“So you are saying we were doomed no matter what choices we made.” Jala asked bitterly.
“In a fashion I suppose. I don’t consider it doomed though. I see you as a savior just like everyone else does, Jala. You taught me how to be a hero rather than the butcher I was, and because of that I can face what I am now without any concerns. I know I’m making the right choices, because every time I pass a judgment a little voice in the back of my mind ponders what you would do in my place. If not for you, I would be walking in Seth’s footsteps, but because of you I know what to do to save him. At first I railed at how little time I was given with you, but I realize why now.” Finn’s voice was gentle as he spoke and she could tell how hard he was trying to keep his emotions under control as he spoke.
“Why?” Jala asked. The tightness in her throat was finally receding and for the first time in months she felt the guilt fading. The pain was still there, and she knew it would be for a very long while, but it was becoming something she could deal with. With every word Finn spoke he was easing her mind.
“Because as everything falls into place I am becoming a very big believer in destiny, and your destiny is so much broader than you realize, Jala.” He smiled ruefully and shrugged at her. “I am the only one who could do what I am doing right now, Jala, and you are the only one that can hold the world together until I’m finished. Something big is coming, and I don’t know what it is, but we are all pawns that are being shifted into place. We might not like the tile we are set upon, but if you look back at everything you will understand why we are where we are. I am in the Darklands to balance the souls and save Seth. Valor is with you to brace you when you stumble and keep Arovan tied to you. Neph is in Delvay to awaken the heroes there and if we all play the cards we have been dealt we will be ready to face whatever comes.”
“Veyetta.” Jala whispered and her gaze flicked to the shadows as she spoke. It was entirely unreasonable and she knew it. Vaze was the only Shadow mage left, and he was on her side, but after Neph’s warnings as well as Hemlock’s she couldn’t help but feel paranoid.
“Or something worse. The point I am making is if we are going to give Legacy your dream then we have to accept what we have and do everything we can to prepare. We are close now, Jala, but if we don’t continue we won’t have the strength to protect what you build.” Finn smiled at her again, and she felt her own fragile smile form in response.
“The hardest part of that plan is letting you go completely.” Jala admitted softly.
“Don’t let me go, Jala. Accept that there are different forms of love. I’ve had longer to adjust to that idea since time passes differently in the Darklands. I still love you, but I’ve set aside my need to be close to you. I knew it wasn’t possible so I faced it and accepted that you would always be on the other side, but it wouldn’t stop me from supporting you in every way I’m allowed. I am the Guardian and you are the angel, working together we can pull this off and save everyone that likely doesn’t deserve the effort or the suffering we are enduring on their behalf.” He squeezed her hands as he spoke and she felt her smile grow in response.
“The world is utter shit, Finn and I feel like the entire thing is sitting on my shoulders.” Jala returned with a heavy sigh but the bitterness was gone from her voice.
“It is, but you are strong enough to support it, Lady Bendazzi.” Finn said with a wink. He stood slowly and pulled her to her feet before releasing her hands grudgingly. “You get the Immortals in line, and I will handle the Aspects. By the time the council comes around Sanctuary will know peace.” He promised.
“I will do what I can.” Jala agreed with slight nod. She knew he was about to leave, but she forced herself to remain calm. There was a part of her that was screaming for her to cling to him, but she silenced it without a second thought. He had come to terms with their fate, and it was her turn to face the truth. He had lied, but as he said it was for the best. For months she had been eaten with guilt, and kicking herself for not seeing the truth sooner, and in under an hour Finn had banished it all. He was right. There was no other path they could have followed that would have ended happily. The one they were on could, if she could hold it all together. She wouldn’t have Finn beside her, but Legacy would have a world of peace to grow in and a childhood that he could look back on and smile about.
