Mattywasonborrowedtime,andIknewit.
36
Mypromiseofnotsleepingwasacompletefarce.Wearrivedatmy apartmenttofindbodieslyingallaroundthelivingroom―alive,but snoring.Cooperhadthecouchandtheboyspepperedtheflooraroundit.
IassumedthatPeytaandJaytookCooper'sroom,unsureastowhetheror notSeanandIwouldbereturning.
IfellasleepthesecondIhitmybed,bloodyclothesandall,which surelyamusedSeantonoend.HeknewI'dbeenfullofitbackathis place,andIgavehimalltheammunitionnecessarytoneverletmeliveit down.Myhopewasthathecrashedjustasquickly.
Sleepmayhavecomeeasily,butitdidn'tstaylong.Iwokeupwith anuneasyfeelinginmystomachthatIjustcouldn'tstifle.Idecidedto haveashowerandcleanofftheremindersofwhathadhappened,thentry togotobedagain.Iwasruiningmygoodsheets.
Fiveminuteslater,Iemergedfromthebathroom―cleanclothes, wethair,andall.Isneakeddownthehalltomyroomasquietlyastheold woodenfloorwouldallowandcreptintobed,notwantingtowakeSean, whowassleepingpeacefully.Ilovedseeinghimthatway.
JustasIwasdriftingoff,Ifelthimthere,hoveringovermysideof thebedstaringdownatme.Inthelightofthemoon,Icouldseethrough Matty'sformtothedresserdirectlybehindhim.GiventhatPeytawas mostlikelyintheroomnexttous,Iknewitwasn'tagoodsign.
Theexpressionheworedidn’thelpmatters.
Hewenttospeak,butIshushedhimquicklywithanindexfingerto mymouth.Seanwasstillsleepingsoundlybesideme,andIdidn'tdare wakehim.IsignaledforMattytoheadoutoftheroombeforeI precariouslywormedmywayoutfromunderSean’sarm.Myapartment waschilly,butIdidn’twanttomakearuckussearchingmyroomfor somethingwarmtoputon,soIslippedoutoftheroominmytanktopand underwear.
Tiptoeingmywaydownthehall,Irealizeditwouldtakeasmall miracletonotwakeanyoneelseinmyquestforprivacy.Alivingroom fullofwerewolves,albeitsleepingones,wasnotgoingtobeaneasy obstacletoovercome.Imanagedtomakeittothedoorwithoutincident, butjustasIshiftedmyweighttoreachfortheknob,thefloorletouta groanandAlistairstirrednexttothearmchairhewaspassedoutbeside.I heldmybreath,waitingtoseeifmyplanwasfoiledbeforeitwasevenin play.Luckily,hewriggledaroundforamomentbeforesettlingback downintohisdeepslumber.
Withasilentsigh,Imadeitouttheapartmentdoorandfounda verytransparentMattywaitingformeonthelanding.Icarefullywalked aroundhim—thoughIcouldeasilyhavegonerightthroughhim—and continuedontowardthestudioupstairs,tryingdesperatelytokeepthe growingconcernfrommyface.Theamounthisheldwasmorethan enoughforthebothofus.
Theinstantweenteredthethirdfloorspacehestartedinonme.
“Something’swrong,Ruby,”hesaid,hisvoiceweakanddistant.
Myheartsankinstantly—hewasfading,justasPeytahadwarned.
Iinstinctivelyreachedforhim,butwasmetwithnothingbutcold airwhenmyhandpassedthroughhimeffortlessly.Myraggedbreath caughtinmythroatasittightened.Iwasnotreadyforthisinevitability.
“WhatdoIdo?”heasked,eyespleading.Ihadnothinghelpfulto offer.
“MaybeIshouldgetPeyta,”Iwhispered,staringathimblankly whilemyeyesstungwiththewellingtears.
“Don’tgo!”hecalledout,reachingforme.
“Ican’thelpyou.”Ichokedonthewordsastheyleftmymouth.
HadIeverdoneanythingtohelpMatty,ordidIonlycausehimgreater amountsofpain?“I’mgoingtogowakeher.She’llknowwhattodo.”
