“I’m fine,” I said. I grabbed a beer and took a sip, looking around me for something to use as a distraction. I found that something in the form of a good-looking guy who happened to be walking passed me.
I reached out and touched his arm. He stopped and looked at me with a puzzled look on his handsome face.
“Excuse me,” I said. “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”
He smiled and shook his head, “I don’t think so.”
“Are you sure? I never forget a face,” I said.
“Well, neither do I. Especially a face as pretty as yours.”
I fake blushed and invited him to sit down.
The other girls looked like their eyes were about to pop out of their heads. They had never seen me so forward with a guy. Admittedly, I usually wasn’t but I had to deflect things away from the fact that Haden was just twenty feet away from me.
“I’m Bill,” the guy said, sitting down.
We all introduced ourselves. Luckily Harper picked up the slack and started to ask Bill some basic questions, kicking her personality into high gear. She was so good at this. If I’d really been hitting on Bill, I might have been a bit annoyed at Harper’s intrusion, but instead I welcomed it and just fed off the banter they were creating.
“So, Bill. You here all by your lonesome?” Harper asked.
“Well, a buddy of mine was going to meet me here, but he ended up having to work late.”
“Ah, that sucks,” Harper continued. Jamie and Kelly were practically drooling.
I felt a bit sick. What was Haden going to think about me hitting on this guy right in front of him? Then again, I had to remember he did not know that I saw him before he saw me. He might have been freaking out the same way that I was for all I knew.
I wanted to talk to him so badly, but I kept thinking about what he did and the way we drifted apart. My first instinct had been to run to him and fall into his arms. But I had to consciously remind myself that he had deserted me, broken my heart, and forever altered the course of my life.
“So, what do you do, Bill?” I asked. “I’ll bet you work with your arms…”
I reached out and stroked his hard biceps with my fingers. I was a bit surprised at myself. I had no idea I was this natural at being a flirt. I guess it was a lot easier when you had no desired outcome.
Bill blushed. “I’m actually a personal trainer,” he said.
“Oh, wow. I could totally see that,” Jamie said. “Do you work at the Powerhouse Gym?”
“No, actually I give in-home personal training sessions. I freelance basically,” Bill said.
“Oh, that is interesting,” Harper said, giving him the bright eyes and stroking his hand. She was really milking this for all it was worth.
I looked at the other girls. We could hardly keep from laughing. I did feel a bit sorry for poor Bill, though.
Meanwhile, out of the corner of my eye, I could see Haden watching us.
Chapter Ten
Haden
What the hell was she doing?
It was taking all of my willpower to keep myself from running across the bar and punching that pretty boy’s lights out for good. He was sitting at Ava’s table, and the two of them were flirting hardcore with each other. Didn’t she know what she was doing to me? Did she have any idea how that was tearing me up?
No, she didn’t. I had to relax and remain calm. Ava had not seen me. She had no idea I was there. I hadn’t spoken to her in seven years. She had every right to be talking to some guy. But, did she have to make such a spectacle of herself? Or was she just playing around? Her friends did seem to be playing with this guy, too. I couldn’t tell. Reading women has never really been my strong suit. Of course most guys would say the same thing.
I was faintly aware of the fact that I was clenching both fists under the table. Ella and her friends had moved on from us a few minutes before, most likely because of my total lack of interest and poor display of basic conversational skills. The other guys started to bust my chops about it but Austin waved them off. He knew that this was hard for me and I appreciated his interjection. By the end of the night, I felt the other guys understood a bit more about me. I hadn’t hung with them all that much since I’d returned home.
“Are you okay, man?” Austin asked me.
My head perked up. “What?”
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?” I asked.
“You do seem kind of on edge,” Josh said.
I laughed and tried to get control of myself. I had to at least appear normal, right? I didn’t want to ruin their evening, and I did want to get better. I had to start taking some of the advice from my shrink and begin applying the things I’d worked on in therapy.
“Yeah, I am a bit on edge tonight. I had a rough day at work. Some things went wrong. Actually, anything you could think of went wrong and I haven’t been sleeping much lately. But I’m okay. I’m sorry I’m not exactly a barrel of laughs tonight, guys. But I do appreciate you inviting me to hang with you.”
“Sure, man,” Josh said. “It’s all good.”
The guys started to talk about their fantasy football picks at that point. Fantasy football? That was something I’d never gotten into. Even if I didn’t have PTSD, I would have thought that was a bit lame, but they seemed to enjoy it. And from what I gathered some of them actually made some cash by winning their leagues? I wasn’t sure how it worked, but I made a mental note to pick Austin’s brain about it sometime.
Right now, I had more important things to sort through. What were the odds? In the past few weeks I’d been having dreams about Ava, thinking about her nonstop, came out tonight explicitly to get my mind off her, and who the hell should I run into? I’ve never been one to believe in supernatural events, or fate, or signs of any sort. I was raised Christian, and that was pretty much what I believed in. I’ve never been superstitious at all.
