He left the house. Sometimes he just had to be outside. He hated the walls gathered all around him, the ceiling so low. He straightened, breathed deeply, collected himself.
He slipped into his scuffed, brown, leather jacket and pulled it tight. All he had was what he was wearing and what was in his car and the room he had just taken. He had never needed much in the way of possessions. You learn that, shunted from one institution to another: value anything and it's a weakness. Someone always exploits your weaknesses.
He crossed over Coastguards' Parade, glancing along at the Minesweepers' Memorial, a monument to the men who had kept the estuary and bay navigable during the wars. He had a great uncle on there somewhere but now he chose not to go and look for his name, as he had done so often as a boy.
Instead, he stood at the railings at the top of Cliff Gardens. Below him, grass and a few trees slid away towards the Promenade. Farther along, near to Queen Victoria's statue, there would be a tunnel under the road. Once, he'd been part of a gang that had ginger-knocked an entire street, then sprinted away through that tunnel, losing themselves in the Gardens before even the first door had been opened.
He didn't know why he had come back to Bathside. It should have been behind him, the twelve years a welcome buffer. The place was a bad memory for him, ashes he had no reason to rake over again.
He walked.
He was kidding himself. He couldn't simply forget Bathside. He had needed to make this trip. He had roots which could not be denied. The place was in his blood, much as he hated to acknowledge that: it was a weakness, a hold.
He headed into town to find himself a meal and see what else had changed.
~
He kept thinking that he should bump into people, spot a face in the crowd, be recognised by an apparent stranger: "Hey, Nick! My man! Remember me?" The struggle to fit a name to those half-remembered features, that familiar voice. But nearly half his life had passed in other towns, with other people. What would his fourteen year-old friends look like now? They'd have jobs, if they were lucky. They might be in suits or work clothes. They'd probably have kids of their own, for God's sake!
He could look them up, he thought. But he had little idea of how to set about it. The telephone directory, perhaps—he could work his way methodically through all the surnames he could remember, all the Smiths and Joneses, he had a year or two to spare. Would the school have records? And would they let him see them if they did?
He wondered how many of the people he had known had moved away by now. Better jobs, better prospects, elsewhere. But he knew that Bathside was the kind of place where people found themselves stuck without realising. Maybe it was because it was at the end of a peninsula: it was a place with—literally—only one way out. You couldn't simply drift away from Bathside, it was a place you had to make a conscious decision to leave.
Wandering through the town centre, he recognised no-one. Drinking his Coke at the Station Inn, he saw no-one. He played bar billiards with a group of likely looking lads of about his age, but none of the faces or talk triggered anything. "You local then?" asked one of them, bringing him another Coke.
"Once," said Nick. "A long time ago." But the conversation led nowhere.
Later, he ate alone, sitting in the window-seat of a burger bar on the High Street, watching faces passing by outside.
He got back to his digs at a little after nine, but already the place was in darkness.
He fished in the letter box for the string, extracted the key and let himself into the quiet, musty house.
~
Up early on Monday morning, still no sign of life in the house, a milk float humming by outside. In his track suit and a decent pair of Adidas running shoes, Nick Redpath set out at a steady jog, past the Minesweepers' Memorial and up Bay Road, away from the sea. There were large Victorian houses along here, many divided up into flats. Lights shone from some of the windows, even though the sky was rapidly brightening.
He turned down towards his old secondary school, then took a right along a rough track known as Squat Lane, which ran along the top of the school grounds. Kids would come here to smoke and bunk off. Older teenagers would come here on their motorbikes, scrambling through the trees and mud to impress their girlfriends, still young enough for school.
Long Meadows Estate had sprawled in the last decade or so. The fields where every winter Nick had watched short-eared owls and hen harriers were gone. In their place were detached family homes, bungalows with symmetrical gardens, a maze of new Closes and Ways and Roads, each named after a different type of bird: Peewit Road, Sandpiper Close, Woodcock Way, even—they must have been struggling by then—a Blue Jay Way.
