by Brad Mengel
“Darn,” Brick cursed. “Double amnesia. I’ve heard about this ... somewhere ... but where, I can’t remember. Because of the other amnesia.”
It seemed Brick had another mysterious past to uncover. But that could wait. Brick had a hankering for a game of tic-tac-toe, but he had never learned the game’s rules. He only knew the rules of war. And there was only one rule: kill and destroy. And also, noncombatants should be protected for any unnecessary suffering, as per the Geneva Convention.
Brick dashed along the top deck, looking down the port side. He found L.A.N.D.B.O.A.T.
“L.A.N.D.B.O.A.T.!” Brick shouted.
“Brick! My Aura-sonic multisensor is picking up A.I.R.B.I.K.E. to the west.”
“Are you repaired?” Brick asked.
“One hundred percent functionality, Brick.”
Brick leapt off the deck, landing in the driver’s seat. The impact broke the tethers holding L.A.N.D.B.O.A.T., dropping them into the water. Brick gritted his teeth. “Well, let’s make it one hundred and ten percent, L-B. We have a flying motorcycle to catch.”
With a roar, L.A.N.D.B.O.A.T. pounced through the water at breakneck knots. Much like the delicious and refreshing cranberry juice of the same name, the cold ocean spray snapped Brick into laser-focus. He looked back and saw all the hostages safely on the lifeboats as the cruise ship sank deeper into the water. They must have freed themselves. That was fortunate.
The Eastern horizon lightened as L.A.N.D.B.O.A.T. neared A.I.R.B.I.K.E. Grid grimaced at the Land Able Neo Destructor-class Boat (with) Optimized Automated Tech and rained depth charge after depth charge down into the ocean. Brick grabbed the steering wheel and swung it to the right, causing L.A.N.D.B.O.A.T. to stop on a water-dime. One second later and ten feet ahead of them, a plume of water spiked up.
“That was close,” Brick said, his voice deep with adrenaline, “but not close enough to hurt us, which is good.”
Brick snaked L.A.N.D.B.O.A.T. through the water, avoiding the depth charges.
“Arm laser-guided helix missile rack load with ultra-infrared–guided hollow-core warheads!” Brick ordered.
“L.G.H.M.R.L.W.U.I.G.H.C.W. armed,” L.A.N.D.B.O.A.T. responded.
“Aim them at a point which will stop the bike, yet fling Lily off safely.”
Lily called from the seat of A.I.R.B.I.K.E. “I trust you, Brick!”
“I don’t care!” Brick called out. “Fire!”
Two rockets leapt from the missile launcher. Like thoroughbreds, they vied for lead position in the race to the explosion-line. A rain of flares shot from beneath A.I.R.B.I.K.E., confusing the rockets like thoroughbreds that just saw the first-place horse explode at the explosion-line. The rockets slammed into each other, exploding harmlessly, except for maybe some birds or flying bugs in the area.
Brick perused his mental catalogue of weaponry. “Arm water pulse barrage cannon!”
With a whir and a click, a gun rose from the aft. It was a like a Hasbro® Super Soaker™ that was somehow given a circulatory system, injected with steroids, then turned back into a gun without a circulatory system.
“Set PSI to one million,” Brick said. “Let’s drown this bird.”
The water that L.A.N.D.B.O.A.T. rode on dropped away, its mass sucked into the cannon and fired into the sky. As the jet of seawater neared the flying motorcycle, it dispersed into millions of tiny droplets.
Grid shouted down to Brick, now directly below him. “How do you like my hyper-tronic wind disrupter, Argus?”
Brick scoffed. “I know how much you blow, Talon. But I never knew how hard.”
The insult stung Grid, who growled over the collective roars of the two ultra-vehicles’ engines. “How did you like it when I killed your wife, Argus?”
Lily’s eyes widened. She shouted down to Brick. “You had a wife?”
“I did,” Brick shouted back. “She was the love of my life. And Grid killed her. I will never love again until I have my revenge.”
Brick was interrupted by Grid. “I guess that means you’ll never love again. Or breathe!” Grid slammed a large red button on A.I.R.B.I.K.E.’s dash. The sidecar disengaged.
Brick looked up, curious. “Why would he drop his sidecar?”
“That’s not a sidecar,” L.A.N.D.B.O.A.T. said, a semblance of fear in his robotic voice. “That’s a sidecar-sized bomb!!!!!”
Lily’s jaw went slack, the cigarette dropping from her mouth. “NOOOOOOOOoooooo!” she wailed.
Brick reached under his seat and retrieved the harpoon he brought with him wherever he went. With the strength of an American Gladiator, he hucked it at the bomb. The harpoon met the bomb, piercing through the thick metal shell and poking the warhead inside. The bomb exploded midair, the blast blasting A.I.R.B.I.K.E. forward, upside-down, and over.
Lily flew from the aeromotorcycle and plunged into the ocean. She rose for air and was immediately plucked from the salty water and onto the deck of L.A.N.D.B.O.A.T. Brick’s hands were around her. He kissed her face.
“I thought you could never love again,” she protested.
