Don’t get me wrong, Gabriel is the only being, human or otherwise, who I have ever loved. The feelings I had for other people never came close to the way I felt about him.
From the age of 13 I dreamt about Gabriel. Most girls hit puberty and fantasise about being whisked away by the latest pop star or the attractive boy at school, but I had someone of my own. I had been mocked for my refusal to join in with the flirting and gossiping about local boys, but I found it pointless when I knew I had already experienced the kind of relationship they would never understand.
Many of the girls found my lack of interest strange, but it was more complex than they realised. It wasn’t that I didn’t find other boys attractive, far from it. I found many of the boys quite charming, Jared Foster being one of them, but when I pictured Gabriel everyone else disappeared. He had a glow which made everything else fade, like a great work of art placed next to a crude child’s drawing. I didn’t discover his true nature until I was 15, but I always knew he was someone special.
I couldn’t tell anyone about him. I knew that our relationship was something to be kept secret long before I knew why. Despite the secrecy, I never felt insecure. He visited me every 3 or 4 months and every time he assured me that he would return as soon as he could.
Long before I knew his true nature, I understood the reasons for our secrecy. For a start it would be impossible to tell anyone where we met. I had met him when he saved me from a murderer, but I had always insisted to authorities and my family that I didn’t know who had saved me. If I ever wanted to introduce him to anyone, that would raise more questions as we could only meet at night.
Even if we managed to bypass all of those questions, I was never clear on our relationship status. I knew I loved Gabriel with enough intensity to view him as my soul mate, but physically he was a 25 year old man. It would be incredibly disturbing for a 13 year old girl to introduce people to her 25 year old boyfriend, and I knew no-one would understand.
Over time I accepted that it was unlikely I could ever reveal our relationship or friendship, or whatever it was we had. It was just too complicated to ever talk about.
When I was 17 years old Gabriel and I kissed for the first time. I remember it perfectly. It was a the most love and tenderness I had felt in years. I had avoided any offers from young men in the 4 years since the massacre, just in case Gabriel ever returned my love. I was saving myself for him, as irrational as that seemed.
He visited me one night and called me down to the garden. We sat together for the whole night and just before he left he kissed me on the lips. The moment seemed to last for hours yet it was still over too quickly. I could have sat with my lips pressed against his for the entire night.
Even as a vampire, sitting alone on a bench because Gabriel had shunned me, I could still remember the excitement that first kiss had raised in my heart. My human blood had raced around my body, my breath caught in my throat and a fire seemed to rage through my skin.
After that night my dreams of Gabriel lost some of their purity. I was a hormonal teenage girl and all I longed to do was kiss him again. I wanted him to tell me he loved me and throw his arms around me like a couple in a cheesy romantic comedy. I wanted him to be with him in a way I’d never considered before.
Not long after that visit Gabriel came to me again again. He usually left months between visits but this was a matter of weeks. He sat me down on the patio, the same place once stained by my mother’s blood, and kissed me in the way I had already become addicted to.
I was bathing in bliss, until Gabriel told me the real reason for his sudden visit.
“I’m afraid I won’t be coming back for a while.”
“How long?” I asked, trying not to show how terrified I was.
“About a year.”
After that everything became a blur. I could barely live without him for 3 months, let alone a whole year. He was the only thing that had kept me ticking along since I was 13, and I was terrified by what might happen if I lost him.
I think I cried, but I’m not sure. I can’t remember much after Gabriel told me he wasn’t coming back. He said he would visit me again but that he had “business” to attend to. I didn’t know what this business was, but I felt insulted that it was more important to him than me.
I gripped his hands for the whole of that night and tried to pin him to the patio. I was willing to fight to keep him with me if it came to that. Of course my weak arms were no match for his incredible strength. I could barely match him after I was changed, let alone as a human.
Before he left he turned to me one last time, watching as I let my tears take over.
“If anything happens to you I’ll be able to feel it, and I’ll come running. Anything. I don’t know how long it will be and I don’t want you to regret anything about your life.”
I didn’t know where he was going with this. I was trying to ignore him, thinking that if I didn’t listen then it couldn’t be true.
“While I’m away I want you to live. I want you to get a boyfriend or some friends. I want you to act like a normal teenager. I won’t hold anything against you, I promise. If you choose to stay with me when I come back, then the slate will be clean. Just enjoy yourself, Louisa.”
Then he was gone.
It took me months to realise Gabriel was telling the truth as I had half expected him to be lying. I hoped desperately that he would dash back and kiss me, proclaiming that the whole thing was just a test, but he didn’t.
Jared was just another boy at my school. He was a pleasant kid, amiable and sweet and completely in love with me. He had asked me out once already. Despite me being a bit of an outcast he had asked me to the school disco the year before, but of course I had refused.
When Gabriel left I was completely shaken. I had often imagined him coming back but 3 months passed without any contact. The longest we’d gone between visits was 4 months, but in those times I had always known he was thinking about me. Now I couldn’t feel anything, and that was when I realised that I had to make a plan for a life without him.
