by C. W. Neill
ME
Now, there are some nude scenes. Are you comfortable with that?
JENNIFER ANISTON
(coyly)
What do you think?
Then Jennifer Aniston takes off her SHIRT, and her BOOBS look so awesome I’m just like, “whoa.”
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INT. LIVING ROOM
A YOUNG BOY sits on the COUCH watching a baseball game, but he looks confused. Probably because he’s never met his real dad, so there’s no male role model in his life to explain how baseball works. If he understood irony, he’d probably say something like:
YOUNG BOY
Thanks, Dad.
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EXT. A PERFECT WORLD
YASMINE BLEETH actually returns my calls.
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INT. CHURCH
There is a small group of PEOPLE in the church attending a FUNERAL. One of the People is TROY CARTER, who sits in the front row because the funeral is for his dead wife Melissa.
Suddenly the doors fly open and everyone turns around. For a few seconds there’s nothing but sunlight coming through the doors and everyone’s confused. Then all of sudden: DOVES. A bunch of ‘em. And right behind them? MCMAHON (the bad guy)!
TROY
Everybody DOWN!
Troy pushes an OLD LADY to the ground and runs up to his wife’s COFFIN as McMahon tries to shoot him. Troy dives over the coffin, knocking it over in the process. And guess what falls out of it? Nope, not his dead wife Melissa, but a bunch of GUNS. Also a few DOVES. Troy knew McMahon would try to hit him at his wife’s funeral, where he’s most vulnerable! He grabs his matching GOLD PISTOLS and starts shooting at McMahon, who didn’t expect Troy to have those guns in the coffin, so he has to duck behind a DIFFERENT OLD LADY, who gets shot and dies.
MCMAHON
(shouting)
Whoa, look who’s learning! Very good, Carter!
TROY
(also shouting)
Thank you!
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INT. OFFICE
DEBORAH is up to her jugs in PAPERWORK.
PHIL approaches with a DOUGHNUT in each hand.
Deborah has this look on her face like, “Oh man, I want one of those.” But Phil’s got this look on his face like, “Nope.”
DEBORAH
Suck my dick, Phil.
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INT. STARBUCKS
I’m sitting at a TABLE trying to write my screenplay, and let’s just say, “I should have gone to business school.”
A MAN enters and he has a STUPID HAIRCUT. So I stare at him for a while.
Then I grow old and die.
THE END.
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INT. RESTAURANT
It’s your average restaurant on your average day. Complete with some average PEOPLE enjoying some average FOOD and drinking some very average COFFEE.
JASON STATHAM’S CHARACTER enters with a BABY under his arm.
WAITRESS
Hi! Just the two of you?
Then he pulls out a GUN and points it at her.
JASON STATHAM’S CHARACTER
(super-cool)
Better make it three.
WOLVERINE enters dramatically.
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EXT. BEACH - AFTERNOON
It’s a beautiful day at the beach. Everyone is having a really great time throwing FRISBEES, dancing to radio hits, and swimming in the cool waters of the OCEAN.
All the BABES have great BUTTS and BOOBS, and all the DUDES have well-defined MUSCLES.
Little do they know, they’re about to get attacked to death by the SHARK PEOPLE.
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EXT. MY BUTT
A FART exits.
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EXT. STREET - NIGHT
It’s raining. Heck, it’s pouring. And honestly, somewhere in the world, an old man is snoring. Let’s not kid ourselves.
TODD stands on the corner just gettin’ drenched ’cause he doesn’t have an umbrella. He’s one of those “idiots” everyone keeps talking about.
Finally the BUS arrives and the door opens.
BUS DRIVER
Sorry, no idiots allowed.
TODD
Cool. I get it.
The bus drives away.
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EXT. BASKETBALL COURT
Four PALS are casually shooting HOOPS. You can tell they’re pals because they’re laughing and smiling and they’re really sharing the BALL well.
PAL #1
So what do guys usually talk about when they shoot hoops together?
PAL #2
I don’t know, their wives?
PAL #3
Yeah. Or sex, probably. Right?
PAL #2
Oh yeah, sure. Sex.
PAL #1
OK, OK...
(beat)
So... do you guys have sex with your wives?
REMINDER: Make friends.
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INT. SCIENCE LAB
WILLIAM is hard at work on a FORMULA (the liquid variety). He looks terrible, and he’s clearly been at it all night. He combines a PURPLE LIQUID with a GREEN LIQUID and it makes a BROWN LIQUID(?). Then he holds that LIQUID real close to his FACE and smiles a very devious smile.
