And I’d beg her to love me again, Riley be damned.
I walked Riley to his car with my mind a million miles away on the motorcyclist that I was ninety-nine percent sure had been Finn. I hadn’t seen his face or anything, but there was no doubt in my mind that I’d seen Finn today.
Same type of bike. Same type of build. Same helmet.
“You’re thinking about that guy on the bike, aren’t you?” Riley asked, his voice level. “I saw him, you know. Before he put the helmet on.”
I stopped walking. “Wait. What?”
“I know you’re not mentioning it because you don’t want to hurt my feelings, but you’re dying to know if it was Finn.” He met my eyes. He looked so handsome in the sunlight. So tall and perfect. It almost made me sick to my stomach just looking up at him. “I can tell you, if you want.”
I sucked in a shaky breath. “I’m sorry. I know you want—”
“Sh.” He hugged me close, resting his cheek on the top of my head. It was intimate and yet withdrawn at the same time. “We both know what I want, but it doesn’t mean you have to give it to me. If you still have feelings for him…”
“Sometimes, I wish you were Finn. That you’d been sent here to protect me, not him.” I rested my hands on his arms. “It would be so much easier.”
“Me too.” He tilted my face up to his. “Maybe you could move on from the past at some point, though? From his hold over you?”
I swallowed past my aching throat. I wasn’t sure how to answer that. “I don’t know. He still owns the majority of my feelings; I know that. I don’t know what I feel for him anymore, but he fills my head all the time.”
“Fair enough.” He stared at my mouth, his eyes darkening. “How about one more kiss before I go?”
Before I could answer, his lips were on mine again. He kissed me, and it felt good. I even felt a little bit of desire stirring within me. But it just wasn’t Finn.
It wasn’t fair.
He deepened the kiss, his tongue touching mine. Even though I wanted to pull away, to end it, I kissed him back. Heck, I even pulled him closer. I owed it to both of us to at least try to feel something here. To try to get over Finn. Something within me came to life, a small flicker of something, but it almost wasn’t strong enough to notice.
I curled my hands behind his neck, moaning into his mouth, and he crushed me against his chest. When he groaned and cupped my butt, hauling me closer against his erection, desire hit me pretty hard, but it didn’t feel right. Panic crept up my throat, choking me. I gasped and lurched back, my hand covering my mouth. “I’m s-sorry. I can’t. N-Not yet.”
“I’m sorry. I got carried away.” He gave me a small smile. “But that was perfect. Just perfect, Carrie.”
Yeah. Perfect. “I know. It was…nice.” Nice won’t make you scream out in bed, Ginger. “Unexpected, even.”
He grinned. “I’ll take it.”
“Riley…” My heart wrenched. “Was it him?”
The grin slipped away. I felt like crap for asking, but I had to know. He slid his shades in place. “Yeah. It was Finn. He looked better than the last time we saw him. More whole.” He looked away. “Are you going to get back together with him now?”
“No.” I shook my head for emphasis. “Absolutely not. He’s over me.”
Riley hesitated. “I’m killing my own case here, but I have to be honest or I’ll never be able to live with myself. The way he looked at you today? He didn’t look over you. He looked like he wanted you back, Carrie.”
A small thrill shot through me, but I stifled it. He’d hurt me. Broke my heart. Even if he was regretting it now, it didn’t mean I would fall into his arms and hug him.
My heart was still broken.
“Well, it’s a little too late for that now.” I crossed my arms and forced a smile. If I were smart, I’d fall for Riley. I’d forget all about the boy who’d broken my heart. If only my darn heart would get the memo. “Thanks for visiting me this weekend. I had fun.”
“Should we do it again soon?”
I hesitated. My heart said no, but my mind screamed yes. “You know I’m still not over him, right? I can’t commit to you fully yet.”
“But you could in the future? I could definitely work with those odds. I’m a gambling man when the occasion calls for it.”
I bit down on my lip. “I want to, but I can’t promise anything.”
“Especially since he’s back.”
