He was sweating. He rubbed a palm against his forehead, pressing too hard into his skin. I was worried he was hurting himself but it wasn’t the right time to start acting like a nurse.
“Let me explain.” I managed to say.
I found it difficult to get my words out but I knew he heard me. He didn’t say anything. The silence between us was not the usual, comfortable silence. It was filled with an unspoken threat.
He nodded. I took that as a sign I could carry on but I could see in his eyes that he didn’t care what I had to say.
“I went to the town hall to just look around, I swear. I wanted to try out that whole compulsion thing you showed me. I wanted to see if I really had the potential you said.”
I was becoming even more uncomfortable with the silence. I rubbed the back of my neck with my hand and it took me a moment to realise that this nervous tick had been a habit of mine as a child when I was stressed by a situation. Somehow I felt just as vulnerable under Gabriel’s gaze as I had as a human, but I had to carry on. I had to explain myself.
“I went in to the town hall and I had a look around. Then I felt this horrible hunger. Remember that night when I woke up and had that need to kill, that uncontrollable urge? It was like that, but I had all these people around me. I felt like a junkie in a drug den or something. I picked the boy, Benjamin, because he was easy to get to and it didn’t take much compulsion. I took him back stage and I killed him. That woman walked in just before I was finished.” I knew my chaotic speech had become frenzied but I couldn’t control what I was saying. “I know I acted like an idiot and I was totally rash, but I had to eat. You can’t imagine the hunger. I think something is wrong with me. The hunger I had when I woke that night was nothing compared to this. I seriously worried for my life.”
I finished my speech. I had decided to leave out the part about the other vampire who had been watching me. I didn’t want to worry Gabriel unnecessarily, and something about my supernatural admirer seemed like it should be kept secret.
Gabriel laughed, but this wasn’t the warming, comforting laugh I had come to know. This was dangerous and cold like a dark shadow of his previous smile.
“I have lived for hundreds of years. Don’t you think I’ve been hungry before? I’ve had to survive on rats while I was hiding out on boats in the middle of the ocean. I’ve been so hungry, I couldn’t even move. You don’t even know what hunger feels like.” He screamed.
“I’m sorry.” I whispered.
I desperately wanted Gabriel to forgive me. I had put our relationship on the line, I would admit that, but Gabriel had left me, a new born vampire, to hunt alone. He had to take some responsibility. I was starting to convince myself it wasn’t all down to me.
Gabriel nodded. I couldn’t see his eyes or his expression but I could sense the waves of disappointment radiating from him. Well, at least it wasn’t anger.
Finally, after what seemed like years, he answered me.
“Alright, apology accepted. I’m going to rest now.” He said.
It seemed at first like this was the positive outcome I’d hoped for- he had forgiven me- but his tone said otherwise. Every word he spoke came out with no feeling, just empty. He had given up on me.
I felt tears rolling down my cheeks and my whole stomach writhed in painful anxiety. Gabriel turned and walked away from me, towards the bedroom.
“Gabriel!” I screamed after him as he moved further away.
He had never dismissed me so easily, not even once in our years together. I was on my last shred of composure, but I didn’t like the desperate shriek which had taken over my normally calm voice. I felt like pain was bursting through my body and infecting the words as they came out.
“Please.” I screamed again in the pained noise that intertwined with my voice.
Gabriel stopped and turned back to me, still with no sign of emotion.
“Sorry but I can’t do this right now.” He said.
He turned away from me and shut the bedroom door, leaving me to stand alone. As the full force of the conversation hit me I let the tears fall from my eyes. My chest and shoulders heaved under the weight of my deep sobs.
The creeping feeling of being watched came over me again, but I was so shaken that I didn’t even think about it. It was more of an inconvenience than a threat at that moment. As I wept, I realised that no matter what happened in the coming weeks or months, even if Gabriel and I reconciled, nothing would ever be the same between us.
Chapter 16Gabriel didn’t utter a single word to me for the next two weeks. I didn’t dare to make the first move. Whenever we sat next to each other I longed to wrap my arms around him and kiss him. I wanted to melt against him and forget everything except blood and love. I wanted to drink in his scent and his warmth. I wanted everything to be back to normal.
It seemed as if these few weeks lasted for years. Several times Gabriel returned from the hunt and begin to read, leaving me to do anything as long as it didn’t disturb him. I spent those long hours on the bed, alone, thinking of him.
I thought about what to do now that Gabriel refused to acknowledge me. One night we returned to our beautiful apartment and I sat down by the huge panes of glass that lined our living room. The Easter showers had kicked in again and I pressed my palm against the rain stained glass. Something about these glittering droplets comforted me during those long moments of silence.
I wrapped my arms around my knees and rested my cheek against the cold glass. My eyelids seemed to close by themselves and I let the patter of the rain soothe me as I drifted off. For a few precious seconds I forget my problems.
As I let my mind drift I thought about my options. The former happiness I had experienced with Gabriel resurfaced and I pictured everything we’d done together. I remembered the moments before my death when he had comforted me with the quiet confidence that had always settled my anxieties.