WILLIAM
I’ve done it...
(beat)
Liquid cancer.
Oh yeah, he’s an evil scientist, by the way.
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INT. MY OFFICE
I’m hard at work on my next BOX OFFICE HIT.
My assistant MAGGIE enters.
MAGGIE
Tom Cruise here to see you, sir.
ME
Ugh. Tell him I’m out.
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EXT. COFFEE SHOP
It’s a beautiful afternoon, and LAURA and STEVE are enjoying two separate CUPS OF COFFEE while also reminiscing about the good ole days when they were SCIENTISTS together in a LAB.
LAURA
It’s so nice to catch up like this!
STEVE
Yes, I agree. I just wish Joe was here with us...
LAURA
I miss him too. But he made his choice and he’s a super-villain now. There’s nothing we can do about it.
STEVE
What if I told you there was something we could do about it...
Then Steve pulls out the GEM OF DESTINY, and Laura gets this look on her face like, “omg you didn’t.”
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EXT. FRONT YARD
JOHN is having a catch with his son, DANNY (9). So, basically, John throws the ball, a baseball, to Danny. Sometimes he catches it, sometimes he doesn’t. Either way, eventually Danny has the ball and he throws it back to John, his dad. Then they just kinda do that back and forth for a while until Danny’s like:
DANNY
Dad, can we stop?
JOHN
(taunting)
“Dad, can we stop?” Fuck you, throw the ball.
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EXT. VENICE CANALS
Two really cool BOATS speed through the canals side by side, barely avoiding other boats full of ITALIANS.
One of the boats is being driven by MR. BROWN, while the other one is full of INTERNATIONAL CRIMINALS (three). The Criminals keep trying to pull close to Mr. Brown’s boat so one of them can jump onto it and beat him up, but they keep having to avoid some of the other boats I mentioned earlier.
Mr. Brown knows he’s outnumbered, but he has an idea. He waits for them to
try to get close again, and then he rams into them really hard, sending all three Criminals flying out of the boat and into a wall that smashes their heads in, causing instant death.
Mr. Brown smiles.
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EXT. A PERFECT WORLD
I didn’t get that BONER during PE in seventh grade.
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EXT. BASKETBALL COURT
Four PALS are casually shooting HOOPS. You can tell they’re pals because they’re laughing and smiling and they’re really sharing the BALL well.
PAL #1
Hey, guys, conversation?
PAL #2
Uh... conversation?
PAL #1
Well, I mean... conversation.
PAL #2
Oh, conversation.
PAL #1
Yeah.
PAL #3
Well I mean, in my opinion, conversation.
PAL #1
Oh, OK. I see your point.
REMINDER: Seriously, gotta make those friends.
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EXT. MY MANSION
It’s like the biggest HOUSE you’ve ever seen, and I paid for it with all the MONEY I made from my numerous HIT FILMS. I’m sitting on the porch enjoying a COLD ONE and looking off in the distance, completely content in life.
Then my close personal friend JASON STATHAM pulls up in a really cool CAR. He’s wearing an awesome LEATHER JACKET, and we are just so happy to see each other ’cause we’re best friends and we both have great MUSCLES.
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INT. MOVIE THEATER
KEVIN and PATRICIA are on their third date, and they’re watching a ROMANTIC COMEDY. They’re snuggled up to each other and sharing a BUCKET of POPCORN and it’s super-cute and Kevin can kind of see down her shirt and he likes what he sees.
Then something funny happens in the movie and Kevin laughs at it, but it’s a really weird laugh, so Patricia makes this face like, “Eh, I don’t think this is gonna work out.”
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INT. SECRET HIDEOUT
All the MUTANTS are just kinda hanging out, killing time, “chilling,” if you will.
Suddenly MAGNETO enters dramatically. Everybody stops what they’re doing and turns and looks at him. ’Cause it’s Magneto, ya know? Magneto shows up, you drop what you’re doing. Case closed. That’s like rule number one of being a Bad Mutant. He looks around for a moment and finds two METAL PIPES on the ground. Then he picks them up with his mind and bends them into a 6 and a 9.
MAGNETO
Sixty-nine.
ALL THE MUTANTS
Yes./Dude, tight!/See that’s why I’m not an X-Man, right there.
Magneto has the best goofs. Hands down.
