by Shelly Davis
“I don’t think so, Jen. I’m sorry. I’m just not feelin’ it tonight.”
Her humor transformed to confusion. “Feeling what?”
“Feelin’ like partyin’. I’m just not into it tonight. I ain’t goin’ home with some stranger.”
“I’m not talking about some deep and meaningful experience, Mia.” A loud huff escaped her throat. Her eyes narrowed and a flush burned her pale skin, her frustration was written all over her face. She obviously didn’t understand why I refused to relax and party. “I’m talking about sex. Just sex, nothing more. There’s no love here. Who the hell wants love anyway? Besides, sure as hell looks like Grant was out doing the same thing last night.” Without another word, Jen went back onto the dance floor with her two men. Who the hell wants love anyway? Have I ever even been in love?
A memory entered my mind, unbidden. Shaggy sandy-blond hair, cobalt blue eyes, and the body of which a Greek god would be envious … Jake Hanson. The way he looked the night we made love. His tan skin glistening with sweat against my darker skin, the way our bodies moved together, the way we looked intertwined as one. I was in love with Jake in high school. He was sweet, kind, and perfect. But I destroyed any chance I could’ve had a long time ago. He didn’t want anything to do with me after the horrible day I’d walked away from him.
Mia- About Seven Years Ago
I walked down the hall to where the rest of the cheerleaders stood and laughed. The halls were full of football players, cheerleaders, and other kids all dressed in the bright red and black of our school colors. It was the start of school spirit week, leading up to Friday’s big homecoming game. So far this season, the football team was undefeated, and this Friday’s game was going to be their first true test of the season. Everyone was high on school spirit, getting ready for the big game.
Today, I should be walking on air. I should be happy in love and excited for what was to come. Instead I felt cold inside.
The hall was cluttered with students loitering at their lockers and talking to friends. Jake stood at his open locker with his brother Cade. The two seemed to be involved in a serious conversation judging by Jake’s rigid posture and Cade’s narrowed eyes and annoyed frown. They were huge, a good head taller than most of the other guys in school. Their height along with a muscular frames, and handsome features made them the object of many girls’ attention.
Every part of me wanted to go to Jake and wrap my arms around him. I wanted every girl to know he was mine and mine alone. But I couldn’t.
The moment I approached my locker, I was assaulted by squealing and gossiping from several girls on the cheer squad. Sometimes I hated being associated with these girls. Their condescending and spiteful attitudes were difficult to deal with. They weren’t above creating rumors just to destroy reputations and get what they wanted. Hell they often did it just for fun. They managed to make life hell for anyone who crossed them.
There were only three girls in the entire school these catty girls avoided at all cost. These three girls couldn’t care less about what anyone said about them, and their confidence intimidated even the venomous cheer squad. One of those girls was my best friend, Toni Rizzo, the best mechanic in our school and best friend to Jake and Cade Hanson. Another was Arian Jackson, a six-foot tall female basketball player who could out dunk and out play half the boys’ team. And the last was Nina George, a powerful girl who’d found her niche as a badass when she beat the hell out of one of the biggest guys on the wrestling team after he tried to grope her at a bonfire.
I probably would’ve been a prime target if I weren’t on the team. My darker skin and big curly hair was different than anyone else in our predominantly white school. Until I joined the squad, I’d faced my share of bullying. They only stopped because they needed me. My gymnastics skills and the fact that I was small enough to be a flier made me an asset for the competitive team.
“Did you see them this morning? My gawd, they are so hawt. It’s like a gift to girls that there are two of ‘em,” Ginger, one of the captains, said. I hated her horrible back country accent. Most of us had some kind of southern dialect, but hers was straight out of the mountains.
I felt sick standing there and listening to them talk about Jake and Cade as though they were livestock. My heart sank. If these girls were interested in them, there was no way I’d ever be able to keep Jake as my own. Why would he ever want me if he could have one of these gorgeous, tall, and sexy girls? How could I possibly compete with them? He’d said he loved me, but really, it was right after we had sex. Did he mean it or was he just trying to make me feel good? I had more questions than answers. My imagination ran wild. Did he love me? Maybe he loved me, but maybe I was just the girl who was there and willing to experiment with him.
