by Jordan Marie
I might need a miracle.
Devil
Motherfucker!
What if I’ve read this all wrong?
It didn’t escape my attention earlier that when Torrent was begging me for more time, that she slipped and called me Devil.
She didn’t call me Logan. She didn’t touch me, or talk to me like I was her man. She begged me, like a man she was afraid of and she called me…Devil.
I stomp down the hall, like a fucking idiot. I ought to go out there and have it out with that son of a bitch. When did I become this man? A man who lets his woman put his balls in a jar and call the fucking shots?
“Damn baby! I thought you were going to leave me out there all day. Come give me a hug.”
I listen to Wolf and I clench my hand in a fist to keep from killing the son of a bitch.
“Wolf! You’re home early,” Torrent says and I have to wonder if Wolf can hear the panic in her voice as well as I can. I take pleasure in knowing she doesn’t call the bastard by his name—only his road name. Then I remember that she called me Devil and the good feeling I was enjoying is gone.
“Couldn’t stay away from my girl any longer. Did you miss me, baby?” he asks.
Not for a minute, motherfucker. She was too busy begging for my dick.
“Of course I did. I was...well, I’ve been thinking about things and I was hoping we could talk.”
“I hope it has been good thoughts,” Wolf jokes.
Keep joking, you son of a bitch. I’ll make sure I give you all the details to really laugh it up.
“Well, I think it is. I’ve been thinking things over and I think I know what will make me happy.”
There’s a minute of silence and I have to wonder if the asshole is starting to get a clue. Maybe the fact Torrent is wearing my T-shirt has caught his eye by now. I doubt it has dawned on Torrent. She had her pajama shorts on under it, but you can clearly see she’s wearing a black T-shirt and it’s clearly a man’s too. In fact, it’s the same one I was wearing at Dodger’s wake. Will he notice? I hope to fuck the bastard does.
“I’ve only ever wanted your happiness, Torrent. You know that,” Wolf responds.
“I know, Wolf. I’ve always known that. Do you think we can have dinner together? I’d like to talk to you about some decisions I’ve made,” Torrent says and I grin.
I grin really fucking big.
“I have some shit to catch up on. But we could have dinner tonight if you want, or maybe tomorrow would be better?” Wolf responds, and yeah the asshole knows what time it is. He’s gone from anxious to have time with Torrent to putting her off.
“Tomorrow would be awesome!” Torrent is so relieved at having one more day before she has to tell Wolf, I doubt she even realizes the change in him. I do and I can almost feel his anger brewing.
I listen as Wolf talks with my woman and thankfully for him, he doesn’t try to kiss her. Just the same, I don’t breathe easy until the asshole leaves. I walk back into the kitchen and adjoining living room. Torrent is leaning against the closed front door, staring at me and looking really nervous.
I plant my feet apart and I have my arms crossed at my chest. Torrent and I are going to have this shit out right here and now.
It’s time Torrent sees the man I really am and she’s never calling me Devil, damn it. To Torrent I am Logan.
Spent the majority of my life being called Devil and right now I hate that fucking name and all because Torrent used it. Damn woman is driving me crazy.
Torrent
“You’re mad,” I whisper, and that’s probably the understatement of the century. Devil is fuming. You can literally feel his anger in the room and it’s so thick you can cut it with a knife.
“And here I was worried you didn’t have a brain in that pretty little head of yours,” he responds.
I blink at his harsh words. Devil has never talked to me like that. As much as I understand that he’s upset—maybe even has a right to be that way, I still don’t appreciate it.
“That’s not nice.”
“My woman pushed me out of the room and let another man touch her. I’m not feeling real nice right now, Torrent.”
“Oh stop! It was just a hug!”
“From a man who wants between your legs!” he yells back, and I blanch as the force of his anger is hurled in them.
“Please stop. You’re being ridiculous—”
“You need to shut up right now, Torrent. So help me God, if you try to tell me I’m being ridiculous right now, I won’t be responsible for what I do to you.”
I feel fear skittering down my back, but I do my best to ignore it. This is Devil; he wouldn’t hurt me.
Unless it’s with words.
“But it is. You know it’s you I love Devil.”
“That right there!” he explodes, and I jump because his voice is so loud and raw.
“What?” I cry. I’m trying to keep it together, but the way Devil is acting, his yelling and the hate coming off of him, combined with Wolf being back, has me so nervous that I can’t catch my breath. I haven’t been this panicked since I was chained and treated like a dog. I’ve done everything I could to bury those memories and the helplessness they make me feel. Devil is bringing them all back right now and I’m having trouble holding onto my sanity.
“When in the hell did I become Devil?”
“What? I don’t understand. That’s your name and—”
“Not to you! Not to you, Torrent. With you I’ve always been Logan—always, Torrent. Then this son of a bitch gets back in town and you’re begging me to keep quiet about our relationship and calling me Devil.”
“But that doesn’t mean anything.”
“Really, Torrent? Because from where I’m standing it means a fuck of a lot. In fact, right now I’m starting to wonder if I mean anything to you!”
