My Heart

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My Heart Page 10

by LEIGH ARMSTRONG


  “Hello?”

  “Jamie, where are you?”

  I look at my watch; it’s 5:30.

  “Are you alright?”

  I pause slightly. “Did you know?”

  Now the pause is on her side. “Yes.”

  “I need a little time.”

  “I understand.”

  I hang up the phone wanting to call Michael but he’s at practice, so I don’t. Instead, I go to Susan’s parents’ house, needing someone who knew me, knew my childhood, and could help me process everything.

  *

  I meet her outside the horse barn and she’s set up chairs and lit the fire pit. She sees my tearstained face and comes over to hug me. “What happened today?”

  “I found out I have a sister.” I wave my hand in front of me. “Somewhere out there.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “I received a letter today that was written by my dad. Telling me about an affair and a baby girl. And here’s the clincher: she goes to Hopson!”

  “Jamie, your dad was pretty straitlaced. He had an affair?”

  “Yep, before I existed.”

  “Oh shit!”

  “Why tell me now? Why not let his secret die with him?” I realize what I just said and start crying again.

  Susan hands me a beer. “I am so sorry. I know losing him was hard for you. What are you going to do?”

  “Right now, drink lots of beer.”

  “I’m on it.”

  We talk for a very long time about my choices in this matter. When all the beer is gone and all the pretzels and pizza are eaten, it’s time to turn in.

  *

  I follow her to the house, stopping in front of the spare room, giggling. She places her hands on my shoulders. “I love you, always have, and always will. Go back and tell that fine man how you feel. Find this girl, don’t find her. It’s your decision to make.”

  I wrap her in a huge hug. “I love you and I needed this boozy night.”

  “Goodnight my friend.”

  “Goodnight.”

  I wash my face and brush my teeth, but the bathroom is spinning and my stomach feels like it’s about to erupt, so I crawl under the covers. I leave a text for Michael, “I miss you.” I fall asleep soon after, but awoke around 2:30, running to the bathroom to throw up my therapy. My phone vibrates on the nightstand so I answer, but get no response. I say hello again, still nothing. I fall back on the bed, dropping my phone on the floor before falling asleep.

  The next morning, I wake up with dry mouth, a pounding headache, and an uneasy stomach. Seeing the time, I go to Susan’s room looking for a charger for my dead phone. She’s passed out, hugging a pillow and snoring. I don’t want to wake her, so I decide to head back to Ruby’s. I kiss her head. Goodbye, my friend. I love you.

  *

  I enter Ruby’s house about 9:30 in the morning to find her in the kitchen. She looks at me as she dries her hands on a towel.

  “Are you okay?”

  “No. I have a massive hangover. I think I want to go back to school early.”

  “Are you upset with me?”

  “You might have known, but it wasn’t your secret to tell.” I sit down at the table. “When Dad died, I changed on the inside, which reflected how I treated the people around me. I shut everyone out. All the anger and sadness left me questioning everything. Two parents taken away from me and I literally thought I was cursed to be alone because of something I did. I dealt with those emotions this past year being at Hopson and meeting Michael. I can’t change what Dad did or that I have a sister out there. I can only control what I do for me. My heart is open to receive love, and I want to love someone in return. No more being scared or waiting for some terrible event to happen. I do need to ask you a question though.”

  “What is it?”

  “Do you think my mother knew?”

  “Sweetie, I knew your parents when they attended church as young kids. I introduced them over a bake sale. I watched them fall in love, get married, and go through rough patches. When you came along, they worked at being good parents, giving you a childhood to remember while living with her disease. Your mother used to say at church that you were her angel, a beautiful miracle. I visited her five days before she passed. She told me Jamison was her rock, the love of her life, but she knew that now her sweet green-eyed baby girl would mend his heart and bring much joy to his life. She had no regrets in her life, no ill thoughts, just love in her heart and peace of mind.”

  I’m crying all over again. “Ruby, I’m not mad at you. I love you and always will. Thank you for your support and giving me the guidance to know what I want.”

  Chapter 19

  Michael

  I turn to Jeff. “There is still no word from Jamie. Something’s wrong I know it.”

  Jeff downs his beer. “Stop worrying man, she’ll be here. You’re just anxious to confess all these feelings you have bottled up inside. I’ll never understand why you let her go an entire year without one word you were in to her.”

  Looking around my apartment I don’t recognize a lot of the people here.

  “By the way, who are all these people?”

  “Fans! Everyone loves the rowing team and it’s an excellent way for you to mellow out waiting for your lady and for me to get laid!”

  A girl comes by, handing out drinks. “Congratulations on your placement!”

  Jackson magically appears. “What’s your name, so we can thank you for the drinks?”

  “Trish.”

  Chanting starts for the team and their recent placement. I want nothing to drink but Jeff tips up my glass.

  “You’re the captain. We do this as a team.”

  “Fine but no more.” I finish it, then place it on the counter, as she hands me one more. “No thanks I’m done.”

  A girl grabs Jeff to dance and I’m left with Trish not wanting to talk to her but I ask a basic question.

  “Are you new to Hopson?”

