It was some moments before the door opened and a distracted Rob, his phone clamped to his ear, waved her in. ‘Go on into the kitchen and grab a cuppa, I’ll be with you in a minute,’ he whispered before retreating into the office and shutting the door in her face.
Marianne’s heart sank as she realized he must be talking to Vanessa, and then anger took over when she thought of the intimate phone conversations they’d shared in the days before his fiancée walked in on them; how could he have behaved like that?
She was sorely tempted to leave but that would seem childish and then he would be in no doubt of her feelings and, if nothing else, she still had her pride. She had agreed to a working relationship so she would just have to grin and bear it. She continued down the hall and pushed open the kitchen door, pulling up short at the sight that greeted her. The kitchen had been transformed into a café, a rather grubby and vaguely familiar one at that.
Rob had recreated Mario’s, their old haunt. Marianne’s smile broadened as she took in all the detail. Two lamps with red shades spread a brothel-like glow across the room. The table was covered in a cheap, synthetic, red-checked tablecloth. In the centre stood a Chianti bottle complete with a red candle dripping wax down the sides, and beside it a jar holding a plastic red rose. She started to laugh when she noticed the fake crystal glasses that were almost identical to the ones in Mario’s. The unmistakable smell of lasagne and garlic bread drew her attention to the glass door of the oven. Marianne peered in, wondering if Rob had cooked it. She certainly hoped not – she had experienced a couple of his disastrous efforts in the past. And then she was distracted from the food by the sight of the fridge door covered in photos. As she moved closer she saw that they were all of her, taken by Rob on his phone either when they were in the café, his car or at his flat. One photo made her gasp as she remembered he’d taken it just after they’d made love. It seemed abundantly clear too as her hair was tossed, her eyes shining and her lips parted in a languid smile. She closed her eyes briefly, savouring the memory of the afternoon that had resulted in that smile. There was only one photo of Rob and it was right in the centre of the display. It was the one of him with her children.
‘They look happy, don’t they?’ Rob murmured in her ear, making her jump.
‘I don’t know what to say,’ she whispered.
‘Tell me you love me.’ He turned her to face him and rested his hands on her hips.
‘No.’ She pushed him away and walked around the other side of the table; it was easier to be strong if there was something between them.
‘Why? Because of Vanessa?’
She looked at him in disbelief. ‘Yes, because of Vanessa!’
‘She lied to you, Marianne.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘We’re not engaged, we never were.’
Marianne searched his face, trying to take in his words. ‘But she said you were getting married next year.’
‘So I heard. The truth is that she felt threatened by you and wanted to make it clear that I was unavailable.’
‘Which you are; she’s still your girlfriend,’ Marianne pointed out. ‘Tell me, did she know when she walked in on us that day that we’d been talking almost daily on the phone?’
He shook his head. ‘No, she didn’t. But it doesn’t matter now, Marianne. The reason I went to London was to tell her it was over.’
Marianne’s heart lifted, though she felt almost afraid to believe him; she couldn’t take much more of a battering. ‘Why did you finish with her? Was it because of me?’
‘Yes and no. We’ve been together about a year and it was fine; she was lovely.’
Marianne flinched, amazed at how much his words hurt.
‘Then she started to make noises about moving in together and I knew I couldn’t do it, that it wasn’t what I wanted. I was about to end it when she was offered a temporary job in London. It seemed the perfect out. I figured she would soon forget me and the relationship would just die a natural death.’
‘You wimp.’ Marianne tried to sound disapproving but couldn’t prevent a smirk.
‘A total wimp, but don’t I get brownie points for flying to London and ending it face to face?’ He walked around the table and stopped just inches away.
‘You should have done it sooner.’
He put his arms around her. ‘I know.’
Marianne looked up at him, drinking him in and yet still nervous. She was thrilled he had finished with Vanessa, but couldn’t help feeling sorry for the girl. If she cared so much about him to lie, how devastated she must feel now. ‘How did she take the news?’
