Hegavemenothinginresponsebutasteadystare.
“YouwanttoknowthefirstthingIsaidwhenIwokeupinJanner's cabin?”
Again,hegavemenothing.
“Ishealive?”Ishouted,rammingmypalmintohischest,hisheart.
“Iaskedthemif youwerealive!Sodon'tyougetallfuckingpitypartyon me,likethiswholethinghasbeenavacationforme.Doyouknowhow maddeninglosing youhasbeen?HowcrazyImademyselfinmy darkenedprison,wonderingifIwasevergoingtocomehometoyouat all,andifIdid,andyouwerestillalive,wonderingifyou'deverwantto havemeagain?Youwouldn'teventalktomewhenCoopercalledyou!I thoughtwewereover,Sean,over...andthatyouhatedmesomuchyou couldn'tmusterthedecencytotellme.Notevenoverthephone.”
Withmyfacesonearhim,Icouldfinallyseeaflinchofemotion, howeverfleetingitwas.Allitleftbehindwasthetiniesttraceofgreenin theblackenedpoolsofhiseyes.
“I'msorry,Sean.I'msosorrythatIcouldn'ttrustyouwithwhatI thoughtI'ddonetoMatty.Butyouhavetounderstandthatyoudon't makeiteasyforme,”Isaid,collapsingbackdowntotheseatbehindme.
“Whenreactionslikethis,”Isaid,wavingmyhandathim,“arewhatI canexpect,Itendtochooseadifferentcourse.”
“WhatIdidtonight...,”hesaid,pausingslightly.“Ithadapurpose.”
“Scaringtheshitoutofmeisonehelluvawaytomakeyourpoint.”
“Ididn'tdoittoscare you,”hesaid,eyesblazing.“Ididittogetto her.Shewasgoingtopayforheractions,notyou.”
Aflashofnervesigniteddownmyspineathiswords.
“ButScarletdoesn'tfeelpain,Sean,”Iadmittedsoftly.“Allyou wouldhavedonewashurt me... ”
Helookedstunnedforamoment,thenIrealizedthatmaybethat wasyetanotherlittledetailIhadn'tbotheredtosharewithhimovertime.
“Ididn'tknow,”hesaidquietly.“Ijust...there'ssomuchanger.I neededtogetitout.Neededsomeoneelsetosharemyburden.”
Fearwashedoverhimquickly,overridingwhateveremotional barrierhehaderectedearlier,andhepulledmetomyfeet,yankingmy coatopentoaccessthenecklineofmydress.Hedrewitdowngently, thenranhishanddelicatelyovermycollarbonesandacrossmysternum, examininganydamageI’dsustainedwhenhe’dpinnedmetothewall.
“It'shardlovingsomethingsofragile...”
“Iknow,”Iwhispered,turningawayfromhim.Hisstatementwas anobservationofmyphysicalfragility.Minewasofhisemotionalone.
Withthatrealization,hisreactionsmadefarmoresense.Hisrage wasn'tdrivenbyfearatall,and,asthatangerwaned,allIcouldsense wasguilt.Guiltandneed.
“Iwantnothingmorethantobethemanyouneedrightnow...the manyouhadhopedtocomebackto,”hesaid,walkingawayfromme, distancinghimselffromthemomentwe'djusthad."ButIcan't.Idon't knowhowtoexplainittoyou.Nomatterhowmuchmymindknowsthat youarenotatfault―thatyouarenottoblame―apartofmestillwants someonetopay.”Hiseyeswouldn'tmeetminewhenheexpressed somethingabouthimselfthatheclearlydetested―adichotomousnature thatI,ofallpeople,couldeasilywrapmymindaround.“I needsomeone topay.Thebeastwillnotrestuntilthen...”
“Beast?”Iaskedhesitantly.
“Myrage,bloodlust,blackvoidofhatred―whateveryouwishto callit.Itcannotbequieted.I'mfightingforcontroleverysecondI'mhere withyounow.Can'tyoufeelit?”
