by Susan Finlay
“Having trouble getting to sleep. Been a busy day.”
“Anything I can do?”
The baby started crying, and Tawny reached over and shut off the baby monitor. “I’ll get him. It’s my turn.”
“Nope. I’m the one who can’t get to sleep. I’ll get him. You can take the next shift, deal?”
“Deal.”
The following afternoon, Lucas drove past Seth’s house. Seth’s wife was carrying bags of groceries into the house. No sign of Seth. Lucas thought about stopping and helping her, but didn’t want to make Seth mad if he found out.
He drove around the block a few times, stopped at a fast food restaurant for a soda, then drove back by the house. Seth’s car was finally in the driveway.
Lucas parked in front of the house, strode up to the door, and waited, his hands cold and clammy, heart pounding. He recalled feeling that same way when he’d first gone to the house to begin going through his father’s belongings. Fear . . . fear of what? Rejection? Failure? Getting yelled at? Bracing himself, determined that fear wasn’t going to control him any longer, Lucas took a deep breath and rang the doorbell.
After several minutes, as he was about to leave, the door jerked open.
“What are you doing here? Didn’t expect to see you again,” Seth said.
“Sorry for just dropping in like this again, but I was wondering how you were doing. Haven’t heard anything from you. Is everything okay?”
Seth shrugged. “Like you really care.”
“I do care.”
“Yeah, right,” Seth said in a snarky voice. “Been how long since you came around here? Two months, three?”
“I was actually waiting to hear from you, remember? You were going to call me.” He shook his head, making light of it. “Doesn’t matter, really. I didn’t want to bug you. Wanted to give you a chance to call when you were ready, you know.”
Seth didn’t answer.
Lucas rubbed his chin, then glanced around the neighborhood and then back at his brother. “I really do want to know how you’ve been, Seth. Everything okay?”
No response.
“Is that it?” Lucas said. “You don’t have anything to say to me? You don’t give a crap that I’m trying here, trying to fix our relationship?”
Seth sighed. “Got in an accident a while back. Shortly after you were here. Was laid-up for a while with a bum leg.”
“Oh, Seth. I’m sorry to hear that. Why didn’t you call? Are you doing okay now?”
“Yeah. I guess so.”
He was half leaning on the edge of the door, making Lucas wonder if he was really ‘doing okay’. Seth still didn’t invite him inside, and Lucas felt an old familiar self-doubt hold him back from pushing his brother.
“Um, well okay. I guess I should head back home,” Lucas said. “Don’t want to interrupt your dinner or anything.” He turned and walked briskly away, feeling disappointed.
Wait a minute. Isn’t this what I did with Dad every time I tried to talk to him about going into rehab for his drug addiction? Just walk away and say, oh well, maybe someday he’ll come around?
Lucas stopped, turned around, and saw Seth closing the door. He trotted back toward the door and said, “Wait. Gotta a few minutes to talk, Seth?”
“Uh . . . well yeah, I don’t have anything going on right now.” He held the door open for him, and Lucas entered the house.
Seth cleared some toys and papers off the sofa and motioned for Lucas to sit. “Allison is upstairs with the kids, giving them baths before dinner.” He shrugged. “I made the mistake of taking them to the beach this afternoon. Thought I was feeling good enough to go. Damn leg, kept me shut in for too long.”
“I hear ya. You know, we each have a son and a daughter now. Tawny gave birth to a boy two months ago.”
Seth nodded and kinda smiled.
“We named him Julian.” Lucas watched Seth’s face, carefully. Would the name mean anything to him?
Nothing. Had Seth even read any of the material Lucas had given him?
Lucas decided to jump right in and say what he’d come here to say. “Uh, the other reason I came by, besides wanting to see how you’re doing, was to see what you thought of the stuff I gave you.”
Seth sighed and rubbed his hands over his face, hard, the way their father used to do. He suddenly looked exactly like their father, stubble all over his face, a lost look in his eyes.
“Are you taking painkillers?” Lucas asked. “Because of your leg injury?”