But I had to admit this was like something out of a movie. It had to be the most coincidental thing that had ever happened to me or to anyone I knew. As I watched Ava flirting with this guy, I found myself wondering what was going to happen next. What was I going to do? Was there something I was supposed to do?
Maybe I shouldn’t do anything. Maybe I was supposed to ignore this and forget about it.
Oh, but I knew that wasn’t going to happen.
Aval reached out and touched the guy’s bicep flirtatiously. Anger swept through me as my hands gripped the edge of the table so hard my knuckles began to turn white and numbness began to set in.
I had to talk to her. This could have been the second chance I was looking for.
Chapter Eleven
Ava
I could feel Haden’s eyes on me, almost burning a hole through the back of my skull. Good, I thought. I wanted him to watch. I wanted him to get angry and to feel a little bit of the hurt and humiliation I felt when he cast me aside all those years ago. That was what it felt like. Even though we stayed in touch for a while and tried to make it work, I often felt that I was the only one who was trying, and as the months rolled on, it became more apparent. He was changing and he did not want me anymore.
That was why he left to begin with. He couldn’t have loved me even half as much as I loved him. If he did, then he would have chosen me. It was that simple. I still felt this way seven years after the fact, and every time I thought about it, the old hurt flowed through me and quickly turned to rage and anger. I was angry he left, and I was angry that he still haunted my thoughts. And, mostly, I was angry at myself because I still loved him and I still wanted him. Why? After what he’d done to me, why did I still care about him so deeply? Why couldn’t I get him out of my head and move on?
Maybe this would help. If I could push his buttons and make him realize what a horrible mistake he’d made by leaving me, then just maybe I could make myself feel better about the whole situation. That was my thought process at the moment anyway. At least making Haden jealous was fun.
“I usually do the first session for free. Then, after that, it is thirty dollars an hour,” Bill replied.
“Wow, that’s a little steep isn’t it?” I teased.
“It’s pretty standard if you shop around. It is a bit cheaper than what the gyms charge, but their sessions are only thirty minutes and you have to travel to their gym, wait on machines, etc. It’s a hassle.”
“Well, what about people who don’t own any equipment?” Harper asked.
“No problem. I focus mostly on body weight exercises, and I provide resistance bands as well as a set of adjustable dumbbells. You just throw them in the back pack and roll.”
“I’m impressed,” I said. I scooted closer to Bill. I was actually having fun with this and getting into my zone now. “Has anyone ever told you that you look like Christian Bale?”
He smiled and blushed again. “I’ve actually heard that a few times,” he said.
Harper and Kelly were staring at me with the most amused looks on their faces. I wished they could see themselves. They had never seen me act like this before.
“I can see it,” Harper chimed in. “But I think you are in even better shape. I hope your girlfriend approves.”
Bill smiled, “I actually just got out of a relationship about a month ago.”
“Oh, well, that is hard. I’m not sure how crazy a girl would have to be to let a stud muffin like you go,” Harper said. She was turning up her oven and laying it on extra thick now. I almost laughed. I was actually starting to feel bad for Bill. He was totally being played, but then again, he was enjoying himself.
“So, Bill, if I wanted to lose a few pounds and tighten up my problem areas, what kind of a program would you design for me?” Kelly asked.
Bill looked her over seriously. “Well, I don’t really see any problem areas.”
We all laughed. “Good answer,” I said.
“Smooth, Bill. Very smooth,” Harper teased.
“Well, I try,” Bill laughed.
I glanced back towards Haden’s table as discreetly as I could. He was still glaring daggers at me, gripping the table so hard I could see the veins popping in his muscular forearms and his hands turning ghost white from lack of circulation. This was too much fun.
But he deserved it. I kept repeating this to myself because, on some level, I actually did feel bad. I could remember all the great times we’d had. You never forget your first love. I’d always heard that but I thought you would at least get over your first love however I clearly hadn’t. What would it take to get this man out of my mind and my heart?
And why did he look so delicious? The years had been good to his body, that was for sure. He’d filled out in all the right places. I could see the outline of his ripped physique through his tight T-shirt, my mind running through fantasy images of peeling that shirt off to reveal those sculpted muscles. Oh, how I would have loved to roll my tongue up and down that chiseled masterpiece.
Stop it. I shook my head and tried to clear the images from my mind. I focused back on Bill.
“So, Ava,” Bill said. “I’d love to buy you another drink.”
“Just her? That’s not very nice, Bill,” Harper frowned.
“Well, I guess I could be persuaded to buy a round for the table,” Bill said. “But only if Ava gives me her number.”
The other girls laughed.
I was a bit shocked that he was asking for my number. This was going further than I was prepared for. I managed to keep my cool.
“Why do you need my number?” I asked.
Bill smiled, put off by the question. “Well, I’d love to ask you out sometime.”
“Okay, why not just ask me out now?”
“Um, well…” Bill stammered. I had him squirming.
“Why is it guys always ask for the number so they can call later at some random time? Hell, I might not even remember you by then. I have been tossing back a few after all,” I joked.
“That is a good point,” Bill chuckled.