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EXT. TALL BUILDING
A bunch of BAD GUYS are on the sixth floor shooting their GUNS at some COPS on the ground that are hiding behind their COP CARS and are very scared.
The CHIEF OF POLICE grabs the MEGAPHONE and tries to say something to the Bad Guys, but it doesn’t work. He tries again, nothing. He tries a couple more times, but still can’t figure it out. Then he gets shot and dies.
All the other Cops are like, “Wanna get outta here?”
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INT. GUNTHER’S APARTMENT
GUNTHER is sitting in a CHAIR.
ROSS, CHANDLER, JOEY, RACHEL, MONICA, and PHOEBE do not enter. Probably because they’re busy doing literally anything else.
GUNTHER
I wish I had...
(straight to camera)
Friends.
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INT. LOS ANGELES INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT
The airport is full of TRAVELERS either coming or going.
All of a sudden you see ME, like, WHOOSH! I’m running through the terminal as fast as I can. I’m bobbin’ and weavin’ and jumpin’ over trash cans and my HAIR looks great. Nothin’s gonna slow me down. Then, finally, I make it: TERMINAL 78.
I run to the window just as the plane is starting to pull away. I quickly scan the windows until... there she is, AMY. She looks over and actually sees me! Unbelievable. I put my hand on the glass; she does the same. We make eye contact one last time, then... I click a red button on a DETONATOR and the plane EXPLODES ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Oops... (jk)
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INT. A HALL (LIKE A BANQUET HALL, NOT A HALLWAY)
MATTHEW stands at a PODIUM in front of a panel of OLD STIFFS.
MATTHEW
Ladies and gentlemen, I stand before you today humbled. One might say I’ve been served a rather healthy slice of humble pie. With some whipped cream on top and a cold glass of milk to wash it down. Heck, I ate it up so fast I even went back for seconds! I mean, if no one else is gonna eat it, I sure will! I’ve never been one to let pie go to waste, and I’m not about to start just because it’s a metaphor for my failures as a man and as a student at this fine institution. But in my shame I believe I have learned the most valuable lesson I could possibly learn. What lesson is that? I’ll tell you. College... is important. College is a place to grow as a person. A place to develop the kind of professional, but more importantly life, skills that you will need to survive and find happiness in this world. And despite the fact that our actions while at the Kappa Kappa Gamma house have led to my expulsion and the deaths of thirty-seven of my fellow students, I believe I have finally gained those very skills. I believe I finally know how to find happiness.
OLD STIFF #1
And how is that, Mr. Olson?
MATTHEW
Well, sir, if it’s all the same to you... I’m gonna make some pie.
Matthew exits to a standing ovation.
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INT. BRITNEY’S APARTMENT
It’s a girl’s apartment, so there’s GIRL STUFF everywhere. Including but not limited to: FLOWERS, FRAMED PICTURES of COFFEE BEANS, a bunch of FRENCH WORDS, and of course, a PICTURE COLLAGE of all of her UGLY FRIENDS.
BRITNEY enters... and gets her period? I don’t know.
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INT. SOME KINDA SUPER-SECRET GOVERNMENT BUILDING OR SOMETHING
A bunch of SCIENTISTS stand around mixing STUFF and looking at THINGS.
PRESIDENT DAKOTA FANNING enters.
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EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS
It’s a very old campus. All the BUILDINGS are small, and they are made of BRICK because it’s a very old campus.
Various CO-EDS walk up and down the sidewalk, most likely on their way to class. Except for six young FRAT GUYS, who are on a streak. We know this because we can see their PENISES and BUTTS.
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INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY
EVERY SINGLE GIRL is way too confident. All of the BOYS are getting uncontrollable boners.
DARREN enters wearing a STUPID HAT.
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INT. MY BEDROOM - AFTERNOON
I’m taking another one of my trademark NAPS. And let me tell ya what, it is going great.
EXT. THE REST OF THE WORLD - CONTINUOUS
Other ADULTS my age are leading successful and fulfilling lives.
CONCLUSION
So there you have it! That’s the end of the book. Those were all of my best ideas. Pretty good, right? I could totally come up with a bunch more too. Like, at least a hundred. So if you happen to be some kind of Hollywood executive or big-time movie producer, just email your proposals to [email protected]. And be sure to include how many millions you’re offering. Twenty would be perfect.
Thanks,
C. W.
; C. W. Neill, This Movie Will Require Dinosaurs