“That’s not why—”
“Carrie. I get it. You loved him, and still do—maybe, kind of, sort of.” He cupped my cheek, his thumb resting on my chin. It made me think of how Finn used to do something similar, but he’d run his thumb over my lower lip instead. My stomach clenched tight at the memory. “Those feelings might come back to the front if he comes to see you. And if that does happen, that’s okay. I know what I’m up against, but unless you get back together with him? I’m not going anywhere. I’m determined to throw my hat in the ring, or whatever people say nowadays.”
Tears filled my eyes, but I laughed. “You’re too good for me.”
Funny. Finn used to say that to me all the time. I finally understood what he meant now. Hindsight was twenty-twenty, after all.
“Nah. I’m just patient and understanding and…okay, maybe I’m a little too good.” He kissed me, smiling against my lips when I laughed again. “I’ll call you later this week to see if you want to get together. No pressure or anything, but I’ll be expecting a yes. Don’t break my heart, Carrie.”
I shook my head at his teasing. “Okay.”
After watching him drive away, I headed back toward my dorm. Hernandez stepped out from the shadows once I got close to him, a disinterested look in his eyes. “Here.”
“Um…thanks.” I took what he handed to me. It was a small rose. “You’re giving me a rose?”
He rolled his eyes. “No. Read the little paper.”
I opened the tiny scrap of paper that someone had wrapped around it. Keep smiling. I looked up at Hernandez, feeling more confused than anything. “Who gave you this?”
“No one. I found it on your car, so I took it off to make sure it wasn’t a death threat or something.”
I blinked down at it. It was yellow. Yellow roses were my favorite. “Maybe it was from Riley?”
He looked away. “Maybe,” he mumbled. “So. What’s next for today?”
I sniffed the rose and walked toward my car. “I don’t know.” I stole a glance at him. “Have you seen Marie this morning? Is she back at the dorm?”
“I don’t know. Last I saw, she was out with some guy getting coffee.” Hernandez tightened his fists. “She was wearing the same clothes she had on last night.”
“Oh. That must have been Sean. He seems like a nice enough guy.” When Hernandez clenched his jaw, I looked over at him. “You know, if you want her, you should just ask her out before she gets serious with some other guy—maybe even Sean. Right now, they’re having fun. There aren’t feelings involved or anything.”
He gave me an incredulous look. “Why in the hell would I want to do that?”
“Because you seem to like her. And believe it or not? I think she likes you, too.” I stopped at my door. “You should ask her out already. We’d planned on doing a double date when Finn came home, if you recall. We can’t double-date anymore, but you could take her out without me.”
He frowned at me. “Yeah, I don’t think so. We would be horrible together.”
“If you say so.”
“I do.” He leaned on the passenger side. “So, you staying in, or going out?”
“Um…” I looked up at the sky. It was a pretty warm day, and there was a good breeze for an early spring morning. I hadn’t been surfing since…well, since Finn. Suddenly, it seemed like the best idea ever to get out there again. To do something that I hadn’t done in months. To get back to living. “Actually, I’m going to go surfing.”
His brows slammed down. “You can’t. Finn said you’re not allowed to go ou
t without him.”
“He did, yes, back when he was my bodyguard and my boyfriend. He isn’t either of those things anymore.” I raised my brows. “So why should it matter? It’s irrelevant.”
“Carrie…” He frowned. “You can’t go out there alone. Finn had his reasons for not wanting you out there alone, no matter where he is or what he’s doing now.”
Or who he’s doing it with, I added in my head.
“Yeah, well, I don’t care what his reasons are. I’m an adult, and he isn’t my boss, boyfriend, or father.” I crossed my arms, the rose still in my hand. “Last time I checked, he didn’t have any say on what I did with myself. Not since he walked away. If I want to surf, I’ll freaking surf. You can’t stop me.”
He dropped his head back and glared up at the sky. “Days like this? I hate my fucking job even more.”
“Sorry.” I opened the door. “But I’m going anyway.”
I climbed up the stairs, feeling free. Feeling light. And for the first time in a while, I was excited about something. I pushed open my door and headed for my bikini and wetsuit. Marie sat on the bed, reading a biology book. “Hey. Whatcha doing?”
