulls away.
“I can’t.” It’s all he says as he kneels beside me.
“But...”
“I can’t. I need to get my head straight.” He stands and gets dressed. When he is finished, I’m still sitting on the ground. “I’m going back to campus. Coming?”
I swallow deeply. “So we can talk some more?” My knees feel weak as I wait for his reply.
“No.” His tone is clipped. He looks in my direction, but not at me. “I’ll drop you off at your dorm.”
My head reels back as if I’ve been slapped. “B-but...” I try to focus on getting my words out. “Why does this feel like we are breaking up?”
He looks away. “Favor.”
“Are you breaking up with me?” My voice cracks, as does my heart.
“I don’t know.” His shoulders slump and his voice is somber.
It feels like an artificial hand is squeezing my heart. Oh God, this hurts…it hurts so bad. “I promise you, there aren’t any more secrets. That was everything.” I start to move towards him, but stop myself, not willing to suffer another rejection. He can’t leave me. He is all I have.
He spins around, nostrils flaring. “Isn’t that what you said the last time? No more secrets?” He runs his hand over his face. “But it seems that you still had important ones that you didn’t share with me. And once again, I find out, not from your lips, but from someone else’s. I don’t know what I have to do to gain your trust.” He turns his back to me, hands on his hips and staring at the ground.
“I trust you. I love you.”
“You can’t possibly trust me. You never trusted me with the truth.” He turns his back on me, rubbing the back of his head.
“Okay, the truth. I’ve always been the second-class citizen in my own family. I have always lived in my brother’s shadow, both in life and in death. I gave my virginity to a family friend who was there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on. Had my brother never died, I probably would’ve never slept with Jameson. But I was at the lowest point in my life. When I came here during my freshman year, I was still reeling from my brother's death from the year before that. Jameson, again, was there because he was the only one who knew Trevor was my brother. I had built a cocoon around myself here, and Jameson was my only sense of reality. We hooked up a few random times, but I shut it down after freshman year because I
knew it wasn’t healthy for either one of us. He wanted more, and I didn’t want to depend on him.” I pause. “But then you came into my life. You changed everything for me. I felt more like who I am with you; who I am supposed to be. I felt alive, and I felt loved for once in my life, other than my brother. If I lose you, Brice, I’m losing myself. That is the truth.”
He stands, staring at me. I begin to get dressed. When I am finished, I walk towards the party. “Where are you going?”
“Something I should have done long ago,” I call back, as I set off to find Jameson.
I find him talking with some friends. Bruising around his face is becoming more prominent. I am about to add to that bruising. I walk over to him. The group quiets as they see me approaching with Brice behind me. I walk over to Jameson, and slap his face. He gets mad, but then I knee him in the balls. Jameson bends over in pain.
“You son of a bitch.” A crowd begins to draw around us.
“You left out some details in the pathetic excuse of a sexual relationship we had.”
Jameson, who is still clutching the family jewels on the ground, stares at me with a pained expression.
“Each time we had sex, I was grieving for my brother.”
People snicker off to the side.
“You, a family friend who was supposed to be offering me support during that time, was just interested in getting in my pants. You know it, and I know it.”
The snickers grow louder.
“You ride on your daddy’s coattails. You think you are something on campus, but you are just the joke of it. You lost the top spot on the team yourself, so stop blaming Brice. He put in the work and the time to hone in on his skill.”
Taunts towards Jameson come out of the crowd.
“You are a sad individual who hangs on to my family in hopes of, what? Getting me? You will never have me. I belong to Brice and only him. I know you were hoping your little outburst would turn him against me, but guess what? It has turned most girls against you. What girl is going to want to spread her legs for a man who will put her sexual business out there for a crowd to hear? What girl will spread her legs to someone who would take advantage of her? Grow up and get a life. Never speak to me again. Oh, and by the way, I will be telling my father about this.”