Berliner Ensemble Adaptations

by Bertolt Brecht

  Pieter (to Charlotte) See? He knows me. (While Pieter, proudly smiling, approaches the man he has rescued, Charlotte stares at the nobleman)

  Don Juan My good man, I’m sure you’d be glad to do me another little service. Run up to the village and give that girl—I believe her name is Mathurine—my best greetings. Tell her I wish to speak to her here on a matter of the greatest importance. And don’t tell anyone else. Understand?

  Pieter She’ll be here in a minute, your lordship. Yes, your lordship. (Running past Charlotte) I’ll be right back. I’m running an errand for his lordship. (Goes out)

  3

  Charlotte. Don Juan. Sganarelle.

  Sganarelle We’d better be getting out of here, my lord. Those damned boatmen may have righted their boat and somehow reached the shore.

  Don Juan Be still! I’m thinking.

  Sganarelle Remember, when the storm was coming up, they wanted to go home and you doubled their pay three times. But the sea has swallowed up our treasury.

  Don Juan Sganarelle, we’ve had bad luck. That storm this morning upset not only our boat but our plans as well. And yet, I must confess, that fisher maiden we saw just now makes up for it all. I discerned charms which, I suspect, will make up to me very amply for our unfortunate accident. That heart must not evade me. And I believe I have already softened it to the point where only a few sighs will be necessary.

  Sganarelle I can hardly believe it: here we’ve escaped death by a miracle and instead of thanking heaven for its mercy you start bringing down its wrath on our heads by your usual …

  Don Juan (threatening him) Hold your tongue! You don’t know what you’re saying. Your master knows what he’s up to. (Notices Charlotte) Ah! Ah! Another fisher maiden. Where has she come from? Sganarelle! Have you ever seen anything so charming? Seriously, isn’t she at least as beautiful as the other one?

  Sganarelle Of course. (Aside) Here we go again.

  Don Juan (to Charlotte) Lovely child, to what good fortune do I owe this delightful meeting? Can it be? Can there really be creatures like you in these remote regions, in the midst of trees and cliffs?

  Charlotte Yes, my lord.

  Don Juan Are you from this village?

  Charlotte Yes, my lord.

  Don Juan And you live here?

  Charlotte Yes, my lord.

  Don Juan And your name?

  Charlotte Charlotte, my lord, at your service.

  Don Juan Ah, what a lovely creature! What irresistible eyes!

  Charlotte You make me blush, my lord.

  Don Juan Ah, never blush to hear the truth about yourself! Sganarelle, what do you say? Can you conceive of anything more lovely? Turn around—I beg you. Oh, what a graceful back! The head a little higher—I implore you. Oh, what an adorable little face! Open your eyes. Wider! How beautiful they are! Grant me a glimpse of your teeth—please! Oh, how loving they are! Oh! And the lips, those precious lips! I’m overwhelmed. Never in all my life have I seen so lovely a child!

  Charlotte I don’t know if you’re making fun of me or not, my lord.

  Don Juan I make fun of you! God forbid! I love you far too much, my words spring from a full heart. Sganarelle, just look at her hands!

  Charlotte Phoo, my lord, they’re all black with tar.

  Don Juan What are you saying? They are the most beautiful hands in all the world. Let me kiss them—I beg you.

  Charlotte You do me too much honor, my lord. If I’d only known, I’d have scrubbed them with sand.

  Don Juan Oh! … Tell me, lovely child. You’re not married yet, I presume?

  Charlotte No, my lord, but soon, to Pieter. He’s the son of our neighbor Simonette.

  Don Juan What! A creature like you marry a common fisherman? No, no, that would be a crime against your marvelous beauty. You were not born to spend your life in a village. You are destined to higher things. Heaven has sent me here to prevent this marriage and do justice to your charms. You have only to say the word, my dear child, and I shall save you from a wretched fate and set you in the place you deserve. Perhaps you will say that my love is rather sudden. Ah, but Charlotte, that is the miraculous effect of your beauty; you inspire more love in ten minutes than another in six months.

  Charlotte Really, my lord, I don’t know what to say. Your words give me pleasure and I’d like to believe them, but they tell me I should never trust a noble gentleman because all his fine talk is just a trap to take a poor girl in.

  Don Juan I’m not one of those.

  Sganarelle (aside) God forbid!

  Charlotte It’s no joke to be taken in. I’m only a poor fisher maiden, my honor means a lot to me, I’d rather be dead than dishonored.

  Don Juan By me? I vile enough to dishonor you? No, never. My conscience is much too delicate. Believe me, dear child, I have no other design than to marry you in all honor. I am ready. Whenever you wish. This man here is a witness to my promise.

  Sganarelle No, no, you needn’t worry. He’ll marry you as much as you like.

  Don Juan Ah, Charlotte, you’re not the kind one deceives. Your beauty is your safeguard.

