by Ivy Smoak
I set aside my Chinese takeout container. "How long have you been watching me?" I needed to know exactly how much of my past he knew about.
He tilted his head down toward mine. "We said we weren't going to talk about this today."
"I'm not going to be mad or anything if that's what you're worried about. I just need to know how much I need to fill you in about."
"Seeing something and understanding it are two completely different things."
I nodded. "That doesn't exactly answer my question though."
"I mean, I want you to tell me everything. From the beginning. I want to know." His hand drifted to my thigh as he stared into my eyes. "But I want to talk about it tomorrow. Just one normal day. That's all I'm asking." He lifted his hand and tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear.
"No matter how much we want to, we can't exactly freeze time." My life was on the line and Eli was acting like it wasn't an emergency.
"I promise that nothing bad is going to happen to you tonight. I'm right here. Just try to relax." He kissed the side of my neck. "Or do you need me to make you relax again?"
"Hey lovebirds," Kins said as she stepped into the room with Patrick. "Who's ready to party?" She threw her arms up in the air.
I would have bet all the money sitting in my bank account that Kins was wasted. "We were just going to hang out here tonight," I said.
"Actually, it might be fun," Eli whispered. "We've been holed up in here all day."
Because I'm scared to leave.
"Actually I just needed to change," Kins said. "But it would be more fun if you two came." She gave me an exaggerated wink.
I wasn't sure what she was winking about. Really, she should have been winking if she left us alone in the room.
"Don't mind me," she said as she turned around and started to take off her shirt.
"Whoa, babe," Patrick said and immediately stepped in front of Kins at the same time I covered Eli's eyes with my hand.
Eli laughed. "I promise I won't look."
I removed my hand from his face and he was smiling at me, not caring at all about Kins' striptease.
He had the cutest smile on his face. "I think we should go."
"I really don't feel comfortable going out tonight."
"And a little alcohol never made anyone feel more comfortable?" He smiled. "You can't stay locked up in here forever." He jumped off the bed and stretched.
"You really want to go?"
"Yeah, it'll be fun."
"Yay!" Kins said. "It's about time we had a proper double date. Tonight is going to be epic. Put this on." She tossed a dress at me.
It was similar to the blue one I had liked when we went shopping together. It was light weight and short, perfect for the weather. Normally I would protest about being forced to take off my sweatshirt. But my bruises were healed. I wanted to look nice for Eli. And wearing something like this would make me blend in better.
"Give me one sec." I slipped out of room and went to the bathroom. I quickly changed into the dress and stared at my reflection in the mirror. It would have matched my blue eyes perfectly if I wasn't wearing colored contact lenses. I pressed my hand in the middle of my chest. It still felt like a part of me was missing. For most of my life, my pendant had almost been an anchor. I wondered if that feeling would ever go away. Trying not to overthink anything, I made my way back into my dorm room.
"And how about these shoes?" Kins said and held up a pair of stilettos. They were the exact kind of heels you'd see some woman in a movie trip in while running down a dark alleyway.
I looked down at the Converses that I was still wearing. "No, that's okay, I'll stick with these."
"But...they don't match."
"I think they look cute." I looked up at Eli.
He shrugged and put his arm around my shoulders.
Apparently I was the only one that thought my shoes looked okay with the dress. But I didn't care. If I needed to run, I wanted to be able to go as fast as possible. Eli should understand that.
My heart seemed to race more the farther and farther we walked away from the dorm. "Where are we going exactly?" I asked.
"A friend from my Econ class invited me to their house party," Patrick said. "It should be fun."
"God my feet hurt," Kins said. "I should have worn ugly sneakers too."
Kins usually didn't have much of a filter. But apparently when she was drunk it was nonexistent.
"Hold on, babe." Patrick leaned over and lifted Kins into his arms.
She squealed with delight. "To the party!" she yelled and pointed down the sidewalk.
Patrick sprinted off with her in his arms.
"Maybe if I get on her level I won't be worried about anything at all."
Eli laughed. "I would probably avoid the blackout level if I were you."
I had never been blackout drunk. I just laughed, pretending I knew it all too well. In a few minutes, I started to feel the ground vibrating. We had reached a row of townhouses. "Their poor neighbors," I said.
"Come on, let's check it out for at least a few minutes." He pulled me inside.
The music seemed to pulse through me. The rhythm echoing in my head. I felt frantic. I wouldn't be able to hear if someone snuck up behind me.
I clung to Eli like he was my lifeline as we wound our way through the crowd.
I drank each shot that was pushed into my hand, trying to stifle the panic rising in my chest.
"Can we go?" I tried to yell over the music.
"Just try to relax."
His hands were on my hips. People kept bumping into me. My whole body felt like it was on fire.
But I had learned how to dance among the flames a long time ago.
Chapter 11
Saturday
"Can I steal her?!" Kins yelled over the music. It almost looked like there were two of her in front of me.
I giggled. God, I was probably even drunker than her. Eli was a complete genius. I don't think I had ever been so relaxed.
He seemed to reluctantly let go of my hips. I liked how much he liked me. I was getting caught up in the feeling. I stepped toward Kins and immediately grabbed her arm so that I wouldn't fall over.
