“Wait,” I said. “I’m on my period.” Wow, that was such a mood killer.
He smiled. “Okay.”
“Well, I can still take care of you,” I said, reaching for his zipper.
He touched my hand and shook his head. “No, that’s okay. It’s not fair for me to have all the fun.”
“I don’t mind,” I said. I really didn’t. I loved to give him pleasure, and it was pleasurable for me as well.
He leaned forward and kissed me hard on the mouth. And that’s all we did. We just kissed and held each other and talked about everyday things. I remember thinking about how attentive he was to my needs. Haden was not selfish like most boys his age who were really just walking hard-ons. He actually cared about me and my feelings. It was so sweet and it always made me feel so loved and secure.
That was why his decision to leave me was such a devastating blow. For the first time, he showed me a side of him I never knew existed. It was heartbreaking to think about it even all these years later. How could he hurt me that badly?
I often wondered what happened to Haden. Even after we stopped communicating and broke up, I tried to keep tabs on him and how he was doing. I just wanted him to come home safely, even if he wasn’t going to be with me anymore. His mother kept me informed discreetly. It was best if he didn’t know. At least, that was my thinking at that time. I’ll never forget how relieved I was to hear that he finished his tour and was finally coming home.
I had just moved to Chicago to start my new job as a staff accountant. I’d always enjoyed working with numbers, and I was excited to be picked by one of the top business accounting firms in Chicago. I was determined to work my way up.
But, then, my father got sick a few months ago. My own mother had passed away from cancer when I was eight and my dad never remarried. I worried about him living alone, but he’d always been so strong headed. He would never want me to worry. However, he had his heart attack. Luckily, at the time he was with a friend, Wallace, at home. They were watching a baseball game when he clutched his chest and fell to the floor and Wallace called an ambulance. In the end, my father was okay for the most part. He had some damage and was going to have to change his lifestyle.
That was when I decided to come home. He begged me not to, but I knew he was secretly glad I was back. I got a job at a smaller accounting firm in the area for half the money and half the capacity for advancement, but I was home—just five minutes away from my father. It felt good to be back. Honestly, I was starting to get lonesome and homesick in the big city all by myself.
I had missed Willows. It will always be home to me.
And I was closer to Haden.
Chapter Four
Haden
I was so bored I wanted to gouge my eyes out. I was not in the mood to be sociable, but I had agreed to come out with my friends and well, here I was. I knew I should have been enjoying myself, but the only company I seemed to enjoy nowadays was my own. I just wanted to be alone. But that wasn’t healthy. And I wanted to do whatever it took to get healthy and find myself again, yet somehow, I felt like everything I did was so futile. It wasn’t going to accomplish anything.
“So, how is everything down at the car lot?” I asked Austin.
Austin smiled and glanced at me. He picked up his beer and stared at it for a moment. “It’s not too bad. I mean, I can’t complain. But we aren’t here to talk about mundane things like work. We are here tonight, gentlemen, to talk about the fun things in life.”
I had to laugh. Austin might have already had a few drinks before leaving the house. I wasn’t sure if he drove himself or not. I decided not to ask. He was smarter than that… I hoped.
“Okay, then what is the topic of discussion?” I asked.
The other guys looked at me and burst out laughing.
“Wow, you have been cooped up in the house too long,” Josh said.
I smiled. “I guess.”
“You know who I saw the other day?” Kevin chimed in suddenly. He had been quiet thus far.
“A ghost?” Austin quipped.
“Close enough,” Kevin said. “I ran into Mr. Frye at the grocery store.”
“The shop teacher?” I asked.
“Yeah. It’s only been seven years since school, but that guy has aged at least twenty. I mean, he was old then, but he looks ancient now.”
“Does he still talk the same way? You know where he asks a rhetorical question and answers it himself?” Austin asked.
“Yes! He did that, like, twice.”
We all burst out laughing. I could just picture the old days of being in the guy’s class. After answering, “Oh my, yes,” to his own question he would shake his head violently up and down in a yes nod. It was hilarious, but no one ever laughed in his face about it. He was six foot five and about 250 pounds with a violent temper. He’d almost been fired once for grabbing a two by four and going after some smart aleck kid. At least, that was the rumor. I never saw it get that bad. He was usually just very grumpy and would often yell at you for simply asking a question.
“You mean he actually spoke to you?” Josh asked. “Voluntarily?”
Kevin laughed, almost choking on his beer. “Yes. He was actually glad to see me. He was way more relaxed. Apparently, he retired two years ago. I guess it’s agreeing with him.”
I smiled. I wasn’t sure if it was the beer I was pouring down my throat or if it was just hanging with the fellas again, but I was starting to enjoy myself a little bit.
The guys continued to banter for a while with typical guy talk about sports, fishing, and Kevin’s two-year-old that was talking a mile a minute now. “We kept hoping she’d have her first word for so long and now we can’t get the kid to shut up. We’ve created a monster.”
“Well, if your kid is anything like you then your mother’s curse is working,” Austin joked.