Finn took a step closer and kissed her gently on the forehead. Silently he stepped back once more and placed a hand under her chin tilting her head upward just enough to stare into her eyes. “Thank you, Jala. Thank you for every time you have saved me, and thank you for doing everything you have done to save everyone else. You are and always will be my moral compass, and whenever you doubt yourself in the future remember that. Promise me one thing though before I go.”
“What’s that?” Jala asked quietly. She could feel tears stinging at her eyes once again, but it wasn’t the painful grief she had been bottling inside so long. It was sadness, but it was also a form of healing. She knew once these tears ran out that a weight would be off of her chest and it was possible that she would be able to see the path forward again.
“Promise me you will remember that you aren’t standing alone up here. I may not be beside you, but the others are and they love you as much as I do. Valor, Vaze, Sovann, Wisp, Jail, and Neph, They are always there to support you all you have to do is turn to them.” Finn said.
“You forgot Shade.” Jala pointed out through a sniffle.
“I meant to forget Shade. I don’t like Shade.” Finn replied with a faint smile.
“Shade is the one that suggested I talk to you. I knew I should, but I was afraid to.” Jala added and wiped her face with the back of her hand.
“Fine then, I’ll include Shade. My point is that while the world may be sitting on your shoulders right now, you have friends that will help you bear the weight if you allow them to.” Finn said as he took a step back from her and lowered his hand from her chin.
“Do you have that in your life, Finn? Do you have anyone to brace you?” Jala asked before he had a chance to take another step. She didn’t want him to be alone, and just knowing that he wasn’t would ease her mind further.
“I have my Grandfather, and a few others I can turn to. I’m not alone Jala, and I’m not suffering. I know what I’m doing is necessary and that eases the burden.” He smiled at her and winked again. “My shoulders are pretty sturdy too, Jala. I am strong enough to face the road ahead, and if I ever find myself at an utter loss I know I have someone up here that will listen and help me through it.”
“Always. I will always be here if you need me.” Jala promised.
“I know you will be. Take care, Jala, and don’t be too hard on Seth when he shows up to apologize. He is trying to find the right path he just really sucks at navigation.” Finn took another step back and the shadows began to grow around him.
“I won’t be. Good bye Finn.” She watched him fade from the room and sank back to the floor once more. Marrow rose from where he had been laying and moved to her side. Swallowing heavily she wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face in his thick white fur.
“Will you be able to find peace now?” Marrow asked and she could feel his concern through their bond.
“The possibility is a lot more likely now. I needed that Marrow. There was so much that was left unsaid between us. I think what I needed more than anything was to be able to say good bye.” Jala replied through her tears. Now all she had to do was face everything else the day had in store for her. There was a chance though that by the end of the day she might be able to actually sleep without the weight of her guilt suffocating her. “I have a lot more to do before I can guarantee it though. We will see how everything else goes.”
“He left out the most important name on that list. He didn’t say my name, and no matter what the world throws at you I will be at your side. Even if you decide to say screw them all and burn it all to the ground to start over you will have my support without question.”
Marrow informed her firmly.
“He didn’t mention you because he didn’t need to. It goes without saying that you are my strength and he knows that. It’s the rest that I tend to forget to lean on. You are my anchor, Marrow.” Jala returned with a smile. She turned her head slightly and stared into his golden eyes without loosening her grip on him in the slightest. “Such as now for example, I am leaning on you and you are holding me together and giving me the strength I will need for the rest of the day.” She slowly unlaced her fingers from his fur and stood. With a quiet sigh she brushed the dust from her dress and straightened the skirts. “And next I will be facing Valor. He deserves answers and I have so much to apologize to him for. I have been so horrible to him recently and he is still beside me despite it all.”
* * *
Jala opened the door silently and stepped into the shadowed room. She could see his outline at the window. He wasn’t sleeping, but then she really hadn’t expected him to be. Valor kept her hours for the most part, and had just as much trouble sleeping as she did.
