by Shelly Davis
Thinking about Mia from back then brought those old feelings to mind. I knew I loved her when we were kids. She was sweet and kind, loyal and fun. Where Toni was cautious and reserved, Mia was more outgoing. Mia once said they found a kindred spirit in one another. When Toni’s mother died, Mia stood by her side and helped her. The more time we spent together, the closer we all became, but for me it turned in to more. By the time I was twelve, I knew I loved her. I always knew.
“Are you two, together?” he asked. His head was still down, eyes focused on the papers he was filling out. He never looked up or made eye contact with me while he spoke, but the questions didn’t stop.
“No,” I said firmly. “She’s Toni’s friend.”
Gage looked skeptical. “And she’s not your friend?”
“We don’t talk much anymore.” I wasn’t sure what the third degree was about but I was getting pissed off. None of this was his business.
“Well as someone who doesn’t know you, let me say it’s obvious there was something between the two of you at some point and it isn’t over. For either of you.”
Fuck!!
Chapter Eight
Mia
It was hard being around Jake and never talking to him. Every day I went to the gym, and every single day my heart felt like it was shattering to pieces. Sometimes I worried those pieces would get so small, they’d never be able to be put back together.
We were friends once, before anything else, we were friends. We hung out together. He defended me when kids picked on me. And when my parents were going through couples counseling before everything fell apart, he was my rock. He kept me strong, he made me laugh, and he let me know I was loved. I never doubted Jake when we were kids. Never.
Then I had to screw it all up with my insecurities. He told me he loved me. He made love to me and I gave him everything that night. I’d never felt more loved than I did with Jake.
But then I woke up in the middle of the night to hear my mom crying in her bedroom and my dad had moved out. I later found out they came home from their couples retreat and he immediately left. My dad was having an affair and my mom learned about it at their retreat.
I focused on taking care of my mom as she crawled inside of herself in depression. It didn’t take her long to claw her way out and start living again, but by then it was too late. I ruined everything I could’ve had with Jake, so instead of trying to fix it I dated a series of guys who would turn out to be exactly like my father – lying, cheating jerks.
Years later, I was stuck with poor choices from a moment in time when I was sixteen years old. And I managed to continue making the same bad choices. I never learned and I worried I was doomed to never be happy.
I knew going to the gym every day and seeing Jake there was just torturing myself, but I couldn’t help it. Some part of me needed to be around him, even if it was just to remind myself what a good man looked like. Lord knew, I hadn’t had experience with a good man in quite some time.
“Hey,” Toni said, coming up behind me and getting my attention. Julius stood on the other side of the room, waiting for her. “Jules is stayin’ tonight, we have an early flight tomorrow. Is it okay with you?”
Shaking my head, I just scowled. She knew I didn’t care when he stayed, although it was nice of her to always ask. “Why don’t you put that man out of his misery and move in with him. You know it’s time, right?”
“It ain’t time. We haven’t been datin’ long enough yet. I’m not ready.” She was frustrated with my constant pushing for her to move in with him. I just didn’t want her to screw up like I did.
“Okay, I get it. It’s fine, you know he can stay whenever. Do you want me to go to Jenny’s tonight so you two can have the place to yourself?”
“No!” she said abruptly. “No, you don’t have to. I just wanted you to know he’d be home with me. I ain’t tryin’ to kick you outta your house. You know that, right?”
“I know. Don’t worry. It’s all good. But, we’re havin’ a girls night after next weekend. We haven’t had a girls’ night in a long time.”
Smiling, she said, “Sounds great. Maybe by then you’ll figure out how to talk to Jake. I’m sick of the tension.”
“There’s no tension. We barely even talk.”
“You come here every single day and workout for hours. I don’t even think Jake or Cade workout as much as you do. Then of course there’s the sadness in your eyes when he’s around. Mia, there’s so much tension it makes me uncomfortable. Weren’t you the one gettin’ on me when I was ignorin’ things with Jules? Didn’t you bitch at me for pushin’ him away? What’re you doin’ now?”
