by C. W. Neill
A PERIGEE BOOK
Published by the Penguin Group
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THIS MOVIE WILL REQUIRE DINOSAURS
Copyright © 2014 by Curt Neill
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eBook ISBN: 978-0-698-14407-1
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First edition: July 2014
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Illustrations by Barak Hardley
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CONTENTS
Title Page
Copyright
Introduction
INT. I DON’T KNOW, AN APARTMENT?
EXT. WAREHOUSE
INT. LOCKER ROOM
EXT. FIELD
INT. OFFICE
EXT. THE PLAINS OF AVALON
EXT. PRISON YARD
INT. CHANDLER AND JOEY’S APARTMENT
INT. APARTMENT
INT. HEADQUARTERS
INT. BATHROOM
INT. BAR - EVENING
INT. KITCHEN
EXT. BASEBALL FIELD
INT. SECRET HIDEOUT
INT. HI-TECH SCIENCE LAB
EXT. HOUSE - FRONT YARD
EXT. DRIVEWAY
INT. TORTURE ROOM
INT. CAFE
INT. AN OFFICE
INT. CHURCH
EXT. DAYTONA 500
EXT. PARK
EXT. ROAD
INT. RESTAURANT - EVENING
INT. OFFICE
INT. BEDROOM
EXT. BATTLEFIELD
EXT. STREET
EXT. STREET
INT. FLIGHT SCHOOL – OFFICE
EXT. CAFE - MORNING
EXT. LOS ANGELES INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - ARRIVALS
EXT. BACKYARD
EXT. BASEBALL FIELD
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
INT. ABANDONED FACTORY
EXT. LAKE
INT. DOLLAR STORE
EXT. ROUTE 66
EXT. STREET – DAY
EXT. STREET
EXT. MAJOR CITY - I’M THINKING CHICAGO
INT. CHURCH
INT. RUSSELL CROWE’S HOUSE
EXT. PUBLIC POOL
INT. AIRPORT HANGAR
INT. LIVING ROOM
EXT. SPACE
INT. BASKETBALL ARENA
INT. CAFE
EXT. NEW YORK CITY
INT. STARBUCKS
INT. BREAK ROOM
INT. LIVING ROOM
INT. CENTRAL PERK
INT. LOCKER ROOM
INT. BAR
INT. BEDROOM
INT. OFFICE
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE
EXT. ROAD
EXT. MOUNT ESTERIOUS
EXT. MAJOR CITY
EXT. MY MANSION - THE FUTURE
INT. POOL HALL
EXT. THE SURFACE OF MARS
INT. SUBWAY
INT. LIVING ROOM
EXT. STREET
EXT. OLD WEST TOWN
EXT. PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY
INT. ART SCHOOL - CLASSROOM
EXT. MIAMI INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
INT. CENTRAL PERK
EXT. BACKYARD
INT. THE CAVE OF DESPAIR
INT. KITCHEN
INT. BEDROOM
INT. BATHROOM
INT. HOUSE
EXT. STREET
INT. MY SUBCONSCIOUS
EXT. GOLF COURSE
EXT. BUILDING
EXT. HOT TUB
EXT. SECTOR 43 - PLANET Z
INT. BAD GUY PLACE
INT. DANCE HALL
INT. A PLACE
INT. MY PANTS
INT. OFFICE
INT. CLASSROOM
EXT. STREET
INT. BALLROOM
INT. FANCY RESTAURANT
EXT. BASEBALL FIELD
INT. LIVING ROOM
INT. OFFICE
INT. MY WALLET
INT. MONICA AND RACHEL’S APARTMENT
EXT. RANCH
EXT. DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES - STREET
EXT. SHOPPING MALL - PARKING LOT
INT. ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S BEDROOM
EXT. THE UNIVERSE
INT. MY BANK ACCOUNT
INT. DORM ROOM
INT. BANK
EXT. PARK
INT. STAN’S OFFICE
INT. CASINO
INT. ADOLF HITLER’S OFFICE
INT. LIVING ROOM
EXT. HOUSE
INT. DINER – NIGHT
EXT. THE WHITE HOUSE - MORNING
EXT. PARK
EXT. OUTDOOR BASKETBALL COURT
INT. BEDROOM
INT. CLEOPATRA’S PRIVATE BATH HOUSE (BATHROOM?)
INT. BOWLING ALLEY
EXT. A PERFECT WORLD
INT. OR EXT. WHEREVER.