“I’mfading,aren’tI?”heasked,attemptingtoregaincomposure.
“Wedon’tknowthat,”Ireplied.Ihadtoturnawayfromhimsohe wouldn’tseethetearescapedownmycheek.
“You doknow.Tellme.Now!”
“Ican’t.”
“You can, ”hedemanded,flashinginfrontofme.“Tellme!”
“YES!”Iscreamed.“You’refading.It’sexactlyasPeytadescribed it.ButI’mnotready.I'mnotreadytoloseyouagain.Ijustgotyou back!”
Somuchformyattemptstonotwakeanyone.Iwasinfull-onfreak-outmode.Iknewitwouldonlybemomentsbeforewewerejoinedby everyonedownstairs.
“Sothisisgoodbyethistime?Forreal?”
Icouldn’tforcetheword'yes'outofmymouth,eventhoughIknew itwastrue.
BeforeIcouldofferaplacatingresponseofanysort,astampedeof supernaturalscamebarrelingthroughthedoor,withSeanandCooper leadingthepack.Onelookatthetwoofusstoppedthemallintheir tracks,likethey'djustwalkedinonthemostintimateofmoments.
Theysortofhad.
“Oh,Matty,”Peytawhispered,hereyesfullofpity.Shecouldn’t bringherselftosaywhatIchosenottoacknowledge.Itwasthelasttime we'deverseehimagain.
37
Westoodintheroom,staringateachothersilently.I’dalreadylosthim once—thethoughtofdoingitagainwasbeyondcomprehension.Iprayed forawaytokeephim,butevenI,inallmydenial,couldnotignorethe growingwhitemistthatcrepttowardhimfromthefarmirrors.The pearlescentglowwasoneIknewwell.I'dseenitbefore.
“It’stime,”Peytawhisperedfromsomewhereintheroom.Iwastoo preoccupiedtocare.
“Itwouldmakethissomucheasierifyouweren’tlookingatme likethiswasgoingtocrushyou,Ruby,”Mattydeclaredwithawansmile.
Ifonlyhe’dknownhowtruehiswordswere.
Hestolealookoverhisshoulderattheinvitingwhitecloudthat beckonedhimhome.Iglaredatitwithahatredsocoldthatmywhole bodynumbed.IfI'dknownhowtofightGodhimself,Iwouldhave challengedhimwithoutpause.Mattyneverdeservedthehandhewas dealt,andIwantedmorethananythingtokeephimfromhisfate.Hemay havebelievedthatheavenwasbetterthananythingearthhadtooffer,but Ilackedhisfaithandwasfartooselfishtocareevenifhewasright.
Headvancedtowardshisnewhome,andIreflexivelydoveafter him.
“Youcan’tgo,Ruby,”hesaid,holdingmeatbaywithhis expression.“It’sokay.I'llbeallright.”
“Matty,”Iwhispered,unabletofightbackmytears.
“I’mnotleavingyou,Ruby.Nobodycan.Wheneveryoudance,I’ll berighttherewithyou.”
Andwiththat,hewasgone.
Istormedtheclearingmist,crashingintothemirror,screaminghis namerepeatedly.Forthebriefestmoment,Isawhisimagelookingback atmefromwithinit,butitfadedfast.Muchtoofast.Myfingertips pressedthecoldglass,trailingoh-soslowlydown,unwillinglygivingup theirfighttoclaimhimfromwherehe'dgone.
Ifeltnothing.
Ineededtofeel something.
Myfistsslammedthereflectivesurfacethathadstolenmyfriend.
Overandoveragain,Ipoundedituntilglassshardsandbloodrained downaroundme.Painshotthroughmyarms,fillingtheemptinessthat Matty'sdeathhadleft.
Itwasastart.
AsIpummeledthewallbeforemeuntilmyknuckleswerebroken andmangled,Ifeltanarmencirclemywaist,pullingmeawayfrommy therapy.
“NO!”Iscreamed,flailingagainstmycaptor.
“Ruby,stop,”Seanwhispered,tryingtopinmyarmsdownwithhis.