“The difference is, Julius wanted you. Jake doesn’t want me. Jake hasn’t wanted me for a very long time. I messed up, but I promise to try to at least apologize to him.”
Toni shook her head and sighed louder this time. “Okay, fine. Look, I love you, you’re my best friend. I just want you to be happy.” She paused and a look of worry crossed her face. “Just … be careful, okay?” She seemed like she had something more to say, but she stopped. Her voice trailed off with a loud exhalation. “I’m gonna go. We have an early flight. I’ll see you Monday.”
“Don’t worry about me. I’m fine, I promise.”
But was I fine? I spent time with a lying, cheating asshole who made me feel like shit and I tried to justify it. I tried to make Grant sound like he was a good guy, when I knew damn well he wasn’t. But I didn’t have to try with him because I didn’t actually give a shit. There was no threat to my heart. Not like there was with Jake. He could cripple me just by ignoring me.
A few moments later, Jake and Gage walked out of the back room talking. They seemed to have hit it off immediately, but that was Jake. Jake could get along with most anyone, well except for me.
The duo walked to the front door. They were so different on the surface; one African American, one Caucasian. One with short black hair, the other with shaggy blond hair. Jake was tall, six feet four inches tall, with long lean but deeply defined muscles. Gage was a little shorter, six feet at most, with big bulging muscles. But that was where the differences ended. They had similar easy-going personalities, similar no nonsense attitudes, and based on what I saw at school, Gage had a similar work ethic as Jake. They would probably become fast friends.
“Bye Mia! See you at school tomorrow! We’ll play dodge ball in the afternoon with your kids.”
I smiled, thinking about how great he was with my students. Not everyone had the patience to work with students with special needs, but Gage was good at it. “Sounds great, Gage. See ya tomorrow.”
Jake watched the exchange closely but didn’t say anything. Gage turned toward Jake, shook his hand and walked out the door. Jake didn’t move for a few long moments. He turned and looked at me. His bright blue jean eyes captured me in their grasp, rendering me unable to move, unable to breathe. He just stood there, staring at me before he turned and walked down the hall toward his office and the private gym area.
Instead of leaving like I should have, I went back to the elliptical and pushed myself until I could barely move anymore. Unfortunately, I didn’t see Jake again.
***
“Who’s the hottie at the bar?” Jen asked from our place on the dance floor. We’d only been at Viva Lounge for about half hour, so she was still scoping out the men who were around to decide who she was taking home. This was her way. Force me to go out way too early, stand in the middle of the dance floor shaking everything her momma gave her all while scoping the place out for her nightly conquest. She should’ve been born a man, because she was just as assertive.
“Where?” I asked, looking around, trying to follow her gaze toward the bar area. The place wasn’t packed yet, so the view through the small crowd was barely obstructed. In about an hour, this place would be crammed and Jen would probably have several men vying for her attention. I would also, but there was only one man who frequented this club that I was interested in seeing, not
that he wanted to see me.
“The blonde hottie with the tight ass body and more muscles than I’ve ever seen in real life,” she said pointing toward the end of the bar. When I saw where she was pointing, my stomach turned and my heart sank. I knew this body better than anyone. I’d been spending every single day watching him, soaking in everything about him from a distance for months now. It was Jake.
He stood at the end of the bar and talked to the bartender. There was a plethora of women standing around, trying to get Jake’s and the bartender’s attention, but both seemed oblivious. Tight dresses and more cleavage than I ever wanted to see were on display, but he wasn’t looking at any of them. He barely acknowledged anyone but the man with which he talked.
He’d gotten his hair cut since the last time I saw him. The shorter cut made him look different, sexier. The long hair was sexy, but it was also scraggly and in need of a trim. I didn’t think I’d ever seen him put so much effort into his looks. In my opinion, he didn’t need to.
“Mia, did you hear me? You’re staring over there like you know him or you want him. Do you know how he is?” Jen pushed.
I’d gotten so lost in how much the hair cut changed his look, I’d forgotten she’d said anything to me. God, I didn’t think I could stand by and watch if Jake was gonna to be Jen’s conquest for the evening.