I giggled, “Thanks. I appreciate that. But seriously, why not ask me out right now and keep the momentum going? Then, if I say yes, you ask for the digits.”
Bill nodded. He seemed to like where this was headed. “Okay,” he said. “Ava, would you like to go out with me Monday night?”
I smiled. “No,” I said.
The girls lost it. All of them laughing and whooping.
Bill was very confused. “I’m sorry? Why not?”
“Because I just met you. And I just got out of a relationship myself,” I lied. “I’m just not ready to date again.”
Harper stopped laughing and looked at me as if I was crazy.
“Oh, I understand,” Bill said.
“She is totally full of it,” Harper said. “Hand me your phone.”
Bill cautiously handed over his phone to Harper, who proceeded to type something into it before handing it back.
“There. Now you have Ava’s number,” Harper grinned.
My jaw fell open, too stunned to say anything. What the hell?
“Ok, then,” Bill said, satisfied.
“I screen my calls,” I told him. “So, don’t get your hopes up.”
Bill smiled. “Well, how about that round of drinks?”
He got up and went to the bar.
“What the hell are you doing?” I asked Harper.
“What the hell are you doing?” She shot back. “This guy is fun, hot, has a job, and a good sense of humor. Why the hell not?”
“Because I don’t want to,” I protested. “I’m not going out with him.”
“Give it a few days and you will change your mind. Hell, at least take the man for a test drive or two.”
“Is sex all you ever think about?” I rolled my eyes.
The other girls looked at each other and nodded yes. They all knew Harper too well.
“I can’t believe you did that,” I huffed. “This guy could be a serial killer or something.”
Harper laughed, almost choking on her drink. “You are so paranoid. This is why you are single. You have to get back on the horse.”
Bill returned with a bucket of beers and we all continued chatting. He seemed like a pretty nice guy, and I actually found out we had a bit in common, but I was not going to let myself get too involved. Besides, I was only doing this to make Haden jealous. And, judging by my occasional glances over my shoulder, it was working.
He looked like he was ready to flip. I’d never seen him so angry. And, from what I remembered, he never had that much of a temper. He had always been this cool, calm, and totally together guy. Nothing ever seemed to rattle him. It was one of his most intriguing qualities. But, looking at him now, he seemed like he was ready to go insane with rage. I was actually wondering how much further I should push this before I told Bill to take a hike.
I put my arm around Bill and laid my head on his shoulder to distract him from whatever asinine story he was telling us. The guy was a bit of a talker. I was just about to give him the heave ho when a loud crash sounded from behind me.
Chapter Twelve
Haden
I was seeing red.
The rage boiling over my entire being was dark and disturbing to the point that I knew I was going to lose it. I’d been sitting there for what felt like hours, watching Ava flirt with this pretty boy loser. She had to know I was there. She was doing this to mess with me. I knew it. There was no way she would have thrown herself at some random geek like that.
The more I thought about it, the sicker I became with anger. I’d tried to work so hard on channeling my aggression and my temper into a positive place, but just when I thought I might have a shot at containing this beast, this monster inside of me, something would cause me to lose it again. I felt sick with livid rage.
My friends were wrapped up in some conversation that I wasn’t present enough to even comprehend. I was tuning them out completely. It was almost like they were coming through in intermittent bursts in between a foggy haze that I was wrapped up in.
What the hell was happening to me?
I could not stop staring at Ava. Wow, she looked so beautiful. She was even more beautiful than she’d been before. Her body had filled out a little bit; she was even curvier and more voluptuous. Her hair was longer and wavier. It framed around her beautiful face and perfect features. I wanted to run over and grab her in my arms. I wanted my love back. The woman I loved was right there, and I felt powerless to do anything.
Right then, I felt the anger guiding my thoughts as it grew by leaps and bounds, second after second, and minute by minute. I was losing control. I could have gotten up and walked out of the bar without a word to anybody. I could have hopped in my truck and drove home to sleep it all off, but I knew that I would not be able to catch a wink of sleep. Not like this.
I didn’t even trust myself to walk out without going over to Ava’s table. And I sure didn’t trust myself to not break that guy into a million pieces.
Oh, what I would have loved to do to him. Scenarios kept playing out in my tormented mind. It would be so easy to break his neck. I could have walked over and snapped his neck from behind, and he would never know what hit him. Or maybe that was too quick. It wasn’t painful enough. I would rather throw him to the ground and kick him senseless while Ava watched in total shock. I could show her how I was willing to fight for her. I could tell her how sorry I was. No, I would show her. That was even better. I would show her by beating this other man into total submission in front of her.
What was I thinking? I couldn’t do that. Was I that insane? I felt like it more and more. I didn’t know fantasy from reality at times. And sometimes I felt like I was still in combat, like I was still there in the war zone fighting for my life. I was trying to come back to myself, but that was a futile fight. I’d gone to war and I didn’t know if I would ever come back from it. I wasn’t sure that anyone ever did. My body was here, but my soul was gone. It was still in the war fighting, and it always would be.
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