Istruggledagainsthim,mybloodboilingwithrage.Out—Ihadto getitout,andhewasdenyingmetheonlyoutletthatI'dfoundcomfort in.Whilehespokelowandsoothingwords,IthoughtIwouldexplode, andcontinuedtofightinvaintoescapetheconfinesofhisgrasp.
Finally,withmyfrustrationhittingafeverpitch,Iscreamed.An unholysoundthatthreatenedtooverwhelmtheveryfiberofmybeing vibratedoutofmybody,releasingtheevilIfelt.Istrainedhardagainst Sean,bendingawayfromhim,curlingoverhisarmsasthesound continuedtopurgeitself.Itseemedt
olastforever.
Onceitended,mylegsgavewayandIcrumpledinSean’shold.My bodywasweak—myangergone.Butinsteadoftheemptinessreturning, asadnesssopenetratingimpaledmyheart,stoppingitshort.Ididn'tcare.
CaringtookenergyInolongerhad.
Heloweredmedowncarefully,curlinghisbodyaroundmine protectivelyuntilwekneltonthefloortogether.We'dbeeninasimilar situationayearearlier,onlythattimewewerefacetoface.Thistime, Seanengulfedmefrombehind,whisperingunintelligiblewordsinmyear soothingly.
“He’sgone,Ruby,”hesaid,finallyreachingmybarelycoherent mind.“ButIamnot.Iamherewithyounow,andIwillbewithyouuntil theendoftime.Youmayfallapart,butIwill alwayspickupthepieces.
Thereisnothingthatcankeepyoufromme.”
Iturnedbeneathhimtoseehisface.Hiseyesburnedbrightly, thoughframedbyapainedexpression.“YouandIarebeyondthisworld, Ruby.Beyondlove.”
“Willitstop?”Iasked,stillbarelyabletobreathe.“Thepain?Will itstop?”
Hepressedhislipstightlytogetherinasympatheticgesture, pushingastrandofloosehairoutofmyface.
“No.Itwon’t,”hesaidsoftly.“Butitwillsubside.Youhaveto learntocoexistwithpain,Ruby.It’snotblackandwhite.Notawaryou canwin.Ifyoukeeptryingtodefeatit,itwillerodeyouinsideuntil you'renothingbutashellofthepersonyouoncewere.Letmehelpyou.”
Thestakethatimpaledmewastornout,releasingmyheart—
releasingmyemotions.Isobbed,unabletocontainthesadness,nolonger abletocontrolthethingsIlongedtohideawayandignore.Ifellforward butSeanwasthere,catchingmebeforeIslammedtothefloor,scooping meupinhisarmswithease.
Heturnedtomakehiswaytotheexit,andIwasremindedthatwe werenotalone.Awallofsadfacesmetmine,someshowingthesignsof theirownemotionaloutbursts.Icouldn'tenduretheirstares,soIshifted inSean’sarms,clingingtohimlikeachild.Withmyfaceburieddeepin hisneck,Inolongerhadtofacethem,butIdidhavetocontendwiththeir sorrowfulenergiesinvadingmine.Seanwhiskedmeoutoftherequickly, asifheknewwhattheirpainandsympathywasdoingtome.Wewere downstairsinsecondsandtuckedawayinmybedroom,blockingoffthe majorityoftheassault.
Hesoothedmetosleep,mutteringinalanguageIcouldn't understandanddidn'tneedto.Hislovewasapparentregardless.Withme clutchedinhisarms,Ieventuallyfellasleep,andforonce,thenightmares stayedaway.
38
Iawoketoacacophonyofsoundinmylivingroom.WhenIsawthatit wasonly7:17a.m.,Isprangoutofbedtoseewhatwasgoingon.Alone inmyroom,Igrabbedabathrobetocoverupwithandstormedoutinto thehallwaytofindthesourceoftheruckus.Iwasn'tatallpreparedfor whatIsaw.