“Was. Quit taking them. Didn’t want to end up a user.”
He sure didn’t look like he’d stopped taking them. “Are you doing okay? Maybe find a group to help you stop?”
Seth said, “No. I don’t need help. I can do this on my own.”
“Seth, that’s what Dad used to say, remember? I have a couple groups at the clinic where I’m working right here in Sacramento. Come to one of our meetings. I have one tomorrow night, seven o’clock.” He pulled out his wallet, slipped out one of his clinic cards, and handed it to Seth.
“I don’t need your help.”
“Then someone else. There’s nothing wrong with needing help with a problem,” Lucas said. “I became a counselor because I want to help people. You don’t have to do this alone. Let me help.”
“What do you care if I go back to taking pills?”
“You’re my brother, first of all. Secondly, I’ve seen too many people struggling with pain and addiction. I help them with their problems and help them help themselves.”
“What will it cost me?”
“Don’t worry about the cost. I’ll take care of that. Just come, okay?”
“I guess.”
“Great.”
They sat in silence for a couple minutes. Lucas looked around the living room. It looked shabbier than he remembered, which seemed odd, considering Dad had left both Seth and Lucas money. Of course, Lucas had no way of knowing what debts or bills Seth and Allison had accumulated.
“What’s happening with your job?” Lucas asked. “You still working at the bank? Last I heard you were an assistant manager or something like that.”
Seth winced and looked away for a moment. When he looked back at Lucas, he said, “I lost the job. Got laid-off. They cut you loose if you take too much time off. Didn’t care that I’d worked my butt off for six years. Didn’t matter that I was nearly killed when a wrong-way driver swerved and crashed into me. Hell. What’s wrong with people?”
Good grief, his brother was in pain, but not only physical pain. He was in that downward spiral Lucas had seen too many times.
“Oh man, that’s terrible. I’m really sorry. I can check around, if you want, see if anyone has a job opening or knows of one. I know a lot of people.”
“You’d do that for me?”
Lucas nodded.
“That would help. Thanks.”
Lucas’s knee started bouncing, a nervous habit he’d tried to break ever since he was a kid. Better try again to talk about the family tree stuff. “Can I ask, did you get a chance to read the diaries and other stuff I brought over?”
Seth closed his eyes, not responding.
Several minutes went by, with Lucas wondering if Seth had fallen asleep. The sound of a clock ticking nearby caught Lucas’s attention, and he turned his head to see where it was. The clock was sitting on the fireplace mantel. A memory flashed through Lucas’s mind. Mother had given Seth that clock for his birthday shortly before she passed away. She’d told him that it was something he could keep with him to remember her by.
He sat staring at the clock for several moments, thinking about their childhood and their mother. Finally, Lucas started to get up to show himself out. Seth was apparently asleep. As he stood and turned to go, he heard sound coming from Seth. He turned around again and edged closer, leaned down, slightly.
Seth was quietly crying.
Lucas kneeled down in front of his brother and gently placed a hand on Seth’s knee. “Seth, w
hat’s going on? Talk to me, please. I’m here to help.”
Several more minutes passed, as the crying became louder and louder, and then slowly came to an end.
Seth opened his eyes and swiped at his wet face with his shirtsleeve. “Sorry. I don’t know what came over me. Never done that before.”
“Was it about Dad?”
He shook his head.
“Did it have something to do with our family tree material? I know there was some pretty shocking stuff in there.”
He sniffled. “Yeah, you could have warned me. What the hell? We’re Jewish. You’re married to a black woman. Our grandfather’s brother had an illegitimate kid. What other wild creatures do we have in our family forest, huh?”
“Hey, at least we aren’t related to Stalin or Ivan the Terrible or some other dictator.”
“Not that we know. Yet. I assume you’re going to keep digging.”
“Yeah, probably. I guess I’ve got the bug.”
“And you just had to go and give it to me, didn’t you?”
“Hey, what’s family for, right?”
Seth chuckled, then broke out into a full belly laugh. When he finally stopped, he said, “Wow, that crying and laughing felt good. Who would have thought?”