He looked slightly uncomfortable. ‘She was okay. She loves it over there and the job seems to be working out well. So . . .’ he looked into her eyes, cupped her cheek and ran his thumb along her lips, ‘am I forgiven?’
‘No,’ she said, wondering if he could hear the tremor in her voice; a dead giveaway that his touch was having the same effect it always had.
‘Why not?’
She scowled, not ready to let him off the hook despite the fact that her heart was thumping simply because he was so close. ‘Because you never told me about her, of course. You were taking me to bed, Rob, and she walked in on us. And if she hadn’t, would you have even mentioned her?’
‘You know I would have,’ he looked reproachful. ‘Yes, I admit, I put it off because I was just enjoying getting to know you again and I didn’t want to do anything to spoil that. But she was never the one, Marianne. My biggest sin was staying with her for so long. Do you believe me?’
‘I believe you,’ Marianne said, spellbound by the look of love in his eyes.
‘Does that mean I’m forgiven?’ He kissed her.
She felt her whole body melt. ‘It does,’ she said, and kissed him back, losing herself in the taste of him.
‘Can I interest you in some lasagne?’ he murmured.
‘No.’ She moved closer so that she could feel the length of his body against hers.
He groaned. ‘In that case, let’s go upstairs and work up an appetite.’
‘No!’ Marianne drew back; how could she have forgotten?
His smile faded. ‘What is it, what’s wrong?’
Marianne sighed. ‘We need to talk.’
‘We can talk upstairs, darling . . .’
‘No, here. Can I have a drink, please?’ She sat down at the table.
‘You’re worrying me now.’ He produced a bottle of Saint Emilion and filled the glasses.
‘That’s not what we used to drink.’ She picked at the wax on the bottle, wondering how he’d react to what she had to say.
‘No, but serving you the vinegar that Mario used to stock would be taking the illusion just a little too far.’ He raised his glass to her. ‘Cheers.’
‘Cheers,’ she said without enthusiasm, and took a sip.
‘What is it, darling, what’s wrong?’
‘I need to tell you why I ended things between us.’
‘It doesn’t matter . . .’
‘Please, Rob, just listen,’ she begged.
‘Okay, go ahead.’ He settled back in his chair, his eyes on her face.
She took another drink. ‘I told you that Dominic used to lose his temper and scare me. What I didn’t tell you is that sometimes it went a bit further than that.’
Rob’s expression froze. ‘Are you saying the fucker hit you?’
She nodded.
‘Marianne!’
She held up her hand. ‘He hurt me a few times, though, to be fair, I don’t think he realized what he was doing; sometimes he didn’t even remember.’
‘You told me he took a lot of pills but I had no idea he was violent; why didn’t you tell me?’
She looked at the reproachful and frustrated expression on his face and sighed. ‘What was the point? You couldn’t have done anything.’
‘You should have left him; I would have given you a home and protected you and the children.’
‘He never hu
rt the children.’
‘He just knocked his wife around; that’s okay then.’ He crossed his arms and shook his head in helpless fury. ‘What did he do to you?’
‘Rob—’
‘Just tell me, Marianne. Please?’
She sat in silence for a moment. She didn’t see how it would help but she knew that they would never be able to move on if she wasn’t completely honest with him. ‘Okay.’ As Marianne told him of the various episodes, she watched the fury build up in him and wondered if she should continue.
‘Go on, it’s okay,’ he said, and she smiled at how easily he could still read her after all this time.
‘I realized that my period was late and I thought I might be pregnant. I bought a test and waited until the children were asleep that night before I used it. I was in the bathroom just opening the box when Andrew let out a scream so I dropped it and ran to him. It turned out to be just a night terror but it took me a while to calm him.’ She paused and massaged her stomach, wishing she hadn’t left the antacids in the car. ‘When I came back into the bathroom Dominic was sitting on the side of the bath with the test in his hand. I could see that not only was he high, he was mad too.’
‘But why?’ Rob asked.
She met his eyes. ‘We hadn’t had sex in months so he knew it meant that I was seeing someone else.’
