“What?”heasked,tryingunsuccessfullytoquashthehostilityinhis voice.
“TellKristyI'msorry.Ididn'tdothistohurtanyofyou.Iknowyou seemtohaveforgottenthatinyourquestfortruth,butI'mavictiminall ofthis,Alan.Mattywasmyfriend.Ilovedhim,andIknowfordamn surethathelovedmetoo.Trynottoforgetthatwhenyou'repainting horriblescenariosinyourheadofwhatyouthinkwentdownthatnight."
Withoutanotherword,Iwalkedaroundthetableandstraightoutthe door.Ididn'twaitforaresponsefromhim.Ididn'twantone.
Nearlyinanall-outrunbythetimeIgotdownstairs,Iquicklymade mywaypastAliceatthefrontdeskbeforeshebuzzedmeout.Through thedoubledoorsanddowntheflightofconcretestepsoutside,Ifledto theTTthatsatidling,waitingformyarrival.Ipracticallytorethe passengerdooroffbeforeIjumpedinandslammeditbehindme.
“Soundslikethatwentwell,”Cooperobservedwithhistypical sarcasm.
“Drive,”Ibarked,notwantingtogetintoit.
“Anothercheeryhomecoming?”
“Exactly.”
“DoyouwantsomemoregoodnewsorshouldIsaveitforlater?”
heasked,losingsomeofhismockingtone.
“Fuck. Whatnow?”
“Iwasreadingthepaperwhileyouwereinthere,”hestarted, shiftinguncomfortablyinhisseatbeforepullingintotraffic."Mattywas inthere―intheobituaries.Doyouwantto―”
“No!”Ishouted,puttingmyarmupdefensivelyashereached betweentheseatsforthepaper.“Idon'twanttoseeit."Itookamoment tocatchmybreathbeforecontinuing.“I'msorry.Ididn'tmeantoyellat you.Isthatthegoodnewsyouspokeof?”
“No,”hesaidplainly.
“Justlayitonme,Cooper.Please.”
“Itsaidthathisfuneralistomorrow.InBoston.” Fuckme.“What areyougoingtodo?”heasked,eyeingmeoutofhisperiphery.
“Idon'tknow...”
“Icouldgodownwithyou,ifyouwanttogo.”
“No,”Isaidabruptly.“That'ssomethingIneedtodoonmyown.”
Hepressedhislipstogetherfirmlyinahalffrown.
“There'safreakstormcomingupthecoast.It'sgoingtobebrutal.”
“I'vedriveninsnowbefore,Cooper.I'llbefine,”Ireplied,staring offtowardsmyapartmentasweroundedthefinalcornerontheway home."I'mnotsurewhatIwanttodoyet.I'mgoingtosleeponitfirst.”
“Whateveryouthinkisbest.”Cooperparkedthecarinfrontofthe shopandwesimultaneouslygotout.“Goupstairs,”heordered,throwing methekeys.“I'vegottadosomethingintown.Gohaveanap.I'llbe homeinafew.”
InoddedsilentlyanddidasIwastold.
Onceinsidethemaindoor,Ischleppedmywearybodyupthestairs totheapartment.Exhausteddidn'tevenbegintodescribehowdrainedI felt.Iclosedthedoorbehindmeandshuffleddownthehalltomy bedroom,floppingdownontothebedthesecondIreachedit.Cooper wantedmetogetsomerest,andthatwasexactlywhatIwasgoingtodo.
*
HourslaterIawoketodarknesssurroundingmeandashrillbeeping soundsomewhereinmyroom.Disorientedandstartled,Ifumbledmy wayoutofmybedinapaniconlytocrashintothenight-standbymy bed.Inmyhalf-awakestate,IhadnoideawhereIwas.
“Cooper!”Iyelled,tryingtocontrolmyrisingunease.
Asalways,hewasbymysideinaflash.
“What'swrong?”heaskedasheflippedonthebedsidelamp.It illuminatedtheconcernonhisface.