Lucas pulled a footstool over and sat down on it. “Did you read everything? Did you get to the part that I wrote about going to Germany and meeting some of the people who were in the diaries?”
“Yeah. You actually got to meet Ilse and Petr?”
“Yep. And Julian.”
“Ron and Ilse’s son?”
“Yeah. Julian’s in his sixties now and lives in Munich. Real nice guy. He says he wants to visit us here. Maybe in the spring or summer next year.”
“Cool.” He didn’t say anything more for a couple minutes. “Uh, I guess the aunts probably hate me, right?”
“Because of your neo-Nazi beliefs, you mean?”
“Yeah.” His face reddened.
“Do you still feel the same way, after learning about your roots?”
Seth shrugged, squirmed and did a sort of eye-roll. “Guess that cat’s out of the bag. But just know, I’m not ready to convert to Judaism.”
“That’s okay, brother, you’re making progress, and that’s what counts.”
Seth smiled and nodded. “Guess there’s hope for me yet, huh?”
“Definitely.”
Loud noises on the stairs made them both look up. Allison and the kids were on their way down.
Lucas stood up, and said, “I should be getting home. You guys are probably going to eat dinner soon and Tawny’s probably wondering where I am and why I’m not there for dinner.”
Seth got up and walked Lucas to the door.
Before Lucas left, he turned to face Seth and said, “I’m really glad we talked. I hope to see you tomorrow night at the clinic. Tawny and I are having a cookout on Saturday. Probably the last warm day for one this year. I invited the aunts and I really, really hope you and Allison and the kids will come.”
Seth smiled and, surprisingly, gave Lucas a hug. “I wouldn’t miss it.”
THE COOKOUT AT Lucas and Tawny’s house went famously. They drank beer and wine, Lucas cooked hot dogs and burgers on the grill, wearing a chef’s hat everyone made fun of. Tawny made a big pot of chili and another of baked beans and put out bags of chips and pretzels (to go with the beer, Lucas attested). Afterward, they cut up and handed out chunks of watermelon and sat around enjoying the company.
Seth and Allison were quiet at first, and Lucas worried about them, but between Tawny and the aunts, the young couple finally relaxed and opened up. Turned out, Allison had never really shared Seth’s visions of an Aryan world and while her husband was busy, quietly thanked Lucas for helping Seth change back into the guy she’d fallen in love with back in high school.
Once she said that, a light bulb went off in Lucas’s head. Now he remembered the shy girl who had followed the popular football player, Seth, around, always seeming to be ill at ease around his popular friends. However, when alone with Seth and Lucas, she opened up and blossomed like a flower in the sunshine.
Kids always have an easier time, Lucas decided. Put them together in a backyard with a swing set, a few toys, especially the kind you can ride on, and they become instant best friends.
As they sat around the fire pit in the backyard, Seth said to Lucas, “You told me you actually got to meet Ilse and Petr and Ilse’s son, Julian.”
“Yep.”
“Wow, that’s cool. I guess you named your boy after him.”
“Well, sort of. After him and also after our great-uncle, the first son of our grandparents, Christa and Tom.”
“Huh? Wait a minute. I thought they only had one son. Our dad. Joseph.”
“Yeah, I didn’t know about him, either. After my return, when I told Aunt Anna and Aunt Elsa about Julian, their Uncle Ron’s son, they told me about their other brother, Julian. He was born in Biberach, in between Elsa and our dad. He was what was called a blue baby. His heart wasn’t fully developed, and he only lived a few days.”
“So you named your son after both of them.” Seth leaned back and took a swallow of his beer. “That’s damn cool, in my opinion.”
“Hey, there’s something else,” Lucas said, “Did you know that our Aunt Anna was also named after Hanna Nagel, Christa’s mother, and partly after the baby that Hanna gave birth to after the war. That baby also only lived a few hours. Christa never forgot her precious doll-like baby sister and decided to name her first child after her.”
“Oh. What makes you think that?” Seth asked.