“That’s not funny, man. I think you’re right,” Kevin said with all seriousness. We couldn’t help ourselves. All of us burst out laughing.
Eventually, though, the talk got around to women. That was something I preferred not to think about. The past month or so, my every thought had been about Ava and how messed up I’d made things. I was glad to have fought and served my country, but with the damaged mess I’d become, and the fact I’d lost the only girl I was sure I would ever love, I asked myself constantly if it was worth it. It was a bitter pill if I ever saw one.
“So, you going to marry Ginger already, Josh? Mr. Player?”
Josh blushed and waved it off. “I am not a player. I just am not ready to settle down yet. I want to make sure I meet the right girl.”
“Well, what the hell is wrong with Ginger? She is beautiful, smart as hell, has a great job, fiercely independent, and after nine months she still thinks you are a good guy. I don’t know what else you could ask for,” Austin said.
He waved the waitress down and ordered another bucket of beers.
“I know, but I’m just not ready. Besides you aren’t one to talk. Hell, you have a different woman in your bed every night,” Josh replied.
“Not every night. Sundays are me time,” Austin laughed.
The waitress returned with the beers, and I grabbed one out of the bucket. It was nice and cool in my hand. I hoped I’d be able to drive later…
“How about you, Haden?”
The question distracted me from my thoughts. I wasn’t sure where my mind had gone, but I was enjoying a little respite from the demands of the group.
“What?” I asked.
“How is your dating life these days? A former high school football star like you has to have the ladies lining up, right?” Kevin asked.
“Nah, I’ve been flying solo for a while. You know, I just haven’t had the opportunity to meet the right girl.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Austin flash an angry glance at Kevin and Josh followed by a clearing of his throat. The guys nodded in agreement. I silently thanked Austin for getting me out of that. He was the o
nly one who really knew what I dealt with on a daily basis. He’d been my best friend for so long that he knew me like a brother. I was grateful to have him in my life.
It was about this time that I tuned out of the conversation. When Kevin directed that question towards me, all I could think about was Ava. I could see the image of the girl I loved in my mind. I could almost reach out and touch her. She was so close. But, she might as well have been a million miles from me. I was never going to be close to her again.
I’d toyed with the idea of just hopping in my truck and going to Chicago to track her down, but I doubted she wanted to see me. She was probably enjoying a new life in a new world. I wasn’t going to mess that up.
I wasn’t sure why I was suddenly thinking about her all the time now, after so many years. But, she was there in the back of my mind every second of every day. Maybe it was part of the healing process. That was what my shrink thought, at least. I hadn’t told her about everything, though. Some things were private.
I was having some sexy dreams about Ava, but they were more like flashbacks. It was like watching a movie in my mind of the times we’d spent together.
Last week I’d had the prom dream again. The prom was incredible. Ava looked like an angel, the epitome of perfection. We danced the night away and were crowned Prom King and Queen thanks in large part to the campaigning of our loyal friends.
After the prom, Ava and I skipped the after parties and went straight to a hotel room. The moment we stepped through the door, we were ripping each other’s clothes off, totally ignoring the rented tuxedo and her beautiful dress she’d paid a fortune for. Within seconds, we were both completely nude and wrapped in each other’s arms. I was about to lead her to the bed when she giggled and hopped into the bathroom where she turned the shower on.
I followed her, growing harder and more lustful with every second. We’d never done it in the shower before, and it was perfect. The hot water pouring down on us, her wet skin pressed against mine, sliding as I moved in and out of her. At one point, I picked her up and pressed her against the wall as she wrapped her legs around my waist and held onto my neck. I pumped her so hard that we almost lost our balance and fell down at one point.
“I guess this is what they mean by sex injuries,” Ava joked.
I smiled and kissed her hard before I flipped her around. She quickly bent over as far as she could, her long hair dragging against the shower floor. The view of her sweet ass and the sensual orifices in front of me turned me onto a whole other level. I entered her swiftly. It was not long before we both climaxed.
That was perhaps the best night of my life, now that I really thought about it. We were both so young, so in love, and we had our whole lives in front of us. The world was at our feet.
And then I made that fateful decision and destroyed it all. I knew that I would never forgive myself for that. Never.
Chapter Five
Ava
I was tired of this. Why couldn’t I let Haden go? Lately, it was like my every thought was about him. After several years of keeping him off my mind, I felt like I was finally starting to make some progress, finally starting to move on, but somehow I got his handsome, sweet face on my mind again. And it would not leave.
Maybe it was all of the disastrous dates I’d been on, or the fact that I was not nearly as happy with my job as I used to be, or if I was a bit depressed after living in the city for a while to go back to a smaller town. I wasn’t sure. I felt I’d made the right decision to move back to be with my dad, and I was becoming unhappy in the city, but I was also really starting to doubt myself.
I tried to talk myself out of it. But the dreams and the daydreams kept happening. I kept remembering all of the wonderful things from my high school days. We were so happy. We had so much in front of us. How did everything just turn to crap so quickly? It didn’t make any sense. I couldn’t get a handle on it.
