by Karan Thapar
“Nanaji.” My nephew Siddo once proclaimed when he was ten, “Kya mere pad, pad, pad dada Babar ke dhobhi the?”
Had he worn moustaches, Daddy’s would have bristled. Siddo was his first grand child but this was a matter of family honour.
“Baby.” He would shout at my sister. “What is this nonsense you’re teaching the boy?”
A decade later, when I got married, my sister Premila told Nisha she ought to name our first son Gajju.
“What sort of name is that?” asked Nisha, blissfully unaware of its significance.
“Ah.” Premila replied. “Everything flows from him. He’s the original wonder responsible for the family chain.”
Thereafter for years, the awaited sprog was referred to as Baby Gajju. Perhaps that’s why he was never born. Children are deeply sensitive and the prospect of carrying a silly name was probably enough to drive the foetus back into the womb!
In fact, it was only for the first few months that the family took seriously Romilla’s discovery of our origins. Once the novelty wore off, interest started to wane. After all, we weren’t maharanas nor did my ancestors influence great decisions. Although in recent times, my grandfather was elevated to Diwan Bahadur after Independence, that’s best forgotten. So, I daresay, none of us is going to publish a history of the family.
Yet few pastimes are more absorbing than rummaging through the family’s forgotten closets. Sit down with your parents (or grandparents) and start asking questions. You’ll be fascinated by the stories that pop out. Even if you don’t publish a history to beat Arvind Mewar’s, you will find out a lot you never knew. And you’ll have a lot of fun too.
6
When a Pink Pig Means “I’m Sorry”
The nicest apology I ever received was from my late wife, Nisha. At the time, we had been married five years, both of us were working and Saturday afternoon was when the household shopping was done. Nisha hated it. I actually looked forward to it. I would fill the shopping trolley with biscuits and jams, cheeses and chocolates and ice cream. Oh yes and crisps too, particularly Tacos and Tortilla corn chips. In those days, proper food bored me but junk made my mouth water. Nisha was far more practical. In her eyes, my tastes were not only silly but wasteful. I would stuff the kitchen cupboard with food that would lie uneaten. She would throw it out and I would start all over again.
I don’t recall how it happened but one Saturday, her patience snapped.
“Oh for Pete’s sake.” She screamed. “Why can’t you be sensible? You aren’t a bloody child any longer. Lets eat healthily instead of all this plastic junk.”
The argument over the groceries was sufficient to provoke a full-fledged fight. That’s usually how married couples quarrel. Little inconsequential incidents lead to big bust-ups. Then, all hell breaks lose.
Nisha’s temper was slow to ignite but once the fuse had caught, an explosion was unavoidable. Her memory would dredge-up old forgotten slights and each recollection would fuel afresh her sense of hurt.
Eventually, her anger would end with exhaustion and then she would sulk. Hours, even days could pass in silence. I’d try to make conversation, she would rebuff me. I’d try again, she would ignore me. I’d apologise, she would be unforgiving. Eventually, I would start snapping but that would only make her feel vindicated. Then, she would sulk even more. It was a vicious cycle.
However, on this occasion, the fight developed differently. I decided to sulk too. Together, we sulked in silence right through Saturday night. Early Sunday, Nisha left for New York. As a banker, she travelled frequently. My gamble was that separation would make our hearts grow fonder but I was also determined to stick it out to the end.
That night, she rang me. I was out and she left a message on the answering machine. Although the word sorry was never used, it was meant to be an apology. I ignored it.
There was a second call the next morning at work. I pretended to be on the other line and asked a colleague to say I would call back. Of course I didn’t. She rang again later at night but I was hiding behind the answering machine.
In retrospect, as I write about it, it sounds like a simple game. But, honestly, my attempt to copy Nisha’s sulking wasn’t easy. People like me with short tempers get over them quickly. Thereafter, one wants to talk to one’s wife. Yet I held out for six full days. On the seventh, a Sunday, I was sleeping late. The good thing about the Lord’s day in London is that nothing happens before noon. So it was a little strange to wake up with a soft cuddly creature tickling my nose.