INT. FANCY RESTAURANT
INT. MY OFFICE
EXT. CEMETERY
INT. CASTLE OF KRIBERIA
INT. LIVING ROOM
EXT. STREET
EXT. YANKEE STADIUM
EXT. PARKING LOT
INT. RESTAURANT
INT. MY OFFICE
INT. LIVING ROOM
EXT. A PERFECT WORLD
INT. CHURCH
INT. OFFICE
INT. STARBUCKS
INT. RESTAURANT
EXT. BEACH - AFTERNOON
EXT. MY BUTT
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
EXT. BASKETBALL COURT
INT. SCIENCE LAB
INT. MY OFFICE
EXT. COFFEE SHOP
EXT. FRONT YARD
EXT. VENICE CANALS
EXT. A PERFECT WORLD
EXT. BASKETBALL COURT
EXT. MY MANSION
INT. MOVIE THEATER
INT. SECRET HIDEOUT<
br />
EXT. TALL BUILDING
INT. GUNTHER’S APARTMENT
INT. LOS ANGELES INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT
INT. A HALL (LIKE A BANQUET HALL, NOT A HALLWAY)
INT. BRITNEY’S APARTMENT
INT. SOME KINDA SUPER-SECRET GOVERNMENT BUILDING OR SOMETHING
EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS
INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY
INT. MY BEDROOM - AFTERNOON
Conclusion
INTRODUCTION
Hello. My name is C. W. Neill. Welcome to my book.
Now, you may be asking yourself, “Who the heck’s this guy and why does he have a book?” Great question. I’ll answer it now.
You see, as long as I can remember, I’ve always loved movies. I love the way they make me feel, I love the places they take me, I love the words the people say while they’re in them. And as long as that love has existed, I’ve been coming up with movie ideas of my own. Like, really good movie ideas. I guess I just got lucky and have one of those imaginations that’s never ending and capable of absolutely anything, ya know?
More recently, this has led to me trying to put these ideas on paper in what is called a “screenplay.” It’s like the written version of a movie, but it’s not a book. Does that make sense? It’s also called a “script” sometimes. You guys have heard of scripts before, right? That’s what these are. But for the longest time no one ever heard my ideas or read my scripts.
Until now . . .
So one day, my best friend Randy was over at my place and we were just hanging out. Then he just happened to look at my computer and see what I was working on and he literally lost his mind over how good my ideas were. He was actually laughing hysterically out of amazement, even though they weren’t comedies. He begged me to let him read some more, so I was just like, “OK, yeah. Go for it.” Then he read like a hundred more and he loved every one of them. It was in that very moment that I thought, “OK, maybe you’ve got something here, C.W.”
Then, sure enough, fourteen months later here we are! An entire book chock-full of some of my best and most interesting ideas. Incredible.
Now, keep in mind, these are only the very beginnings of my ideas. “Idea seeds,” if you will. Seeds that will one day grow into huge idea trees that make millions of dollars at the box office and make certain people regret breaking up with me. Once I finish them, that is. But for now, it turns out just these very beginnings are already super-interesting and worth making a book out of.
So I guess that’s it! I hope you like my book. I think it’s pretty good.
Please, enjoy.
—C. W. Neill
--------------------
INT. I DON’T KNOW, AN APARTMENT?
DAVE sits on the couch or whatever. Maybe he’s standing, it doesn’t matter.
--------------------
EXT. WAREHOUSE
Anywhere from twenty to twenty-five GUYS are involved in a gunfight. Some of the guys are GOOD GUYS, some of them are BAD GUYS, and one of them is AGENT JOHN MACKEY (good guy).
Mackey’s a great shot, so he’s just taking out Bad Guys one by one. He shoots BAD GUY #7, but he doesn’t die right away.
BAD GUY #7
If I’m going down, you’re going down with me, Mackey!
He pushes a red button on a DETONATOR and the whole place blows up in flames. But not before Mackey and the remaining Good Guys get out just in time.
AGENT JOHN MACKEY
Who wants tacos?
Stupid question. Everybody does.
--------------------
INT. LOCKER ROOM
A bunch of SPORTS GUYS are hootin’ and hollerin’ because they just won the big game.
COACH enters and blows his WHISTLE. The guys hush up real quick. They don’t know what he’s gonna say.
COACH
Cool sports, men. Very cool sports.
The guys all go back to celebrating, but now they’re including Coach and everyone’s really enjoying themselves.
--------------------
EXT. FIELD
There’s a bunch of TREES. Right now I’m picturing SEQUOIA TREES. But depending on what kind of location we’re able to get once production starts, that can change. Just know that sequoia trees are preferred.
A TYRANNOSAURUS REX shows up and he is pissed.
NOTE: This movie will require dinosaurs.
--------------------
INT. OFFICE
DAN sits at his desk, hard at work on some WORK.
His assistant, MAGGIE, enters.
MAGGIE
Here are those reports you asked for, Dan.