“Christa’s sister, Giselle, told me. Her mother, Hanna Nagel, is our great-grandmother. Her daughter, Christa Emelie Nagel, married Tom Landry. After they moved here to California Christa began using her middle name, Emelie. That’s what threw me at first, when I was told our grandparents were Tom and Emelie Landry. Well, you’ve probably already figured all that out.” Lucas shrugged, trying to remember how much he’d written down and put in that box. “Anyway, Aunt Anna and Aunt Elsa didn’t know. They were really young when they came to the U.S. They actually met their grandmother, Hanna, while they lived in Biberach, but they knew her only as Oma, not as Hanna Nagel. Their cousins, Giselle, Fritz, and some of the other siblings, as well as some of their children, told me some of that history.”
They sat for a time, drinking beer, watching their kids play together, tending the fire and just enjoying the afternoon sun. The aunts walked over to the fire pit and sat in lawn chairs nearby, drinking wine coolers. Anna and Elsa talked to each other a few minutes while they watched the kids play. Then they moved their chairs closer and began telling Seth and Lucas what it had been like for them, living in Germany when they were little. They talked about winter festivities around the town, sledding on the hills, and ice skating when they were kids. Oh, they said they had great fun as youngsters in Germany.
By the time everyone went home, they’d all agreed to meet again for another family party at the aunts’ house in a few weeks. Seth and Allison and their kids would get to meet the rest of the family that lived in Northern California—the aunts’ kids and grandkids and great-grandkids.
A MONTH LATER, on Christmas Eve, in the old German traditional celebration of Christmas, Lucas and his family and Seth and his immediate family gathered together at Lucas’s home in the Victorian house where the two men had lived with their parents. The adults drank a warm German spice wine that Tawny had found the recipe for online.
Lucas and Tawny sat on the sofa, near their Christmas tree, watching as the kids played with the presents Santa had brought. Tawny leaned her head on Lucas’s shoulder, while baby Julian slept in her arms.
Tawny’s mother, Lani, and her new boyfriend, Earl, an Australian who had a thing about wearing hats all the time—everywhere—sat on the loveseat, holding hands, watching the kids and sharing smiles with each other. Tonight Earl had switched it up, wearing a Santa hat instead of his outback hun
ter’s hat that he said he’d gotten after he’d caught a crocodile. Lucas had a hard time knowing when Earl was kidding and when he was being serious.
Allison kneeled on the floor shining a laser light around, exercising the cat.
Seth stood in front of the fireplace, holding the family photo taken at Christmastime, years ago. This was the same photo Lucas had felt sad to look at after their father died but was now very grateful to have. It was funny, he thought, how time and perspective could change feelings and attitude.
“Do you think Mom and Dad are watching us from Heaven?” Seth asked, looking over at Lucas.
“I hope so. I picture them smiling and looking fondly at the family they created while they were here on earth. Where they are now, I expect they probably know everything that we were all too blind to see before. The more we learn about history and the world and how things are connected, the more likely it is we can understand that everyone makes mistakes, and that we can learn from them, and that we don’t have to hold onto guilt feelings forever. Just grow and do better in the future.”
Seth smiled. “I like that idea.” He hesitated a moment, setting the frame back on the mantel. “I’ll add to your comment. I now believe that our mistakes and struggles make us stronger and better able to face whatever challenges come our way.”
“I couldn’t agree more,” Lucas said.
After a few moments, Seth added, “I think Dad was actually a decent father. A little screwed up, like we all are, but not as bad as I remembered when I was angry with him.”
“Yeah, I think we didn’t get to know Dad the way I wish we had. But you know, we actually did have some good times as a family, didn’t we? And this house wasn’t a bad place to grow up, either.”
CAST LIST
Landry family in Sacramento, California in 2017—
Parents: Joseph Landry (born 1959) and Jennifer Landry (born 1961). Both deceased. Oldest child: Lucas Landry (born 1989), psychologist who specializes in drug addiction.
Wife of Lucas: Tawny Landry (born 1987), also a psychologist.
Child of Lucas and Tawny: Bianca Landry (born 2014).