“Therewasasound,andIjumpedoutofbedtoseewhatitwas,but thenIranintothefurniture...anditwassodark,andI...I...,"Irambled, feelingincreasinglyridiculous.“Ididn'tknowwhereIwas.”
Hescoopedmeupinhisarmsandhuggedmetighttohischest.
“You're home,”hewhisperedsoftly.“That'swhereyouare.For good.”
AndIwas.Goodorbad,dramaornot,IwasfinallybackwhereI belonged.Iwelcomedthefeeling.
“Soundsperfecttome,”Isaid,smiling.
“Good.Nowwhatthehellwasthissoundthatwokeyouupinsucha tizzyanyway?”
Ipulledawayfromhimtosearchtheroomforthemostlikely suspect.Ifounditlyingonthetablethathadtakenachunkoutofmyleg onlymomentsearlier.Myinnocent-lookingcellphonelookedatmy laughingly.Atexthadbeenthecauseofmynearmeltdown.
“Myphonemusthavegoneoff,”Ireplied,walkingovertoretrieve it.IwassurprisedbywhatIsaw―amessagefromAlan: Filledoutthe properpaperworkregardingyourreappearance.BPDhasbeennotified aswell.It'llbeonthenewsthisevening.Bepreparedforthebacklash.
I'msorryabouttoday.Talklater.
“Somuchformyquietreentrytolife,”Imumbledtomyself.“I guessIwon'thavetocalltheCarmilostotellthemI'maliveand coming.”Icouldn’tkeepthedrynessoutofmytone.
“Why'sthat?”
“BecauseI'mabouttobebreakingnews.Alanspreadtheword aboutmyreturn.”
“Well,”hesaid,scratchinghishead.“Hedidn'treallyhaveachoice, andinfairness,thatcathadtobeletoutofthebagatsomepoint.Guess nowisasgoodatimeasany."
“Iguessso,”Imutteredtomyself,gettinguptogointotheliving roomandhunkerdownfortherestoftheevening.Iwantedtocrawlinto acaveandhide,butI'dalreadydonethatforthreeweeks,metaphorically speaking.
“Whereareyougoing?”heasked,followingbehindme.
“Idon'twanttomissthebigstory,”Irepliedsarcastically.“Ithink I'llmakeastiffdrinkfortheshow."
“Bettermaketwo,then.Can'thaveyoudrinkingalone...”
IscoffedasIenteredthekitchen,Alan'swordsrunningrampant throughmymind.
Bepreparedforthebacklash...
Thestoryofmylife.
6
Therehadn'tbeenaNor'easterlikethatinNewEnglandfordecades.
Twentyinchesofsnowwasforecasttopummelthecoastlinefromthe Providenceareaup,butonlyafteraninchoffreezingrainlaidthe foundationfortreacherousroadconditions.Justastheweathermanhad predicted,itwastheperfectstorm.
WhileIdrovetoBoston,signsofthatstormwerealreadyvisible, theweathersteadilydeteriorating.Alongwithitwentmyresolve.Ihad dreadedthatday,fiercely.
Duringthetimethecommuteprovided,Ireflectedonthingsthat onlydeepenedmysadness—mysenseofloss.Thoughtsofthehours MattyandIhadspenttogetherindanceclass,jokingaroundinsteadof payingattention,clowningourwaythroughchoreography,andstopping forfoodafterward.Histwenty-secondbirthdaypartyathisparents'house wasoneofmyfavorites.Ilovedhisfamily,andtheytookmeinlikeI wasoneoftheirown.
Carmen...Dominic...
ThepaininmychestwasexcruciatingwhenIthoughtofthem.
They'dalreadylostonesonbythetimeIhadmetMatty,and,becauseof me,theywouldburyanother.Ididn'tknowhowIcouldfacethem.
IflewpastexitsontheinterstatewhileIdrove,and,beforeI realizedwhatIwasdoing,Itookoneofthem,turningoffthehighwayin anattempttoloopbackontoittoretreatnorth.Ipulledintoagasstation beforemycowardicefullytookoverandtriedtopullmyselftogether.