Andboy,couldI.
“Yes,buttherehastobeawaytofixit...isn'tthere?”Iasked beseechingly.“IfScarletneverreturns,itcan'tbelikethisforever.You can'tfeelthiswayeverytimeyouseeme,canyou?"
Helookedupatmypleadingeyes.AllIsawwasasadnesssodeep thatitthreatenedtoengulfme.Thenitdisappearedentirely,leavingonly themenacingblacknessthathaddominatedjustmomentsbefore.With thereturnofthatpigmentcamethereturnofhisrage.
“Andiftherewasaway?”heasked,stalkingtowardmeslowly.
“Iwouldtakeit.”Theconfidenceinmywordswasdirectly contradictedbytheknockingofmyknees.Dark-eyedSeanwasnoteasy togetusedtohavingaround,especiallywhenIwasthesubjectofhis undividedattention.
“Doyoutrustmeenough?”
“Todowhat?”
“Totakethatoption?”heasked,meticulouslyassessingmyevery response.“Tonotharmyou...”
“Whatareyougoingtodo?”
“ThereareonlytwowaystoreleasewhatIfeelrightnow,”hetold me,hisvoicecoldasice.“Killingyouisclearlynotanoption..."His wordstrailedoffasthough,whateveroptionnumbertwowas,itmaynot havebeenfavorableeither.ItmademegladthatIhadn'tdirectly answeredhisquestionabouttrustinghim,giventhatmypersonaljury wasstilloutonthatmatteratthemoment.
“Andtheotheroption...?”
Hespunmearoundandpulledmybackfirmlyagainsthischestina flash,holdingontomyarmsinanefforttokeepmethere.Heexhaled heavilyinmyhairwhilehestruggledtokeephisbreathingcontrolled.
“Tellmeyou needme,”hesaid,rubbinghisfaceslowlythroughmy curls.
Ajoltoffearshotthroughme,andIfoughthardtoovercomeit.
“Ineedyou,”Itoldhim,myvoicesoquietthewordswerebarely audible.
Asmallrumbleofsatisfactionvibratedthroughhischestandinto myback.
“Tellmeyou loveme,”hedemanded,hisnosegentlystrokingthe lobeofmyear.
“Iloveyou,”Irepliedasmypulsequickened.
Therumblebecamestrongerashenippedmyneckwithhisteeth.
Suddenly,Ifelttherawsenseofneedcoursingthroughhim,and,as aresult,throughme.Itquicklystartedtomakemoresensetomewhyhe wassoconcernedaboutmytrustinhim.Heknewhewasabouttotread onunstablegroundforme―groundthatIhadonlybeguntoreinforce beforeScarletabductedme.Eveninallhismenacingwonder,hestilldid notwishtoharmme,physicallyorotherwise.Noteventomeethismost inborninstincts.
“Tellmeyou wantme,”hegrowledinmyear,hisholdonme tightening.
“Iwantyou,”Isaid,findingithardtobreathe,mymouthtoodryto evenswallow.
Whenhishandsfoundtheirwaytothehemofmydress,onethrust itupabovemywaist,theotherplummetingdownmypantyhoseand underwear,settlingonitsclandestinedestination.
“Sayitagain,”heordered,bodymotionless,asifawaitingmy permissiontocontinue.MybreathcaughtinmythroatwhileItriedto respond.
“Sean―”
Thesecondhisnamepassedmylips,hishandinstantlyworked againsttherestrictivespandexsurroundingit,furiouslyrubbingmybody intoafrenzy.Mymindwasoverwhelmed,andIcouldbarelyprocesshis words.
WhenhishandstoppedandIcaughtmybreath,Iwasableto comprehend.
“Say.It.Again.”
ToreassurehimthatIunderstood,Ipressedmybodybackintohim asfirmlyasIcould―asmuchastheweaknessinmykneeswouldallow.