I wanted to talk to him so badly yesterday, but life in my house was in complete disarray. My parents came home in the middle of the night fighting, their couple’s retreat weekend to fix their marriage came to an abrupt end. During a counseling session, my father admitted he didn’t love my mother anymore and told her he was having an affair. In a matter of hours my world was turned upside-down. My father packed his things and left. While my mother, devastated by the news, had locked herself in the spare room. It seemed the last few years of their marriage was nothing but a lie. My father turned out to be the biggest liar I’d ever met.
How could I leave my mom, knowing how devastated she must have felt? How could I be happy and in love when my parents’ love had fallen apart? I believed their love was unbreakable. If my father feigned love for a woman he’d been married to for twenty years, could I trust Jake’s true feelings for me? I had no idea where things stood with Jake. Part of me wasn’t sure I wanted to know.
“Hell yeah, I saw them. I swear somethin’ changed ‘bout Jake. I mean damn, he’s walkin’ around with more attitude than normal. He was already hot as hell, but holy hell, he’s hotter now.” Tina, another captain, said.
“Yeah, I’d love a piece of that,” Ginger cried.
“I heard Jake has a girlfriend,” I interjected, making the entire group turn and stare at me like I said I saw an alien in the parking lot. I wanted to scream, he loved me.
“Who?” Ginger demanded.
“I’d like to know, ‘cause there ain’t no way she’s gonna keep ‘em,” Tina insisted.
“Hell yeah,” Ginger agreed. “Ain’t no damn way someone’s gettin’ in there unless it’s me. I’ll wreck her.”
I couldn’t go up against these girls, they were capable of destroying my entire life. And as soon as Jake realized he could have any of them, would he even want me?
“I don’t know. It was just somethin’ I heard,” I said meekly.
I glanced over at the brothers, talking. Jake looked relaxed but annoyed. The muscles in his back were bunched and constricted, like he was ready to strike out at someone. I could always tell his mood just by looking at him. He looked like he had something on his mind, but didn’t seem to be telling Cade anything.
Out of nowhere, my body slammed into the lockers behind me. The rest of the squad giggled like nothing happened. My head smacked off of the locker behind me, causing me to be disoriented for just a moment. I strained my head up in spite of the pain as my eyes snapped to my assaulter’s face. Gary.
Gary Miller was a soccer player who thought he could do and have whoever he wanted. Assertive and arrogant, he never took no for an answer. There were lots of rumors about him and what he did to a couple girls, but no one knew for sure. Those girls usually either ended up moving schools or they just never talked to anyone. But the rumors always surrounded him. Now it seemed Gary’s sights were set on me. He pressed himself into me, his groin pressed into my stomach, I could feel the start of his erection against me. How could he already be turned on? His hot breath washed over the side of my face, making me gag. He breathed into my ear and I cringed, completely sickened by him.
I struggled to get away, kicking at his shin and pushing hard to get him away
from me. “Get off me,” I snapped, my voice low. I didn’t want to cause a scene, but I needed him off of me, now.
“Hey my little piece of milk chocolate, be nice. I just wanna be real nice to you. How ‘bout we talk about what we’re doin’ tonight. I think it’s high time we get to know each other better.”
Gary’s wet tongue traced the outline of my ear, causing my stomach to roil. Bile churned in my gut and anger boiled through me, ready to explode. I despised being compared to food; it was demeaning and condescending. I knew he acted the same with every girl to which he talked, but I hated it. His brash attitude and apparent attraction to me were unwanted, but I felt helpless to his forceful advances. I wiggled, and turned my body, struggling against his much larger size and tried to get away.
“Get off me,” I snarled louder, shoving at his chest and lifting my knee, hard into his groin. Staggering backward a step, Gary let out a loud grunt.
Shocked, I stood against the wall and stared unbelieving at what I’d just done. My body trembled and hot tears streamed from my eyes, but I wasn’t scared. I was furious.
Gary leaned over, one hand on his knee and the other grasping his crotch. He glared at me.