Myhandsshookuncontrollably,andnomatterhowhardIgrippedthe wheel,itdidnothingtoquashthequaking.
LayingMattytorestwasnotsomethingIwantedtobeapartof.
ThethreeweeksI’dspenttuckedawayinScarlet'smindhadofferedmea certainescapefromreality.Thoughtheeventsthathadoccurredonthe nightofMatty'smurderplayedthroughmymindrepeatedly,Icould detachfromthembecauseIhadn'tfacedtheaftermath.Thefinalvision ofMatty'sdecapitatedbodyshouldhaveclearlyillustratedthathewas gone,butitdidn't.
Buryingwhatremainedofhimwould.
Itookmultiple
deepbreathsbeforeputtingthecarbackingear, drivingofftowardstheentrancerampforI-93South.Therainwasfalling harderandthetemperatureplummetedasIdrove.Funeralornot,the worstofthestormwouldn'tholdoffforlong.Myemotionscouldn'tbe heldbackforevereither,andIwassuddenlyinahurrytogetthewhole ordealoverwith.
Ithoughtaboutwatchingfromafar,hiddenbytreesorheadstones nearby,soIcouldavoidtheonslaughtofgriefIwassuretobe bombardedwith.Itwascowardly,butIwascertainthat,whenfacedwith thetotalityofmyowngrief,Iwouldcrumbleundertheweightof anythingelse.Mattywasalwayssostrong,bothphysicallyand emotionally.Iselfishlywishedforhisstrengthinthatmoment.IfI couldn'tbestrong,thenIwouldatleastbehonorableandbearmypain publicly,forallwholovedhimtosee.Itwasbymyactionsthathewas abouttobeputsixfeetunder,andIowedittohimtobethere.
Carsthicklylinedthestreetonbothsides,forcingmetoparknearly ablockaway.Ihaddressedfortheunseasonablecold,butnotthe freezingrain.Myblackstilettosofferedlittlestabilityontheicy walkways,andIteeteredmywayacrossthestreettothemainentranceof thecemetery.
“Healwayssaidyouhadimpeccablefashionsense,”avoicecalled tomefrominsidethewroughtirongates.Amanaroundthirtyrounded thecorner,headedinmydirection.Hewasdifficulttomakeoutatfirst throughtheassaultingrain,butonceIwascloser,Isawthatitwasoneof Matty'sbrothers-in-law.
“IguessIdidn'treviewtheweatherasthoroughlyasIshouldhave beforeIleft,”Isaid,walkingtowardshisextendedhand.
“Letmehelpyou,”hesaid,placingmyhandinthecrookofhis foldedarm.“Ihadtorunbacktothecarforanotherumbrella.Rosa's didn'tholdupwellwiththewind.”Ilookedupattheflimsy,travel-sized oneIheldandprayeditwouldmanagetheweather.“Isawyouonthe newslastnight,”hesaidsoftly,uncertainastowheretotakehis observationafterthat.
“IwasgoingtocallCarmen...”
“Shewaselated,Ruby.She'llbesogladtoseeyoualiveand well...evenifshecan'tseeMatty.”Histonewassomber,andIfought againstthegrowingsorrowhefelt.Wewereawkwardlyquietafterthatas wemadeourwaythroughthecemetery.Ieventuallylostmybattleand hisenergypenetratedme,addingtomycloudofgrowingsadness.Hehad lovedMattylikealittlebrother.Thatwasplain.
Aswenearedtheplot,Inoticedtheseaofblackencirclingit.My heartskipped,realizingwhatwasinthecenterofthatsea,andtheendof mydenialwasofficial―tearsspilledontomycheekseffortlessly.
Withoutskippingabeat,myescortofferedmeatissue,whichIgladly took.Ihadleftmypurseinthecar,notwantingtocarrythatandan umbrellainthelikelyeventthatIwouldfallandhavenofreehandsto catchmyselfwith.ItalsoleftmewithoutmystockpileofKleenex.