‘Oh, Marianne,’ he shook his head in anguish. ‘What happened?’
She stopped for a moment as she remembered that terrifying night. It was amazing how clear each detail was.
‘There was a heavy glass jar of bath oil beside him and he just picked it up and threw it at me. It missed but smashed against the wall; there was glass and oil everywhere. I turned to run but he was too quick for me. He swung me around, held me against the wall and . . .’ she swallowed, ‘he punched me in the mouth.’
‘Jesus!’
‘He never said one word during the whole thing, and then he just left afterwards, the way he always did. I wasn’t sure what damage he’d done but blood poured out of my mouth and my whole face throbbed. I went to get some toilet paper to clean myself up but I slipped in the oil and fell hard. I felt something stick into me but I didn’t pay much attention. All I wanted to do was get everything cleaned up in case one of the children saw it or me. I dragged myself up onto the toilet seat and was mopping up my mouth when I saw a shard of glass sticking out of my stomach.’
‘I don’t believe this.’ He stared at her in shock. ‘Why didn’t you call me?’
‘Oh, Rob, you were the very last person I could call,’ she said, half-laughing, half-crying. ‘Though I felt dazed, something told me that it would be a bad idea to pull out the glass. So I tied a towel around me and went into the bedroom and phoned Helen. She stopped off on the way over to collect Dot. When she saw the state of me she was furious; I’ve never seen her so angry. She wanted to call the guards. “Now do you see what your precious son is capable of?” she said to Dot. Anyway, she carted me off to A&E. It looked worse than it was, though. I only had a chipped tooth and a cut lip but I was right not to pull out the glass; it had gone in very deep and they said if I had, I could have bled to death. Anyway they sewed me up and sent me home.’
He looked at her. ‘Were you pregnant, Marianne?’
She shook her head and felt a tear trickle down her cheek. ‘No, Rob, I wasn’t.’
‘Did you report him?’
‘No.’
‘He hurled a glass jar at you,’ Rob exclaimed. ‘If his aim had been better he could have killed you; how could you protect him?’
‘Because he’s the father of my children, because I’d been unfaithful and because I realized that night what a very sick man he must be. I did decide, though, to throw him out.’
‘And did you?’
Marianne sighed. ‘No.’
Rob looked at her, his eyes full of frustration. ‘I just don’t understand.’
She looked at him wondering how she could possibly explain the situation; how she could make him realize how little choice she had. ‘Dot begged me not to,’ she told him. ‘She was convinced that he would end up in the gutter if he didn’t have his family around him and I thought she was right. Instead, she offered to move in. She said she’d protect me and the children and that she’d shop him herself if he got violent again. So I agreed.’ Even though Rob was here with her again, silent tears rolled down her face as she remembered how distraught she’d felt at that moment. ‘I knew that I would have to finish with you. I wouldn’t have been able to hide the scar from you and I knew when you saw it you’d want to kill him. There was no way out, Rob. I had to protect you and the only way I could do that was by saying goodbye.’ Her voice was barely a whisper by the time she’d finished and she had given up trying to stem her tears.
He came around the table and kneeling in front of her, lifted her shirt and examined the red scar that curved around her naval. He kissed it. ‘I wish you’d told me; I wish you’d trusted me to figure out a solution. We could have been together, Marianne.’
She cradled him against her breast, luxuriating in the feel of his lips on her skin. ‘You’re here now; that’s all that matters.’
He drew back and looked at her. ‘I want to make love to you.’
She looked into his eyes. ‘I want you to make love to me too.’
He stood up and held out his hand to her, and in silence she took it and allowed him to lead her upstairs.
Marianne lay in her old bed, her limbs tangled with Rob’s, his fingers tracing the crescent-shaped scar on her stomach. Despite their long, languorous love-making, she still trembled at his touch.
‘What are you thinking?’ he asked, propping himself up on one elbow and looking down at her.
‘I thought only women asked that question.’ She closed her eyes so that he couldn’t read her thoughts.