When the Christmas ball arrived I decided to take Gabriel’s advice. I still thought about him almost every minute of the day, but I wanted to move on even if it was just to spite him.
I approached Jared and asked him to the ball, much to his surprise. I was known around school as a bit of a pariah when it came to boys. I had enough friends to get by but I had never once shown interest in a boy, yet here I was asking one of them out without any warning. I think it caused quite a stir but I was more interested in Gabriel’s opinion than my school friend’s.
If I had been a normal girl Jared would probably have seemed quite attractive. Even I could see a pleasant sweetness behind his eyes. In another world I may have asked him out with more serious intentions, and we might have made a good couple.
We attended the ball together and everything went well. He was a lovely boy and never said anything offensive, but his conversation was trivial. I guess I managed to fake interest in him because he was still infatuated with me by the end of the night.
Even though the date went well, my nights with Gabriel had left me craving something no human being could provide, something more mental than physical. I tried to forget him and focus on my new start. Jared was one of the nicest men I knew, and when he dropped me off at home that night I found myself saying yes to a second date.
Eventually, I let him kiss me. I don’t know if he ever realised my affection was purely for convenience, but he seemed happy either way. Our first kiss was exactly the same as every experience with Jared: sweet yet lacking anything extraordinary.
We dated for several months after that. As the days went by I became certain that Gabriel was never coming back. It reached 6 months without a peep from him and I had settled in to life as a “normal” girl. Jared was not only fulfilling Gabriel’s final wish to me but also acted as a comforting force. He loved me when no one else did, and I had convinced myself that was what I needed.
/> Our relationship seemed to boost my popularity to a more healthy level. I had previously been the strange, frosty girl whose family members were murdered. While I dated Jared, they referred to me as “the murder girl.” It probably doesn’t seem that positive, but it was a step up from my previous level.
Although our relationship never approached the strength of my bond with Gabriel, I settled in to life with Jared. We had been going out for 6 months when we attended the summer dance. It was a yearly ritual at the school and something I’d never been interested in, but I went with Jared to fulfil the role of a dutiful girlfriend.
That night Jared took me back to his home. He told me his parents were at a gathering in a nearby town and so we had the place to ourselves. If I wasn’t so far removed from normal teenage behaviour I would have been wise to Jared’s plans, but I was oblivious.
We lay down together on his bed and he told me he loved me. I kissed him to avoid lying to him in a fake gesture of love and for the time being he was satisfied.
I let myself become numb as Jared put his hand on my skin. The rest of the night was a blur. Jared was caring and considerate but I felt nothing but shame. Gabriel had told me to get a boyfriend and but I still felt like I was betraying him.
When I looked into his eyes all I saw was Gabriel. I tried to imagine him in Jared’s place to make the experience easier but Jared’s attempts were shaky at best, ruining my thoughts of Gabriel.
I pretended to enjoy myself. I kept going with the act that had formed the basis of our whole relationship. After it was over I let myself fall asleep in his bed but my shame hadn’t eased.
Before Gabriel had arrived in my life I had struggled with insomnia and nightmares of the murders, but he made everything seem real again. When he was around I fell asleep knowing he was watching me, and when he wasn’t I was soothed by thoughts of him.
The night I let Jared touch me was just the latest in a long line of sleepless nights. The insomnia was back and stronger than ever. If it hadn’t been for Jared, who at that point was sleeping like a baby by my side, I probably would have cried.
We stayed together for another month after our night together. The insomnia had grown steadily worse and his teenage hormones were making his love for me stronger. After much thought, I had decided to leave him. Even though Gabriel had abandoned me, I was still loyal to him. I felt as if I was betraying him. I thought that dumping Jared might be the first step to easing my guilt.
We sat on my porch and I told Jared I didn’t want to be with him anymore. He didn’t take the news particularly well. He shouted and tried to make me feel guilty, but it would never outweigh the shame I felt about betraying Gabriel.
When Jared realised he wasn’t going to change my mind, he grabbed me by the arms and the dynamic shifted. Something about the air around us seemed to twist and I could sense there was something else in the darkness around us.
I looked down to the end of the garden, the same place where I had first caught a glimpse of Gabriel. To my surprise, he was standing there again. It had been 10 months since our last meeting, but there was no doubt in my mind that it was him.
Jared didn’t know what caused the change in the atmosphere, but he could feel it. It unnerved him and he quickly left my house. I barely even noticed him leave as I was fixated on Gabriel.
He came to me and kissed me in the way I had so often imagined he would. I tried to explain to him why I’d been with Jared but my betrayal didn’t seem to have changed Gabriel’s feelings. He told me he loved me, for the first time, and pledged to never put me through that again.
From that night onwards everything went back to the way I had dreamed.
Chapter 19Jared carried on down the path. He seemed comfortable in this area, as if he lived here. As I took in his easy demeanour, the pieces of the jigsaw fell in to place.
I had been here before, with Jared to be precise. When you’re a child everyone is your friend, and so everyone is invited to your birthday party. I had visited this area with Jared for one such party. It hadn’t stuck in my mind as it had been part of the mass of events before the murders. I did have vague memories of the build up to the party. We had all boarded a coach to be taken to the house in the big city of London, owned by Jared’s grandmother.
