by Ford, Mia
“Hello?” Tommy shakes his head in disgust at me. “Savannah, is that you?”
“Jayden, I… I don’t know if I should have called you but I don’t know what to do anymore.” Instantly I bolt up straighter. She sounds drunk and panicked, I’ve never heard her like this before. She was always so calm and happy before. “I’m scared.”
“You’re scared.” I’m protective of anyone, that’s just a part of me, that’s what drew me to this career, but with Savannah it’s more. It’s always been stronger and I guess a decade doesn’t change that. “Why?”
“He’s gone. He’s gone and people keep telling me he’s dead but he isn’t. He can’t be…”
“He? Who are you talking about?”
“You know who she’s talking about,” Tommy practically yells so I can’t hear what she says. “She’s talking about her husband. The man that she married instead of you like a fucking mug.”
I roll my eyes and shush him. Maybe I shouldn’t have ever told him that tale.
“Savannah, calm down a minute and please tell me what’s going on.”
“I need your help. I need you to come here. You’re the only person I can trust.”
“I can’t just… up and come. I’m in the army. It doesn’t work like that.”
“Please, Jayden, you don’t understand. I’m scared, I’m alone, no one gets it.”
“Just hang up the fucking phone, Jayden,” Tommy cries out again. “Don’t let her mug you off again.”
I press my finger over my ear to block him out. He doesn’t understand, he can’t get it, he only heard a bit of the story. There’s no way he can get why I feel so deeply for Savannah, it’s too intense for me to explain.
“Please, Jayden. I don’t know who else to turn to. You’re the only person. Even after all this… this time…”
“Look, Savannah, you’ve been drinking, so it might be better if we have this conversation sober…”
“I only had one drink. He gave me something. It was in the water. To make me woozy.”
“Gave you what?” I’m on high alert. That’s fucked up. “Who gave you something?”
“Jayden, I never should have married him. It was always you I wanted… it was always… always…”
Her words are something I’ve always wanted her to say, but she never has. Much as I don’t want to hear it now when it’s been so long that I should be over her by now, and when she’s wasted too, it shouldn’t feel as good as it does. I feel fucking pathetic, I almost want to give myself a smack because if it.
“Okay, that’s fine, I understand.” I gulp noisily. “I’ll see what I can do, okay?”
“I didn’t want to get married, and now I’m in this mess. It never should have happened…”
“Savannah, I can’t hear this right now. We shouldn’t do this while you’re… well, whatever is going on with you. I’ll see what I can do. I’ll come to help you and we’ll go from there.”
“You promise that you’ll come? Because I don’t think I can go on if you don’t. I need you.”
“I’ll come. You call me in the morning and I’ll come, okay? It’ll be fine.”
She stays on the other end of the line for a few moments breathing heavily. I should hang up but I don’t, I wait until she does it. Once she’s gone, a black cloud of gloom hangs over my head. I don’t feel right. This is the only bad side of this job. In any other job I could just get up and leave right now, but here I’ll have to wait for permission.
“You are not fucking serious, mate?” Tommy actually looks mad. “You aren’t going to drop everything and run because Pretty Princess Savannah calls you up? What’s wrong with her? More rich girl problems?”
“Don’t, Tommy.” I shake my head. “It isn’t like that. She isn’t like that.”
“I know I don’t know her, but you’ve told me enough for me to understand her character. She was your friend in the first year of college, she led you on so you thought you’d actually have a chance, you fell for it, not seeing that you were just her bit of rough on the side. She wanted you around to make her feel better.”
“Ouch!” I try to make a joke out of it but his words hurt like hell.
“Then, when fucking asshole rich tosser, Bryan fucking Janssen came along with the approval of her father and she ran into his arms instead. She left college, leaving you a fucking pathetic scum bag.”
“Wow. It sounds like you have a real high opinion of me. Pathetic scum bag. Wow.”
“No, it isn’t you that’s the problem. You’re a fucking handsome chap who isn’t a total dick head as well. Why wouldn’t she pick you? Honestly, that prissy bitch has an issue. She’s a fucking nut case.”
“I don’t know. I’m not totally sure what happened back then but she needs me now.”
“Tough. Who the hell cares? Let her deal with her own bullshit.”
“Nah.” I shake my head, “You didn’t hear it. Her tone, she’s freaked out, she’s scared.”
“Scared? About what? Having too much money? Having too nice a life? Fuck that bitch.”
“No, she isn’t like that. Honest. Savanah has always been a good person. She’s not bad…”
“I don’t care about her, I care about you. I don’t want you to get hurt.”
I know what he means, I really was destroyed when Bryan came into the picture. I was also a crumbling mess when I told Tommy the tale. Maybe I still was just a little bit. I do still feel like there’s a piece of my heart that belongs to her and it probably always will. That’s why I can’t give myself fully to anyone else.
The last ten years have been very lonely. No one has stuck around for very long. A few months, sometimes a couple of weeks, often no more than the odd night.
“I know you do and I appreciate it, but I kinda think this is something I need to do.”
“So, you’re going to go to her house and help her, despite the fact that she’s married to someone else? You don’t think it’s going to hurt to see her with another man? Loving him, being his wife, all of that?”