"You okay?" Eli said with a smile.
"Peachy!" I toasted my red Solo cup against his bicep and he laughed. "I'll be right back."
Kins started pulling me away from him and he disappeared in the crowd of people.
"Slow down," I said.
"Girl, you are so drunk."
"Me? You're the one that's drunk."
She laughed. "Fine, we're both a little drunk." When we reached the side of the makeshift dance floor, she turned to face me and put both her hands on my shoulders. "I just hope I can remember tonight tomorrow because Patrick just told me that he loved me!" She started jumping up and down.
I had a feeling she wanted me to jump too, but I was almost positive I'd fall over if I tried. "And that's a...good thing, right?"
"Of course it's a good thing! I'm obsessed with him. You know that."
Are you though? "Well, I'm happy for you."
She beamed at me. "How was Eli in bed?"
"Would you keep your voice down?" I took another sip of the beer in my hand.
"No one can hear us over the music. How was the sex?!" she yelled even louder.
I laughed. "It was good."
She gave me an exaggerated frown. "Just good? Not great?"
"I mean...yeah, it was great." I looked over my shoulder to see if he was nearby. Why did I just say good? I smiled to myself. Probably because it was better with the mask. I couldn't explain why, it just was. I tried to stifle my laugh. What is wrong with me?
"Do you love him?"
"What? I think it's a little early for that. I barely even know him." We hadn't really gotten a chance to talk today. I still had all my questions for him. I glanced again at the crowd, but I couldn't find him.
"You two will get there eventually, I just know it. Oh my God, we can
be each other's maid of honors. Ah! Double wedding!"
I laughed. "You're so drunk."
"You're so drunk! I'm going to go find my hot boyfriend who loves me. Don't do anything I wouldn't do!" She disappeared into the sea of people.
I smiled to myself. It felt like I was having déjà vu. Except Kins sounded just like me when I was little. So much faith in love. And I sounded like my babysitter, Julie. The problem was, I knew the truth. Love didn't really exist. The world was dark and cruel. I would never love Eli the way he deserved to be loved. I wasn't capable of loving him. He knew that, right? Why did he want to be with me when he knew that? And where was he, anyway?
I pushed through the crowd of people as I looked for him. He might as well have been a magician because he was stellar at disappearing acts. I laughed at my own joke as I made my way up the stairs.
Eli was nowhere in sight. If I somehow did miraculously believe in love again, I certainly wouldn't love someone who just abandoned me at a party that he dragged me to. Asshole. I made my way outside and let the fresh air hit my face. It probably would have sobered me up if I hadn't taken those last few shots.
Music still swirled around in my head. I took the steps two at a time and started walking back toward my dorm with a skip in my step. Liquid courage was a wonderful thing. This was probably the first time all semester I hadn't even been a little scared. I smiled at the thought. God, I really am drunk. I giggled to myself as I walked down the sidewalk.
Barely anyone was around, which was strange for a Saturday night. But I decided to take advantage of the empty sidewalk. I twirled around in a circle and let my dress fly up around my waist. I used to love to do that when I was little. My feet stopped as my eyes locked on the stars above. All day long I was hoping that Eli would teach me how to jump across the rooftops. I wanted to be close to the sky. I felt invincible, like I could suddenly touch the stars. God, I missed the stars.
I twirled around again, dancing to the beat of the music in my head. This was what living was supposed to feel like. My feet seemed to guide me toward the school's observatory. I stopped when I was standing right outside Grenada Hall. It wouldn't still be open this late, right? I reached for the handle of the door and was surprised to find it unlocked.
I knew I was drunk. And underage. And that this was private property that belonged to the school. But I need to see the stars, damn it.
I walked inside as quietly as possible. It seemed newer than the other lecture buildings on campus. The tile floors almost glistened in the dim light. There was absolutely no one around. It made me feel like I was trespassing. The thought sent a thrill through me. I pressed the button for the elevator.
It immediately dinged open, echoing through the entranceway. "Shh!" I said out loud as I stepped onto it. My eyes scanned the buttons. Observation deck. That sounded good. I clicked the button above the words.
My stomach churned slightly as the elevator rose. I held on to the handrail to steady myself. Maybe this was a bad idea. I didn't want to get in trouble.
But all my worries flew away as soon as the doors opened. "Oh my God." I stepped out of the elevator and stared up at the glass ceiling. It was like I was standing in the stars. I twirled around again. Tears pricked the corners of my eyes. It was absolutely breathtaking. I wanted to live up here. I giggled to myself, remembering thinking the exact same thing about Miles' tree house.
Miles, Miles, Miles. Why did my rambling thoughts always wind up on him? I walked over to the closest telescope. I had no idea how to use it, but I bent down to peer inside.
And my heart seemed to stop. Sagitta. It was angled perfectly at my favorite constellation. The arrow was bright in the sky. It was the perfect season for viewing it. Hell, it probably would have been Miles' secret password right now.
"It's pretty amazing, huh?" Miles said.
I jumped, knocking into the telescope. It swiveled and slammed into his stomach. Hard.