Thenewbieswereplayingsoccerwithatennisball,bankingitoffof thewalls,thefurniture,andanyothersurfacetheyfoundbeneficialto theirgame.Peytasatonthecouch,constantlyduckingtheflyingobject whileJayhoveredbythefrontdoor,tryingnottolaughandfailing miserablyatit.
AsImovedfurtherdownthehall,Isawthemostdistressingsight ofall.CooperandSeanwereinthekitchen―together―attemptingto makebreakfast,allwhilehavingtheirusualpowerstruggle.They bickeredbackandforthaboutwhoshouldbedoingwhatandhowand where;Ineverknewtherecouldbesomuchtodebateaboutfryingeggs.
Withallthecommotion,nobodyseemedtonoticemypresence,soI leanedagainstthehallwaywallandsoakedinallthecraziness.Thatwas tobemynewlife,anditstrangelymademesmile.Perhapsmydefinition offamilywasn'ttextbookperfect,butasIsilentlywatchedthemall creatingchaosandshenanigansinmyapartment,Iwasgladitwasn't.
MaybeMerriam-Websterdidn'tknowshit.
Epilogue
Weekswentbywithoutanydrama.
JayandSeanspentafairamountoftimetravelingbackandforthto theUK,tryingtosearchforwhoeverwasresponsibleforthetechnology thathadnearlyledtomydemise―ordid,dependingonhowyoulooked atit.Theireffortsturnedupnothingmorethandeadendsandmissing packmembers.Unfortunately,theyweredeadtoo.
Theboyswereacclimatingtotheirnewhomewell,allthings considered.Afteralotofthought,Idecidedtoremodelmydanceloft intoanapartmentforthem,eventhoughtheyinsistedthatthe accommodationswerefine.Cooperhadwantedtofindthemaplacein town,butIshutthatdown.Icouldfeelthat,foronce,theyfeltlikethey trulybelongedsomewhere,andIjustcouldn'tbringmyselftoforcethem outontheirown.CoopergotonboardwithmyideaafterIpointedout that hestilllivedwithmeforthatveryreason.Itfeltgoodtobe constantlyaroundpeoplewholovedyou.
Theboysmayhavebeensettlinginwell,butScarletwasnot.She andIwerelefttoonceagaintrytonavigateourmendingrelationship, anditwasnotgoingsmoothly.Sherarelyspoketomeandwanted nothingtodowithcomingout.Shemayhavebeenback,butshewasn't backtonormal.
Sean'shostilitytowardherdidn'tseemtohelpmattersmuch.I guessifIhadknownthathisdark-eyedpersonawaswaitingtogrillme,I wouldn'thavebeentooexcitedaboutshowingmyselfeither.Ineededto knowwhathappenedwhileshewaslooseandIwascaged,sothatif anythingrequiredcleaningup,itcouldbedonesoonerratherthanlater.
Sheappearedtopreferthelateroption―much,muchlaterattheratewe weregoing.
OnerelationshipthatwasdoingwellwasPeyta’sandJay's.They weremoreinlovethanever,andIhadthedistinctpleasureofhearing aboutitconstantlyattheshop.Ifshewasn'tgushingaboutJay,shewas ramblingonabouthowchangedhermotherwassincesheandMalcolm hadstarteddating.Ronnieevenputherfirearmsaway.AshappyasIwas thatPeytaenjoyedthisnewsideofhermother,Icouldn'thelpbutbe leeryofit.Iwantedtocheckherfordogtagsjusttobesurehermind wasn'tbeingcontrolledtoo.Somehow,Iknewthegesturewouldn'thave beenappreciated.
Peytadidmentionthathermotherwasinquiringalotmoreabout Jay―hishistory,hisrelationshiptotheothersinhispack,andother pointedquestionsthathadmeabitunsettled.EventhoughRonniehad softened,Iknewshehadn'tchangedovernight.Shewasshrewdand mildlyparanoid,adeadlycombinationforsure.Iwasworriedthatshe wasontosomethingaboutthePCorhadfinallyseenenoughofPeytain actiontotrulystarttowonderwhyshe'dneverheardofsomethinglike herbefore.RonnieknewmoreaboutwerewolvesandpacklifethanIdid.