But I was sure of one thing: sitting around the house moping about it was not the answer. All I was doing was sitting there and thinking about Haden. That was not going to solve anything. It was driving me nuts. Haden had moved on. He was working with his dad, and from what I last heard, he was doing okay. But I’d only been back in town for a month. I didn’t exactly have my finger on the pulse of what was going on.
It was still fairly early in the evening, just about 9:30, and I wasn’t tired. The idea of just hanging around my place all night and talking to the dog was a bit depressing, even if he was the best dog in the entire world.
I grabbed my phone and called up my best friend, Harper. I told her all about my disastrous date and how I was feeling kind of blue and bored to death. She giggled and said she’d round up the girls. It was time to go to the bar for a great night out.
I knew I could count on Harper. The weird thing was that we weren’t that close in high school, but since I’d moved back, we had gotten back in touch. She messaged me one day on Facebook, out of the blue, saying that she’d heard I was back in town again. We got together for a few drinks and started becoming fast friends. She introduced me to her friends, Kelly and Jamie, and we all hit it off.
Within a half hour, we were at Lucky’s bar. It was the best bar in town by far. They had delicious wings, burgers, fries, pizza, live music on the weekends, great prices, and the atmosphere was always fantastic. Odds were that when you walked in you were bound to see some people you’d known from school. It was like a small class reunion every time.
I was feeling better getting out of the house with my girls. It was a good decision.
But, even then, I could not stop thinking about Haden Rutherford. It was like he had just broken up with me yesterday and there was a hole in my heart that nothing would fill. I felt like I was in literal pain, as if something was drastically missing from the core of my being.
When would it stop? When?
“So, tell us more about this loser you went out with,” Harper said.
“Oh, God. Do I have to? I’ve already wasted enough of my time on him for one night.” I rolled my eyes.
“Yes!” The other two girls chimed in, slapping each other a high five.
I told them the whole story and they all started laughing their heads off. “Well, at least you got a free dinner and movie out of it,” Kelly said.
“Yeah, but I feel almost like he should have paid me for my company and for wasting my time.”
“I guess men are dogs all over,” Harper said.
“Please, girl. You have Brian doing anything you ask him to. He is your own personal man slave.”
“Yeah, but sometimes I have to get tough on him and keep him in line. It is rather exhausting,” Harper teased.
“Wow, you are too much. I wish I had your problems,” Jamie said.
“I think that is your problem,” Harper said. “You have to show a guy right away that you are the prize. When you look like us, you can pretty much have your pick of guys. It takes more than kind words and a pretty face now, am I right?”
“I have to agree,” I said. Harper’s boyfriend, Brian, really did follow her around like some puppy dog. He was always buying her things and taking her to the best restaurants, and she claimed she hardly ever put out for him, even though she was the biggest sex maniac out of our group. She said she had to show restraint, otherwise he would get complacent. If he knew the reward was always going to be there for doing his duties, then he would become expectant. She had to keep him on his toes.
I often thought Harper should have written a few books about dealing with men. She seemed to have it figured out. But I knew she wanted a better man than that. No one wanted a guy who was your personal doormat. Or at least I didn’t. I just wanted someone special, someone who was my soulmate. I wanted Haden Rutherford.
Chapter Six
Haden
“Arggh!” I yelled, slamming the cue stick down on the pool table.
I had lost the third game in a row and I was steamed. The four of us were playing doubles and having a goo
d time, but the final shot had come down to me the last three games, and I’d blown it. I was starting to lose it.
“Dude, relax. It’s just a game,” Austin said.
My first impulse was to shout at him and possibly get in his face. The anger was welling up within me, a black twisted rage that I despised but felt powerless to do anything about. It was always with me nowadays and I could not shake it. Under the surface, it felt like I was boiling all the time and just the littlest thing could set me off. I’d almost gotten in trouble several times at work because of it.
I took a deep breath and tried to calm down. I closed my eyes and counted to ten, as my therapist had instructed me, taking long deep breaths. It seemed to help a bit, but I was still royally enraged. At least, now I could attempt to hide it.
The expressions on Kevin and Josh’s faces were enough to show me how weird I was acting. I forced a grin wider.
“I’m sorry, guys,” I said. “I’ve had a rough week and I’m tired. I guess it doesn’t take much to get me steamed these days.”
They lightened up a bit and accepted my apology. We decided that was enough pool and headed back to our table to order more beers. I wasn’t sure beer was helping or hurting my mood, but I decided right then I didn’t really care. If I had to be carried home that would be fine with me—anything to erase the hell roaring around inside my mind.
We sat back down and continued our evening. I didn’t say much for a while. I was content to let things go on around me while I enjoyed my beer. I didn’t want to really talk to anyone, and for the time being everyone else seemed to be relieved that I was calm. They let me be. Sometimes, just being around people without having to interact with them could be therapeutic. I was there but also not really.
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