  “No. I go to Community. I’m unfamiliar with rowing, but you guys placed today—that’s good, right?”

  “It was a close finish.”

  She touches my arm.

  “These are so tight. You must work out a lot.”

  I nod, not really listening, then look at my phone again, which seems a little blurry.

  “Are you looking for someone? Do you have a girlfriend I should be concerned about?”

  “She’s heading back from Texas. She’s real late, so I’m concerned.”

  “Well she’s missing a stellar party.”

  I squint, then pinch my eyes because now I’m seeing double.

  “Are you okay?”

  “Excuse me, but I need some air.”

  At this point, Stan walks by.

  “Man I just got here. There was a small mishap at work. Jamie back? I thought you two would be locked in your room already.”

  “No, and I feel weird. I’m going out for some air.”

  “Do you want me to come with?”

  “No, but have you met Trish?”

  I turn him to face her, making my hasty departure. I stand for a few minutes on the balcony but don’t feel any better. I check my phone again. Jamie, where are you? Maybe I’m rushing her back because I want to talk to her. For the first time in my life, I know what I want and it’s her. I go back in to find Stan talking with Trish.

  “Hey, I’m not feeling any better. Will you watch over all this and let Jamie know I’m in my room?”

  “Sure, do you need to see a doctor or something you look weird?”

  “No, I’m going to lie down. No more people in the apartment or the manager will have my ass.”

  Walking down the hall to my room, my head feels fuzzy, spinning even. I stumble, hitting the wall. I make it to my room, shut the door, and fall onto the bed. My body shuts down and my eyes close.

  Chapter 20

  Jamie

  Iarrived in front of the apartment about 2:30 in the morning, exhausted. I
slide out and grab my backpack and the bag of food Ruby sent back with me. The walk up to the apartment is quiet, except for some girls lingering outside. They’re dressed up wearing high heels and are talking quietly. I know there was a party, but they’re a bit overdressed. They spot me and begin walking away. I round the corner running into Stacey.

  “Jamie, you’re back.” She yells past me, “Wait up, bitches.”

  “Stacey?”

  “Sorry you missed the party, because the guys were so playful. Up for anything. It’s nice to know they still like having me around. That party was the best—a memorable one for sure! Happy Thanksgiving!”

  What was that about? Inside the apartment, I’m even more confused. I find a huge mess of food, bottles, and articles of clothing, along with guys lying on the floor and sofa. Two are sitting at the kitchen bar, talking. I walk in placing the food on the counter.

  “Hey, what’s going on?”

  “We’re discussing the events of last night. A shitload of drinking, dancing, and hookups all over. Truly an epic party!”

  “Are you guys on the rowing team this year?”

  “Yes. I’m Beau and this is Jared. We’re twins from CSU, new transfers. And you are?”

  “Jamie. I live here. Where’s Michael?”

  “Um, we’re not sure. In fact, our captain and co-captain have been missing for hours. A bunch of hot girls came in with awesome drinks begging us to drink them, dance with them, and well you know.”

  “I’ll go check his room.”

  “Cool. If we can’t get these guys up, can they stay?”

  “They’re okay, right?”

  “They’re still breathing.”

  “Good to know.”

  *

  I walk around a couple of guys on the floor, shirtless, and two without pants. I knock on his door, but nothing. Do I go in? What if he’s with someone? Just do it. I turn the knob slowly, so as not to disturb him. The light is on in the bathroom and he is in the bed. He’s naked with one leg hooked over the sheet, lying on his back. The comforter is off his bed, thrown on the floor along with a pillow. One nightstand is missing a lamp. I go over to him.

  “Michael.”

  He moves slightly, blinking. “Jamie?”

  He goes to sit up, but grabs his head. “When did you get here? I was worried about you. I called and sent texts.”

  “Michael, there are guys all over the living room and hall, beer bottles, trash, and a bunch of girls just left the apartment, including Stacey.”

  He sits up, realizing he’s naked under the sheet. “What the hell? Where are my clothes?”

  “You have no recollection of taking them off?”

  “No.”

  I sit down beside him. “So you came in, ripped all the stuff off your bed, knocked over the lamp, stripped off your clothes, then crawled into bed with an apartment full of people.”

  He looks around, confused. “No, I came in here because I was sick, my vision was off.”

  “Were you alone?” Then the look I was dreading. Did he sleep with someone?

  I can’t bear the thought, but it would be my fault for not telling him how I was feeling or that I wanted more with him sooner. I stand to leave, but step on a woman’s top. Now I’m nauseous.

  “Jamie, please don’t go. Let me get dressed so we can talk.”

  “I’m tired. You owe me no explanation.”

  I see a program from trials lying on the chair with words written in red lipstick. He’s up now, wrapping the sheet around him. I read the words out loud. “Thanks for the delicious time! Your best girls.”

  I turn, handing it to him. “This might help.”

  I hurry to my room, not wanting to hear his voice asking me to stay. I slam the door, then lock it for the first time since moving into the apartment. I pace the floor, tears in my eyes, my heart beating fast, and my stomach sinks over the thought he might have slept with someone. A knock on the door stops me.