I chew down on my bottom lip to keep my real emotions inside. He’s right, I get it, but I still feel a deep, intense pull. It’s in my chest, tugging at my heart strings, crying out to me.
“I don’t know. I’ll be honest with you, I have no idea what I’m going to do. I’ll just wait until morning.”
“Mate, like I said before, you have the shittiest Poker face I’ve ever seen in my life. I already know that you’re headed out to see this bitch as soon as you’re allowed to. You’re a grown ass man who can do whatever the hell you want, but I’m warning you against this. I’m telling you now that it can only lead to trouble.”
I say nothing, we both know he’s right, but I’m just not the sort of person who can turn my back on the past. And while Savannah might only be a small part of my history, she’s been the most dramatic. No one has had an impact on me like she has. Now, I’m thinking about inviting her back in.
Tommy’s right, it’s stupid, but I don’t know what else I can do. Savannah needs me, and I need to be there for her. Even if it kills me, even if all these feelings only get worse, for her I’ll accept anything.
That’s always been the way.
3
Savannah
“Are you feeling better this morning, sweetheart?” Bryan is all love and kisses this morning. There isn’t a scrap of anger to be seen in his face which makes me wonder if I battered it last night. I had been drinking, far more than I told anyone, and I have been very much on edge recently. “You look a lot happier.”
“I am, thank you.” I brush my hair out of my face and hand him his coffee cup. “Thanks for taking care of me. How was your event last night? I’m terribly sorry I couldn’t make it. I hope you explained for me…”
“Oh, don’t worry. The Covendis family are very understanding. All of our neighbors are.”
Through his much too fake smile I can see the lies he’s told the people in our community about me. After the trage
dy that’s befallen me, people are much too understanding about my ‘’depression’ and ‘mental imbalance’ in person, but what they say behind closed doors must be something else. It also works in Bryan’s favor though.
“Oh good. Well, they are good people. All of our friends are.” Our friends. What a fucking joke.
“I know. And I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that they all wish you well.” He grabs me and kisses the top of my forehead. I have to remain still as a statue so I don’t squirm under his touch. “Everyone wants you to recover sooner rather than later. They all miss seeing you around. I said it shouldn’t be too much longer, right?”
The threat is there. I can sense it in the undertone of his words. To the outside world I’m sure we look like the perfect couple. We have it all, the lovely house, the great cars, the money. Bryan has a great job which earns him more every single day. We have friends, a great social life, it seems like our marriage is perfect…
What no one can see is the nasty undercurrent which gets worse every single day.
Bryan hates me, I don’t think he’s ever loved me, even in the beginning when it really seemed like it, I think it was a game now. All of it, just to lure me in. He wants a housewife, someone he considers beautiful on his arm, my family money helps too, I imagine, but he doesn’t want me. He’s never wanted me.
I know he’s fucking other women. His secretary, probably, she’s beautiful. That other girl who works behind the bar he’s always at, as well. But I’m not one of those dumb women who’s trying to ignore what’s going on, I just don’t care. He can do what he wants, the further he’s away from me, the better.
“Oh, I don’t think it’ll be much longer too. In fact, I’m feeling much better already.”
He smiles and kisses the top of my head. His thumb brushes over my cheek and for a second, I think he might actually be being nice to me, trying to comfort me because of everything I’m going through…
But then he says, “you really need to remember to wear make-up, Savannah. You’re coming on for thirty now. It will come for you quicker than you think. Don’t let yourself go, okay?”
I tense up, anger floods every single one of muscles but I leave it there until the front door shuts behind him. Then I let it out in the loudest scream I can manage. I smash my coffee cup against the wall causing the liquid to splash dark brown over all the pristine whiteness, and the china smashes everywhere. It helps me, but only for a second because I know I’m the only one around here to clean that up. It’ll have to be clean before he gets home.
“Peter is your son too, you asshole!” I yell. “Why don’t you care about him? How can you not care?”
I slide to the ground and collapse in a heap on the cold kitchen tiles, all images of a perfect housewife floating away. I know Bryan never loved Peter either, he didn’t get excited when I found out that I was pregnant, and he’s never made any effort with him since he’s been here, but he’s still a part of him. He should be gutted now.
Losing Peter has brought everything into focus, it’s made me see that I shouldn’t be with Bryan, I never should’ve been with him. He’s always been horrible, but I chose to ignore it. I guess deep down I made the decision that it was more important to have that family unit than to be happy.
I got caught up in the hype I suppose, and now it’s falling apart.
Fucking hell. I’m an idiot. I hate myself for being a fucking idiot.
“Peter, mommy loves you,” I call out as if my six year old can hear me somewhere in the house. “I love you so much, I wish you were still here. I wish none of that had happened.” My tears turn into full blown sobs. “I’m a useless mother. I should have protected you, I could’ve done more. Why didn’t I?”
A deep sense of loss encompasses me, but my immune system fights it. A part of me knows that the moment I give in to that sadness it’ll kill me, and while I might be more than ready for that I can’t go out without one last fight. Everyone can tell me that Peter is dead but I refuse to accept it. Not yet.