“I’m going surfing.” I grinned over my shoulder at her and tossed the yellow rose on my pillow. “What are you up to besides doing the walk of shame at a coffee shop?”
She flushed. “Nothing like that happened. I just fell asleep at Sean’s place.” Then she paused. “Wait. How did you know I got coffee this morning?”
“Besides the cup in your hand? Hernandez saw you.” I yanked my shirt over my head. “You might want to look away. I’m about to be naked.”
She huffed and turned away. “Why the hell is he watching me now? Who does he think he is? He doesn’t work for my dad.”
“I don’t think he was watching you.” I took my bra off and slipped the bikini in its place. “He just happened to come across you.”
“Well, he can just happen to kiss my ass, too.” Marie set her coffee down hard. “Is he out there?”
“Yep. He’s pissed because I’m surfing.”
She stood up. She had on a pair of short shorts and combat boots, paired with a flowing purple tank top. She looked beautiful in her anger. It brought a color to her cheeks that had been missing before. “He’s about to be even more pissed after I’m done with him.”
She stormed out without another word. I blinked after her.
“Okay, then,” I muttered. After I finished changing, I grabbed my board and headed downstairs. I passed Cory, but ignored him. We were so done, no matter how much he knew about me. My bullshit meter had filled up and overflowed. I came through the doors just in time to see Marie stomping away from Hernandez. He watched her with a confused look on his face, shaking his head. I almost felt sorry for him.
I walked right by him. “I’m going now.”
“I don’t like this.” He walked beside me, glaring the whole time. “You shouldn’t be out there alone.”
“I’ll be fine. Turns out, I kinda like being alone. There’s no one to boss me around, and no one to let down. ” I flipped my hair over my shoulder and unlocked the car. “You can watch from the beach if you’d like. Want a ride?”
He sighed. “Sure. Why not?”
The whole time we drove to the beach, my heart raced. I was actually going to do this. Go out there without Finn. It was exhilarating. Scary. Fun. And more importantly, it would prove I didn’t need him anymore. I didn’t need him to have fun. If I could do this, well, I could move on. I could be free of him.
Maybe, with time, I could even be happy again.
I pulled into my normal spot. There weren’t a lot of people out there in the water. It was too late for optimal waves, but I didn’t care. I was going to have fun anyway. I hopped out of my car and grabbed my board, closing my eyes and inhaling the fresh beach smell. On the West Coast, it smelled so clean. Crisp, even. The waves crashed on the sand, creating a soothing sound that never ceased to calm my nerves. Today was no exception. I kicked off my flip-flops, eager to get my bare toes in the sand again.
Hernandez shoved his phone in his pocket and scanned the beach. “Where do you surf?”
“Out there.” I pointed to my normal spot. It’s where Finn had always taken me, and I couldn’t imagine going anywhere else. Maybe it was habit; maybe it was sentiment. Maybe I was a glutton for punishment. All I knew was I liked the memories, as painful as they might be at times. “See? There’s even a bench over there where you can sit and watch.”
He nodded. “Don’t kill yourself, or he’ll kill me.”
“Don’t worry, my dad will never know you let me surf,” I called over my shoulder, tossing my flip-flops at him. “Hold these, will ya?”
“Yes, ma’am,” he called out sarcastically. “Want me to braid your hair and tell you all my secrets, too?”
I ignored him, grinning as I headed for the surf. As soon as my feet touched the water, I laughed out loud. This was it. This was what I’d needed today. I swam out to the optimal surfing point and climbed on my board. Wringing my hair out, I tilted my face up to the sun, letting it all soak in. Letting the freedom hit me.
I could do this. I could move on. Get over him.
Try again.
“Hey, Ginger.” A shadow fell over me, and for a second I thought I was imagining things again. Hearing things. “You know you’re not supposed to be out here alone.”
I opened my eyes slowly, as if I might find out I’d imagined the whole thing if I dared to peek. It was him. Finn. My heart lurched, painfully accelerating so hard it seemed as if it was trying to jump out of my chest and back into his hands where it used to be.