I knew those days were over. Even if Gabriel decided to forgive me, I doubted whether he would ever be able to trust me again. Hunting would more than likely become a highly supervised event. Our lives would never return to the way we had been planning for all those years.
Then another idea struck me. I could leave him. I could run away and never look back. I was a vampire, an immortal being with almost limitless strength and power. All I needed to survive was a steady supply of blood, either human or animal, both of which were abundant the world over. I didn’t need him anymore.
I imagined myself travelling across the streets of Paris, the arable lands of the East, and the shining mansions of Hollywood. I pictured doing it all on my own. The itinerary would be all my own creation so I would have complete freedom.
The moment I even contemplated a life alone something twisted inside me. I felt the very depths of my body contracting in pain. It was obviously psychological, but something about the agony seemed to manifest itself physically. I lay flat on the floor, desperately trying to stop this pain, pressing my forehead against the cold floor.
I imagined my past with Gabriel and the sharp pangs began to ease away. I knew then that I couldn’t leave him. I couldn’t survive extreme shooting pain like that and something told me that this feeling would only get worse if I ever did decide to fly the nest. Just contemplating it was bad enough, but leaving could kill me. I had to stay.
That didn’t mean I had to make any effort to talk to him. For the time being, I needed to keep my distance. Whenever I thought about our fight the first thing that surfaced was the threat running through Gabriel’s voice. I was unsure how far his anger would take him and it was unsettling to find myself scared of my soul mate.
Gabriel left and went to bed alone, although I wanted nothing more than to curl up beside him. I wanted to fall into our usual deep sleep with his arms wrapping me up, and then wake up the next night still in his warm embrace.
I knew that I couldn’t be with him. The separation hurt me, mentally not physically this time, but it would be best for both of us to main
tain some distance. I had to find somewhere else to sleep for the night. The apartment was almost at the top of the complex and so there was no basement, but the living room wasn’t sunlight tight.
As I thought of the sunlight streaming in through the windows I realised I had forgotten one way out: suicide. I could stay exactly where I was and wait for the sun to rise. It would be my second, final death and Gabriel could move on without me. Of course it was silly to even think about it. I was too much of a coward for that and so I resigned myself to the fact that I could never go through with it.
I pulled myself up from the floor and decided to settle in the bathroom. It had no windows and so it was perfect for a makeshift nest. I curled myself up in the bath tub and let my eyes close. I hadn’t realised I was so exhausted but now that sleep was presenting itself to me I was more than willing to take hold of it.
I fell asleep thinking of that pain again. My name went round my head in a repetitive circle, always in Gabriel’s furious voice. I tried desperately to stop thinking about it, but I couldn’t escape the terror his voice had instilled in me. It haunted me.
I woke up the next night with Gabriel standing over me. He was in the doorway of the bathroom, just staring at me with that enigmatic gaze. He didn’t say anything. He had always been an imposing figure, but until now I had enjoyed his height. I had loved curling up to him and feeling his large body fold itself around my small form. His height had taken on a different function now. He was using it as a device of intimidation and threat, something from his arsenal of predator weapons.
I sat up in the bath tub, returning his gaze and trying not to let my fear show itself. I couldn’t let Gabriel know how deeply his anger had affected me. Hundreds of thoughts were being thrown around my mind, battering the other thoughts in to submission. Did he want to reconcile or did he want to kill me? Both were equally plausible after the events of the last few days.
Gabriel averted his strong gaze to the floor and I almost expected to see a hole burnt into the tiles, so strong was his contempt.
He cleared his throat to draw my attention towards him again. “I’m not hunting with you tonight. You’re on your own.” He said in a low, commanding tone.
Then he left. He turned around and walked out of the room, leaving me in the bath tub. I heard the front door slam behind him and I was left alone for the first time in weeks. Gabriel had only left me a handful of times in our long vampiric relationship and both times had been to perform mysterious “errands.” Now he didn’t even attempt to come up with a convincing argument.
The silence and loneliness hit me and I let the tears fall down my face. It felt strange to cry so much. As a human, the murder of my family had left me emotionally numb. Gabriel had been the only thing to even register on my mind in that time. My transformation into a vampire had inevitably made me even colder, it was part of my nature to disregard human feelings so that killing on a nightly basis evoked no guilt.
Even as a vampire Gabriel had been the only thing to force emotion out of me. I hadn’t displayed this much distress in years. I felt completely out of my element. It was time to pull myself out of the hole and get going.
I felt a migraine developing, reminding me to get out and hunt urgently. Blood is the only thing that keeps a vampire going and I had to get out and feed, Gabriel or no Gabriel.
I left the bathroom to get dressed. I had to learn to live on my own. I was meant to be a creature of the night, the bringer of death, but my co-dependent lifestyle had left me alone and vulnerable. I didn’t know how long it would be before we were together again, but something told me this wouldn’t be the last time I would be left to hunt alone. I had to learn to handle myself now.