He ran hard, adrenalin coursing through his body, burning up the Roads, Ways and Closes behind him. Leaving the new estate, he ran back along Low Road, past the bottom end of the school playing fields on one side and the caravan park on the other.
When he reached the Prom he was almost sprinting, taken up in a burst of manic energy. His feet slammed into the ground like a boxer's fists working over a punch bag.
He made himself slow down, a little worried about what was happening to his head. He knew the signs to look for: the sudden fits of hyperactivity, the need to do, followed inevitably by the gloom and depression. He managed his mind like the Naturalists' Trust now managed Copperas Wood: always watching, always ready, keeping the extremes of his own wild nature in check. It had been a difficult skill to acquire.
When he reached Cliff Gardens he ran up the first steeply sloping path, then back down the next, zigzagging his way along to the statue of Queen Victoria, and then finally back to his digs and the smell of hot, greasy cooking from the kitchen.
~
Later, he walked down to Eastquay. Here, four or five roughly parallel streets were squeezed into the narrow head of the peninsula, criss-crossed with countless alleyways and cobbled lanes. This was one of the oldest parts of Bathside, protected for a long time by stockades and marshes from the marauding Essex hordes.
His head was buzzing, memories bobbing up to grab his attention. Again, he wondered what he was doing here, what had driven him to return. He walked past St Nicholas' church, and the old Electric Palace—open again, he saw, showing last year's Hollywood pap.
He went into the Two Cups for a sandwich and some juice. He'd come here once before, not long before he left the town. He'd always looked mature for his age and it was a busy night. He'd bought cider for himself and his other under-age friends and together they had watched Another Citizen's first real gig. He remembered their first song—a cover of 'Purple Haze'—but after that he had been lost in an alcohol daze and the evening had devolved into a blur of booming music, pressing bodies, mindless dancing and jostling and finally being sick against a wall. The band had gone on to have a minor hit in the mid-eighties with 'Montevideo', and they had provided Nick with his first inept chat-up line: "I used to sort of vaguely know their bass player, you know."
The back room where Rod and the boys had played had been converted into a seafood restaurant called Trawler's. Nick sat in one of the remaining two bars and set to work on his club sandwich.
"Nicky Redpath, is that you? Go on, tell me it ain't!"
A heavy hand slapped onto his shoulder and a smell of after-shave and sweat settled around him. He turned and squinted at a grinning face, well-fleshed but not yet fat. The man was of average height, with curly, dark hair, and moistness glinting on lips, eyes and brow. It was the suit that threw Nick at first. Even as the man settled onto the next stool, Nick couldn't picture Ronnie Deller in a suit and tie.
"It is," said Nick. "I am."
"So you're back then."
"I'm back."
The barman brought Ronnie a pint of Adnams without needing to ask, then waited as Ronnie fished out a wallet and paid.
"What's with the suit and tie?" asked Nick, sipping at his orange juice. For a moment there was a flash of hostility in Ronnie's eyes, but it was checked, forgotten in a
n instant.
Nick chastised himself. He had forgotten how carefully Ronnie had to be handled.
Ronnie Deller had been in Nick's year at school, always the wild one, always on the brink of expulsion. Ronnie would fight with anyone he took offence to, no matter how big or old. Pain had been no barrier for him, he'd keep on fighting regardless. Cut off his legs, people used to say, and he'd kick you with the stumps. Ronnie Deller in a suit...
"Lunch break," he said, now. "On the blower to the fucking Dutch all morning—" he reached for his beer "—I need something down my throat."
"So what do you do?" Nick had been at the wrong end of a kicking from Ronnie on one occasion, but other than that they had never had much contact, as far as he could recall.
"Shipping agent. Goods from A to B. Or right now, stuck in some fucking Customs yard waiting for clearance because we didn't get the right papers through from the Hook." He drank again. "Started when I was sixteen, worked my way up. I'm a self-made man, me." He flicked his tie. "I'm doing okay. How's about yourself, then Nick? What were you—fifteen? sixteen?—when you went away? What line are you in then?"
