by C. W. Neill
FAMILY AND FRIENDS have gathered to honor the memory of JERRY because he is dead and this is his FUNERAL.
His best friend and band mate WILL delivers his eulogy.
WILL
A great man once said, “Don’t stop believin’.” And that’s what Jerry did. He never stopped believin’. He never stopped believin’ that he could be one of the greatest guitar players the world had ever seen. And he never stopped believin’ that he could beat cancer. Unfortunately for him, and all of us, God did not share those beliefs.
(beat)
Jerry was a great man, and a great musician. The best I’ve ever jammed with. Any way you want it, that’s the way you’d get it. And he would give it to you, faithfully. As long as that wheel in the sky kept on turnin’, he kept on rockin’. And now he’s gone. Gone forever. No more lovin’, touchin’, squeezin’. No more open arms. Only memories. Good memories, happy memories. Goodbye, old friend. It was quite a Journey. This one’s for you.
Then Will picks up a guitar and proceeds to sing Steve Perry’s “Oh Sherrie” but says “Jerry” instead of “Sherrie.”
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INT. RUSSELL CROWE’S HOUSE
RUSSELL CROWE is hosting another one of his infamous Hollywood parties. Everyone’s there: TOM CRUISE, REBECCA ROMIJN, JOHN CENA, CLINT EASTWOOD, JON BON JOVI, and even WILMER VALDERRAMA.
I enter with my current girlfriend, YASMINE BLEETH. She looks amazing and I have really clear skin. Everyone’s all like, “Aw yeah, here we go!” Because now that I’m there the party can really start.
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EXT. PUBLIC POOL
BRODY (early 20s, Caucasian, strong body type) sits atop the LIFEGUARD TOWER as he is the LIFEGUARD. He looks absolutely amazing. His HAIR? Flawless. His SKIN? Golden and glistening. His PECS and BICEPS and ABS? The definition of definition. Women want him, men want to be him.
Then, suddenly, a PERSON starts to drown, but Brody is too busy glistening, so he doesn’t notice, and they die :(
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INT. AIRPORT HANGAR
Some MILITARY GUYS are getting ready for the big mission.
Everybody’s there: TOO TALL, DAKOTA PETE, HORSE FACE, CAPTAIN MUSCLES, HAYSTACK, MR. MUSCLES, JACK RABBIT, BULLET GUY, KNIFE MAN, PICKLES, CARL THE MURDERER, DR. DENIM, CHUD, CEILING FAN, TURKEY SANDWICH, PROFESSOR BROWN PANTS, UGGO, SOUR DOUG, THE POOP NAZI, COTTON CANDY, DIP SHIT, SHIT DIP, CHICKEN TENDER, CODE RED MOUNTAIN DREW, LAMP SHADE, TWEEDLEDEE, TWEEDLEDUM, TWEEDLESMART, PEANUT BUTTER, JELLY, PUKE MOUTH, BORING STEVE, HOLD THE GUAC, DUMP TRUCK, FLAPJACK, NO TEETH, TOO MANY TEETH, THREE BALLS, TIPTOE, DICK CHEESE, ARMPIT, BLINDY, BANANA FRANK, FILIPINO PHILLIP, and of course, JON BON JOVI (ideally).
JON BON JOVI
All right, fellas. Just remember—if you’re gonna go down, go down in a BLAZE OF GLORY!
EVERYONE
Oh my god/Really, dude?/Shut the fuck up, Bon Jovi.
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INT. LIVING ROOM
JESSICA and LAUREN are having a girls’ night. And let me tell ya what, they are really lettin’ loose. They got ICE CREAM, they got NAIL POLISH, they got TAMPONS (right?). And of course they’re watching their favorite movie, Miss Congeniality 2.
Then JACKIE enters with three BOTTLES OF WINE, and they all literally scream for twenty seconds followed by FRENCH BRAIDS.
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EXT. SPACE
WARPMAN and DR. ELEMENT are engaged in a heated SPACE FIGHT. Gravity doesn’t exist in space, so every blow is multiplied by one thousand, and if you bleed, the BLOOD just kind of floats around. Needless to say, it’s a pretty cool space fight.