“KT Baba, look what I’ve got for you.”
It was Nisha. She was back from New York. She had let herself in, silently crept downstairs and was standing by the bed with a glove puppet in her hands. It was a little pink pig.
“Look, look Baba.”
The name ‘Baba’ was her way of reminding me I was a child. She meant it with affection but it was a telling endearment. Only wives can so effectively mix the jejune with the judgemental.
“A pig?” I asked refusing to be won over. “Why have you bought me a pig?”
Nisha smiled. I suddenly realised I’d walked into a trap.
“Because he looks just like you,” She answered, “and you behave exactly like him!”
I suppose the point about apologies is not the word ‘sorry’. That’s only the form. The content has to do with the emotion of making-up. Without that, an apology is a mechanical exercise and not a heartfelt response. In that sense, it’s a bit like thank you. ‘Thanks’ has become a phrase we frequently but meaninglessly mouth without actually feeling anything. Convention and etiquette determine its usage rather than actual sentiment.
In fact, a strange law governs our apologies and thank you’s. We are always prompt to thank for the big presents or large acts of help. But the little kindnesses, the small, telling, thoughtful gestures, usually pass without recognition. The opposite is true of our apologies. For the small silly incidents that happen accidentally, we are quick to say sorry. But where hurt is actually caused or offence given, an apology is rarely forthcoming.
Often we say sorry or thanks without thinking. It’s the unavoidable that prompts our thanks just as it is the insignificant that elicits our apology. But where either would really count our silence can be damning.Why?
My answer may be idiosyncratic but I believe I am not wrong. The ‘big’ sorry is an attempt at contrition, at making-up and that’s not easy. One can’t fake it. Similarly, the ‘small’ thank you for a little gesture or a passing kindness requires sensitivity, awareness, reciprocal thoughtfulness. That too is not easy. Not because we don’t feel them but because we don’t know how to handle such emotions. We shy away rather than acknowledge and embrace them.
In reverse, the ‘big’ thank you is unavoidable. Think about it. Is it possible you might not say thanks for a present or a promotion or a party? Equally, the ‘small’ sorry is cost free. When you really aren’t to blame and the other fellow knows that too, saying sorry is both easy and meaningless.
That’s why both phrases trip off the tongue so lightly when they mean so little. But when they would count there’s usually silence.
Of course, we all can’t go around giving people pink pigs and there will be many occasions when shyness or social ineptness will prevent a proper thank you. But my point is different. We can try. It won’t be easy and often you will simply forget. But when you remember and overcome your initial hesitation, you will feel good for it. Saying sorry (and meaning it) can be cathartic. Saying thank you, particularly when it wasn’t expected, can make you feel better.