‘I’m getting in touch with my feminine side. Hey, are you crying?’
‘No,’
‘You are.’ He kissed her eyes with infinite gentleness. ‘Why, darling?’
‘I can’t stop thinking of you in bed with her,’ she admitted, and then she opened her eyes and looked at him in horror. ‘Oh, God, you didn’t make love to her here, did you?’
‘No.’ He pulled her close. ‘Forget Vanessa,’ he said, and kissed her.
‘That’s easier said than done.’ She believed him when he said he loved her but he’d still spent almost a year with a very beautiful woman, and the thought of him doing the things to Vanessa that he had just done to her made her feel sick with jealousy.
‘How do you think I felt every time you left me to go home to Dominic?’
‘It’s not the same,’ she protested.
‘Why isn’t it?’
‘It just isn’t.’
‘Look at me,’ he demanded. ‘Talk to me.’
Reluctantly, Marianne turned to face him, immediately feeling exposed. Those eyes, those gorgeous eyes always seemed to be able to see right into her very soul.
‘Tell me,’ he ran one finger down the length of her spine, making her shiver.
‘I can’t think, never mind talk if you do things like that!’
He stopped and smiled. ‘Okay. I’m waiting.’
She sighed. She felt vulnerable but she wanted to be honest with him; knew it couldn’t be any other way. ‘Okay then. Do you remember the first time we made love?’
He snuggled closer, smiling. ‘Oh yes.’
‘Well . . .’
‘Well?’
‘I never slept with Dominic after that.’
His eyes widened. ‘Really?’
‘Really.’
‘Why not, Marianne?’
She held his gaze. ‘Because it would have felt wrong. I just couldn’t do it.’
He was silent for a moment, a faraway look in his eyes. She studied him closely trying to figure out what was going on in his head. ‘Rob?’
He looked at her. ‘Remember the day we kissed on Patrick Kavanagh’s bench on the can
al?’
She smiled. ‘Yes.’
‘I haven’t had sex with Vanessa since then.’
‘Really?’ Her eyes searched his.
‘Really. I admit there was an attempt on her part the night before she left for London but,’ he sighed, ‘let’s say, I couldn’t rise to the occasion.’
She tried to suppress a grin. ‘Really?’
He rolled his eyes. ‘Really.’
‘Why not?’ she pressed, still finding it hard to banish the image of the lovely Vanessa from her mind.
He looked at her in silence for a moment and then traced her lips with his finger. ‘Because she wasn’t you.’
‘Oh, Rob.’ She cupped his face in her hands and kissed him.
‘I’m glad you weren’t pregnant,’ he said when they broke apart.
‘Are you?’ she asked, surprised and a little upset. It had never occurred to her that Rob wouldn’t have wanted their child.
‘Yes, because if he’d killed our baby, Marianne, I think I would have killed him.’
She threw her arms around his neck and clung to him. ‘Oh, my love, if he had I’d have killed him myself.’
His eyes widened in surprise. ‘You wanted the baby?’
Again Marianne’s thoughts returned to that fateful day. ‘I remember when I realized my period was late. I remember going in to buy the test. And I remember thinking that Dominic would know instantly that it wasn’t his and that he would go berserk. But . . .’
‘But?’
She looked into his eyes. ‘I didn’t care, Rob. I was on cloud nine at the thought that I might be carrying your baby. When they did a test in the hospital and told me it was negative, I cried.’
‘Oh, my darling.’ He pulled her tight against him and held her there in silence for a long time.
Marianne relaxed into him, giving herself to him, allowing him to feel through her body what no words could possibly say; she had finally come home.
‘How do you think Kate and Andrew would feel if we gave them a brother or sister?’ he asked.
Marianne smiled at the tenderness in his eyes and thought she would die of happiness. ‘They might find it hard to accept if it happened too soon,’ she said and kissed him. ‘But, given time, I’m sure they’d love it. They already love you.’
Every Time We Say Goodbye Page 32