I knew Jake didn’t have girlfriends, but I was also sure he didn’t go home alone if he didn’t want to. And judging by the way women looked at him, I figured he didn’t have to try hard to get the ones he wanted.
“Him?” I asked, pointing to where Jake stood. His smile lit up as he talked to the man standing behind the bar. His smile was always one of the things I loved most about him. It was so real. It showed the real Jake. The fun loving, easy going guy he used to be. I soaked in his relaxed posture and when he ran his fingers through the longer part of his hair, I wanted nothing more than to bury my fingers in the blonde locks. Long hair, short hair, he was still the sexiest man I knew.
“Yeah, him. Damn he’s gotta be the hottest damn thing I’ve seen in here in a long while.” Turning, Jen’s eyes landed on my face. She stood and stared at me for a long time, confusion flitting across her pale face. “What the hell’s wrong with you?”
Sighing, I nodded. “I know him. His name is Jake.” I knew she would recognize the name. I told her all about him once when I was drunk and feeling especially horrible about my sucky ass love life.
“Oh my god, not the Jake. The one you’ve been pining over since you were a kid? Damn girl, no wonder …”
I stopped her right there. I had to make her think I wasn’t into him anymore. Grant was coming tonight. I’d made a choice to call him and let him back in. “Not pinin’. That ship sailed a while ago.”
Brow furrowed, she studied me with her unnerving pale blue eyes. They were so light blue they had an unnatural look to them and in the dark club lighting, the pupil was so large, the blue had all but disappeared. “Honey, if I could have him,” she said gesturing toward Jake, “I wouldn’t think of any other man.” She paused and seemed to gauge my reaction. When I didn’t say more she just smiled.
“Well, I can’t, so your scenario is irrelevant. He doesn’t want me. He doesn’t even like me. And … I think I’m gonna give Grant a chance. I don’t wanna drop him for someone who’ll never want me.”
Jen spoke up again and her words made my stomach turn. “So you wouldn’t mind if I went over there and asked him to dance?” She looked like she expected me to argue, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t suddenly decide to fight for a man who didn’t want me, could I? I just had to try to be happy with what I had and not long for what I couldn’t.
I steeled myself and tried to sound as convincing as possible. But my words and my tone sounded weak, even to my own ears. “No, not at all. He’s single and you’re single. I don’t know if he dances, but you might spark his interest.” That was a lie, I knew he danced. I knew he was an amazing dancer. I still dreamed of the night he pulled me away from Grant and for a moment in time, made me feel like the only woman he ever saw. The memory kept me going most days.
She studied me for a few more moments before a huge sheepish grin crossed her face. “Good, because I’m going. He looks like he’d be a damn good lay. Lots of stamina in those muscles.” Jen adjusted her top to show more of her ample cleavage and hiked up her skirt until it barely covered her ass before she strode across the dance floor. She pushed past all of the other women who tried to get Jake’s attention and placed herself between Jake and the bartender. She saddled up next to him at the bar, leaning over to show everything she had.
I made my way over to our table, so I couldn’t see her well, but I was sure her huge breasts were probably spilling right out of the top of her shirt. Judging by the way the bartender looked at her, I knew I was right.
“Jen sure likes to let it all hang out, doesn’t she?” A shrill, nasally male voice startled me when it whispered into my ear. His voice wasn’t low and sultry like the one I dreamed about, it was more unpleasant and kind of annoying.
Can I be with a guy if I don’t like his voice?
Turning, I forced the best smile I could manage. “Hi,” I greeted.
Kissing me on my cheek, he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into his chest. “Hi. How are you?”
“I’m good,” I tried to be genuine. I wasn’t happy to see him. I was pissed he would just show up. I was pissed at myself for not telling Jen she shouldn’t go talk to Jake. But I couldn’t take my eyes off their display. She was so ostentatious, every man in their general vicinity couldn’t look away from her. But Jake. Jake barely paid attention to her. He smiled when she talked, but he wasn’t falling all over himself like some of the others sitting nearby. I pulled myself away from their display and focused on Grant. I tried to smile. “Just watchin’ Jen with her latest conquest.” Was that real enough? I hoped I seemed like I didn’t care.