I scanned him, looking for any signs of the haunted man he’d used to be. He still had the scars. Still looked tired as hell. His brown hair had grown in a bit; looking about the same length as it had been last time he’d gone to drill. And his arm was out of the cast. He wasn’t wearing dog tags. In fact, he wore nothing but his black wetsuit and a cautious look in his eyes. He looked good. Healthy. Happy.
Holy. Freaking. Crap.
I watched her, my heart pounding in my ears full speed ahead. I hadn’t been planning on saying hello to her. I’d been planning on watching her from far, far away. Hernandez had texted me to let me know she was going out in the water, and I’d rushed so I could get there before her. Waiting. Watching. Guarding.
The usual.
But then I’d seen her, sitting in the sun, looking pretty as hell with her wild red hair blowing in the breeze, and something inside me had broken. Maybe it was something that had been holding me back, restraint even. But now that she was out here, in my territory, there was no holding back.
Her hair was longer, reaching all the way down to the small of her back while wet, and it looked even darker than before since it was damp. Her blue eyes looked bluer than I remembered, too. Fucking gorgeous. That’s what she was. She was perfection, while I was not. I was finally starting to be okay with that fact, though. That I wasn’t perfect and never would be.
She was just staring at me.
Finally, she seemed to snap out of it. She licked her gorgeous lips, her gaze skimming over me all over again. Did she like what she saw? I’d grown my hair longer for her. It helped camouflage my scar a little. That had to help my appearance somewhat.
She shook her head slightly. When she spoke, her voice came out hoarse. “You…You’re here.”
“I am.” I tugged on my hair, watching her. “I’ve been here for a while, actually. A little over a month now, I guess. Maybe two.”
It had been two months, one day, three hours, and twelve minutes, to be exact. She didn’t say anything. Just stared at me, not moving besides the lull of the waves that made her board sway. I cleared my throat. “Did you get my flower?”
She blinked at that. “That was from you?”
“Yeah.” I rubbed my head. “I left it on your car earlier.”
“W-Why?”
I shrugged. “Because I wanted t
o.”
“I…see. Why come back out here?” She met my eyes again. “Instead of staying in D.C.?”
“There’s nothing for me in D.C. anymore.”
She cocked her head. “And there’s something for you here?”
“Yes.” You. I love you. Take me back. Forgive me. Make me whole again. “The weather’s nicer. And there’s surfing. Hernandez. My bike…” You.
“I see.” She stared at me, not moving. “You—” She cleared her throat. “You look good. Better. Are you?”
I couldn’t believe she was being so damn polite. “Thanks. Yeah, I am.” My heart twisted and turned. “You look beautiful, as always. So fucking beautiful.”
“Th-Thank you.” She took a deep breath, color slowly coming back to her cheeks. “I don’t know what to say to you right now. This feels weird.”
I tried to smile at her. It probably came across as a grimace mixed with a grin. It hurt to feel so damn awkward around her. We’d never been like this. “A little bit, yeah. But we’ve never had to deal with the aftermath of…after saying all that we said.”
“And you never snuck away in the middle of the night on me, either,” she said slowly, her bright eyes still on me.
“About that?” I looked down at my hands. Should I tell her it was all a lie? That I’d been trying to save her from me? Would she even fucking care? Time to find out. “I fucked up. I never meant—”
“Don’t.” She glared at me. Now she was pissed. This is what I’d expected to see. “Don’t go apologizing or backpedaling. And don’t you dare try to take it back. You said how you felt, and you left. I shouldn’t have even brought it up. You caught me off guard, is all.” She let her hand fall back to the board. “I wasn’t expecting to see you out here. Actually, I wasn’t expecting to see you at all. I told you not to check on me, remember? Said I didn’t want to see you again.”
Yeah. I remembered. But I couldn’t stay away. “I’m sorry. I really am.” I twisted my lips. “It’s not safe for you to be surfing alone. You know that, Ginger.”
She lifted her chin, her blue eyes flaring with anger and maybe a hint of something else. Sadness, maybe. “I’m fine on my own, thank you very much. I’ve been just fine without you here watching over me, and I’ll continue to be fine. I don’t need you watching me to make sure I don’t drown. I have Hernandez.”
Out of Mind Page 15