“Right. See you.”
Damn it all, that wasn’t good enough. With his history, Robin needed to know I trusted him. He’d never done a thing to me that I hadn’t wanted, and I wouldn’t let myself doubt him.
“Robin?”
“Yeah?”
Suddenly I couldn’t breathe. My pulse pounded in my temples, and my lungs felt like they were in a vise. I knew what I had to say, and I was terrified.
I said it anyway.
“I, um— I love you.”
He was silent for several heart-stopping seconds, and when he released it, his breath sounded shaky.
“Thank you.” His voice was barely a whisper. “I love you too. I’ll see you this afternoon.”
My hand trembled when I turned off my phone, but in spite of everything, I was smiling.
The car ride was filled with stilted courtesies, as though neither of us wanted to commit to a serious conversation while Robin was driving.
“Do you want me to take you home?” he asked softly as we drove into downtown Saugatuck.
“Would you mind if we went to your place?” I hadn’t realized until that moment that I was more at home in his house than I was in my own little room above my shop. “I mean, I’d understand if you’d rather not have me there.”
Robin shot me a surprised look before turning his attention back to the road. “Why wouldn’t I want you there?”
“I should’ve considered this. I think I mentioned to you that people sometimes draw the wrong conclusions when they see bruises on hemophiliacs. It just never occurred to me what it might mean for you specifically if someone suspected you of domestic abuse.”
Robin barked an incredulous laugh. “If you think that’s bad, try researching some of the court cases involving people charged with assault for completely consensual BDSM play. If anything, I should have warned you.”
“Seriously?” I blinked as he drove up the hill and turned into his driveway.
He nodded, parking the car and running his hands up and down the steering wheel with a sigh. “Yeah. It’d be hilarious if it weren’t so fucking infuriating. Most courts have upheld that under the law, you can’t consent to being assaulted. Unless you’re doing MMA or something, of course. Come on. Let’s get you inside.”
While he herded me into the house, Robin regaled me with a story about the bust of a BDSM party in Massachusetts. “It was, like, ten years ago or so. I think I was in college, just starting to explore the scene, but I’ve heard the Old Guard talk about it. Cops raided a play party in Attleboro. One woman was charged with assault with a weapon. Wanna guess what the weapon was?”
I didn’t really need help settling in on the sofa, but after what had happened that morning, I was uncharacteristically okay with letting him hover and coddle me a bit.
“I’m almost afraid to ask.”
“A wooden spoon. They charged her with assault for spanking another woman, and they said it didn’t matter if the other woman was consenting, because you can’t consent to assault. The whole debacle became known as Paddleboro.” He shrugged. “It eventually got dropped, and Lawrence v. Texas has made it a lot harder to prosecute anyone for what they do in the bedroom. Guess that’s one good thing about kink going mainstream. Maybe now some of those laws will change with the times.”
I snorted. “Right. We’re in a country where it takes a ruling by the Supreme Court to nullify laws prohibiting blowjobs.”
“True.” Robin’s smile faded as he sat down beside me and took my hand, lacing our fingers. “You believe I never abused Kyle, right?”
“I do.” And I did.
He nodded, leaning back and drawing me against him. I rested my head on his shoulder and let him hold me.
It took me a long while to muster up the will to say what I had to say. “I think we need to give up any play that could leave marks. No more whippings or that sort of thing.”
Robin sucked in his cheeks. “I understand. It probably isn’t safe enough for you to risk it.”
“Me? Pfft, I’m fine. It’s not safe for you.” He gave me a startled look. “What would have happened to you if I’d had a serious brain bleed? If I’d been left comatose, or a vegetable, or if I’d died? No, don’t even try to argue. It could happen. It could have happened this time. This is not a far-fetched possibility. Brain bleeds are a very common way for hemos to die. They would have thought you had something to do with it, and you would have been facing a manslaughter charge. If I get seriously sick and they see marks on me, even if they believed you that I consented, it wouldn’t matter. Like you said, they’d just claim that consent was no defense.”
“That’s ridiculous!” Robin pulled back, the set of his jaw stubborn. “I’m not going to give up something we both obviously want and need just because of some outdated laws! Jesus, I mean, would I stop fucking your brains out if Lawrence v. Texas hadn’t invalidated antisodomy laws? They want to try to charge me? Bring it on. I can afford a great lawyer, and I’m sure the ACLU, Lambda Legal, and the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom would have a field day with it.”
“That’s not what you said the night we met. I didn’t get it then, but your irritation over me putting you in a situation where you might be held legally accountable for injuring me—that was all about the charges Kyle had brought against you, right? Because that could have been really bad for you.”
He gave a short, jerky nod. “But things were different then.”
“How?”
“I was in a bad place emotionally over it all. And the whole thing with Kyle hadn’t been completely dismissed yet.”
“Obviously not ‘completely’ if Officer What’s-His-Name can pull up the record so easily.” I frowned. “I’m not willing to take the risk.”
“It’s my risk to take!”
“Funny, I said that to you that first night and you didn’t buy it any more than I’m buying it now.” My head was starting to ache again. “A minute ago you were willing to stop for my safety. Why can’t I be willing to stop for yours?”