“Thanks,”Isaid,sniffling.
“I'vegottenreallygoodathavingthoseonme,”hesaidsoberly.
“Therehaven'tbeenalotofdryeyesinmyhouselately.”
Justthen,hewascalledawaybyhiswife,leavingmetodealwith themetaphoricalknifehe'djustplungedintomyside.Icausedthose tears.Ibroughtthatsorrowonhiswife.Hischildren.
Iwantedtorunbacktothecarandhide,butinstead,Ifounda stationneartherearofthemassivecrowd.Mattyalwaysjokedabouthow expensivehisweddingwouldbeonedaybecausehisfamilywasso enormous.BasedonwhatIsaw,hewasn'tkidding;therewereeasilytwo hundredpeopleinattendance.Ididmybesttoblendintothebackground, butImadeapointedefforttobesureIcouldseehiscasket.Forsome reason,seeingiteasedmypainratherthanintensifiedit.
ThesermonwasdoneentirelyinItalian,leavingmeunableto follow,butthebeautyofthepriest’swordswasapparent,regardless.The priestsangasMattywasloweredintohisfinalrestingplace,hiswords travelingsoclearlythroughtheair.Ifeltcarriedawaybythem,then realizedthatIwasactuallywalkingforwardtowardthegraveonguided feet.IsworeIcouldactuallyfeelMatty'sarmaroundmyshoulders, guidingmetowardshim―hisrestingplace.WhenIfinallystopped,Iwas standingrightnexttohismother,whosecriessnappedmebacktoreality.
ForyearsIhadbeeninfluencedbytheemotionsofothers,but nothingbeforehadevercomeclosetotherawnessthatshefeltinthat moment.Mykneesbuckled,andIfelluponthembesideher,takingher handinmine.Physicalcontactonlyintensifiedourconnection,butitwas whatsheneededandthepunishmentIdeserved,soIstayedwhereIwas, weatheringherstorm.
Ilookedupatthefacesaroundme,redandtear-stained,and reachedoutfortheirenergies―allofthem.Takingitallonatoncewas masochistic,butpainhadatippingpointforme,allowingittobecome welcomeandwarming.Inthatmoment,Iwas sothere.
Therestofthefuneralwasablur.Someonehelpedmetomyfeetat theend,andIwasengulfedbytheswarmofpeopletryingtopaytheir respectstoMatty'sparents.Emotionallyexhaustedfromtheordeal,I triedtomakemywayoutofthemobandbacktomycar.Ihaddropped myumbrellasomewhereinmyjourneytojoinMatty'smombythegrave, soIwasleftexposedtothefreezingrainthatviciouslypeltedmewiththe gustingwind.
Iwrappedmyarmstightlyaroundmystomachandtriedtoescape asquicklyasIpossiblycould.Myheelsrepeatedlysunkintothewetsod, eventuallyleavingmewithnochoicebuttotakethemofforsuffera sprainedankle.Myblack-stockingedfeetwerefrozeninstantly,causing metobreakintoajogthroughthecenturies-oldheadstones,barelyable toseethroughtheveilofprecipitationaroundme.
OnceIlocatedtheentrancegates,Istartedtorunfullout,butIwas nolongerjustrunningfromtheelements.IwasrunningfromMattyand theemptinessIfeltwithouthim.
Inaflash,Iwasnolongerrunningatall.Instead,Iwassprawledout ontheconcretewalkway,hosierytorn,coatripped,kneesandhands bleeding.Inmyhaste,Ihadoverlookedasmallgravemarker,snagging mytoeonit.ItwasaclassicRubymove.IhopedthatsomewhereMatty washavingachuckleatmyexpense.
Imanagedtoprymyselfoffthegroundandlocatemyshoesthat hadflownthroughtheairduringmyfall.Soakingwetandcompletely disheveled,Idecidedtowalktherestofthewaytothecar.Itseemedthe safestgameplan.