  He’s quiet. “Jamie, please open the door.”

  “I’m tired. We can talk tomorrow.”

  “No, I need to see you. Please open the door.”

  I hesitate, listening to his voice. He’s the one I trust, the one I talk to, and now should be no different. I turn the knob and he slips in, removing my hand from the knob holding on to it. He shuts the door behind him. He’s now dressed in jeans and a shirt. I remove my hand from his.

  “I’m not sure of much right now, but just don’t shut me out.”

  I shake my head. “Maybe it’s too late for us.”

  “No, don’t say it.” He extends his hand again.

  He’s my friend and has always been here for me. I can’t turn away from him now. I place my hand in his. We sit on the bed together.

  “Jamie what happened to you? I heard nothing for hours.”

  “I’m sorry. The last two days have been hard.”

  “What did the lawyer say?”

  “A conversation for later.”

  He stands, walking to the dresser. “I can’t explain why my room is like that or why I had no clothes on. I don’t remember Stacey being here or anyone in my room.”

  “She made sure I knew she was here. She said the guys were playful and how she missed parties here. If you can’t remember, then how can you be sure you didn’t sleep with her or anyone else?”

  His head falls forward as he realizes my words could be true. I walk over to him.

  “We might not like the outcome.”

  He tilts my chin up, running his thumb over my cheek. He pulls me closer to him and wraps his arms around me. I don’t want to pull away from him, so I move in closer.

  “Jamie, I’ve waited a long time to tell you how much you mean to me—that I want you with me. I would never hurt you.”

  I look up at him. “I know that. And no matter what occurred here, I still want to be with you. You’ve shown me so many times who you are. You’ve supported, encouraged, and protected me.”

  He kisses the top of my head, tightening his arms around me.

  “I believe in us. I’m ready to be with you.”

  His eyes tell me what I want to hear. He bends his head to touch my lips with his, then covers my mouth with a sweet kiss. A lingering kiss, just for us, tying us together at last. I place my hand on the back of his neck, pulling him close. When our kiss is done, we rest our heads together. Then words came from my heart.

  “No more waiting or wondering. We have each other, no matter what we find out.” He lowers his lips again to mine as my soul ignites with a desire I never knew existed.

  *

  The next morning, I sit up in bed to silence, already missing his arms around me. He stayed with me until I fell asleep but left at some point to speak to the guys still in the apartment. I take a shower, dress, and go in search of him. Looking inside his room, all linens have been removed, and the broken lamp is gone. My search finds the apartment is back to normal. All the guys and trash have been removed. He’s stretched out on the sofa and thinking he’s asleep, I tiptoe to the kitchen for coffee when I hear, “Hey.”

  “Did I wake you?”

  He sits up. “Come sit with me.”

  “Did you sleep at all?” He opens his arms, pulling me to his side.

  “You smell good.”

  “Thanks, but what are your holding back?”

  “Jamie, I wish I could back up time and had gone home with you. But I didn’t and now I need to figure out what happened at the party.”

  “Does your head still hurt?”

  “A little. Now who’s worried?”

  I want to kiss him, reassure him I’m still here for him, so I straddle his lap as he places his hands on my hips. I touch his lips with my finger, then kiss him. I like the feel of him so close to me so I move in and he matches my thought by pulling my body in as I arch into him. His hands are in my hair, tilting my head back slightly, and he kisses me so passionately my skin tingles. Then he stops abruptly.

  “Let’s go eat.” H
e moves me off his lap, then stands up.

  “You want to eat right now after kissing me like that. Why?”

  He tries to pull me up off the sofa but I refuse, jerking my hands away. He places his hands on his hips in clear frustration. “I don’t ever want to stop kissing or touching you because I’ve wanted to do it for so long. But because of last night, I need to stop.”

  “Because you slept with someone else?”

  He turns away from me. I stand, grabbing his arm. “This affects me as well as you.”

  He places his hand in his back pocket, pulling out a phone, and hands it to me.

  “Where did you get it?”

  “In my bedroom. Let’s sit down.”

  Fear wants me to not ask the question but I have no choice. “Whose phone?”

  “Stacey’s.” He swipes the screen to reveal her picture. “I also found Caleb’s number and intimate pictures of the two of them.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “There’s more.” He takes the phone, swiping it, until he finds what breaks my heart into a million pieces.

  My body just forgot how to breathe so I swallow hard. “You’re in bed with her, exactly how I found you. No clothes, light on in the bathroom.” I toss the phone onto the sofa, then walk past him to the kitchen. I start messing with the coffee pot but his hands stop me.

  “Jamie, look at me.”

  But I can’t. It’s like I had feared. My nightmare just become reality. Why is this happening?

  “I would never choose to sleep with her.”

  “You can’t remember, so maybe you did.”

  He hands me the phone. “Look closer at the pictures. I knew showing them to you would be hard, but I need you to look at them again. My eyes are shut in all of them. When I spoke to the other guys from that night, they had symptoms just like me. Blurry vision, headache, off balance, and they don’t remember falling asleep. I think we were drugged.”

 

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