by Ivy Smoak
I stood up. I wasn't sure if it was because Miles liked them or because Eli didn't that I kept them on. Maybe it was a combination of the two. I also had an eerie feeling that maybe if Julie had still been wearing hers, she wouldn't have gotten kidnapped. That wasn't going to happen to me. I'd die before I was back under Don's thumb.
Before leaving the room, I turned to look in the mirror once more. Normally I'd wear something that hid the pendant around my neck. But I no longer had my most prized possession. I stared at my reflection. There was something different about the person staring back at me. It wasn't the low cut of the dress, or the makeup I was wearing. It wasn't even the fact that I had brown hair and brown eyes instead of my normal red hair and blue eyes. For the first time in nine years, I didn't look scared.
It didn't make any sense. I had just found out that I had a relative I didn't know about who was most likely trying to kill me. I probably only had two days left to live. But there wasn't fear in my eyes. For years, I had no one on my side. Now I had a whole team of people and friends, including three guys who cared about me. Three. And it was selfish, but I didn't have any desire to let any of them go. I liked the sense of security it gave me to know I had people watching my back. Because who was I kidding? I couldn't even manage to reach a zipper on my back. How on earth was I planning on protecting myself without them?
And I was pretty sure none of them would love all of me. They just liked the part of me that they saw. Miles was in love with Summer Brooks, a carefree girl with an easy smile. Eli was in love with the tortured part of me, the one who hid in broad daylight and was scared to say a word. And V loved the person I was becoming, a person who'd eventually be strong enough not to need him. Because the truth was, I was unlovable as a whole. I didn't even love myself. I hated looking in the mirror. I hated the person I had become. And I wasn't scared of my current predicament, because the truth was that I was tired of living.
The thought hit me hard as I blinked away my tears. My parents were dead. My grandmother was dead. Julie was most likely dead. And the three people left that cared about me the most would probably all die trying to protect me. So wasn't it just better if I died first? I wiped away the tears under my eyes and turned away from the mirror.
It wasn't that I was giving up. It was simply that there was no hope. We had no leads. We had no idea what Don was planning. Even if I was still breathing in two days, I was still dead inside. And I couldn't even embrace being Sadie Davis anymore because she was already someone else. Coming here wasn't a fresh start. Coming here was the end.
So why did it feel like a beginning whenever I was around Miles, Eli, and V? Maybe it was because I was starved for love. That's why it was so hard to turn any of them away. I was lucky to have met each of them. A part of me could even imagine a future with each of them. I loved Miles because he reminded me of what it felt like to be whole. I loved Eli because he was proof that I could be loved despite being broken. And I loved V because he made me feel optimistic of a future, no matter how unrealistic it was.
But none of those futures could possibly exist. I was incapable of love, despite how torn I felt about each of them. My heart was too full of hate. I was consumed with something that seemed bigger than a feeling. It truly felt like my heart was only still beating because Don was still breathing. And when I ended his life, I'd finally be free.
Before I was out of time, I needed to tell each of them. I needed them to understand that their lives were better off without me in them. It shouldn't be hard. None of them loved all of me. How could they?
I grabbed my purse off the dresser. I'd start by telling Eli tonight after our double date. I knew he wanted a second chance, but what was the point? He should be focusing his efforts on someone who still breathed life.
I walked out of the bedroom. I was hoping V wouldn't be there when I left for my date. Unfortunately he was sitting at the kitchen counter. He looked up as I walked past him. I kept my head down, hoping he'd ignore me.
"Stop," his voice rumbled.
My feet reacted before my brain, immediately stopping at his command. I didn't look back at him as he approached me. His fingers brushed the back of my neck, as he pushed my hair to the side. He slowly zipped up my dress the rest of the way. His touch sent a chill down my spine.
"Why have you been crying?" he asked.
"I haven't."
He grabbed my arm and turned me toward him. "Talk to me."
"It's nothing."
He sighed. "You don't have to go with Eli if you don't want to."
"How do you even know about that?"
"He informed me about the change in schedule. I don't think it's necessary for you to go out of your way to keep up the facade that you two are dating. You don't have to go."
"What does it matter? You said we weren't going to end up together. You've made it clear that all this is between us is just physical."
"That's not what I said." His fingers loosened their grip on my arm.
"Yes it is. You said we were doing this on borrowed time."
"Sadie, please don't push me away right now. Not for him." He lightly touched the bottom of my chin.
"Eli Serrano is at the entrance," Athena's voice said smoothly through the speakers.
I was about to step away, but V grabbed my waist and pulled me against him.
"My heart beats on borrowed time," he whispered, as he pressed his forehead against mine.
I believed he thought that was true. That he thought he loved that small piece of me. Because it would have been easy for me to stay in this moment.
He breathed in my exhales like I was the one that could somehow give him strength, when in reality he was the one that took away my pain.
There was a loud tapping against the window that made me jump. "I'll be back later," I said.
He reluctantly let go of my waist and stepped back. "I meant what I said, Sadie. My heart beats on borrowed time," he repeated, as if the first time he said it hadn't reverberated through my soul.