“You bitch,” Gary growled. “You’re gonna regret that.” His rough southern twang was strained, his face red and angry. But he didn’t come after me, he breathed in deep for a few moments, then stood. He moved his towering frame toward me, an evil smirk crossed his face. “You know you want it. Look at the way you dress and the way you move your body.” He made a small motion toward me, and I plastered my back to the wall. I tried to decide which way I should run. “Don’t fight it, baby. You know I’m gonna make you feel real good.”
Tears continued to come as I stared in disbelief. This asshole had just pinned me to a wall, and he was blaming me? I wasn’t dressed any different than any other cheerleader and I certainly didn’t walk around asking for assholes to pin me against walls.
A guttural growl erupted in the hall just before Gary was ripped away from me. I stood, stunned, staring across the hall as Jake slammed Gary into the lockers. He planted his fist into Gary’s gut just once, but Gary crumpled. Jake growled something I couldn’t hear, then backed off across the hall.
“Fuck you, Jake. The slut’s been askin’ for it for months,” Gary spat.
Jake was usually an even-tempered guy. With his size and his skills on a football field, there was no doubt he could defend himself if necessary, but he never had to. People in school respected his calm, carefree temperament, and his passionate determination on and off the field. He was fiercely loyal to his friends and those he loved.
The look that crossed Jake’s face, just before he let out another guttural sound was the only warning. Jake was airborne in an instant; he tackled Gary to the ground. The echo of grunts and flesh hitting flesh was all that could be heard in the suddenly silent hallway. No one seemed to know what to do or how to stop the onslaught. No one had ever seen Jake lose control.
It seemed like forever, but it was only moments before Cade ripped his brother from the bleeding boy who lay on the floor.
Gary stayed on the floor, a soft moan escaping his lips. He looked to be fine, but he wasn’t stupid enough to challenge Jake again. He laid there for a moment before he pulled himself up and leaned into the lockers for support. He stood still, breathing hard and staring at Jake.
“What’s going on here,” Principal Lloyd asked, pushing through the crowd. “Mr. Miller, what happened?”
Gary stood, unspeaking, and stared between Principal Lloyd, Jake, and myself. He seemed to be weighing his options. He had two options, he could tell Principal Lloyd what Jake did to him, but then Jake, Cade and I would have to speak about what triggered the attack. Or he could keep his mouth shut. He knew better than to tell. A sexual assault charge could get him kicked out of school and he’d lose his scholarship to play soccer in college.
“Nothin’ Mr. Lloyd. I just – I fell.”
Lloyd looked stunned, like he couldn’t believe something so stupid came out of Gary’s mouth.
“Mr. Hanson, is that true?”
Jake looked from the principal, to Gary, then to me. His eyes locked with mine and I silently begged him to not say anything. I didn’t want to deal with what would come with a sexual harassment charge. I just wanted to get the hell away from everyone, lock myself in my room, and not deal with it. It was always easier to just ignore the problem instead of dealing with the problem.
Jake narrowed his eyes, as if asking if I was sure. I shook my head subtly, pleading for his silence with my eyes.
Shaking his head, Jake looked pissed. “He fell, Mr. Lloyd,” he said. “He was talkin’ to Mia and tripped over her pompom.”
My stomach churned as Mr. Lloyd eyed me questioningly. I assumed Jake was going to avert the attention from me. I thought he’d do what I wanted and pretend nothing happened between Gary and me. How could he betray me?
Fidgeting under the scrutiny, I looked down to find my uniform was disheveled. I looked like I had just rolled out of bed … or like I had just been manhandled. I smoothed my hands down my skirt, adjusting it so it wasn’t twisted. Then I ran my fingers through my hair to make sure it wasn’t sticking out all over the place.
“Miss Slone, anything to add?” Mr. Lloyd stared at me questioningly. I shook my head no, but didn’t say anything, I couldn’t. Hurt and anger were beginning to rise in my chest. I narrowed my eyes, trying to show just how pissed I was. He could’ve said anything, why had he let Lloyd know I was somehow involved, I didn’t understand. Mr. Lloyd wasn’t stupid, he’d figure it out and then I’d have to deal with more questions. Didn’t Jake understand I didn’t want to deal with anything else?