“Iwantyou,”Isighed,reachingmyarmbackovermyheadtotouch hisface.“Now.”
Heinterceptedmyhand,pullingmyarmbackdowntomyside.
“No,no,no,littleone.I'llbegivingtheorderstonight,”he whisperedinmyearbeforeviolentlypullingmyunderwearandtights downaroundmyankles.“IhopeCooperandtheboysareoutforawhile.
Iplanontakingmytime.”
Whenhishandfoundmeagain,Igasped,tryingtoremainupright, butluckilyforme,thatwasn'tpartofhisplan.BeforeIknewitmychest waspressedtightlytothewindowseat,armssplayedoutbesideme.Ifelt himpressagainstme,therumblingsoundinhischestreturning.
“IneedyoutoknowthatIloveyou,Ruby,”hetoldme,sounding business-like.“Nowtellmetofuckyou...”
10
; Istartledawakeinthemiddleofthenight,shootingupinbed,still tangledinthecovers.Besidemewasnothingbutemptymattress.Hewas gone.
Isighedheavily,slumpingagainstmyvintagewoodenheadboard.
I'dbeennaïvetothinkthateverythingwouldbefineafterourencounter, whichmademefeelridiculousforlettingithappeninthefirstplace.My headcollapsedintomyknees,whichweretuckedtightlyagainstmy chest,whileIgroanedinfrustrationwiththesituationaswellasmy stupidity.
“I'moverhere,”avoicecalledfromtheshadows.Myheadsnapped toattention,searchingthedarknessforSean'slocation.Ittookmea momenttomakehimout,butsureenough,hesatmotionlessinmy armchairtuckedinthefarcorneroftheroom.“Iwasconcernedthatthe enthusiasmyoushowedearliermighthavewornoffbythetimeyouwoke up.Ithoughtitbesttoleaveyousomespace,”heexplained,movinginto thescantlightthemoonprovided.“Ididn'tleaveyou...”Hisvoicewas tenderandsoft―myheartnearlymelted.Suchastarkcontrasttothe brutewhoonlyhoursearlyhaddemandedmylove.Now,themanleft behindwasscaredhemayhavelostit.
“So,you'vejustbeensittinghere,watchingmesleep?”Iasked curiously,tryingtolightenhismoodslightly.
“You'dbesurprised,”hesaidwithasubtlecurlofhismouth.“It's highlyentertainingattimes.”
Iforcedasmileinreturn,buthesawrightthroughmeasalways.
“Doyouwantmetogo?”heasked,hiswordsagaincarryingarare softness.
Ididn'tknowwhatIwanted.OnlyhoursearlierI'dgonethrougha rollercoasterrideofemotionalhighsandlowsthatstillhadmyhead reeling.It'swhatwokemeupinthefirstplace.WhenSeancameintomy apartment,myheartskippedabeat―grantedthatwaspartlyfear driven―buthiseffectonmewasstillasintactasminewasonhim.
Regardless,hisangerremained,andgivenhowthewholethingwent down,hewascompletelyill-equippedtodealwiththatanger.
Asforthesex,thatwasthemostcomplicatedeventoftheevening.I couldn'texplainit,butsomehowIknewhe neededthat,notonlyfora release,butalsoforsomethingdeeper,darker―apunishmentofsorts, meanttoprovethathestillhadsomelevelofcontroloverme.As barbaricasthatsounded,Iunderstoodit.Itwasn'tsexwiththeSeanI'd beenwithbefore,thegreen-eyedgodwhohadsavedmemoretimesthan Icouldremember.I’dhadsexwithhisotherhalf,hisinnerScarlet,the black-eyedmercenaryI'dgrowntoknowandfear,andalthoughhewas intense,dominating,evenbrutalattimes,Ilearnedaveryimportantfact fromallofthat. Helovedmetoo.BothsidesofSeanlovedmeequally, thoughtheyhaddecidedlydifferentwaysofexpressingit.Submittingto himwasexactlywhathe'dneededtomovepasthisrage.