Dr. Element pulls a piece of TECTONIC out of his POCKET.
WARPMAN
How?! It was all destroyed!
DR. ELEMENT
You would think that!
Then he throws the Tectonic at Warpman, but Warpman has great reflexes, so he quickly catches it and throws it right back at Dr. Element, hitting him square in the chest and causing him to burst into nothingness.
WARPMAN
(super-cool)
You would die like that.
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INT. BASKETBALL ARENA
It’s the Championship Game and emotions are high. The place is packed to the brim with FANS, and they’re all on their FEET as there’s only four seconds left. BULLDOGS’ ball, down two; if they don’t score, THE MUSTANGS win the Championship. Emotions are high. Four seconds left. Championship Game.
JOHNNY inbounds the ball to DERRICK. He dribbles the BASKETBALL three times and throws up a 3-pointer. If it goes in, they win the game. The Championship Game. Emotions are high.
BEGIN SLOW-MOTION SEQUENCE:
Cut back and forth between:
-The ball flying through the air.
-Derrick watching the ball fly through the air.
-The ball flying through the air.
-MUSTANG #2 watching the ball fly through the air.
-The ball flying through the air.
-DERRICK’S MOM covering her eyes because she just can’t watch the ball fly through the air.
-The ball flying through the air.
-COACH pulling his HAIR out as he watches the ball fly through the air.
-The ball hits the RIM and bounces straight up.
-Derrick winces and leans as if to physically will the ball into the HOOP.
-The ball comes back down and indeed goes IN THE HOOP!
The Bulldogs win the game! AMAZING!!! Everybody starts jumping up and down and hugging each other. After all they’ve been through, they actually pulled it off. What an unbelievable accomplishment by such a ragtag group of fucking dumb pieces of shit.
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INT. CAFE
A handful of PATRONS sit at various TABLES drinking COFFEE and eating BUNDT CAKE(?).
One patron in particular is named KATE and she has great BOOBS. Like, probably perfect boobs. I mean they’re covered by a SHIRT and probably some kind of BRA, but you can just tell. They gotta be awesome. It just makes you think about the handful of lucky DUDES that have gotten to look at them and squeeze them, ya know? They’re so cool.
STACY enters and her BOOBS are just average but whatever who cares look at Kate.
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EXT. NEW YORK CITY
The streets are full of PEOPLE walking to and from places. Most of them without a care in the world. Little do they know, the STATUE OF LIBERTY is about to blow up.
Suddenly, the Statue of Liberty blows up.
INT. HEADQUARTERS - CONTINUOUS
DR. JERMAINE looks out the window at the Statue of Liberty blowing up.
DR. JERMAINE
They’re here.
ALIENS.
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INT. STARBUCKS
AMY (29, beautiful even at work) walks behind the register with a clipboard taking notes and checking in on her EMPLOYEES. She looks happy and, honestly, I’m happy for her. Things are going well for her these days. She’s been promoted, she started painting again, and she hasn’t had to hear my “incessant clicking” for over a year now so congratufuckinglations GOOD FOR YOU I’M GLAD YOU GOT EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANTED!!!
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INT. BREAK ROOM
A small group of EMPLOYEES are on their lunch break. They eat in silence. Probably because they’re miserable and they hate their lives.
EVAN enters and he looks especially miserable. He’s wearing a SUIT that is way too big for him and his hair is all wrong and he has a stupid GOATEE on his chin. He’s only 32, but his eyes make him look 52, and you can just tell he’s so lonely.
THE BOSS enters.
THE BOSS
Oh h
ey, Evan, you’re fired.
EVAN
Cool. No problem.
Evan exits.
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INT. LIVING ROOM
I enter, clearly beat from a long day at the office. I flop onto the COUCH and let out a long, deep sigh.
Then my beautiful wife YASMINE BLEETH enters wearing nothing but an APRON and I’m all like, “schwing!” (I get a boner.)
