by Ally Blake
But this wasn’t real life. It was a moment out of time. One that was fast nearing its end. A moment, nevertheless, she knew she’d never regret. Even if having opened herself up to it so wholly she already knew she’d feel the lack of it, of him, for the rest of her life.
She pulled away first, grabbing her hat playfully and shoving it on top of her head, low to cover her eyes. When she walked out of the chapel into the sunshine, it took a few moments for Kane to follow.
Chapter 22
The walk down was easier. And harder.
JJ’s nerves jangled from the aftereffects of his kiss, his comfort, his mere presence. The peace she’d found in the little chapel had well and truly stayed in the little chapel.
“Hungry?” he asked, shortening his strides to walk beside her.
The bananas had been burned up halfway up the hill. Besides, food meant heading back to the beach. To company. To not finding herself alone with Kane, which was when these kinds of thoughts and feelings seemed to develop. “Starving.”
When they reached the jalopy she tried to wrench open the door without success. So with a resigned sigh held up her arms so he could lift her in.
His hands trailed across her backside as he dropped her carefully into her seat, sending shockwaves of awareness rocking about inside of her. She flashed back to her last boss’s attempt to woo her by way of an ass grab, and the pitiful comparison brought on a bark of laughter. Which turned into laughter so uproarious she had to hold her belly to combat a stitch.
“Everything okay there?”
Wining away a tear, JJ said, “You shouldn’t do things like that, you know.”
“Like what?” he asked, rocking back on his heels.
She shielded her eyes against the sun at his back. “Lifting women in and out of cars.”
“Why not?”
“It’s not fair to your fellow men.”
A quick smile brought his dimple out to play and she considered telling him not to do that either. But she’d also given away too much. So much she wasn’t sure she’d ever get it back.
“Not women,” he said as he walked around the front of the beat up old car. “Just you.”
Well, that stopped her laughter short.
JJ felt every second it took for the car to grunt and creak back to the beach. Only when they reached the jetty they kept going, further along the coast, over some hills and down to another beach which, while not deserted, was populated only by locals.
A group of adorable girls and boys with bright eyes and big white smiles took her by the hand and beckoned her out of the car. This time she managed to climb over the door with less grace than determination, and with a glance back at Kane she followed.
Hooking a homemade lei around her neck, tucking a big red wildflower behind her ear, all the while chattering away in broken French, they tugged her towards a smaller jetty, older, rickety, with crooked branches and tightly wrapped vines keeping it in place.
The Pacific spread out before her, a million shades of aqua, with the horizon a hazy blue curve so decisive it was hard not to believe that way led to the end of the earth.
But between her and the great beyond was a large straw mat, rough-hewn cushions and a picnic—fruit, cheeses, focaccia she recognized as having come from the ship, and fresh coconut milk in half shells.
She glanced back at Kane who was a couple of meters behind, watching her carefully. And it dawned on her that his finding her on the beach as she’d first arrived hadn’t been a happy accident. He’d had this organized in advance. For her.
He motioned for her to sit. Her legs were shaking so bad she was glad to do so, nestling her backside into a big cushion. He moved his closer before resting back into the thing, long legs stretched back towards the beach.
“How could you even before sure I’d come?” she blurted, once the kids had all faded away, their happy chatter now wafting on the still air.
“I knew you’d have swum here rather than risk bumping into me. After last night.”
She sank her head into her hands. Her voice muffled as she said, “And that doesn’t piss you off?”
“I get it. It was intense. Sometimes it feels easier to walk away than it is to face that kind of moment.”
The blinding sun was momentarily hidden behind a stray waft of cloud, sunlight dappling them with streaks and shadows. And while Kane held her with his eyes, the urge to sink into him was so acute, JJ only kept herself still by sheer force of will.
His voice rumbled over her as he said, “But life’s taught me that everything you do is a choice. To hit the snooze button, or not. To walk, or to run. To get angry, or to get over it. Every decision. Every day.”
“So you woke up this morning and chose to do this for me.”
“Easiest choice I’ve made in a long time,” he said, reaching for a bottle of sparkling water wrapped in condensation, pouring her a glass.
It took ’til they were halfway through the meal before the shock began to dissipate into something more along the lines of a heavenly daze.
JJ slid her feet out of her sandals, ran her soles gently along the grain of the distorted wood of the ancient pier. She closed her eyes and tilted her face, sunshine baking her skin and relishing the bite of salt on the back of her tongue.
“My plan was to come somewhere just like this on my honeymoon.”
“I know.”
Of course he knew.
“So this . . .” she said, slowly piecing things together even while her walled up heart fought against it.
“I just thought it would be something you’d enjoy.”
Rubbish. He was giving her a taste of the honeymoon she’d never had. When most men she’d dated had struggled to give her a key, a drawer, a second thought. She’d blamed the men, but the truth was she’d always made it hard for anyone to get close. Fear of hurting, of being hurt. Fear of getting what she wanted and it still not being enough.