Happyandinloveornot,shewasn'tgoingtokeepbuyingourcoverstory forever.
Fromcoverstoriestocover-ups,theMcGurneymysterystill remainedunsolved.Knowingthatsomethingwasoffaboutthemurder, Alaninsistedoninvestigating,withorwithoutmyhelp,buthestartedto respecttheboundariesthatheandIhadtooperateunder.Hestarted treatingmemorelikethedaysofold,butclearlyhadreservations, especiallywhenitcametomebeingaroundhisfamily.Aftereverything thathadhappened,itwasunderstandable,butIfeltlikeheknewthat, whenitwasallsaidanddone,Iwasonhisside.Iwantedtoknowwhat hadhappenedtoMcGurneytoo―onlyforverydifferentreasons.
Weneverseemedtofindagoodtimetodiscusstheletterhehad attemptedtoshowmeatmyapartment.Wheneverwethoughtthecoast wasclear,Kristywouldshowupandwewouldbeforcedtocurtailour discussion.Itwasn'tamatterhewantedtodiscussoverthephoneorat theprecinct,andcomingtomyplacewasoutofthequestion,soour optionswerelimited.Astimewenton,sheseemedtomakeitharderand harderforustobealone,butthebottomlinewasthatIwasgoingtosee whatwasonthatpaper―beforeanyoneelsedid.
AsmuchasIwantedmylifetostaydrama-free,Iwasahardcore realist.Knowingthatchaoswasaninevitability,Inervouslywaitedfor theothershoetodrop.Eventually,thatdropcameintheformofabizarre dreamIhadnotlongaftertheTobiasshowdown.Seanhadjustcome backfromtheUKforthatlasttimeandwe'djustspentana
mazingnight together.ApparentlyitwasalittletooamazingfortheUniverse'sliking.
Inthemiddleofthenight,Ishotupinbed,startlingSeanawake besideme.HeimmediatelydrilledmewithquestionswhileItriedto wrapmyheadaroundwhatI'djustheardinmysleep.Ihadbecome accustomedto seeingthingsthatjarredmefrommyslumber.Iwasn't usedtoonlyhearingthem.
Sean'smothersoundedpositivelyfrightened.
Shesaidonlyonething―awarning.“Hemustfindherfirst―the Unbornone.Sheissafenolonger.Iftheyfindherfirst,shewilldie.”
Thenshedisappeared.
WhenItoldSeanwhatshesaid,heseemedjustasconfusedasIdid.
Whowasthismystery she,andwhydidSeanhavetofindher?Ihoped thathismotherwouldreturntomeagainandexpandonherenigmatic message,butsheneverdid―Ineverheardfromheragain.SoSeanandI wereleftwithasenseofurgencyforsomepersonwhomneitherofus knewhowtofind.Scarletwasnohelpeither.Seanhadyetanother mysterytosolvewithnoleads,noclues,andapotentiallyfataloutcome fortheonehesought,thoughforonce,thatdeathwouldnotbebyhis hands.
ThentherewasGavin.
Itdidn'tseemtomatterhowmuchtimeIspentaroundhimover thoseweeksorhowmanycrypticconversationswehad,Ijustcouldn'tget arealreadonhim.Iknewhewasn'tgoingtohurtmedirectly,but somethingabouthimwasoff.Iconstantlyfeltthathehadanagenda,and thatsomehowIwasanimportantpieceofit.
Iwasn'tafanoffeelinglikeapawn,nordidIlikethepotentialof actuallybeingone,butGavinhadanswers―answersIwanted―likewho thewomaninthephotowasandwhatterriblethingsSeanhaddoneinthe pasttomakeGavinloathehimlikehedid.Iwonderedifthosetwoissues didn'tsomehowgohandinhand.Iwantedthetruthatanycost,butIstill wasn'twillingtoriskaskingSean,playingrightintoGavin'sdeviously craftedhand.Instead,Iwasdeterminedtofindawaytodragitoutofthe Chameleondirectly.MybiggestfearwasthatonceIgotitout,I'd immediatelywanttoputitbackin.
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