I was still shocked to see Jared after all these years apart. After our break up I had fallen back into social obscurity. People eventually seemed to forget I had ever dated Jared. I caught him looking at me occasionally which told me he never fully forgot about me, but I ignored it. I knew that I had something better with Gabriel.
I left school at 18 and went to work in a local hotel on reception. Jared had moved away with a big internship lined up. I had never expected to see him again, but here he was.
Before I realised it my feet began to move. My mind was no longer directing me, everything was just instinct. My feet barely touched the pathway so I knew Jared wouldn’t notice me unless I chose to reveal myself.
That was the question on my mind: should I talk to him or not? More than 3 years had passed since the last time I had seen him, and we hadn’t parted on the best terms. I thought it might help to see someone who had once loved me. I craved affection more than ever since Gabriel had cast me aside, and maybe Jared could provide that. Then again, he came from my long forgotten time of childhood innocence. I didn’t know if I was ready to face that time again.
Once again it seemed my body was making the decision for me. I was speeding up and my steps were becoming heavier. Any second now and I would be side by side with my only human lover.
He looked pretty good. I could smell him and despite being 21 he still retained the heavy scent of testosterone and deodorant that hangs around teenage boys. I found it almost endearing to see how little he’d changed over the years.
I steadied myself for whatever was coming, whatever reaction Jared would have. I reached out to touch Jared’s soft, lumberjack style shirt. With this intrusion, he whipped around to face me.
I had never seen such surprise in someone’s eyes. It was completely different from the shock when someone saw my true, vampiric face. This was surprise in a happy way. It had been a long time since anyone was happy to see me and my worry about seeing Jared suddenly flew away. The smile I plastered on my face was almost real.
“Louisa? Louisa Reed? Oh my god.” He threw his arms around me.
My face was forced into the crook of his shoulder. The smell radiating from him was familiar and tantalising. It took all my strength to push away the red curtain and keep my fangs in check, but I pulled away and carried on with my human act.
“Jared Foster, well I’ll be damned.” I laughed at the irony. I already was damned. “It’s been, what, three years? How have you been?”
That was a loaded question and I knew it. Although I had pulled myself away from Jared’s life after we broke up, I knew he had held a candle for me right until the end of school. Feelings and memories as complex as his don’t go away overnight.
“Not too bad. I’ve been working in an IT job for a while. I moved down here not long after we finished school. My grandmother’s kind of old now so I was just leaving her place. You remember my birthday party here? We must have been ten, eleven maybe?” He laughed.
His laugh lit up the darkness around us as if it had it’s own colour. This man was so full of life and vitality. Part of me, the tiny shred of humanity which had grabbed hold of my human memories as a life line, was jealous of his youth and optimism.
“Yeah. I remember.” I didn’t feel like anything else was necessary. The silence that came after was bursting with tension of every kind.
Whenever I looked in his eyes I saw the pangs of a forgotten love and a youthful crush. I felt a painful awkwardness coming from him and I could tell his luck in love hadn’t improved much.
Although I didn’t want to admit it, there was also an undercurrent of attraction. I could feel his eyes brushing over my risque outfit. He tried not to look, like the gentle
men he was, but I could sense the tiny lapses as he glanced down at my petite figure.
I didn’t love him. I couldn’t possibly love someone so far beneath me, it was impossible. Vampires don’t feel love in the same way as humans. Gabriel’s love for me as a human had been different, and very rare. I couldn’t deny that I felt something for Jared, and I could tell that he still felt something for me, but it was just down to nostalgia.
It was Jared who broke the silence.
“So, are you living in London now? Do you have a boyfriend down here?” I could hear him gulp before the word boyfriend came out. I honestly didn’t know how to answer that anymore.
“Yeah I’m living in an apartment complex a few miles away. One of the new places. It’s nice, different from back home.” I paused.
I didn’t know what Gabriel was to me anymore but I couldn’t express all my doubts to a measly human.
“I’m living with someone. We’re together, I suppose.” I decided to be honest with him, and with myself. “It’s complicated.”
This was the first time I had spoken my true feelings out loud and for a moment my guard was down. I was letting Jared see the hidden part of me and this was far too dangerous. A true killer should never let their guard down like that. I shook it off and put on my fake smile again.
“ This might be weird, after all this time, but do you want to come round to my flat? There’s a taxi rank on the next street and it’s only a couple of minutes in the car. Completely innocent, I swear.” He said.
Something in his voice seemed less than innocent but I could still smell that comforting, homely scent and I felt my stomach gurgling. I couldn’t say no to a potential meal, especially one with such a connection to me. I nodded and let him lead me to his home.
He was right about the taxi ride. To a human it would have been swift but to me it felt excrutiatingly slow. I fidgeted awkwardly throughout the ride but eventually we reached his flat.
It was a small apartment. It wasn’t quite small enough to be classed as a studio, but it was definitely a bachelor pad with no room for a family or a partner. In short, it was exactly the boy’s pad I had come to expect of men his age.
The Embrace Page 16