“I love you,” I whisper. I’m losing it. Flashbacks of the men holding me hostage are trying to surface. Their faces are overlapping Devil’s and I can’t catch my breath.
“You’ve got a funny way of showing it. I don’t know if you realize the kind of man you’ve hooked, but I don’t hide for no-fucking-body. I’ve let you have your way because you’ve been through a lot, but it’s becoming clearer and clearer that was the wrong way to handle things with you.”
“Logan, I think we both need to calm down and talk about this like two mature adults.”
“You want me to calm down, Torrent?”
“Well, yes. It’s not like we should be upset with each other. I am telling Wolf. I have to make sure I do it the right way.”
“And you think dinner with him is the right way to go about it?” he mocks, clearly not happy about that at all.
“Well, yeah. It will give us a chance to be calm and relaxed so I can explain that this thing…”
“I’m not a thing, Torrent. I’m supposed to be your man.”
“Quit twisting my words. That’s not what I meant. Please Dev—Logan, I love you, I’m giving up everything to be with you...”
“I didn’t realize you viewed being with me as giving everything up,” he says, and now he’s not yelling. Now his words are quiet and cold as steel. Somehow that scares me even more.
“Maybe we should take a break and let our tempers ease before we talk more,” I suggest.
“Am I invited to this dinner with you and Wolf?” he asks.
“I… Well...”
“You’re not planning on me going at all, are you Torrent?”
“I thought it would go over better if I go alone,” I whisper, knowing even as I say it that it’s the wrong thing to say to him.
“So you want me to sit on my hands while that fucker takes you to dinner and convinces you that he’s the better option?”
“What? No. De—Logan, he can’t do that.”
“Why not? After all, he has Daddy’s seal of approval right?”
“Please stop,” I whisper.
“I thought I was involved with a woman, but
you’re a child playing at being an adult.”
“Are you done?” I ask, not sure I can take anymore—not from him.
“You should be careful, Torrent. While you’re trying to control everything you might find that your precious Wolf isn’t as clean and harmless as you think.”
“What does that mean?”
“Just what I said.”
“You’re being mean now. Does it make you feel good to hurt me, Logan?”
“I guess I should appreciate the fact you remembered my real name this time. Somehow I don’t. I’m not being mean, as you put it. Real men, Angel, they don’t let you lead them around by the short hairs, no matter how fucking good your pussy is. I’ve let you have your way too damn long. I’m done chasing you, Torrent. If you want me, then you’re going to have to chase me.”
“You’re leaving?” I ask, absorbing his words that are so harshly spoken, they feel like a physical blow.
“Fuck yeah, I’m leaving. If you want me, you know where to find me.”
“Logan—”
“And if you think I’m going out the fucking window this time, you need to think again,” he growls. “You can keep my shirt as a souvenir.”
I stand while he walks away from me. I hear him rummaging around in my bedroom, probably getting his cut, shoes and his gun. It’s not too long before I hear the back door slam so loud I have to wonder if it falls off the hinges.
I stay that way until I can’t stand any longer, and then I slide to the floor and let myself cry.
Devil
I stomp out of Torrent’s house ready to kill. I probably was too fucking harsh with her, but damn, even a saint has his limits and I’ve never been a saint. Sometimes when I look at Torrent now she doesn’t even remind me of the girl I met in the store giving me sass. She’s a shell of that person. Then, other times, when it’s just me and her, she’s back. I can’t figure it out and all I know is I’ve had it. She’s got some decisions to make and I’m done jumping through motherfucking hoops.
The thing about anger—especially when you’re lost inside your head with it—is that it makes you stupid. That’s the only excuse I have for not seeing the motherfucker who knocked me along the side of my head with a fucking baseball bat. One minute I’m headed into the tree line where I’ve hidden my bike and the next I’m falling to the ground seeing stars.
I fall hard on the ground. The world is monochromatic—a grayish white all around me. I have a whistling in my ears so loud it’s like a roar. I lay there trying to figure out where I’m at and what’s happening. I feel wetness running down along the side of my head. It takes the longest time for me to realize that it’s probably blood I’m feeling. Slowly the sound dies down and I can hear voices. I look around to try and see faces, but my vision is blurry as hell.
“Stupid ass motherfucker you think you can come onto my land, try to get my girl and live?” I close my eyes as I finally hear the asshole.
Wolf.
Maybe it would have been a good idea to listen to Torrent and use the motherfucking window again. Especially since I was stupid enough not to pay attention to what was going on around me.
“I hope you enjoyed your time with her, because there’s going to be nothing left of you when I’m done,” he sneers.
I want to respond; I try but all that comes out is a grunt. My tongue feels like it weighs a hundred pounds.
“We got him now, Boss! We got him good!” another man laughs, sounding like a sniveling little kid who needs an ass kicking. “Ow! What did you do that for?”
I really wish I could see. I heard the sound of a fist making contact and I can only assume Wolf beat the asshole. From the muffled sound of his “Ow!” I’d say he punched him in the nose.
“Fuck-head. It was your job to make sure Torrent was safe and no one got to her! I left you in charge for a fucking week and I come back to this shit!”
