by Sarah Price
“The suitcase game!”
Hannah laughed. “I used to play that in school when I was learning English!”
Emma fought the urge to roll her eyes.
It was Gideon who inquired about the game next. “You must share the rules,” he said. “I fear it’s been quite a few years for some of us since we’ve played such a game, and some of our Ohio transplants might not be familiar with it.” He smiled at Jane. Perhaps he only meant to draw her in as a politeness, but the gesture further soured Emma’s mood, even if Jane seemed to ignore it.
“It’s easy, really.” Francis shifted his weight so that he was no longer kneeling but sitting on the ground. “We used to play it with the alphabet and take turns, listing items we would pack in a suitcase to go on a trip. As we take turns, you have to repeat whatever items were previously mentioned, in the same order, then add your own.”
Jane smiled and Hetty laughed outright.
“Of course,” Francis said slowly. “We don’t have to pack a suitcase. We could change it up a bit. Perhaps we could alphabetize words about Emma instead.”
At this change to the game, Emma frowned and looked up. “Me?”
“To cheer you up! You look so glum!”
Emma dared not protest more lest she draw unwanted attention to herself. Silently she hoped the idea would die a quick death. However, Hetty quickly seconded the notion and Hannah also thought that it was a grand idea. If Samuel, Anna, or Gideon thought the game unsuitable, they held their tongues. And Jane seemed to sink into a deeper silence, if that were possible.
Not to anyone’s surprise, Alice had something to say about Francis’s suggestion. “A game?” She raised an eyebrow and stared at Francis for a moment. “A schoolhouse game? I think I’ll pass on that one. Come along, Paul. Let’s go walk around the pond! I saw Francis pushing Hannah on that swing over there. That seems like something we should do!” Without waiting for his answer, she began walking.
Obediently Paul followed, pausing to take breath and stretch as he stood. “No parlor games for this old married man,” he said. “Besides, I’m certainly not clever enough to think of anything that might amuse anyway, especially Emma.” He said this last part under his breath, but Emma had clearly heard it.
As he hurried after Alice, Emma scowled and wondered which one of them would actually push the other on the swing.
“Shall we begin? Remember, we are to cheer up our Emma, so be as clever as you can!” Francis displayed a childish delight at the idea of this game, blatantly ignoring the glances exchanged between Samuel and Anna and the decided disinterest of Jane. “I’ll start and say a word that I feel describes Emma, starting with the letter A. Hannah will continue, repeating my word then adding one that starts with the letter B. Hetty, you’ll do the same, only your word will start with C.”
“Just one word? Only one?” Hetty interrupted him, her voice cheerful and delighted at the thought of this game. “Oh help!” She gave a soft laugh. “Describe our Emma? That should be easy, shouldn’t it?” She looked around and smiled. “Why, I’m sure that I could think of dozens of interesting words to describe our dear Emma!”
Irked at being pushed into the center of attention, Emma turned to Hetty and said, “I’m sure you’ll find it most difficult to speak just one word of interest at all!” As soon as the words slipped from her tongue, Emma caught her breath and bit her lower lip. She hadn’t meant to say it out loud. And the sharpness of her tone clearly indicated that there was no hint of teasing behind her words.
Silence befell the group. But it seemed to take a moment for Hetty to realize the meaning behind what Emma had said.
“Oh!” The older woman frowned and lowered her eyes. “Oh my,” Hetty said softly, her liveliness quickly evaporating. The color drained from her face as her eyes widened. “I see . . . I mean, I think I understand what Emma means.” She glanced around at the downcast eyes that avoided hers. “I suppose I should be silent now so as not to further . . . well, there I go again, being disagreeable, I imagine . . . ” She paused. “I . . . I’ll . . . mayhaps I might go for a walk, I reckon.” Without any further words, Hetty rose to her feet, a hand at her throat, and hurried away.
The silence that surrounded the group deepened.
Emma felt the heat under her skin. Refusing to look at anyone, she knew that her cheeks were turning crimson from embarrassment. Instead, she shut her eyes and pressed her lips together, wishing that, once again, she had thought before speaking. The nasty tone and horrid words that had slipped past her lips were uncharacteristic of Emma, that was for certain, but whether she could be forgiven was yet to be determined.
“I suppose it is a bit too silly of a game,” Anna finally offered, a gentle way to break the silence as she forced an air of cheerfulness that no one felt. “Mayhaps it’s just better if we have dessert before it’s time to return home for evening chores, ja?”
Despite Anna’s attempt, there was still a heavy tension over the group. Emma gave a quick glance around and noticed that no one was either nodding in approval or, for that matter, even looking at her. No one, that is, except Gideon. The displeasure on his face did not need words, and he gave a single shake of his head before he stood and followed in the direction of Hetty.