Index
Abdullah, Farooq 199
Adelaide 183
Adhikari, Markand 165
Advani, L.K. 7, 8, 155, 156, 157, 197
Advani, Kamla 156, 157
Afghanistan 28, 29, 30, 99, 100, 101, 102, 133, 190, 192, 193
Africa 178
Ahmedabad 38, 39, 40
Aitken, Gillon 8
Akbar, M.J. 21, 110
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br /> Ambedkar, B.R. 176
America 12, 178, 190, 193, 196,
Amin 102
Amritsar 71
Andheri 79
Anne, Princess 136, 137
Apte, Narayan 17
Aravamudhan, K.(referred to as Aru) 79
Aslam, Tasnim 148, 149
Azad, Chandrashekhar 16
Australia 97
Bangalore 43, 106
Bangladesh 34, 71
Barcelona 92, 93, 94, 122
Bengal 19
Bhutto, Benazir 42, 54
Bhogle, Harsha 50
Birla, Kumar Mangalam 47, 48, 49, 51
Bombay 71
Buckingham Palace 135, 218
Bukhari, Shujaat 198
Burma 71
Bush, George 146
Calcutta 64, 152
Callaghan, Prime Minister 117
Cambridge 11, 137, 138
Canberra 113
Chennai 95
Chirag 114
Colombo 95, 97, 103
Connaught Place 55
Coonoor 72
Copenhagen 121, 122, 123, 124
Das, Jatin 16
Defence Colony 133
Dehra Dun 32, 71
Delhi 5, 20, 24, 30, 64, 79, 103, 108, 110, 111, 113, 114, 120, 122, 123, 149, 179, 196, 199, 203, 213
Denmark 124
Desai, Manjari 165
Deva, Premila (referred to as Premila) 225
Deva, Siddharth (referred to as Siddo) 225
Dev, Kapil 204
Dharamsala 56
Din Panah 114
Dixit, Madhuri 67, 68, 69
Dubai 95
Dutt, Sanjay 63, 64, 65, 66
Dwivedi, Sharada 143
England 21, 116
Ershad, General 36, 37
Europe 95, 121, 178
Faridabad 59
Fernandes, George 162
Firozpur 11
Firuzabad 114
Gajju, Baba 224, 225
Gandhi, Indira 38, 41, 42, 191
Gandhi, Mahatma 14, 16, 17, 19, 21
Gandhi, Rajiv 38,
Ganguly, Sourav 58, 59
Gauri 14, 18
Gavaskar, Sunil 204, 205,
George VI, King 218
Ghazni 102
Giri, V.V. 153
Goa 177
Godse, Nathuram 17
Gogia, Additional DCP 61, 62
Gowon, General 137
Gupta, Irene 77
Habiba, Princess 133, 134
Haridwar 32
Herat 102
Hiroshima 196
Hong Kong 183
Humayra, Queen 134
Hyderabad 50, 67
India 11, 12, 14, 15, 16, 24, 29, 33, 93,
97, 49, 179, 193, 195, 197, 199,
209, 217
Indraprastha 114
Islamabad 10, 31, 42, 54, 108, 196
Isle of Serendip 104
Jahanpanah 114
Jaitley, Arun 198
Jamia Milia Islamia 61, 66
Jay, Peter 117
Jha, Prem Shankar 198
Jinnah, Mohammed Ali 16, 19, 20, 21, 185
Kabul 26, 27, 30, 99, 101, 133, 134, 190, 192, 193
Kamani 63, 64
Kamaraj, DCP 61, 62
Kandahar 102
Karachi 196
Karzai, Hamid 26, 27, 28, 29, 180
Kashmir 23, 29, 55, 198, 200
Kasuri, Khurshid 10, 11, 12, 13, 109
Katiyar, Vinay 176
Khan, Fardeen 76, 77, 78, 80
Khan, Jehangir 205
Khan, Roshan 205
Khan, Shah Rukh (SRK) 22, 24, 25, 73, 74, 75
Kohli, Sunita 153
Kolkata 95, 196
Kuala Lumpur 110
Kumaratunga, Chandrika 42, 43, 103, 104, 105
Kunduz 101
Lagos 187
Lahore 196
Lakshman Jhula 32
Lal Kot 114
Lama, Dalai 56, 57, 58, 59
La Rambla 92
Laxman, Bangaru 129
Laxman, R.K. 81, 82, 83
Laxman, V.V.S. 49, 50, 51
Libya 188, 189
London 20, 33, 65, 113, 117, 122, 123, 125, 161, 215, 220, 227
Loren, Sophia 68
Mackay, Tan 143
Malaysia 111