“Jenny’ll be fine. Trust me. That guy doesn’t stand a chance. Hell, no man stands a chance when Jenny’s interested.”
So not what I wanted to hear. It was bad enough Jen was over there now talking to the man I wanted. Jake had turned his stool toward her. He started to scan her body as she talked, smiling at whatever quirky thing she had to say. Jen was good at this game and she played to win every time. Maybe Grant was right, maybe Jake didn’t stand a chance. I snapped around and looked at him.
“Please tell me you weren’t one of her conquests.”
He looked embarrassed. “Oh yeah, I was. It was back in college. She was persistent and she’s very beautiful. Besides, we were kind of friends.”
“Ugh,” I moaned, rolling my eyes and shaking my head. The dull thud of my head hitting the table could barely be heard over the boom of the base. I rocked my head back and forth on the table; I didn’t want to deal with this today.
He didn’t offer any apologies or excuses, he just stood there like it should’ve been obvious. “You didn’t think you were the only woman who wanted my attention, did you?” he asked.
The question both pissed me off and made me question why I still talked to him. He always made sure I knew I wasn’t the only woman in the world.
In one dance, Jake had made me feel like I was the only woman he ever saw, Grant made me feel like I was the last woman he’d ever look at. How could these two men make me feel so different?
Jen’s earsplitting laugh made my head snap up. It was a loud and over-the-top laugh she only used when she was trying to get attention. A glance toward the bar brought the vision of Jen getting closer and closer to Jake as they talked. He smiled and seemed interested in their conversation and Jen was definitely smitten with the handsome blonde man. My handsome blonde man. The notion leapt into my consciousness before I could stop it. Jake was definitely not mine, I had to stop that thinking.
“Let’s dance,” Grant said, taking my hand and pulling me up. He wasn’t giving me a choice.
I didn’t want to be there anym
ore and I definitely didn’t want to dance. I was annoyed when Jen and Jake seemed to have hit it off. It hurt knowing I couldn’t have him. How could I screw something up when I was too young to know what I was doing? How could I have known he was the one? I was too young. We were too young.
Grant stood straight, his five foot eight, slightly overweight frame towered over me. He was nerdy in a David Arquette sort of way. He obviously spent little time working out or doing any physical activity. Hell even when he came to the gym with me, he never seemed to exercise.
His eyes were a honey brown and his mousy hair was unkempt. He was different than the men I usually dated. But he acted like he was better than other people, he was condescending, rude and he tended to say things to make others angry. I was so focused on needing something different I just continued to deal with his shit. I can’t find one damn thing I like about Grant.
He practically dragged me to the dance floor, his longer legs not allowing me to keep up. I almost tripped and fell over other people twice until he stopped in the middle of the floor.
I had no reaction to his touch. I felt nothing when he was around, except for a deep feeling of loss and sadness. Definitely not what it was supposed to feel like. He wasn’t supposed to make me miserable, but every time I was with him, all I felt was misery.
Damn-it! I didn’t need an all-encompassing natural magnetism. I didn’t need attraction and excitement. I liked comfortable and calm. Who needed physical enticement? Who the hell am I kidding?
Maybe the spark wasn’t there now, but it could come. I just needed to put in more effort. Maybe it just took time. It didn’t take time with Jake, my thoughts practically screamed.
As I danced and tried to convince myself that I didn’t need attraction, my world just about crashed around me. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Jen and Jake take to the dance floor. Instantly Jen was wrapped around him. She was practically screwing him right in front of everyone.
Over the past fifteen minutes, the floor filled significantly. There were bodies bumping and grinding all over the place and Jen and Jake were front and center of it all. She was all over him, her ass rubbing and grinding into his groin. His hands held her hips, riding out her movements, but he didn’t explore. No doubt their explorations would continue somewhere else later. The thought made me sick. My stomach churned, bile rose in my throat. I needed to get the hell out of there. I couldn’t do this. I could ignore it if it wasn’t thrust in my face. But this … this was unacceptable. Impossible … Heartbreaking … Jenny had to know this would kill me. How couldn’t she know?