“I'llgo,”hesaid,makinghiswaytothedoor.
“No!”IblurtedoutasIstumbledoutofthebed,wrappedinmy comforter.Icrashedtothegroundbeforescramblinginelegantlytomy feet.“I'msorry.Iwasthinkingaboutsomething.”
“And?”hesaid,pausingbythedoor.
“IthinkIgetit...whathappenedlastnight—”IstartedbeforeSean cutmeoff,lookingmoderatelyembarrassed.
“Ruby,I—”
“Youforgivemenow,”Isaid,takingmyturntointerrupthim.“You bothdo.”
Ihesitatedwithmylaststatement,unsurethathewouldfollowwhat Iwasattemptingtosay.Instead,helookedatmewithwideeyesthat clearlygotmymessage.
“That'swhyyouhadto...whywe...”Ifumbled,tryingtofinda delicatewaytodescribetheraw,angrysexthathadoccurredinmyroom thatnight.“It'slikeyouhavetwosidestoo,butnotliterally,andyours isn'tawolf.It'ssomethingelse,butoddlysimilar. Heneededthatfrom me―formeto lethimhavethat,didn'the...er,uh,you?AmImakingany sensehere,or―”
“Yes,” hesaid,cuppingmyfacesoftly . “Youare,thoughthedetails arealittleoffasusual.”Hesmiledathisjab,butitquicklyfaded.“Of courseIforgiveyou,Ruby.TherewasneveranyquestionthatIwould.
Thequestionnowiswhetherornot youcanforgive me?”
“DoIgetbreakfastoutofthedealifIsayyes?”Iasked,smilingup athimwhilemystomachrumbled.Itwasonethirtyinthemorning,but ourbedroomescapadeshadleftmefamished.
Heleanedinslowlytokissme,andIfoundmyselfwitheyesclosed, risinguponmytoestomeethim.Myheartbeatfasterandtheelectricity thatflowedbetweenuswasinfullforce.Timestoodstill,theseconds drawingoutpainfullywhileIawaitedhiscontact.Whenhisbreath tickledmylips,Ipartedthemwithaninhaleofanticipation.
Insteadofakiss,Igotinterruptedbyanunwantedbangingonmy door.
“Areyouup?”Coopershouted,knowingdamnwellIwassincehe couldusuallyhearmefromthelivingroom.Withoutany acknowledgment,heslammedopenthebedroomdoor.
“Seriously,Coop?”Isnapped,scoopingtheblanketsuparoundme tighter.
“Oh,please,Ruby.LikeIhaven'tseenitbefore,”hesighed,flipping onthelight.Seangrowled.“Ithinkweneedafamilyhuddle.Theseguys aremakingmecrazyalready.Ithinkit'stimeforthemtogo.”
“Ithinkit'stimefor youtogo,”Seansaidcalmly,staringCooper down.
“Oh,”Coopersaid,lookingbackandforthbetweenSeanandme.“I wasn'tinterrupting,wasI?Sosorry.Pleasecontinue.I'llentertainyour squatterswhileyoutwocarryonwithwhateveritwasyouweredoing.No problem.”
Heturnedoffthelightandthrewthedoorclosedbehindhim, punctuatinghissentencewithaslam.
“Youtwoarereallygoingtohavetotryandfindawaytoget along,”ItoldSean,makingmywaytomywalk-incloset.“Itdoesn't makethingseasieronmetohaveyoutwoconstantlyatodds.And frankly,Idon'tevenknowwhyyouare.”
“It'samalething,”Seanofferedforexplanation.
Istuckmyheadoutandgavehimmybesthairyeyeball.
“Istillhaven'tofficiallyforgivenyou,youknow,”Isaidhaughtily.
“Icoulddragthatoutformonths,ifyou'dprefer.It'skindofa girlthing.”