Brick looked into her eyes. “My love was extinguished years ago by a bucket of liquid death. And bullets. And a missile. But this isn’t love. This is survival.”
She swooned into Brick’s arms, which glistened from the ocean spray (once again, not to be confused with the delicious beverages from Ocean Spray®. Did you know that cranberry juice is great for urinary infections?). Brick laid her down and manned the helm once again. He lowered his sleek, Oakley® wraparounds with their one-year warranty over his eyes and locked onto the now-smoking A.I.R.B.I.K.E. which careened towards a seaside road. When the flight bike’s wheels met the earth, Brick’s face dropped.
“Damn! Land!” Brick exclaimed, smashing his hand against the metal steering wheel.
“Brick,” said L.A.N.D.B.O.A.T.
“Yeah?” Brick asked.
“They don’t call me L.A.N.D.B.O.A.T. for nothing,” said L.A.N.D.B.O.A.T.
L.A.N.D.B.O.A.T.’s jet engine spat fire like a dragon with an engine and blasted towards land. A.I.R.B.I.K.E. puttered down the seaside road.
Then, with the ferocity of a lion and the rage of a bull, L.A.N.D.B.O.A.T. went on land.
L.A.N.D.B.O.A.T.’s glimmering black hull knocked Grid from his seat. A.I.R.B.I.K.E. toppled and fell, the sand etching its name into the motorcycle’s paint job. Brick deboated L.A.N.D.B.O.A.T., grabbed Grid by his greasy hair, and dragged him to the ocean.
Grid screamed, “It wasn’t me! I didn’t do it!”
Brick spoke calmly, the surf churning around them. “You should know that no amount of land can stop me or my boat. My boat that goes on land.” Brick brought his face close to Grid’s. “Did you know the human body is made up of seventy percent water?”
Grid shuddered in the surf. “It wasn’t me! I was being controlled!”
Brick ignored Grid. “Let’s see what happens when that percentage becomes one hundred.”
Brick extended his arms, submerging Grid’s game board face into the brine. Grid clawed at Brick futilely. Brick’s unblinking eyes refused to close until the eyes of his enemy did. After two minutes, Brick blinked.
Brick walked ashore and into Lily’s arms. “It’s over,” he whispered. They kissed passionately, with tongues and everything.
“Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha,” a robotic voice chimed.
Brick turned to see A.I.R.B.I.K.E. upright, lights glowing. “Glad to see you have your memory back, Argus,” it croaked in monotone. “Thank you for disposing of my puppet. He was growing tiresome. I like your new girl. I can’t wait to kill her too.”
Brick’s eyes widened. Grid was telling the truth. It had been A.I.R.B.I.K.E. all along. Brick screamed, “L.A.N.D.B.O.A.T. FIRE!”
A.I.R.B.I.K.E. rose vertically, evading the stream of bullets. Its guttural engine rumbled its staccato laugh. “HA. HA. HA. HA. HA.”
Brick embraced Lily as they watched A.I.R.B.I.K.E. disappear. “It looks like I have a ne
w enemy to destroy. And a more distant past to uncover.”
Lily joined his stare into the sunrise. “Since you killed Grid, does that mean that you can love again? Or does the fact that your true nemesis is that flying motorcycle mean that you still can’t love?”
“Yes ... one of those,” Brick said.
They embraced, falling to the sand. Brick looked to L.A.N.D.B.O.A.T. “You may want to turn off your high-compression ultra-infrared sensors, L-B.”
L.A.N.D.B.O.A.T. chirped quizzically, “Why would I? ... Oh, gotcha.” The boat’s lights dimmed.
As Brick and Lily embarked on a naval voyage of passion, the spray from the surf rose up to the sky where the rising sun caught it just right, creating an arc of glorious color: Red. Orange. Yellow. Green. Blue. Indigo. Violet.
Just like in the beginning.
THE END
Oren Brimer is a writer, director, and comedian. He has produced field segments for The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and directs/co-writes CollegeHumor’s popular Dark Knight parody series, Badman. Currently, he is a supervising producer on the forthcoming Conan companion show starring Pete Holmes, which will premiere on TBS this fall. “L.A.N.D.B.O.A.T.” is his first published short story.
THANKS!
That’s it for Issue 4, but hey, make sure to check out some of CGP’s other titles here on Amazon for your kindle, and subscribe to the Blood & Tacos podcast, either RSS or in iTunes why doncha?
Table of Contents
Title page
WE’RE BACK! THE COVER IS BLACK! AND WE’RE BETTER THAN EVER!
FATHER DUKES
BROWN SUGAR BROOKDALE
THE SANITIZER
APACHE BLOOD
L.A.N.D.B.O.A.T. (The Boat That Goes on Land)
THANKS!
Table of Contents
Title page
WE’RE BACK! THE COVER IS BLACK! AND WE’RE BETTER THAN EVER!
FATHER DUKES
BROWN SUGAR BROOKDALE
THE SANITIZER
APACHE BLOOD
L.A.N.D.B.O.A.T. (The Boat That Goes on Land)
THANKS!