I changed into one of my usual outfits and set out for one of the hundreds of busy streets London had to offer. Every person I passed looked at me adoringly. Despite the personal problems that were clogging up my mind I still had a powerful hold over humans. I could have made any one of them fall at my feet with just a glance, but this adoration went straight over my head. I didn’t want them to love me, I wanted Gabriel to love me.
I tried to remember my previous hunts. I usually let Gabriel point me in the right direction, but now I was left on my own. I had only been alone twice: once had led to the death which caused the first fight between us and the second was the night I killed Ben. Neither of those were particularly successful.
I stalked the streets and let the heartbeats wash over me, wave upon wave. My earlier moment with Gabriel had left me feeling groggy, dampening the beats as if they were struggling to break through an invisible force field.
On the corner of one of the busier streets I found a quaint French cafe. It had all the stereotypical French motifs: the stripes, the garlic, the extravagant and extortionate menu. It was obviously a popular place to eat as the crowds were bustling in and out of the building even at this late hour.
The conversation floated out from inside. I had never seen such happiness in one place. The couples held hands and smiled at one another as they discussed the future, the past and their happy memories. I felt as if every one of their smiles was directed at me. It was as if they were all trying to rub their happiness in my face and highlight my own miserable love life.
I wanted to kill every last one of them. That was sure to wipe the smiles from their happy faces.
I knew this was the right place. One of these perfect couples was going to surrender to me and I could feel my excitement growing. I wanted to show them just how destructive love could be.
There was a taxi rank just outside the restaurant and I leaned against the post, waiting patiently. Closing my eyes, I let the heartbeats grow. Nothing in particular stuck out, but then suddenly one stabbed through the barrier and stomped loudly around my mind. This was the one.
I turned around to pinpoint this person who had provoked my desire. Two young people were approaching the taxi rank, obviously a couple. The male was tall and gangly with a greyish blonde hairdo he had spiked up in a fashionable yet ridiculous style. He had a definition to his body that implied fitness, but of course his strength was no match for me.
The woman he was with was much shorter than him, closer to my own petite build. She was wearing a short, spangly dress covered in metallics and sequins. Her legs and arms were covered in orange fake tan so she screamed vanity. Her blonde roots had surfaced through her dark hair, adding another odd haircut to the pairing.
They were holding hands and she was smiling up at him, but I could sense unease in the boy. Something about him wasn’t sure about the relationship. He would be the one who was most easy to control.
Luckily no taxi was waiting to take them so I knew they would have to wait for a few precious moments. This was my window, my time to make a move. I scanned the street around me and saw a taxi approaching. My plan too shape in my head and I knew I would have to get in the taxi with this couple.
The tall boy hailed the approaching vehicle. I could see his eyes travel up and down my body as I approached and the heat almost radiated from him. He certainly found me aesthetically pleasing. The girl had the typical reaction that most girlfriends display when they see me: a mixture of jealousy, admiration and astonishment. Despite her restrictive humanity she had a strong connection to her companion and she could tell he was attracted to me, which put her on edge.
I smiled brightly and put on my most convincing human mask. “Hi. Sorry guys but could I share a taxi with you? It’s so hard to get one in this area.” I asked in what I hoped was a pleasant tone.
I could tell the boy was enamoured and even the girl’s distrust of me was being overshadowed by my allure. The male looked down at his girlfriend and she nodded begrudgingly. A taxi pulled up at the side of the road and I let the couple enter the car before I slipped in.
“I’ll handle this one, guys” I smiled at them and leaned around the driver’s seat. I pressed my lips against his ear and let all my energy pour into him. “Just. Drive.” I said.
I was using the gift of compulsion. I had only done it a few times that but I believed Gabriel when he told me I was a natural and, as I expected, the taxi driver set off with a glazed look on his face. “Quiet roads only.” I told him and he nodded obediently.
“So, what’s your name?” The boy asked, not noticing that the driver had started moving despite not being given a location.
I smiled again. My cheeks were beginning to tire with all of this false happiness. “Beth. Beth Reed.” It felt odd to use my dead sister’s name as an alias but that time in my life was so far behind me that it raised no real emotion.
The boy returned my friendly grin and wrapped an arm around his cold girlfriend. “I’m Angus and this is my girlfriend Becky.” He said.
He looked at her with love but behind his eyes there was still a layer of uncertainty, possibly even guilt. I was getting a more accurate picture of their lives the longer I spent with them, and I knew he was in the doghouse.
I was getting tired of putting on such a sweet act so I was happy to see the taxi driver pull on to a quieter road. Time to act. Becky looked out of the window, also noticing our change of surrounding.
“Um, Gus, this isn’t the way home” She said, her voice coated with worry.
As she turned to peer out of the window, an exquisite vein tightened on her neck and my fangs extended almost without me noticing. It seemed as if the vein was almost transparent. I could practically see the blood pumping around her body, the rhythm matching the steady beat I could hear in my head. It was tantalising. The red curtain was coming thick and fast and I had to clench my fists and use all of my willpower to stop myself from pouncing.
Just as the sight of that wonderful liquid became almost too much to bear, Angus turned to face me. His eyes opened wide in pure fear.
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