“Because your safety is a valid concern, and this—”
“—is also a valid concern, whether you choose to admit it or not.” I grabbed both his hands and squeezed until he met my eyes. “If things had played out differently today, you could be in handcuffs right now.”
“Maybe.” His eyes narrowed, his gaze challenging me. “Or maybe you’re just looking for another way to let this thing keep you from living the life you want to live.”
I jerked my hands away and stood, storming over to the stairs. “This thing has ruined the lives of everyone I’ve ever cared about. Maybe I don’t want to see it ruin yours too.”
I turned to mount the stairs, but his voice followed me.
“Would they say it was worth it?”
With my hand on the banister, I paused to face him.
“These people whose lives you say your hemophilia has ruined. If I could poll them, would they agree? Or would they say every minute they spent with you was worth whatever difficulty they might have faced?”
I didn’t have an answer for him, and I was too tired to argue about it any longer. I went upstairs and crawled into bed alone, where I failed to sleep despite my exhaustion. It was a long time before Robin joined me, spooning against my back and drawing me close.
His lips pressed against the nape of my neck.
“Do me a favor?” he whispered. “Let’s table the discussion for now. You said we’ll have to take it easy for a while anyway, right?”
I nodded mutely.
“Okay. Then let’s decide then what we want and what we feel is safe. Give ourselves time to back away from the knee-jerk reactions and consider. Can we do that?”
“Yeah.” I rolled to face him, and his kiss was the softest, most tender thing I could possibly have imagined. It made my chest ache. “Yeah, we can do that.”
Geoff
My reluctance to begin playing again—at least in ways that would leave marks—surprised me a
s much as Robin’s lack of reluctance. For a guy who’d been keen on taking things slowly, he wasn’t fazed at all by the idea of getting back into it. But it was too big a risk, and I was content without it. That was something I wouldn’t have imagined a year ago. I’d been so fixated on what I felt I’d been deprived of my whole life: the roughness and the pain. Sex had always been about seeking a thrill, not intimacy.
Falling in love with Robin changed all that. Between my mother’s death in the spring and the approaching holiday season, my life had taken so many unexpected turns that I had given up trying to predict anything further out than the next weekend’s plans.
I couldn’t bring myself to regret a minute of it.
By the end of November, I was living with Robin on a de facto basis, even if I never bothered to change my mailing address from the little apartment above my studio. It wasn’t anything we discussed or planned or made official. It just . . . happened. I don’t think either of us realized it until Thanksgiving, when I spoke to Ling, trying to decide what our holiday plans would be. Since Robin had already promised his guest room to Jace, I offered Ling my apartment without a second thought.
“You know, you should consider renting it out,” she remarked.
“Why would I do that?”
“Um, because you don’t live there anymore?” She didn’t quite tack the well, duh onto her response, but the tone carried it well.
“Huh.”
That evening after the last client left, I went upstairs and looked around. There was a layer of dust on everything except the refrigerator, which was the only feature I used during the workday. The closet was mostly empty and a cobweb stretched between the bathroom ceiling and the showerhead.
When he picked me up that evening, Robin found me up there, pulling the rest of the clothes out of the closet to take with me.
“What are you doing?” he asked, draping himself across the bed.
I shrugged. “Just grabbing some stuff I need.”
He rolled onto his side, propping himself on an elbow. “You should consider renting this place out.”
“Yeah, I’ll give it some thought.” I hid my smirk, glancing at him out of the corner of my eye. “It’s nice to be able to offer Ling someplace to stay when she comes to visit, though. Doesn’t matter if the bedroom is soundproofed. It would still feel weird having sex if my little sister were downstairs.”
“Mmm, especially since I’ve thought of some great ways to celebrate the holidays.” He caught my hand as I passed and tugged me gently toward the bed. “I want to make you scream again. Think it’s safe to do that now?”
I groaned, and everything in my body went taut. My skin felt tight, too snug to contain the pounding of my blood and the flush of heat that washed over me. I let him roll me under his body, achingly hard for him. I hugged his thigh between mine, grinding against him.
“I want that.” I dragged my open mouth along his jaw toward his lips. His tongue thrust deep into my mouth, and I latched on to it, sucking hard.
Robin seized my hands and pinned them up over my head. He straddled my hips, the rising bulge in his slacks pressing against my own. His lips traveled down my neck, threatening a bite that would never materialize. Merely the threat was enough to make my pulse trip. The knowledge he would never do it couldn’t quell the instinctive surge of adrenaline.
“I want to leave so many marks on you, you’ll be seeing them for a month.”
It was like a blast of snow sweeping in from Lake Michigan, chilling me. “We can’t.”
Robin lifted his head, his pale-blue eyes sober. “Can’t because you don’t want to, can’t because it’s too dangerous for you, or can’t because you’re afraid for me? Only two out of those three are answers I’m going to accept.”
I jerked my wrists out of his grasp and pushed him off me. “Well, that’s too fucking bad, because the one you won’t accept is the only one I’m not going to budge on.” I drew my knees up to my chest, hugging them. “It’s not worth the risk.”