As Kane sat next to her, so big and strong, so kind and beautiful, so present and constant, JJ’s heart walloped inside her chest, beating against the walls she’d built up around it what felt like a lifetime ago. In a last ditch effort at self-protection, she said, “So this is a pity date.”
He blinked, reared back, then his eyes narrowed. “Don’t.”
“Don’t what?”
“Do that.”
“You can’t tell me what to do. This doesn’t give you the right. Neither does a couple of kisses and one night together.” She felt her mouth running away from her and despite Kane’s big words about everything in life being a choice, she couldn’t stop.
When she dusted off her pants and made to haul herself to her feet, he grabbed her by the hand, toppling her onto her back on his cushion and rolling to pin her there. At least she felt pinned. It took several heavy breaths before she realized the only one keeping her there was her.
“Don’t,” he insisted again. “You don’t need to do that. Not with me.”
Under the heat of his body, captive to the sincerity in his words and the vehemence in his eyes she lifted her head and kissed him. Moaning when he kissed her back, hard. Heat flowed between them like a brushfire, fast and dangerous, burning everything in its path.
In fact if it wasn’t for the pitter patter of feet rumbling through her back, alerting her to the fact that their little friends had returned, she might have burned hot enough to necessitate tearing off all their clothes and having at it right there on the jetty.
Her eyes snapped open in time to see a local boy run past; barefoot, brown-skinned, smile as wide as his face.
“Pardonnez moi, Madame!” he called as he scooted around her.
JJ followed, her head toppling back, the world upside down as the boy leapt into the air, contrasted against the sky—all skinny limbs and spirit—before falling to the water with the quietest splash.
Wild and free.
“They think we’re married.”
“I’m sorry . . . what?” she said, her face
whipping back to look at Kane. His jaw ticking, his eyes dark with desire.
“If they thought you were single they’d call you Mademoiselle.” Kane lifted himself away to grab a berry which he threw into his mouth.
“Are you going to tell them or am I?”
“You speak French?”
“Non.”
The man’s grin was heart-attack material. “C’est la vie. Swim?”
“After all that food?”
“It’s restorative. Sweat, tears, the ocean—salt water’s the ultimate cure-all.”
She agreed with the sweat part. Running had proven that. She wasn’t much of a crier. Give her a heart-tugging commercial and she might choke up a little but when it came to the real stuff she was . . . impenetrable.
At least she usually was. This guy had a way of turning her to marshmallow.
Kane stood. Stripped off his shirt. Made JJ forget what it was she’d been so het up about mere moments before. He was all rugged muscle, and golden brown skin, with a smattering of chest hair, and a perfect pair of muscles that arrowed from the hips all the way down . . .
She swallowed. Hard.
And stripped.
The second her shorts hit the deck leaving her bikini-ready, he picked her up, threw her over his shoulder and tipped her into the sea.
Breathless before she even hit the water, she found it buoyant, beautiful. And warm. An ocean away from the cold silvery water of Sydney harbor.
She swam to the shallows where the perfect white sands shifted beneath her feet and watched as Kane did a perfect dive into the depths. He joined her, droplets tracing the dips between his muscles. Sunlight glinting off him as if he was made of gold.
“I don’t get you at all,” she said, reaching to slide a hand through his silken wet hair. “You put up with me better than I put up with myself.”
“I keep telling you, you’ve got to give yourself a break, JJ. Nobody’s perfect.”
“Says Mr. Perfect himself.”
He lifted her so that her legs naturally went around his waist. “I’m far from perfect.”
“You mean your leg?”
“That too.”
“Prove it.”
A beat, then a few more, as Kane stared unseeingly out across the bright blue water. Then, “I had a brother. Younger. He’s not around anymore.”
JJ tensed. Until Kane ran a hand up and down her back. Softening her, even as he disappeared deep behind his eyes.
She cupped his chin, turned his face until he looked at her. And when he did it let in all kinds of emotions she’d worked hard to keep at a safe distance. Yet still she asked, “What happened?”
“He was six when he was diagnosed with muscular dystrophy. He was in leg braces by the age of ten. A wheelchair at twelve. But he was the brightest, cheekiest, funniest kid I knew. He died the summer he turned twenty-four. It . . . I went off the rails after that.”
“Your leg,” she said again, only this time the words caught in her throat.
Enough that his eyes narrowed, and then the clouds began to clear. A quick frown, a deep breath, then, “Yeah. Last thing he asked of me was to live a life big enough for the both of us. After he was gone, I took that to mean I had to go big or go home. He loved that I played pro ball. Gave him such a kick. I can’t imagine being so magnanimous in his place. Taking that to an insane degree, I threw myself at every extreme sport I could.”
His thigh lifted between hers, stretched. The only outward sign JJ had seen of any of this.
Except in his eyes. Those clear blue eyes had held the pain, the regret, the depth that had caught at her as much as his gorgeousness. It had never been as simple as the guy being hotter than the hood of a Holden, but that he’d suffered and survived.
“And then this job landed in my lap. And I could go out my front door without being photographed, my choices constantly questioned.”
“But it’s not just a job for you, is it?”
“It pays the bills.” The smile didn’t reach his eyes.