How could he? I didn’t tell him anything.
“Get to class,” Mr. Lloyd huffed as he turned to look at the rest of the group. He turned and stormed off, probably to go look at the security cameras to see if he could figure out exactly what had transpired. Now he knew I was somehow involved, he’d certainly try to get a clear shot of the incident. If Jake had just lied for me, maybe Mr. Lloyd would’ve just dropped it.
With the drama pretty much played out, the rest of our classmates made haste to their next classes. The halls cleared quickly, leaving Jake, Cade, Gary, and I alone.
Jake and Gary stood only a foot away from each other, glaring and looking like they were going to go at it again.
Jake stepped forward and stared down at Gary. “Stay the fuck away from Mia, you got me?”
Gary’s wicked smirk widened as he looked between Jake and me. “I’ll stay away from her, but I can’t guarantee she’ll stay away from me.”
What the hell was that supposed to mean? Did he think I’d ever want him? He was nothing but trouble and we all knew it. But Gary didn’t say another word, just turned on his heel and sauntered down the hall to his class. He didn’t seem to care that his shirt was ripped and there was blood on his face.
Jake walked across the hall toward me. He was much calmer as he looked at me with questions behind his blue eyes. Somewhere inside I knew I owed him an explanation for ignoring him all weekend. I also knew he didn’t deserve my wrath, not really. He was trying to help me. But I didn’t want help, I wanted to be pissed. I wanted to rage, and scream, and cry. I wanted to make someone else hurt like I hurt. I wanted to be pissed at the world. Somewhere deep inside I knew my anger wasn’t his fault. I was pissed at my parents, I was pissed at Gary, but Jake didn’t do anything wrong. Not really. But I didn’t care about what I knew deep inside. I just wanted to be pissed at him. I wanted to be angry that he couldn’t just cover for me. If he truly loved me, he would’ve kept me out of it. He couldn’t possibly love me like he said he did. There was no way.
“Are you okay?” Jake asked quietly, approaching me slowly.
“I’m fine, Jake.” My tone was short and my annoyance was evident in my tone. “Why couldn’t you just tell Lloyd nothin’ happened? Why did you have to tell him I was inv
olved? Why the hell couldn’t you just leave me out of it?”
Shocked by my irritation, Jake stared at me, moving back a step or two. His expression changed from hurt, to frustration, to resentment, then to sadness. He didn’t understand what my problem was. How could he?
When Jake finally found his voice, I could feel his hurt and anger through his tone.
“Why the hell would you just let that asshole touch you and get away with it? He was gonna hurt you or worse.” He paused for a moment and stared at me. He let down his guard just a bit and I felt the full volume of his melancholy through his reddened cobalt eyes. “Look, I know you can take care of yourself, I was just tryin’ to help. After all …”
I wanted to hug him and get lost in his love, but I knew it wasn’t real. There’s no such thing as love. His declaration of love was just the byproduct of our having sex. There was no way in hell I was letting him think he owned me just because we had sex.
“We had sex, Jake. It didn’t mean anything.”
His eyes widened and he stared at me in disbelief. When a lone tear escaped the corner of his eye, my heart melted. I suddenly wondered if he did feel something for me. Could he love me? Could he have truly meant what he said? Was I wrong?
Without another word, Jake turned away from me, and never looked at me the same way again.
Present Day
I walked out onto the dance floor to a smiling Jen. “Yay, Mia. This is Ben and James,” she said, gesturing to the men surrounding her. “You coming to dance with us?”
I shook my head. “No, Jen. I’m gonna bolt. I need to get home.” Memories of Jake played in my head over and over while I talked to her. “I’m not feelin’ well. I’ll see you at work Monday.”
Jen looked annoyed, but she nodded. I just wasn’t like her. I could date and have sex, but I couldn’t just go out and let myself relax enough to meet someone. I envied her confidence. Maybe if I could just let it all go, I could finally find love instead of living in the past.