Disgusted with herself, Emma jumped to her feet and walked up the incline toward the road. The tears started falling before she made it there, and once away from the group she allowed herself to sob as she started the long walk home by herself. Each footstep brought her more pain as she berated herself. How could she have said something so cold, rude, and insulting? The look in Gideon’s eyes, so full of disappointment, stayed with her long after she left the pond.
She didn’t go immediately home, however. Instead, she let her feet take her down the back roads so that she could be alone and calm her nerves. The last thing she wanted was to return home and face her daed. If he thought that she had been crying, the questions would never end.
The sun had started its descent over the horizon and a definite chill was now in the air. Emma did not know whether the shivering that had overtaken her was coming from the outside or from the inside, on account of the icy words she had directed toward Hetty. Those words were, indeed, very uncalled for. Emma knew only too well how Hetty held her in such high esteem, often looking upon her as a niece or even a daughter of sorts, especially after Emma’s maem had passed. For Hetty, Emma was the daughter she never had. She had even confided to Emma that if she had ever married and reared a daughter, she would have wanted her to be just like Emma. While Hetty, despite being over twice her age, did not have Emma’s wits, her poise, and certainly nothing close to the same effect on others, she often tried to emulate Emma, considering her as a role model in all and everything that she did or said. Emma was well aware of the quasi veneration bestowed upon her by her surrogate aendi, and while not admitting it publicly, could not help feel a little vanity at such reverence. Not a very Christian feeling, she had told herself time and again; so she was quite ambivalent about it, sometimes accepting it, yet at other times, genuinely feeling undeserving of it.
Today, however, she had definitely committed an act of wrongdoing and displayed an unchristian behavior, belittling one of the people who loved and admired her the most.
While walking
the back roads, the same roads that she had taken so many times before when making her rounds of visits to the elderly and less fortunate widows in her g’may, Emma pondered the changes that were taking place not only within the community, but also and especially—within her. Was she starting to lose faith? Was her set of beliefs and values crumbling? What is happening to me? she asked herself, a heavy wave of sadness invading her soul.
“Emma!”
As she was just about to walk past the mailbox and turn up the driveway, she was startled by the sound of someone calling her name. She had been so distracted by her thoughts that she hadn’t heard the horse and buggy approaching her from behind. When she turned to see who it was, she felt her stomach flip-flop: Gideon.
He directed the horse to pull the buggy up to the driveway and then stopped, stepping on the brake and jumping down to the macadam. There was a sharp look in his eyes as he walked around the back of the buggy to face her.
“Where have you been?”
She lifted her chin defiantly. “Walking home.”
“You left an hour ago!”
Had that much time truly passed? She glanced again at the sky and noticed how quickly daylight was slipping away.
“What do you want, Gideon?” she asked, steeling herself against his inevitable reprimand and ensuing lecture.
“How could you do that to Hetty?” he demanded. “How could you be so unfeeling toward a woman so dear to you? Badly done, Emma! Badly done indeed!”
“It . . . it was meant in jest, Gideon,” she said, although the words sounded meek and contrived from the moment she spoke them.
“I can assure you,” he said angrily. “In jest it was not taken! You have wounded a woman who has no greater flaw than constantly praising Emma Weaver, both in front of her and when she is not near. Why, Hetty considers herself part of your family! You are as dear to her as Jane!”
“I highly doubt that!”
“Whether you believe it or not, I frankly don’t care.” He stood with his legs apart and his arms hanging stiffly at his sides. His short tone indicated just how vexed he was with her and her terrible behavior. “What I do care about is the fact that you just demonstrated such an uncharacteristic lack of compassion, and as a result humbled her, not just in front of friends but in front of her family!”
She was stunned by the anger and hurt that he wore on his expression. While she had known that her words had disappointed him, she had no idea how much! She fought the urge to cry once again. “What would you have me do? I shall apologize when I see her next.”
“What would I have you do?” he repeated her question, mockery in his voice. “Why, Emma Weaver, I have proven myself, time and time again, to have your best interests at heart and to be a true friend. My counsel, while most often ignored, has always been faithful. What would I have you do?” He took a deep breath and shook his head. “The only thing you can possibly do is to prove to me that I was justified in putting my faith in you!”
Without waiting for a response, he spun around on his heel and marched back to the buggy and climbed aboard. She watched as the horse began to trot, pulling the gray-topped buggy down the road and away from where she stood. As it disappeared around the bend, she felt a hollow in her chest, a hollow that was both empty and heavy at the same time. With her head hung down, she slowly walked up the driveway and headed to the house, too distraught over what had just transpired between Gideon and her to bother masking her feelings from her daed.