"I was fourteen." Bad memories. He choked them down. He wasn't going to show any sign of weakness. "Went to Chelmsford, Colchester, then two places in Norwich."
"Couldn't handle you, right?"
"That's just the system," said Nick. "It's no big deal. I'm in security now, bits of this and that. Enough to get by."
"You mean you're a bouncer?"
"Sometimes. Nightwatchman, on-site security, bouncing, some bodyguard work. Save some money and then drift, I suppose."
Ronnie shook his head. "Ironic, isn't it?"
That wasn't a word Nick would ever have expected Ronnie to use. "What's ironic?" he asked.
"You, me. The way things are." Ronnie swirled his nearly drained glass. "You were always the brains, right? Going on to good things, that kind of thing. Me, I had to be chained to the desk to keep me in school, but I got my exams and my job doing the copying and making teas. Now I'm sat at a desk, on the blower all bloody morning to old Claus, while you have to earn a crust with your fists."
Twelve years was a long time. Everything was different.
"You looking for work now?"
"Depends," said Nick. He had enough money to last him for a few more weeks yet. He wasn't looking too hard.
"We won't have anything, of course," said Ronnie. "We have the office alarm for security." He laughed, and Nick smiled thinly. "But I've got my contacts, you know? If I hear of anything, I'll put it your way?" Ronnie had a way of turning a statement into a question.
"Thanks," said Nick, finishing his drink. "Another?" He pointed at Ronnie's empty glass. Buy the drinks and regain some standing—he was getting by.
"My shout, my shout." In a single movement Ronnie had swept up the two glasses and caught the barman's attention. He produced his wallet again, and Nick told himself he was reading too much into the gesture: they weren't two schoolboys vying for status any more. "What did you have in the juice, then?"
"Just orange juice," Nick told the barman. "Thanks."
They drank in silence for a few minutes, watching the other customers, the lunchtime trade. The Two Cups had moved upmarket since Nick's one previous visit. Now it was all highly polished brass and exposed wood, bullseye glass in the windows distorting Quay Street outside. The men wore suits and fashionably loud ties, the smaller number of women wore split skirts and big hair; the air smelt not of beer and smoke, but of after-shave and perfume. A lot of them seemed to be having a quick drink either before or after lunch in Trawler's.
"So why are you back in Bathside, then?" asked Ronnie, halfway down his second pint of Adnams.
Nick shrugged. He'd been asking himself the same question since yesterday, but he had still failed to come up with a satisfactory answer. "See the old place," he said. "I haven't been back in twelve years, what with one thing and another." He looked down into his drink for a moment.
"Need to get it out of your system, right? You looked anyone up yet?"
"I lost contact with everyone when I went away," said Nick. "I had a lot on my mind. I don't know what anyone's doing these days."
"Listen," said Ronnie. "You want to meet up with a few old faces? I've got a place up the river at Copperas Bay, you know it? At the Strand. A little cabin I use some weekends. I've got a little boat, do a bit of fishing, get some beers in, right? Sometimes we have a bit of a bash, like this coming Friday. Some people you'll know. I've got keys to another cabin, too, so there's space to stop over. Fancy it?"
"That's good of you," said Nick. "I'll think about it. Thanks. D'you need a yes or no straightaway?" He was trying to stall, he didn't want to commit himself to anything he might regret for the rest of the week.
"Just turn up, Nick. Just turn up. It's number 12. My car'll be outside—a red BMW 325i. You can't miss it." He rose, put his hand on Nick's shoulder again. "Been good," he said. "But I gotta go. You know how it is. Keep Claus on his toes, you know?"
"I know," said Nick, nodding. After a decent interval, he finished his drink and left, setting out along the front, past the Low Lighthouse, heading for the Dubbs and Stone Point.