I didn't turn back to him. If he meant it, he would have called me Summer. If he meant it, he'd love all of me. If he meant it, I probably would have stayed. But it wasn't enough. I needed to feel love for that part of me that was broken. And that part of me that was once whole. I'd never become what V wanted me to be. I didn't have enough time.
The window slowly rose. Eli was standing there in jeans and a blazer with his hair slicked back slightly.
I stepped outside, feeling the last few rays of sunlight on my skin. "You look different."
"This is me." He smiled at me, almost shyly. "I'm Eli Serrano." He put his hand out. "And it's really nice to meet you, Summer."
I turned my head as the window started to whirr closed. V was staring at me with the most piercing gaze. It was almost as if he could see it too, the parts of me that were Summer. And it felt like he hated her. Like he despised her.
My skin felt cold as the window shut. I looked back at Eli. His hand was still outstretched, the smile still on his face. Seeing his smile warmed me somehow. And it wasn't because of the flames lapping at the surface. Eli wasn't bad. He was good. So good. Maybe the fire I felt when our skin touched wasn't because of him at all. Maybe I was the one that was burning.
I reached out my hand. "I already like you, Eli Serrano. I don't want to start over." We don't have time to start over. Instead of shaking his hand, I intertwined our fingers, and let our hands fall between us.
His smile grew even wider. "We should probably get going. Our reservation is at 7 and it's a pretty long walk."
I nodded and we walked hand in hand down the fire escape. I didn't feel an ounce of fire in his touch now. There was just this overwhelming sense of comfort. He could protect me. Maybe this didn't have to end in two days. When had my hope dissipated?
I glanced at Eli out of the corner of my eye as we stepped off the fire escape. "You look older."
"I am older than you originally thought," he said with a smile.
> "No, I know. I just...I mean, I can see it now. Where did you go to college the first time around?"
He laughed. "The University of Colorado. And then I went to the police academy when I decided I didn't want to go to law school."
"You originally wanted to be a lawyer?"
"I've always wanted to help people. I just wasn't exactly sure how I wanted to do that." His fingers tightened around mine slightly as we crossed the street. The small gesture made me feel protected.
We didn't speak as we entered Central Park. The silence with him wasn't awkward. It wasn't like it was with Miles, when I was worried he'd discover the truth. I felt at peace.
"I believe that you didn't know that Don was hurting me," I finally said, breaking the silence. "I just wanted you to know that. And I'm sorry that..."
"Summer, please don't apologize. It kills me that I didn't know. I swear I would have stopped it if I knew. I was right there. I should have seen it."
I could hear the pain in his voice when he spoke about it. It was almost as if he blamed himself. If I was going to die in two days, I didn't want him to hold on to that pain. "It wasn't your fault, Eli."
He didn't say anything.
"Eli," I said and pulled on his hand to make him stop walking. "I'd say I forgive you, but there is nothing to forgive. But I see it in your face. You have to forgive yourself." I placed my hand on the center of his chest.
His Adam's apple rose and fell as he stared down at me. I could feel his heart racing beneath my palm.
"I could have prevented that pain," he said. "Whenever I look at you, I can see that pain in your eyes. If I had seen it, I could have..."
"You couldn't have done anything. Don would have killed you. You know what he's like. I'm just grateful that you like me despite everything that's happened."
"You think you're broken. But I don't see it that way, Summer." He gently cupped the side of my face in his hand. "And you need to stop beating yourself up over things that weren't you're fault."
My unborn baby dying was my fault. I ignored the sharp pain in my chest and leaned into his hand slightly. I was supposed to be distancing myself from him, but he kept drawing me closer. This didn't feel like an act. This felt real. And I was worried that if I went through with my plan and ended things tonight, the part of me he loved would fade away. I didn't want to disappear.
Chapter 31
Wednesday
Eli pulled my seat out for me and I sat down. There were already two glasses of water in front of the seats across from us. Apparently Kins and Patrick had arrived before us, but they were missing now.
A waitress walked over to us. "Welcome to the Tavern on the Green. I'm Lexi and I'll be your waitress this evening. Can I get you both something to drink?"
"Water is fine," Eli and I both said at the same time.
The waitress smiled. "I'll be right back."
"You could have ordered something a little stronger," I said when the waitress walked away.
"But that's a little suspicious for an 18 year old, don't you think?"
I laughed. "Only if Kins and Patrick ever show."
"We were a little late. Maybe they're just looking around the restaurant. This place is amazing, don't you think?"
I looked up at the strings of lights streamed above our heads and turned to view the big tree I had seen when we walked into the outdoor portion of the restaurant. The tree was strung up with lights and the setting sun made the whole scene breathtaking. The lights reminded me of the stars.
I turned back to Eli. "It's really beautiful. Remember the first date we went on, you know, when you took me to Central Park to see the stars?"
He smiled. "I remember."
"I thought it was because I mentioned it was strange that you couldn't see the stars that first night I met you. Was that it? Or was there more to it?" He had been watching me for nearly two years. I had no idea what he already knew about me.
His smile faltered slightly. "Honestly, I always knew what I wanted us to do on our first date. "
"You thought you wanted to go on a date with me before you even knew me?"