“We’ve watched the place like a hawk, Boss! I swear! I don’t know how he slipped by us,” the other guy answers and shit… If I could, I’d laugh out loud. If this is what Wolf has for security, then I need to survive long enough to get my wits about me and then break free. That sounds easy enough, if I could see.
“Shut up, while you’re still breathing. If I wasn’t worried Torrent would hear the shot I’d finish you along with this asshole right now,” Wolf responds. Then I hear some muffled sounds that could be another punch being thrown, I can’t be sure. “Red!” Wolf yells.
“Yeah, man?”
“Drag this prick into the cellar. We’ll deal with him tonight after I do some recon. Did Gator find out where this son of a bitch has been staying?”
“You mean besides with your woman?” the man he called Red replies.
I blink and I can see the swing of the bat enough to watch “Red” take one to the gut.
“He…has… the…info,” Red moans out, one word at a time and gasps in between each.
“Drag him down there. Tie him up from the ceiling. I want to play with him before I send him back to Diesel in pieces.”
“Got it.”
Just when I think I might be getting less addled, and might try to break free, I feel a blinding pain along the side of my face again. I hear Wolf laughing. I vomit from the pain and claw at the ground, but the blackness is chasing me.
I can do nothing before it overtakes me.
Torrent
I pull up to the red light and while I wait for it to change to green I check my cellphone for the hundredth time. There’s no call, no voicemail and no text from Devil. I know he was mad. I thought he’d go silent for a while, but I didn’t think I’d never hear from him again.
I look in my rearview mirror, half expecting Wolf to be behind me. There’s no one there, though. When I told him I was driving myself into town, I expected him to argue. He didn’t. He didn’t even demand I take one of the men with me. I don’t understand the change in him, but I’m glad for it right now.
I’ve been thinking about the fight with Devil and he was right to be upset. I can’t be mad at him. I’m all messed up in my mind right now. I didn’t realize how much, until Devil forced me to take a hard look at the way I was acting. I’ve been trying to keep everyone around me calm and happy. The minute they start to show signs of anger… I panic. That’s when Devil became Devil and not Logan. Realistically I need therapy, not for Devil, not for anyone other than me. I need to put my past behind me… and live…
With Devil—if I can find him.
I dial Devil’s number. The light changes and I press the gas.
“You know what to do.”
I listen to Devil’s recorded message and I want to cry. I’ve listened to it way too many times. I called it over and over last night—not because I thought he would answer, because I’m beginning to give up hope he’ll ever talk to me again. I listened to it because I really had to hear his voice.
“Logan, it’s Torrent. I… I really miss you. I’m sorry. You were right. Please call me.”
It’s a different version of the same message. One I’ve left over and over. Devil is either not checking his messages, or ignoring me—maybe both of them.
I throw my phone into the passenger seat and try to pay attention to the traffic. Thankfully the roads aren’t crowded today. I take my exit and all too soon I’m sitting in the parking lot of the Golden Woodpecker.
I grip the steering wheel so tight my fingers go pale white. I hate that I’m scared of what comes next, but I am. Still, I make myself get out of the car and walk to the room where Devil is staying.
I knock on the door, but silence is all I get in return.
“Logan please, open up,” I call out, knocking again.
“There’s no one in there, lady.”
I jerk when a guy comes out of the room beside Devil’s.
“Oh. I’ll wait until he gets back then. Thank you,” I answer, feeling embarrassed.
“I don’t think he’s coming back. He had his bags and said he was headed home.
”
“He did?” I ask. Before, I felt horrible. Now that feeling is a million times worse.
“Yeah.”
“Oh… Okay. Thank you,” I whisper, my voice almost silent. I couldn’t speak any louder if I wanted to right now.
I can’t believe that he’d leave without at least giving me the chance to say goodbye.
I refuse to believe it.
I’m like a robot and go through the motions of going to the front desk. It takes some convincing but I somehow get the manager to let me in Devil’s room. I know it’s too late, but I just have to see it for myself.
He lets me through the door and I look around at the empty room and I want to cry, but I don’t… not yet.
“Could I have a second, please?” I ask the guy. He looks at me strangely. He shrugs and walks out, closing the door behind him.
I go and lay on the bed, pulling the pillow into my face and breathe deep. There’s not a trace of Devil’s scent. I don’t smell him at all. Not on the pillow, not on the bed…Not in this room.
He’s gone.
I’m alone.
He left me…and he’s not coming back.
He’s given up on me.
Diesel
“You want to explain to me why in the fuck you are here and not back in Murfreesboro with Devil?” I growl at Fury.
“Devil and I decided you were the one who needed to have your back watched the most. Devil was worried about where your head was at.”
“Jesus Christ! Last time I looked I was still wearing the patch that said I was president of this fucking crew.”
Silence around the table meets me and that’s when I know that Devil has opened his big mouth.
“When were you going to tell us?” Crusher asks, leaning up on the table to lock gazes with me.
“I hadn’t decided yet,” I mutter, pushing my hand into my hair and getting it off of my face.