AsIapproachedthegates,Iheardavoicecallingmynamebehind me.IturnedtoseeMatty'smother,Carmen,hurryingcarefullytowards me.Myheartsankinstantly.Offeringhersupportwasonething,having tofaceherdirectlywasanother.Eveninmyfrozencondition,Icouldfeel thesweatbeadalongmyneck,rollingslowlyintothebackofmyblack cashmeresweater-dress.
“Ruby!”shecalledonelasttimebeforeIacknowledgedher.
“Carmen...,”Istarted,unsureofwhattosay.“I'm...I'msosorry.”
Thatwasallittook.Ichokedonthelastword,unabletospeakfurther.
“Iknow,Ruby,”shesaid,pullingmeintoacrushinghug.“My baby'sgone.He's gone. Butyou'restillhere...Mattywouldbesohappyto knowyou'reallright. ” Hersobscameviolently,bodyconvulsingwiththe purgingemotions.“MygirlsareallIhaveleftnow,”sheeventually addedaftergainingsomeamountofcomposure.“Howdidthishappen?
HowcouldsomebodytakemyMattyfromme?Fromyou?”sheasked, hereyessearchingminewildlyforanswers.
Ifeltfaint,thinkingthatIwasgoingtopassoutforcertain,right thereinfrontofher. Ihadtheanswersshesought.
“Helovedyou,Ruby.Morethanyouprobablyevenknew,”shesaid softly.“Youwereallhetalkedaboutfromthemomentyouwalkedinto thatfirstclasswiththecompany.Hemarveledateverythingaboutyou forthelongesttime.Wejokedthathehadacrushonyou,whichseemed tobeexactlywhatitwasinthebeginning,butthensomethingchanged.It becamemorethanafascinationwithsomebodywhowasmoretogether thanthegirlshe'ddatedinthepast;heknewyoutwowererightforeach other.Afteryourfirstperformancetogether,hecamehomeandtoldus allthathe
hadfoundthegirlhewasgoingtomarryoneday.Shejust didn'tknowityet...”
Shetookmybleedinghandsinhers,herexpressionbecomingfar moreseriousagain.
“Thenewsreportsaidthatyoucouldn'trememberanythingabout thatnight,Ruby,aboutwhathappenedtoMatty,”shesaid,movingin dangerouslyclosetomyface.Icouldn'tbreathe.Iwassoafraidofwhat shewasgoingtosaynextthatIstoodfrozen.“Regardlessofwhat occurred,Iamcertainthathewouldbegladtoknowthathislast momentswerespentdefendingyou.”
Mykneesweakened,butthankstomygriponCarmen,Imanaged tostayupright.Isawtherestofherfamilyoffinthedistance,headedour direction,andIpanicked.HavingallofthemengulfmewasmorethanI couldbear.
“Carmen,I...Ihavetogo,”Isaid,chokingbackasob.
“He lovedyou,Ruby,”sherepeated.“Pleasedon'teverforgetthat.
Hewantedyoutobepartofourfamilyoneday.”
Itriedtopullmyhandsfree,butthemiddle-agedwoman'sgripwas likeavise.Istartedtobackaway,butsheresisted,pullingmecloser.
“You arefamily,Ruby.Youhavebeenfromthefirsttimewemet you,”shesaid,huggingmeonelasttime.“That'swhatMattywouldwant.
Weloveyoutoo,Ruby.”
Itriedtoreturnhersentiment,butitcameoutsostrainedand strangledthatI'mnotsuresheunderstood.Ididn'tstickaroundlong enoughtofindout,turningtofleetheinstantsheletmego.Ittookonly secondstobreakthroughtheentrancegatesoutontothesidewalkinmy stockingedfeet.MomentarilyforgettingwhereIhadparked,Iscanned thestreetfortheTT,whichwasvirtuallyuselessgiventhedensityofthe sleetfallingrapidlyaroundme.
OnceIdeterminedwhereIneededtogo,Icontinuedrunningdown thestreettomycar.Ineededtogetoutofthecold,outoftheelements, andawayfromMatty'sfamilybeforetheycouldunknowinglyinflictany morepain.
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