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INT. CENTRAL PERK
The GANG enters and takes their usual seats. They sit in somber silence as they’ve just come from JOEY’S FUNERAL.
GUNTHER walks over to take their orders.
GUNTHER
Hey, where’s Joey?
ROSS
Gunther, you’re a real fuckin’ piece of shit, you know that?
GUNTHER
Yeah...
Gunther hangs his head and walks away.
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INT. LOCKER ROOM
THE BRIDGEFIELD FIGHTING MEXICANS sit quietly on some BENCHES. They’re minutes away from the biggest basketball game of their gosh darn lives.
COACH enters. Everyone sits up straight. For a few moments he just stares at them individually. I’d say like two to three moments per player. Then he starts talking sternly (as coaches typically do, think typical coach style).
COACH
Listen up, men. In a few minutes you’re gonna go out there and you’re gonna play in the biggest basketball game of your gosh darn lives. Now, there’s two ways this could go. One—you leave your heart and soul and blood and tears out there on that court and go home winners and champions. Or two—you act like a bunch of fartin’ butt heads and play like dummies and lose and go home losers. Now, you have the ability to pull this off, I know you do. But you gotta make a choice, right here, right now. Do you wanna go out there and leave your heart and soul and blood and tears on the court and go home winners and champions? Or do you wanna act like a bunch of fartin’ butt heads and play like dummies and lose and go home losers?
(beat)
What’s it gonna be?
BILLY
Sorry, what? I wasn’t listening.
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INT. BAR
A bunch of GUYS and GIRLS stand around screaming at each other and drinking SHITTY BEER.
The walls are decorated with really funny personalized LICENSE PLATES, like “BUTTMAN” and “BOOBGUY.” And there are all kinds of sports playing on the bar’s fifty-seven TVs.
KEN GRIFFEY JR. enters.
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INT. BEDROOM
ROY and THERESA burst through the door and they are just going at it. They have their MOUTHS open really wide and they’re touching TONGUES while they rip off each other’s CLOTHES and it is hot.
Then Theresa reaches down Roy’s PANTS and she makes the face like, “whoa!” because she’s pleasantly surprised by how big his WIENER is. Roy’s just like, “Yeah, I know.”
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INT. OFFICE
BRAD and KEVIN are hanging out in the CONFERENCE ROOM just goofing off like idiots. They’re drinking all the COCA-COLA that is supposed to be for CLIENTS and paying no attention whatsoever to their actual work.
Suddenly a PTERODACTYL shows up at the WINDOW and breaks through the GLASS and grabs them and just immediately drops them to their horrific DEATHS.
NOTE: This movie will require dinosaurs.
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INT. DEPARTMENT STORE
WENDY and ANDREA are browsing the Women’s Section at their favorite department store while having a discussion about their boyfriends.
WENDY
Oh my god, my boyfriend is such a lazy slob! What about yours?
ANDREA
Oh yeah, such a slob. And! A jerk.
WENDY
Ugh, boyfriends...
Then they get FROYO.
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EXT. ROAD
FRED is driving down the road in his 1997 NISSAN ALTIMA and he is wearing SHADES.
Then, out of nowhere, a STRANGE MAN runs across the road and Fred has to swerve to avoid hitting him. But in doing so he hits a 1984 FORD F-150 head on. Then the F-150 is rear-ended by a 2009 TOYOTA PRIUS which is then rear-ended by a 2003 TOYOTA CAMRY which is then rear-ended by a 1995 ISUZU RODEO which is then rear-ended by a 2004 SUBARU BAJA which is then rear-ended by a 1992 CHEVY SUBURBAN which is then rear-ended by a 2003 HONDA ACCORD which is then rear-ended by a MOTORCYCLE, causing the driver to fly over the Accord and hit the back of the Suburban and then all the cars catch on fire and EXPLODE. Killing most, if not all, of the drivers.
Fred vows to find the Strange Man and exact his revenge.
NOTE: Yes, it HAS to be those exact cars.