Mandela, Nelson 16
Manekshaw, Field Marshall Sam 70, 71, 72
Margarethe, Queen 137
Marseilles 15
Mayawati 176
McEwan, Ian 207
Mcleodganj 56, 57
Meditrranean coast 91
Melly, George 206
Menon, Krishna 71
Mewar, Arvind 143, 144, 224, 225
Mewar, Bootie 143
Mirosevic, Katya 133
Modi, Narendra 175, 176, 177
Mohammed, Abdul 93
Mojadedi, Sibghatullah 26
Mubarakabad 114
Mufti, Mehbooba 198
Mukherjee, Mridula 16
Mumbai 64, 65, 95
Musharraf, Pervez 22, 23, 24, 25, 32, 34, 108, 175, 178, 179, 180
Mussoorie 32
Mustafa, Seema 164
Naipaul, Vidia 8, 9
Napier, Sir Charles 205
Narayanan, K.R. 152
Nehru, Jawaharlal 17, 19, 21, 83
Nene, Shriram 69
New york 95, 112, 227
Nigeria (n) 188, 189
Nizamuddin 133
Ottawa 113
Oxford 218
Padgaonkar, Dileep 164
Paget, General 218
Paghman 101
Pakistan 10, 12, 19, 20, 29, 32, 33, 54, 55, 71, 99, 100, 107, 109, 148, 149, 176, 184, 185, 186, 195, 196, 198, 199, 200
Palam 61
Pandit, Vijayalakshmi 220
Pant, Vishal 7, 49, 50, 58, 62, 74, 77
Patel, Vallabhai 17
Peshawar 191
Philip, Prince 137, 220
Pindi 34
Poorie, Aroon 158
Qazi, Abidah 31
Qazi, Ashraf 31, 32, 33, 155, 156, 157
Qila Feroze Shah 114
Quetta 30
Qutub Minar 115
Rai, Aishwarya 78, 79, 80
Rai, General 214
Ramesh, Jairam 198, 200
Rawalpindi 25, 196
Razmak 146
Rishikesh 32
Roshan, Hrithik 61, 62
Rushdie, Salman 88
Sahai, Ratna 143
Sahgal, Arjun (referred to as Arjun)138, 139, 140
Santoshi, Raj Kumar 67
Sardesai, Rajdeep 198
Savarkar, Veer 14, 15, 16, 17, 18
Scandinavia 122
Scindia, Madhav Rao 3, 4, 5, 6
Sen, Amartya 7, 8
Sen, Surya 16
Sethi, Najam 184, 185
Seth, Vikram 86, 87, 88
Shah, Zahir 99, 102, 134
Shanghai 112
Shari-e-Nau 26
Sharma, Ajay Raj 61
Siachen 55
Singapore 110, 112
Singh, Bhagat 16
Singh, Ganga Maharaja 144
Singh, Gopal (referred to as Gopal) 60
Singh, Harbhajan 50
Singh, Khushwant 84, 85, 114, 115
Singh, Nirmal (referred to as Nirmal) 27
Singh, Patwant 52, 53
Singh, Pritam (referred to as Preetam) 129, 130, 131
Singh, Sanjay 165
Singh, Shobha Deepak 87
Singh, Zail 153
Sircar, Aveek 87
Siri 114
South Africa 58
South Asia 95
Spain 93, 94
Spooner, Reverend 118, 206
Srinagar 199
St.Petersburg 146
Streep, Meryl 68
Sulaiman, M.A. 133, 134
Swaraj, Sushma 181, 182
Tagore, Sharmila 63, 64, 65, 66
Tarakki 102
Taylor, Elizabeth 68
Temple de la Sagrada Familia 93
Thapar, Bimla (nee) Bashiram (referred to as Mummy) 75, 134, 213, 218, 219
Thapar, General Pran Nath (referred to as Daddy) 213, 214, 218, 219
Thapar, Nisha 161, 221, 222, 225, 226, 227
Thapar, Romilla 224
Thapar, Valmik (referred to as Valu) 150, 151, 152
Thatcher, Margaret 179
Thomson, Alexander 91
Thomson, Lord 117
Tibet 56
Toronto 112
Udaipur 144
Upadhyay, Ashok 31, 77, 108, 109
Vajpayee, Atal Behari 7, 8, 21, 38, 39, 40, 108, 146, 147, 175, 178, 179, 180
Verma, Kapil 27
Wadia, Maureen 48
Walden, Brian 136, 137
Wali, Shah Marshall 99
Washington 113, 117, 132, 134
Westminster 117
Wickrematunga, Lasantha 104, 105
Yoginikpura 114
Yousuf, Abidah 100
Yousuf, General 100
Yousuf, Mariam 100
Zia, General ul-Haq 34, 35, 36