Chapter Sixteen
EMMA EMBARKED ON her regular visiting schedule on Thursday, only this time she went alone, for Hannah had committed to help at the market all week long, as several of the regular workers had been in dire need of time off. With the beginning of the wedding season upon the community, many of the young Amish women who normally worked at the market traveled to different church districts or even to other states to attend the weddings of extended family or friends.
Weddings were always joyous occasions, especially for Amish youth, as the celebrations often presented the opportunity to travel to new places. As a result, Hannah was scheduled to work every single day of that week. Additionally she hadn’t been able to come visiting during the evenings either, a fact that had Emma both curious and relieved. She wondered whether Hannah was avoiding her or too busy doing something else, such as taking buggy rides with a certain young man. On the other hand, she wasn’t exactly in the mood for company after what had happened on Sunday, so the solitude was a welcomed respite.
After the dreadful events during the picnic she had spent most of her days alone at home, refusing to leave for even the smallest errand. She even turned down a trip to town with Henry to get some supplies for the pantry. This strange development in her behavior sent Henry into a tailspin. He worried and fretted over Emma, threatening to call the doctor by Wednesday should her demeanor stay the same. Due to his concern, Emma forced herself to make her Thursday visits, but she did so with a heavy sense of dread for her final stop.
Gideon’s words still seemed to ring in Emma’s ears. The fact that he had not stopped, not even for a quick visit during the early part of the week, added to her self-torment. Try as she might, she just couldn’t understand why she had said such a horrid thing, especially to a kind soul like Hetty Blank. And indeed, to think that she might have lost respect in the eyes of so many people upset her greatly. But it was the loss of Gideon’s favor that bothered her the most, she reckoned.
And that particular realization had given her several sleepless nights.
On Thursday morning she took the roads for her weekly visits. Her first three stops seemed to go by too quickly. And, to further add to her burden, upon reaching the third house, she discovered that Alice was already at Sarah Esh’s haus, visiting with the older woman.
Alice greeted her with a cold reserve that Emma could not help but find surprising, given their limited number of encounters. Granted, there had been that episode during the picnic at Yoder’s pond, but Emma did not expect a woman who barely knew her to have already passed a judgment because of the unfortunate deed that had, undoubtedly, been reported to Paul and her. While Emma did not particularly care for the woman, she did her best to mask her feelings. This apparently was not the case with Alice. Her contemptuous looks and superior airs angered Emma, but she did her best to remain even tempered so that no one could ever complain about her behavior again.
She did, however, wonder what caused this newcomer to her g’may to behave in such an overly condescending manner toward one specific individual. Since Alice and Paul had not witnessed her awful behavior toward Hetty, Emma could only presume that Paul must have made a negative comment about her to his fraa in order to cause discord between the two, perhaps his way of covering his tracks and ensuring that Alice never knew that he had proposed to Emma before asking for her hand.
Frankly such suspicion did not surprise Emma.
“Isn’t this just lovely?” Sarah said when Emma sat down to join them. She smiled, beaming from ear to ear. “Two visitors in one day!”
Alice inhaled sharply. “Now, Sarah,” she said as if the two were the closest of friends. “I know that Paul visits you on a weekly basis.” She glanced at Emma, speaking in a sharp and measured tone. “I was only too happy to take his pl
ace today as he has business in Pequea.” She emphasized the word business, filling it with self-inflated importance. “Besides, we are family now, ain’t so? Visiting with you is my pleasure, you know!”
Emma couldn’t help but recognize that Alice was trying to establish her seniority over her. She was a woman who commanded attention, whether deserved or not. She was boisterous and loud, traits that Emma did not find particularly attractive in a person, never mind a woman! Being new to Lititz, Alice had already made it abundantly clear that she was never going to sit silently in the background. Her unexpected visit to Sarah attested to that fact.
It also dawned on Emma that, based upon her words, Paul’s fraa intended to visit on a regular basis, and in all likelihood, she would continue visiting on Thursdays, most likely to make her visits perfectly coincide with Emma’s. It looked like an attempt to take credit for what Emma had been doing for several years, or possibly even push her out. The thought of having to spend time in Alice’s company made Emma want to groan out loud, yet how could she extricate herself from a long-standing commitment without causing comment? Emma struggled hard to keep a smile upon her face.
As usual, Alice dominated the conversation, her loud voice booming in the small room. By the time she managed to make her excuses, Emma found that she had a pounding headache, whether from being subjected to Alice Esh for thirty minutes or from dreading her next and final visit, or mayhaps both, she did not know.
It was later than usual when she knocked at the front door of the Blanks’ house. Despite the cool temperature, she felt small beads of sweat slowly tricking down her back. Her heart rapidly beat inside of her chest as she waited for what seemed like an eternity. Would they refuse her? Would she never get to apologize for the injustice she had done to Hetty Blank? Would her deed ever be forgiven?