"I did know you. I mean, I do know you."
A part of me. "So why'd you want to take me stargazing on our first date?"
"You used to climb out on the roof at night and watch the stars. Sometimes you'd even go on the roof when it was cloudy and bring a book and a flashlight. It was like you just liked being close to the sky."
I liked being close to Miles. "I used to cry on the roof. Didn't you ever see my tears?"
"Some people cry in the face of beauty, whereas I just can't seem to look away."
His gaze made my cheeks flush.
He leaned forward and traced his thumb down my cheek. "You have no idea how often I dreamed of brushing your tears away."
I closed my eyes, relishing the feeling of his touch.
"Hey, lovebirds," Kins said.
I opened my eyes as Eli's hand fell from my cheek.
Kins was smoothing her skirt and Patrick was running his fingers through his hair. Their whole appearance seemed slightly off.
Patrick awkwardly cleared his throat. "Nice to see you again, Sadie," he said as he pulled out Kins' seat for her.
"You too," I said and looked back and forth between them.
Eli lightly nudged me in the ribs. I glanced at him and his eyebrows were raised. His eyes danced with humor.
Oh my God. I turned my attention back to Kins and Patrick. Did they just have sex in the restaurant bathroom? "Where have you two been?" I asked.
"Where have we been?" Kins asked and laughed. "You two were the ones that were late." She picked up her menu.
"Yeah, but... ow!" I grabbed my shin under the table where Kins had just kicked me. It wasn't a light tap either.
"Are you okay?" Patrick said.
"Fine." My voice sounded weird and high-pitched. Fine except for my poor innocent shin.
"Anyway," Eli said, "we're sorry we were late." He put his arm around my shoulders. "What are you guys ordering?"
"Probably the bratwurst," Kins said.
"I heard the kielbasa is good," Patrick said.
"Maybe we should just go get hotdogs." Eli laughed and set his menu down.
"Or we could order the calamari?" Why was I so bad at fitting in with their light banter?
"Oh, so close," Kins said. "But not quite phallic enough." She giggled as Patrick kissed her cheek. "Seriously, though, I did hear their food was good here. Oh. My. God." She set her menu down and stared over my shoulder.
No. I immediately held my breath, assuming the worst. He's here. For one second.
The small hairs on the back of my neck seemed to rise.
For two seconds.
He can't be here.
For three seconds.
Eli's arm tightened around my shoulders.
For four seconds.
It felt like my lungs were going to explode as panic rose to my throat.
For five seconds.
We both turned around, but there was nothing there. I let go of the breath I had been holding and Eli gently rubbed my back. I knew he had been thinking the same thing.
"What are you talking about, babe?" Patrick said and picked his menu back up.
Kins put her hand on his menu, pushing it back down onto the table. "It's James Hunter," she squealed and pointed to a table behind us.
I looked over my shoulder at a couple seated a few tables away from us. Sure enough, the handsome billionaire was seated with his wife. They were laughing about something. The woman placed her hands on her large pregnant stomach and shook her head animatedly. I wasn't sure why, but I imagined they were discussing names for their unborn child. Something seemed to constrict in my chest. I immediately turned away. No wonder everyone wanted to do their psychology projects about him. His life seemed so perfect.
"God, he's even sexier in person," Kins said. She placed her chin in her hand and blatantly stared at him. "I mean, look at him.
"
"He's okay," Patrick said. "You should probably stop staring at them, though, it's rude."
"Are you kidding?" Kins slapped his arm. "He's like sex on a stick. I can't not stare at him."
Patrick frowned. "How would you feel if I said his wife was hot?"
Kins scrunched up her nose. "She's pregnant."
"That doesn't mean she isn't hot. And I've seen pictures of her before she got pregnant. She's gorgeous."
Kins slapped his arm harder this time. "Yeah, I wouldn't like it. Stop checking her out."
Patrick smiled to himself as he picked his menu back up. Maybe he thought their conversation was a victory for him. I wondered what he'd think if he knew the way Kins talked about Eli all the time.
Eli tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear. I glanced over at him. It was like he could sense my discomfort. The small gesture made me smile. It made me feel less broken. He made me feel light even though I knew darkness was creeping into my soul.
"Let's play truth or dare," Kins said.
I shook my head. "You just want someone to dare you to go talk to James Hunter."
Eli and Patrick both laughed.
"I do not," Kins said and picked her menu back up. But she winked at me over the top of it.
I glanced back over my shoulder at the happy couple. And in that moment, I knew for sure that I'd never have that. I could already feel myself disappearing.
***
"Do you ladies want to head back to our place?" Patrick asked as he grabbed Kins' hand.
"Actually, we were going to take a walk. Right, Sadie?" Eli glanced down at me, waiting for me to say yes.
I was having a great time with him. I didn't want tonight to end. He made me feel so normal. "Yeah, if that's alright." I smiled up at him.
"We'll catch you later then," Kins said. "We're just going to go this way." She pointed toward the exit farthest away. The one that would allow her to walk past James Hunter's table. "I'm going to try to get a whiff of his cologne," she whispered as she gave me a swift hug. She did some weird handshake with Eli before Patrick escorted her away from us.