I wished I were better at expressing my feelings. I wished I could tell him how much I valued what he’d helped me explore, the dreams and fantasies he’d made real for me. He’d unlocked things I’d never imagined possible, and if some of it wasn’t exactly what I’d wished for, it was close enough that I could be more than content with it.
The families of hemophiliacs could counter accusations of abuse simply by explaining the truth. But there was a hostile society outside Robin’s door, waiting and willing to condemn him if they got the wrong idea—or worse, even the right one. No amount of explaining could keep them from going after him if they chose to. The law—well-intentioned to protect victims of true abuse—made no allowances for us.
“Baby.” Robin sighed and sat up, his lips brushing the back of my shoulder. “I’m not going to live my life afraid that ignorant people won’t understand. You of all people should respect that. How many times in your life have you been ostracized because of ignorant assumptions?”
I swallowed, shaking my head against the image of panicked parents yanking their children out of my vicinity on the playground. Such scenes formed some of my earliest memories. Even now, people asked me how I “caught” hemophilia and if I could infect others.
I turned to look at Robin, letting him know he had my attention.
He offered me a tight smile. “Call it an act of civil disobedience. I don’t care if the law thinks we don’t have the right to decide what we do in the bedroom. If they come after me, so be it. I’m willing to take that fight on.”
“I just—” I sighed, plucking at a loose string on the bedspread. “My medical issues are mine to deal with. I have to live with them and all the ways they affect every aspect of my life. You don’t. And you certainly don’t have to take risks because of them.”
He caught my hand. “Yeah, I do. What, you think after how far we’ve come the last six months, I’m going to decide I’ve had enough inconvenience and write you off as a bad investment? That’s not gonna happen.” He pressed closer behind me, his lips ghosting along the back of my neck. “There are things we haven’t done yet, things I know you want, and I’m going to make sure we do them all. I want to give you everything you ever dreamed of.”
There was something so ardent about his whisper that my throat tightened. It felt like a vow. I wasn’t sure I could handle pursuing that line of thought at the moment; my emotions were too raw and confused. Self-doubt assailed me. What was I doing? I didn’t know how to be in a relationship, how to cope with someone loving me. I wasn’t prepared for that.
I drew a deep breath and redirected the conversation to something that at least seemed safer. “Like what?”
“What do I want to do?”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
“Remember that video you shared with me?” The edge of his fingernail traced an imaginary slice down my shoulder blade. “I want to give you that. Not the heavy impact play—I know that’s out of the question. But the rest.”
I tried not to whimper, but I’m not sure I succeeded. Everything dissolved in a dark, nearly suffocating surge of wanting. What did you do when everything you ever wanted was being offered to you on a silver platter, but the only way to take it was to endanger someone you loved?
The problem was, I didn’t think I was being alarmist this time. I’d done a lot of research over the last month since we’d had this discussion, and none of it had contradicted my primary concern.
If Robin did what he had promised me that morning after he whipped me—if he saw to it that I was never without marks of some kind—it was only a matter of time before I was hospitalized again and those marks were once more called into question. And if it ever went to court, the fact that Robin’s ex had so much as murmured an allegation of abuse would be sufficient to send Robin to jail.
That, I realized, was the real sticking point. My health and issues of consent could be dealt with, but the stigma from that false claim would condemn Robin no matter what
. Kyle had fucked things up for us but good. That was where my concerns stopped being alarmist and became a serious consideration.
Robin nudged me when my silence had drawn on too long. “If you don’t want that anymore, just say so.”
“It’s not a matter of wanting.” I leaned into him. “The problem is, no jury on this side of the state is going to sympathize with a fag who has a dungeon next door to his bedroom, especially a fag who has been accused of abuse before. I’ve done my homework on this. People have lost their jobs, their children—”
“I don’t have kids—not yet, at least—and I’m self-employed.” Robin shrugged, looking down at me with a cocky grin. I jerked out of his arms and jumped to my feet.
“And you also have this fucking arrogant idea that nothing can touch you! You told me from the beginning that you know your life has been charmed, but apparently you’ve never considered that it might not always be that way. Well, I’m here to tell you, baby, that sometimes life fucking sucks, and it’s not fair or just, and there’s no reasoning with it and no way to get out of it. If you can’t accept that idea, then I’m the last person you should be involved with, because life with me is going to suck even harder than average.”
Robin stared at me, his grin fading. Finally, he appeared to be taking this seriously. “You’re really that worried about this?”
I gave him a tight nod.
“But why? It’s my risk.”
“Gee, I think we’ve played this song before.” I rolled my eyes. “What if it’s not just yours?”
“What do you mean?”
I swallowed, folding my arms over my chest and looking away. “I was thinking of asking if you’d mind if I authorized you to make medical decisions for me. That way if something happens and Ling can’t be here right away . . . But what if I’m incapacitated and you can’t act on my behalf because you’re accused of being the one who put me in that condition to begin with? Or what if . . .”
“What if what?”
I kept my gaze fixed on the carpet. “What if someday you do have a family to lose?” I thought of Ling and her insistence that someday she wanted a niece or nephew, even if she had to carry the baby herself. I didn’t say that part, though. It was a presumptuous concern, yet I couldn’t help but court it.
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