I scramble upwards, forcing myself to stand. My legs don’t want to hold my weight but the surge of determination won’t give in. My darting brain won’t settle on anything in particular, but I know I need to do something. If my boy is out there somewhere, as his mother, it’s up to me to find him.
I grab my cell phone and the phone book and I look through the pages. I don’t even know what I’m hunting for until I find it. As soon as I do, it seems perfect. A private investigator, that’s what these people are designed for. They find things the cops can’t, they have ways of searching things out. Even if they aren’t always legal…
Yes, this is it. This is what I need to do. I feel good knowing that I’ve chosen correctly.
* * *
“No, please don’t hang up!” I cry into the hand set but it’s too late. I’m talking to the dial tone. The third one. No one wants to deal with me, no one will listen. My husband has gotten to them all first and no one will see through that. He’s probably paid them all not to even acknowledge me which makes it very hard.
Suspicious too. I mean, he might have spun them a story where I’m insane and I can’t accept my son’s death, but to me this just confirms that something else is going on here. He’s probably involved.
“Fucking hell!” I scream while smacking my phone against my forehead. “Fuck sake.”
How am I supposed to find my son if there’s no one in the world to assist me? I’ve already proven that I can’t do it alone. I’m useless, stuck here unable to move without my husband’s powerful eye…
Ring, ring… ring, ring…
I jump and nearly drop the phone, an excitement brewing as I think it might be one of those guys calling back. Maybe one of the investigators has had a change of heart. Someone must realize I need them.
“Oh, Pippa.” I hit the answer button. “Hey, Pippa, is everything okay?”
“Shouldn’t I be the one who asks you that? You left me a rambling voice mail last night.”
“I did?” I have vague memories. But very vague. Almost dream like. “Oh, sorry about that.”
“You were all scared and talking about Peter. Bryan too, I assume he did something?”
“Erm?” I can’t really remember any of it. I know I felt scared but I don’t know why. I mean, I’m used to his temper. It doesn’t usually freak me out, but I suppose if I was drunk then maybe…
“You didn’t just sound wasted. Something was going on. I wish I’d called you last night but I finished late…”
“It’s okay. I’m okay. I was just… well, sad you know. I wanted someone to talk to.”
“Yeah, I know.” She sighs sadly. “It’s hard, I understand that. Do you think you might be allowed to hang out with me any time soon? I’d love to chat with you again, it feels like it’s been forever.”
“Oh, you know it isn’t like that.” I gulp loudly. “He’s just… he keeps me busy.”
We both know that isn’t the case but leave it there. Bryan is something we’re never going to agree on… or actually, I do agree with her but I can’t vocalize it. Not really. Not yet. Although I might be getting closer.
“So, we’re going to hang out soon, yeah? Promise me because I want to check on you.”
“I’m so lucky to have you, Pippa.” I feel emotional. “Honestly, thank you so much for being my best friend.”
She’s the one person who will only be here for me, never him. I love her for that.
“Oh, I have to get to work. My boss is calling.” As a journalist, she’s always on the run. That’s why she works late, early, all the damn time. The only story she didn’t really work on involved me. “I’ll call you later.”
“Yeah, thanks, Pippa. I’ll call you later, no more drunken ramblings, I promise you.”
With that, she leaves. She’s hangs up the phone and I’m left all by myself again. I do have a slightly warmer feeling in my chest. I no longer feel like I’m quite by myself, but she isn’t here right now.
Like everyone else, she isn’t here because of him. So many people aren’t here because of him.
“Who now?” I stare at the phone. “Who else do I have? No one, that’s who.”
I sigh and grab a cloth from the side, finally about ready to tackle this coffee stain. Since I can’t push forward and get anywhere, I suppose I should try and make the shitty life I have here a little easier. I mean, I have to stay here for now, there isn’t anywhere I can go until I have this sorted, so I should stop the inevitable row…
Bleep, bleep.
Again, I get that bolt of hope. A PI, someone to help me, a savior…
Jayden: So, I take it you aren’t going to call me then? Shall I forget last night?
“Oh my God. I forgot about that.” I clap my hand against my mouth. “Jayden Walker.”
Maybe he’s it, my answer. My hero. Not someone I’ve spoken to in a decade, pushed away by him but someone who I can trust. Someone who might well have the contacts I need to assist me.
Savannah: I’m sorry, I messed up calling you. But I do still need help, only if you can?
I suck in a breath and wait. It feels like the times are ticking past heavily but soon it comes to life again.
Jayden: You need me, I’ll be there. I’ll call you when I’m in town.
“Oh, thank God.” I clutch my phone to my chest just about ready to weep with relief. Maybe this won’t help, maybe it’ll still not happen for me, but I finally have a burst of hope. “Oh, Jayden.”
Savannah: You are my hero. Honestly, you have no idea.
I almost type the words ‘I love you’ at the end but I stop myself at the last moment. I can’t tease him with that, it isn’t right, not when we’ve had something of a history surrounding that area.
Peter needs me to be on top, he needs me to be strong, whatever that takes.
4
Jayden