Chapter 3
On Tuesday morning Nick Redpath chose a different route for his run. He set off along Coastguards' Parade and then Bagshaw Terrace to the Main Road, then right towards Eastquay. But before he reached the High Lighthouse he took a left over the railway and into the Riverside Estate.
He hadn't intended to come this way. The impulse had taken him by surprise, although he suspected some dark corner of his mind had planned it all along. Riverside was a low-lying area, sandwiched between the final curve of the railway and the kink in the estuary between Eastquay and Westquay. Once it had all been salt-marsh but it had been drained in the nineteenth century. Since then it had been in and out of use, mainly for storage and short-term housing, but after the war the council had taken it over and thrown up a swathe of housing, almost overnight. The great flood of 1953 had devastated the estate but it had soon been reconstructed. Nick had moved there when he was a boy, it was the part of town he remembered most clearly.
He turned right, then second left into Rebow Street, but everything had changed. Numbers sixteen to twenty-four had been a cluster of old prefabs, at least ten years past their expected life even when Nick and his mother had first lived there. He remembered the black patches of damp that had spread over the walls every winter and receded in the summer. He remembered the draughts, and the cockroaches and the rats that lived somewhere underneath.
Now it was a building site, the old temporary housing finally giving way to the modern age. The shells of six houses rose from the mud and debris, glassless frames in the windows, piles of bricks and heaps of sand scattered about. Nick was surprised at his reactions: the fondness of the memories, the sense of trespass at this violation of his old territory.
He had stopped when he reached Rebow Street, but now he started to run again, resisting the urge to sprint, to burn up the energy that fizzed in his veins. From Basin Road he could see the looming silhouette of the gas cylinder. As a boy, Nick had climbed it, until he was so high up that Bathside was spread out like Toytown below. There was the sea-wall, too, where he had spent long hours roaming, with friends or alone.
Perhaps this was what he had come back for: some kind of exorcism of his past. He had read somewhere that dreams were the way the brain organised and filed away the experiences and emotions of the preceding day. Maybe this visit was serving a similar function: allowing him to sort out his old memories, finishing off a process which had been cut short twelve years earlier. Maybe now he would be able to return to his digs, pack his bag and get away from here forever.
He had to wait for the boat train to clear the level crossing, then he cut across the old part of town and headed for Stone Point.
The Point was a long breakwater, jutting out into the mouth of the estuary. It had been built by the Victorian
s to alter the flow of the river and prevent the harbour from silting up. They had intended it to be over half a mile long but they had miscalculated and abandoned it a little over halfway. He ran out to the very end, past a couple of early morning fishermen. Children were always warned not to go out on Stone Point, but he had never heard of anyone being swept away by a freak wave. He stopped for a time, to watch the surging of the muddy waters. A cargo ship was heading out into the North Sea and for a moment he thought its bow wave might top the breakwater but it didn't and he turned away, perversely disappointed.
Ahead of him, as he ran back along Stone Point, was the sudden bulge of Beacon Hill, its silhouette hardened and broken up by the shells of long abandoned blockhouses and gun emplacements. The hill had been turned into a fortress during the war and, ever since, local children had known it not as Beacon Hill, but as the Dubbs, short for WD, the War Department.
The Dubbs had still been fenced off—however inadequately, where determined children were concerned—before, but now a public footpath had been opened up across the heart of Beacon Hill. Nick jogged slowly through, past signs that warned against exploring the ruins. Notices proclaimed plans to renovate the land, razing the old buildings to make way for a new marina and residential complex. It seemed that everywhere Nick went in Bathside the developers wanted to erase yet another of his childhood memories. Now, he wished he had skirted the Dubbs, as he had on the previous afternoon, sticking to the Prom.
By Cliff Gardens he had less energy to burn than on the previous morning and so he avoided the steep, zigzagging paths.
He let himself into the house, and as soon as he had showered and dressed, Jim McClennan was serving him with another greasy breakfast. "How's your wife?" Nick asked, hearing sounds from the kitchen. He still hadn't seen her.
His landlord just looked at him, and then left him to his meal.
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