“Kane,” she chastised, wrapping him up tighter, sank every inch of herself into him. Wide-open now, all the want pulsing out of her into the warm water, she curled around the man in her arms until she wanted to know everything.
He ran a hand over his face before settling it on her shoulder, running down her arm, tucking it around her waist. “I took it because our best time growing up were coming to the beach as kids, scouring cliffs for rock pools and secret beaches we were sure no other beachcombers had ever found. And I took it as a way to hide. But I love it, yeah. Especially the golden oldies. There’s something life affirming about how much these guys live. And love. Makes me see I’ve been given a second chance. Throwing yourself at life ’til it hurts isn’t the answer. Neither is running away from it.”
No more clouds in his eyes, he looked into hers. Searching for something. She had no idea if he’d find what he was looking for, wasn’t sure what she’d do about it if he did. All she knew was that she’d never felt more exposed, decadent, warm, genuine.
He tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. His big hand remaining on her cheek. He leaned in and kissed her jaw, the soft spot below her ear, the corner of her mouth.
By the time his lips found hers she was trembling.
And she knew—Kane wasn’t messing around anymore. This was something else. Something fragile and precious. Something she’d never had before. Something she was pretty sure was so far beyond her experience she had not a clue what to do.
*
Dressed, sun-dried, well-fed, skin stinging from the salt and a little too much sun, JJ watched the island go by as Kane drove her back to the main jetty, one hand on the wheel, the other on her knee.
She ran a thumb over his hand, until the ridges and scars the calluses and broken knuckles became memories.
Five days, gonged through her head. She’d known this man five days. A few kisses, a few more conversations, and yet she felt things for him she’d never felt in her life. Ever.
What she wasn’t sure about was why. Was it because she’d never let herself? So scarred by the fact that her mum adored her father so desperately she let him get away with anything.
Or was it all about Kane?
She needed to know, because if things kept progressing the way they were she was on her way to falling for him. She could feel it in her belly, like at any given moment she could be tipped upside down and not remember what it felt like being the right way up.
And while she knew he cared for her, appreciated how often he went out of his way to look out for her, when the cruise was over whether he meant to or not, would Kane crush her? Would she be like her mother and let him? Would it be worth it?
Chapter 23
JJ joined the crowd lined up to take the boat back to the ship.
When Kane set her on the boat with a helping hand, cameras whirred. Only the flicker of Kane’s cheek proved he’d noticed. Of course, he then helped every other woman on board just the same. JJ rather enjoyed taking that photo for proof.
She watched him standing on the end of the jetty as the tender bounced back across the waves, the sun setting around them tinting the distant clouds a vibrant peach. And the magic of the day already began fading into the hazy blur of memory.
When she got back to the ship, she felt exhausted, wired. Feeling . . . Feeling. Which for her was near a miracle. Want was so far down the list of feelings as to be nonexistent as these new feelings swamped every other urge in their path.
Best thing would have been a shower and bed.
But she felt a sudden need to touch base with home. Real life. To make sure it was really still there.
She took a slot at the ship’s email café to find an email from Erica.
Subject: re: you are dead to me
Oh my heavenly host!
I thought you were kidding, but when I didn’t hear from you again I checked and I’m sooooooooooo sorry! Please tell me you’re okay. Please tell me there’s a cute purser
bringing you croissants thrice daily while you hide out in your room.
In the hopes that this might go some ways to making it up to you . . . I may have found you a job! One of the guys here is leaving to start working for a band promoter and he mentioned that they were struggling to find a jill of all trades to round out the crew. I told him about you, and all the temp jobs you’ve done, and he said you sound perfect. You’d travel and meet lots of cool people. The money’s peanuts but think of the adventure! Maybe this was all meant to be! (Forgive me, yet?)
Can’t wait to see you. Counting down the days . . .
E
Wow. Unexpected. And amazing, right? A job! Touring! Adventure! Except JJ couldn’t seem to get herself all worked up about it. Probably because real life didn’t in fact feel all that real.
Nothing felt all that real in fact. Probably because after her day with Kane she still felt heavy and loose while also floating an inch off the ground.
Her fingers hovered over the keyboard as she made to change the subject to counting down the days. Instead her fingers curled into themselves and she looked past the edges of the small café to the bustling lobby beyond.
At the gaudy carpets and the spritzes of neon in the walls. Soaking in the happy chatter and bursts of laughter. The riot of color and the occasional purple polo shirts.
And told herself in no uncertain terms This . . . This is Not Real.
Yet, instead of counting down the days, she typed:
Subject: considering
I’m fine. I’m safe. I’ve yet to invest in a Hawaiian shirt or grow any sympathetic grey hairs.
Having a great time. Forgiveness done.
Can’t wait to hear more about the other.
Love JJ
Then she slunk to her room, under her covers without even taking a shower and fell into a deep dark dreamless sleep.
Chapter 24
The next day the ship began its long journey back to Sydney. It lent the air a certain finality even though there were two full days to go.
Worn out from the day trips, conversations were more subdued, activities table-bound, and like an old clock that needed winding, the entire ship began to slow.