“Pointtaken,”hesaid,walkingtowardsme.Ipulledonmypants justbeforehecorneredmeinthecloset.IkeptmybacktohimwhileI fumbledwithmytanktop,tryingtofigureoutwhichendwaswhichin thedark.
“Doesyourofferstillstand?”heasked,turningmearoundasI pulledthehemofmytopdownpastmynavel.
“Itdoes,butnowI'mtackingongoodbehavior.Youhaveto promisetotry,”Ipleaded.“Cooperwillbegettingthesamespeech,if thatmakesyoufeelanybetter.”
“Andwhatofthetrioofforeignersinyourlivingroom?MustIbe well-manneredtothemtoo?”
“I'mundecidedonthat,”Isaid,pullingmyselfuptokisshim quickly.“I'llkeepyouposted.”
“Dothat,”hesaidintensely.“IthinkCooper'srightaboutonething; it'stimeforyourunwantedhousegueststoleave."
“Sean,”Ibreathed,preparingforabattle.“Ireallywanttohear themout.”
“AndIwantto seethemout,”hecountered,positioninghisbody onlyinchesawayfrommine.
“Andtheycameheretoseeme,notyou,soI'mgoingtoentertain theirpleaandthendecidewhattodo,”Itoldhimfirmly."Thisisstillmy home,andI'mstillinchargeofwhatgoesoninit.Iknowthatfactpains bothyouandCoopergreatly,butit'sthetruthandyourreality.”His expressioncooledeversoslightly.“Please,Sean.Youaskmetotrust you.Pleasetrustmeenoughtodotherightthinghere."
Hisfacecontortedinsuchafamiliarwaythatitstartledme momentarily.HewasgivingmeCooper'sfamed'areyoufuckingkidding me?'face.Iknewthatgoodjudgmentwasn'tmystrongsuit,buttherewas somethingabouttheboysthatseemedhonest,despitetheirreserved energy.Theysavedmefrommyhell;Iowedthemone.IfIcouldhelp themescapefromtheirs,thenIwould.
“Please?”Iasked,pressingagainsthisfortressofabody.“I'm
askingyoutoletmeleadonthisone.”Hischestrumbledbeneathme.“I promise,thesecondbodiesneedtodrop,it'sallyouandCooper."
“Well,”hestarted,pullingmeupoffthefloortowrapmylegs abouthiswaist.“Sinceyouaskedsonicely..."Hepulledmeinforcefully forakiss.Itwasgoodthathewasholdingmeupbecausemybodywent weaktheinstanthestarted.
Heputmedownmomentslaterandstraightenedmydisheveled clotheswhileIcametomysenses.
“Ilikeitwhenyouaskformypermission,”hepurredinmyear.
“I'lldoitmoreoftenifthat'stherewardIget,”Ireplied,sounding mildlywinded.
Hiseyesweredarkerthannormal,butthatwasn'tentirely surprising.IwasgettingacrashcourseinhowtonavigateSean'ssplit personality.Whyhehaditinthefirstplacewasbecomingclearer,though itwasstillabitofamystery.Exactlyhowitworkedwastoo.
“Areyoutwofuckingfinishedinthereyet?”Cooperholleredfrom thelivingroom.
“Coming,”Isighed,notlookingforwardtoourfamilymeeting.
Seanlookedatmewithacontrolledharshnessthattoldmehewas havingahardtimelettingmetakethelead.Iplacedmyhandinhisand gavealittlesqueeze.
“Iguessweshouldgetthisoverwith,”Ilamented.
“Thesecondoneofthemscrewsup…”Seanstarted,eyeingme tightly.
“Agreed,”Inodded.“Youcangetmedievalonthem.”
Hechokedoutaharshandheartylaugh.
“I’veneverunderstoodthatsaying,”hedeclared,pullingme towardsthebedroomdoor.“Therewereperiodsintimefarmore torturousthanthatone.Iactuallyfoundthemedievalmethodstobe rathercivilized."
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