He made this quiet gasping noise, like all the wind had just been knocked out of him.
"Oh my God, Miles. I'm so sorry." I put my hands on the front of his t-shirt. "Are you okay?"
"I'm better now."
I realized my palms were pressed firmly against his abs. His perfectly defined abs. Stop molesting him! I laughed awkwardly and removed my hands from his shirt. "You scared me half to death." I took a step back from him and tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear. "This place is amazing. Do you bring all the ladies up here?" What the hell am I saying?
He smiled out of the corner of his mouth.
I loved that smile. It still made my heart race after all these years. I swallowed hard.
"Not all the ladies, no."
I laughed. "Well, you should." I looked up at the glass ceiling. I couldn't help but twirl around again. "It feels like I'm dreaming." The music was still swirling around in my head.
"I like your shoes."
"What?" I looked back at him.
He nodded down toward my Converses. They didn't match my dress at all. Everyone else thought I was weird for wearing them. I couldn't hide the smile from my face. I remembered when I had thought Miles would like it if I wore more sophisticated shoes like Julie. They had been Converses actually. That night, so many years ago, he had complemented my bunny slippers. But tonight we were all grown up. The thought made me stop spinning.
"Thank you," I whispered. My heart started racing as he walked up to me. Time seemed to slow as I smelled a hint of grass lingering on his skin. How could he still smell the same after all these years? "I love the way you smell," I said, before I could stop myself.
He smiled out of the corner of his mouth again.
My eyes gravitated toward his lips. "And your smile. The way it's weighted to one side. It makes my insides melt."
He laughed and pushed his hair off his forehead.
"God, and that too." I mimicked his action, by pushing my bangs out of my face.
"Is that all?" His eyes danced across my face, studying me.
"No. There are a million more reasons why you're making it impossible to stay away from you. And before you give me some line about how you don't want me to stay away, you should know that I'm breaking all sorts of rules right now. And..." I lowered my voice to a whisper..."I'm so drunk."
"Oh yeah, I can tell."
I laughed. "I thought I was hiding it pretty well."
"Not at all."
"Well, aren't you going to report me or something?"
"No."
"But you're my RA. It's your job to turn me in." I put out my wrists.
He looked down at my outstretched hands, and I could have sworn I saw his Adam's apple rise and then fall. What on earth is he thinking right now?
"Turn you in? I'm not a cop. And I may be your RA, but I have the biggest crush on you. I think I've made that pretty obvious."
I put my hands back to my sides. "I'm dating someone."
"You're looking at me like you're not."
I blinked away the stars in my eyes. "That's not true, I..."
"Are you two serious?"
Again, Eli and I had somehow avoided the boyfriend/girlfriend conversation. And he had ditched me again. I never seemed to know where his head was at. "I don't know, we haven't really talked about it. I should report you, you know. For not reporting me."
"Maybe wait until the morning. You may reconsider."
"I don't think so. You, sir, are in a whole lot of trouble."
"How about you sleep on it?"
"I'm not sleeping with you. I just told you that I'm seeing someone."
He laughed. "I said sleep on it. Not sleep with me. Now let's get you back to the dorm safely. See, I can be a good RA."
A spark shot through me when he placed his hand on my lower back. I let him escort me toward the elevator. There was this weird tension building in my chest. Suddenly my crazy drunken mind seemed perfectly clear. And my heart was still broken. Miles had broken it. It was still beating, just barely. And it beat for
him.
"Was that you who pointed the telescope at Sagitta?" I asked. I had to know if he still looked at that constellation and thought of me the way I thought of him. I needed to know if his heart beat for me too. The girl I used to be. Not this drunken mess in front of him now.
It looked like he was studying my face again. "Do you know a lot about astronomy?" he said.
Why didn't he answer my question? "When I was little, I loved looking at the stars."
"Me too."
"Well, I mean, I still do. But it's different now." Looking at them without you was never the same. I put my hand on the railing of the elevator as it started its descent. "Looking at them alone is so..."
"Isolating."
Exactly. "Is that why you come to the observatory alone on a Saturday night? To isolate yourself?"
"Maybe I've just been waiting for someone to want to come with me."
I laughed. "We've had this conversation before, Mr. Popular." I gestured toward him. "Any girl on campus would be thrilled to spend a night under the stars with you." I know I would.
"You don't get it, do you?"
"Get what?"
He stuffed his hands into the pockets of his jeans. "People see me a certain way. A jock. Captain of the soccer team. Econ major. A future bright with a boring desk job pushing papers." He shook his head. "But no one ever takes the time to really see me."
I see you. I feel your pain. The elevator doors dinged opened. I didn't want him to be sad. And I didn't want tonight to end. I wanted to dance with him under the moonlight. I wanted him to hold me tight and not let go. I wanted to laugh under the stars with the boy I loved. Maybe it was the alcohol coursing through my blood. Or maybe it was just the fact that it killed me when there wasn't a smile on his lips. But I couldn't let tonight end on a sad note. The night was young, and so were we. I saw him. I had always seen him. This was the only way I could show him, without spilling my secret. "Come with me." I grabbed his hand and pulled him out of the elevator. "Let's show New York who you really are then."