DAN
Thank you, Maggie. Could you close the door for a moment, please?
Maggie closes the door and then Dan immediately starts grabbing her BOOBS. She’s clearly into it, so they start French-kissing and taking off each other’s CLOTHES in preparation for HOT SEX (hopefully).
--------------------
EXT. THE PLAINS OF AVALON
TRIBERION rides his trusty steed YULU across the never ending PLAINS OF AVALON.
Suddenly he hears the familiar cries of an EAGLE OF ARGLARD and looks to the sky. Sure enough:
EAGLE OF ARGLARD
Hey, Triberion, what’s up?
TRIBERION
Hey, dude.
--------------------
EXT. PRISON YARD
A bunch of PRISONERS are playing BASKETBALL and lifting WEIGHTS and stabbing each other via SHANKS.
JASON STATHAM’S CHARACTER enters the yard and gets this squinty look on his face like, “Come on, sun, really?”
JASON STATHAM’S CHARACTER (V.O.)
I never really thought of myself as the “prison type.” But I guess when the United States government thinks you tried to kill the President, you don’t get much say in the matter, do ya? Oh well... I voted for the other prick anyway.
Then he just starts punching EVERYBODY.
--------------------
INT. CHANDLER AND JOEY’S APARTMENT
CHANDLER and JOEY are sitting in their RECLINERS watching TV.
ROSS enters with the biggest JAR OF MAYONNAISE you’ve ever seen in your life.
CHANDLER
Uh... witty, sarcastic quip much?
STUDIO AUDIENCE
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
--------------------
INT. APARTMENT
MARY is breaking up with her boyfriend JASON. Jason isn’t very happy about the whole thing.
MARY
(crying)
I’m sorry, it’s just not working out.
JASON
What do you mean it’s not working out?! That’s bullshit and you know it! It’s been working out for the last five years, hasn’t it?
Mary just looks at the ground.
JASON (CONT’D)
This relationship has been working out for so long that it could compete in weight lifting competitions! Or maybe be a trainer or something. It’s been working out for so long that when people pass it on the street they stop and think, “Jeez is that relationship on steroids? Look how strong it is.” Because that’s what happens when things work out for so long, Mary, they get REALLY FUCKING STRONG! And that’s what happened with this relationship. It’s gotten really, really strong because it’s worked out for so long. And the fact that you’re sitting there, trying to tell me that it’s not working out... like some kind of fat, out of shape loser that doesn’t take care of its body, is horse shit! How dare you sit there and say something like that to me. After all the working out we’ve done together...
Mary still doesn’t say anything.
JASON (CONT’D)
Well, I guess that’s it then. Looks like I won’t have a spotter the next time I
bench press my love for you.
--------------------
INT. HEADQUARTERS
A bunch of important GUYS are sitting around a big round table and they all look super-nervous.
THE PRESIDENT enters. Everyone sits up straight.
THE PRESIDENT
All right, fellas, I need ideas and I need ‘em now. What the heck are we gonna do about this Godzilla guy?!
All the important Guys just shrug like, “Beats me.”
JOHN MCCLANE enters dramatically.
--------------------
INT. BATHROOM
JULIE is getting ready for bed.
First she flosses. Then she brushes her teeth. Then she washes her face.
Then there’s probably a couple minutes of girl stuff that I’m not really sure about. Then she poops. I think. Right?
--------------------
INT. BAR - EVENING
TIM enters and starts scopin’ the place out. It’s straight up crawling with CHICKS and they all got boobs. He smirks and nods like, “Oh yeah, here we go.”
Then he realizes that yet another sexual conquest won’t fill the hole in his heart and what he really wants more than anything is to be loved. Truly loved.
Tim exits.
--------------------
INT. KITCHEN
ROBIN is making DINNER, and she looks tired from a long day.
TROY enters, drops his BRIEFCASE by the front door, and walks into the kitchen.
ROBIN
Hey, sweetie!
TROY
Hey, baby.
Then Troy walks up behind Robin and hugs her sensually. Robin makes this face like, “Oh, that’s nice.” Then Troy reaches down her PANTS and Robin makes this other face like, “HELLO.”
--------------------
EXT. BASEBALL FIELD
A group of YOUNG MEN are doing some casual BASEBALL. They’re having a great time because they’re friends and they love the game. Some things never change, know what I mean, haha.
Then, get this—THE APOCALYPSE starts happening. WHAT?! Ugh. So now the guys have to go help, but they don’t have time to change. So they just wear their baseball outfits for the whole movie and they look really, really cool.
ATTN: POTENTIAL PRODUCERS AND/OR DIRECTORS: The baseball outfits are NONNEGOTIABLE, so don’t even try it.