“Did you wear yourself out enough to sleep?” He asked quietly, but didn’t turn to face her. He was sitting in one of the arm chairs with his feet propped on the window sill. A gentle breeze was causing the curtains to dance around him. She wasn’t sure if it was his magic or simply the weather outside. Valor was so subtle with his workings any more that even when she was standing beside him it was difficult to tell when he was using magic.
“Not really.” She admitted and at the sound of her voice he turned to face her. Even through the darkness she could see the concern on his handsome face. He could tell just by the tone of her voice that she had been crying. Jala tried to summon a reassuring smile as she moved to sit in the ledge of the window in front of him. “I spoke with Finn tonight.” She informed him as she pulled her legs up beneath her to sit cross-legged. The wind stirred her hair and she closed her eyes for a moment. It was definitely Valor’s magic. This late in the year the breezes of Merro were never that cool.
“And?” Valor asked quietly. There was hesitation in his voice and his expression had changed from concern to caution.
Jala let out a sigh as she watched and lowered her head to stare at the gardens below. “And I am a horrible person if that is the way you react. I’m so sorry, Valor. I haven’t been fair to you. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own mess of feelings that I never stopped to consider yours.” She pulled on her magic as she spoke and formed her memories of the conversation with Finn into a crystal. She set it down on the ledge beside her and looked to Valor once more. “That is everything that was said, and there are some things from that conversation that you should hear. I don’t want secrets between us, Valor. I learned my lesson on that already. “
Valor leaned forward in his seat and lifted the crystal, but his eyes never left her face. “You know I never blamed you right? I was content to wait as long as it took. Wounds like that don’t heal easily and despite what there is between us I knew it would take time.”
Nodding Jala smiled at him with genuine love. “I know, Val.” She assured him quietly. He never pushed her on anything, and his patience was seemingly endless. The only time he had ever raised his voice with her or argued a point was when he thought she was in danger. Every action he took in life was to protect her or attempt to make her happy.
He wrapped his fingers around the crystal and closed his eyes. She could see the muscles in his jaw clench, and knew just by that expression he was expecting the worst. Closing her eyes she leaned back against the window sill and turned her face toward the garden. The scent of lilacs was heavy on the air, and despite the tension in the room it was almost relaxing.
When the silence between them stretched far longer than it should have she opened her eyes once more and gazed down at him. He was turning the crystal slowly over in his hands, but at her movement he looked up. She held his gaze for a long moment trying to gauge his mood from his dark blue eyes, but it was hopeless. Valor was too much of a card player. When he wanted to hide his emotions no one could tell what he was thinking.
“So where do you suppose this leaves us?” he asked softly as he set the crystal gently back onto the ledge.
“One step closer to each other in my eyes. We’ve had a lot between us Valor. Neither of us has been happy, and both of us are carrying more guilt than we can manage. I needed to say goodbye to him. I needed to know why he lied to me, and I do still miss him, but I know you do too.” Jala answered quietly.
“Just hearing Finn say he approves of me beside you helped ease some of my guilt.” Valor admitted with a sigh.
“And I hope what I have planned for the rest of the day will eliminate most of the rest.” Jala said as she slid down from the window and moved closer to him. He watched her curiously until she settled quietly into his lap. His arm wrapped around her waist and she felt him relax beneath her. Still silent she rested her head against his shoulder and closed her eyes once more.
“Are you going to give me the slightest hint as to what you are talking about?” he asked after a long moment.
“We are going to Arovan today to return your sister to her family, and I’m going to tell Elijah about Dray. I’m not going as High Lady Merrodin. I’m going as Jala. I don’t want anything political being drawn into this. I just want to know I am doing the right thing, and ease both of our minds. We should have done both before now.” Jala whispered.
“Are you sure you want to tell him about Dray?” Valor asked doubtfully.
“I’m positive. They can choose to accept him or refuse him. That is their right, but Elijah deserves to know he has a grandson, and it will give him two choices for his new heir. Chastity or Dray, I want him to take the burden from you soon.” Jala answered and pushed off his chest enough to watch his face. “If you still see it as a burden that is.” She added hesitantly.