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EXT. MOUNT ESTERIOUS
TRIBERION, weary and beaten, finally reaches the peak of MOUNT ESTERIOUS. The first human to ever do so. He uses his remaining strength to rise to his feet and lets out the CRY OF THE GODS, then quickly falls to his knees, exhausted.
After a few moments, the CLOUDS begin to part and the SUN shines down on him. He puts his hand up to block its harmful rays from his BEAUTIFUL FACE. Then, suddenly—
THE VOICE OF HARFLON, GOD OF TRUTH
Oh my god, what?! I’m busy.
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EXT. MAJOR CITY
A violent storm is brewing. CITIZENS look up in fear.
INT. HEAVEN - CONTINUOUS
GOD is drunk and listening to Dashboard Confessional again.
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EXT. MY MANSION - THE FUTURE
I’m sitting in my ROCKING CHAIR on the front porch of my mansion drinking LEMONADE, looking amazing for my age and being rich as fuck.
AMY (47, hasn’t aged well at all) walks up. She’s desperate and broke and lonely and wants me to take her back after all these years now that I’m rich and successful. But I don’t even recognize her. And even if I did, she looks super-gross now, so I wouldn’t even be interested.
Then I have SECURITY escort her off the premises and I go back to enjoying my amazing life.
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INT. POOL HALL
Some BAD BOYS (five) are shooting POOL and smoking CIGARETTES. They’re all wearing WHITE T-SHIRTS and BLUE JEANS and they all have BAD ATTITUDES.
BAD BOY #1
Hey, what do you guys think about rules?
THE REST OF THE BAD BOYS
Ugh!/Hate ’em!/They’re not for me.
BAD BOY #1
Yeah, me too!
Then they all comb their HAIR and start singing “Rules Are for Fools.”
Oh, this is a musical, by the way.
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EXT. THE SURFACE OF MARS
ROBERTS and KELLY are out on their daily perimeter check. Suddenly, Roberts notices something moving on the horizon.
ROBERTS
Whoa. Did you see that?
KELLY
See what?
Suddenly a GIANT MONSTER THING shows up and rips Kelly’s HEAD right off his BODY.
ROBERTS
Oh, it was a giant monster thi—.
Then the Giant Monster Thing removes Roberts’s HEAD as well.
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INT. SUBWAY
The subway is full of PEOPLE of all different shapes and sizes and colors and smells.
SUZY enters and she looks really nice. Like, she seems like a person you could really trust, you know? She’s not like, drop-dead gorgeous, but she’s definitely not unattractive either. She’s just an attractive woman that I could totally see myself marrying someday and she has welcoming EYES.<
br />
Then a HOMELESS MAN throws up everywhere.
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INT. LIVING ROOM
ROGER and SUSAN are enjoying a quiet night in with a good movie and a BOWL OF POPCORN.
Suddenly three MEN IN BLACK (not like Men in Black, just guys wearing black) burst in the door and point their GUNS at Roger and Amy demanding all of their valuables. But Roger is a real man and he wouldn’t let anything happen to his woman. So he throws the popcorn in their faces and takes all of their guns in one motion. The Men in Black are so surprised and scared they run away like little sissy children.
SUSAN
My god, you’re incredible.
ROGER
No doy.
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EXT. STREET
ROSCOE and JACKSON are casually walking down the street drinking COFFEE and eating DOUGHNUTS. They’re laughing and smiling because they’re not only partners, they’re pals.
BOOM! The bank they’re walking past explodes, sending Roscoe and Jackson into the street and a bunch of MONEY into the air. Nearby CITIZENS begin frantically grasping at the money, but Roscoe and Jackson just look at each other. They already know...
ROSCOE JACKSON
Alligator Pete... Alligator Pete...
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EXT. OLD WEST TOWN
Various TOWNSFOLK are doing Old West stuff like riding horses, sweeping porches, and being really, really depressed.
Just then DANGEROUS DAVE rides into town. He looks super-cool. His hair, his clothes, everything. But he’s the bad guy. So [HERO’S NAME] is probably gonna kill him in the end. It’ll be a good movie though, trust me.