“I have no desire to be the heir of Arovan. My heart is in Merro.” Valor assured her and pulled her closer to him once more. “If that is one of the things standing between us than I will be looking forward to visiting my Uncle. I should be the one to talk to him about the heir though. If you say anything it will seem political.” He added and kissed her gently on the top of the head.
“Do you suppose perhaps that if Elijah agrees to name Chastity heir, and if we are both dealing with our guilt well that we could marry after the council in Sanctuary?” Jala asked softly.
“After hearing you say those words I promise you that Elijah won’t have to agree. I won’t give him the choice. I will lay the signet before him and tell him to find another. If he disagrees then he only has one choice.” Valor spoke firmly and she could tell Elijah wouldn’t get him to budge on the decision he had made.
“What choice would that be?” Jala asked with a faint smile.
“To acknowledge that if I remain heir to Arovan that his country will become an extension of Merro by default if he should die.” Valor answered quietly.
“Ah, Chastity will make a fine heir and I’m sure he will see that just as soon as you bring up that point.” Jala said with a hint of amusement in her voice. “We have two or three hours before we have to face the world, Val. I’d much rather spend it curled in bed beside you than sitting in this chair.”
He rose without hesitation before she had even finished speaking and carried her gently to the bed. She crawled under the sheets and watched in silence as he removed his shirt and kicked off his boots. Within a breath he was beside her and she curled against his chest and wrapped her arm around his waist. “I promise you, Val, that I will never turn my back on you again no matter what weight is on my chest. I’m so sorry for the way I’ve been acting. It was something I should have dealt with sooner.”
“I don’t really see that you have anything to apologize for, but if my forgiveness is what you need to feel better than you have it for everything, Jala. I know how hard it is to push that kind of pain away. I kick myself nightly wondering if there was some way I could have saved H
onor and Micah, or if there was more I could have done for Finn. Our world is brutal, and no matter how hard we are grasping for peace, as long as there is fighting there will be death. We have no choice but to accept it and deal with our grief in any way that we can. Even when it means we distance ourselves from those we love. You needed space and I understood. I was never angry, only concerned.” Valor’s voice was low and she could hear the grief etching his words as he spoke his brother’s name.
“They say the souls of the pure return to the Lifestream the fastest. Honor and Micah both passed through the Darklands without penance. They will return to this world soon, and I truly believe that we carry an echo of our former lives with us when we walk amongst the living again. You will see him again, Val. He might not remember you, but I have no doubt you will know him.”
“May they both return to Arovan. Both of them loved Arovan with every ounce of their souls.” Valor said softly as he settled into the bed fully and allowed himself to relax. It wasn’t often that either of them truly rested, and she couldn’t remember the last time they had simply rested together in peace.
Chapter 8
Merro
The air was thick with moisture and she could feel a slight sheen of sweat on her skin. No matter how long Zoelyn was in Merro she didn’t think she would ever adjust to the climate. It was the heart of summer here, and it showed in everything around her. The grass beneath her was prickly and dry, and the heat was oppressive even at night. She could remember Delvay perfectly now, and she knew it would be much cooler there with frequent storms that kept the mountains cloaked in fog on most nights. The sky would be too cloudy for the stargazing she was enjoying at the moment, but she wouldn’t be sweating through her tunic either.
A soft noise behind her drew her attention from the sky and she turned to stare into the darkness of the gardens. No one else should be awake now, not even Dray kept these hours. She half rose from the ground and peered into the shadows trying to find the source of the noise. It came again from behind her and she recognized it for what it was; the swish of feathers. She rose quickly and turned nearly colliding with him as she did. Seth’s arms steadied her and she stared up into his gold eyes unsure if she wanted to run or melt closer to him. She had been avoiding him for days. Every glimpse of black feathers had sent her back into the house. There was no way of knowing if the crows had been simple birds or one of his messengers, but she had avoided them all the same.
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