  Charlotte My goodness, I don’t know if you’re telling the truth or not, but the way you talk makes a body believe you.

  Don Juan Do you wish to be my wife?

  Charlotte Oh yes, if my aunt doesn’t mind.

  Don Juan Give me a kiss in pledge …

  Charlotte Oh, my lord, wait until we’re married. Then I’ll kiss you all you want.

  Don Juan Ah, child, I want only what you want. Just give me your hand and on it permit me, with a thousand kisses, to express my ineffable delight.

  4

  Charlotte. Don Juan. Sganarelle. Pieter.

  Pieter (calling in the distance) Your lordship! Your lordship! Mathurine will be … (He comes closer and sees Don Juan caressing Charlotte. He pushes Don Juan aside)

  Pieter Hey, sir, take it easy! You’re all in a lather, you’ll catch cold.

  Don Juan (pushing him back) How did he get here?

  Pieter (placing himself between Don Juan and Charlotte) I’m telling you to watch your step. Keep your paws off our womenfolk.

  Don Juan (pushes him away again) Oh! So much noise!

  Pieter Consarn it! I’ll teach you to push me around!

  Charlotte (intervenes) Leave him be, Pieter.

  Pieter What? Leave him be? I won’t have it.

  Don Juan (menacingly) Ah!

  Pieter Dag nab it! Just because you’re a lordship do you think you can smooch our women under our nose? Go smooch your own.

  Don Juan What did you say?

  Pieter You heard me. (Don Juan slaps his face) Don’t you dare touch me! (Don Juan slaps him again) Consarn it! Is that a way to repay me for pulling you out of the water?

  Charlotte Don’t get excited, Pieter.

  Pieter I want to get excited. And you’re a no-good fly-by-night, letting him pet you like that.

  Charlotte Oh, Pieter, you’re stupid. It’s not what you think. His lordship wants to marry me; that’s nothing to get sore about.

  Pieter What? Gee willickers! You’re engaged to me!

  Charlotte What of it, Pieter? If you love me, you ought to be glad I’m going to be a lady.

  Pieter No, goldarn it, I’d rather see you dead than married to someone else.

  Charlotte Now now, Pieter, don’t worry. When I’m a lady I’ll help you make money, you can bring all your fish and crabs to the castle.

  Pieter Consarn it! I won’t bring you anything even if you pay double. You going to listen to him? Huh! Holy mackerel! If I’d known I’d have thought twice before pulling him out of the water, I’d have given him one on the bean with my oar.

  (Don Juan approaches Pieter as if to strike him)

  Pieter Jumping Jehoshaphat! Do you think I’m afraid of you?

  Don Juan (coming toward him again) That we shall soon see.

  Pieter I’ve taken care of better men than you.

  Don Juan Indeed?

 
Sganarelle Oh, my lord, leave the poor devil alone. He helped us, you know. (To Pieter) Stop hollering, son, and make yourself scarce.

  Pieter But I want to holler.

  Don Juan (raises his hand to slap Pieter again) Ha! Let this be a lesson to you! …

  (Pieter ducks and Sganarelle gets the slap)

  Sganarelle (furious) You young snotnose! You can go to the devil! (Goes to one side)

  Don Juan (to Sganarelle) You asked for that, you humanitarian!

  Pieter (to Charlotte) All right, I’ll be going. But I’ll tell your aunt. (Goes out)

  Don Juan (to Charlotte) What heavenly bliss when we are man and wife!

  5

  Don Juan. Charlotte. Sganarelle. Mathurine.

  Sganarelle (catching sight of Mathurine, laughs) Ha ha!

  Mathurine (to Don Juan) My lord, what are you doing with Charlotte? Have you been talking love to her too?

  Don Juan (aside to Mathurine) No, of course not. She’s been buzzing in my ears. She wants to be my wife. I’ve just told her I was engaged to you.

  Charlotte (to Don Juan) What does Mathurine want?

  Don Juan (to Charlotte) She’s jealous because I was talking to you. She wants me to marry her. But I’ve told her I was going to marry you.

  Mathurine It’s not nice of you, Charlotte, to poach on other people’s preserves.

  Don Juan (aside to Mathurine) There’s no point in talking to her; she won’t listen to reason.

  Charlotte It’s not nice of you, Mathurine, to be jealous when his lordship talks to me.

  Don Juan (aside to Charlotte) You’re wasting your breath. She’s got an idea in her head, you’ll never get it out.

  Charlotte Oh yes, I will. (Removes one of her clogs)

  Mathurine You underhanded slut!

  Don Juan (to Mathurine) Ignore her. She’s possessed by a devil.

  Mathurine Then I’ll drive it out of her. (Also picks up a clog)

  Charlotte Sneak!

  Don Juan (to Charlotte) Don’t arouse her. She’s dangerous.

  Mathurine No, no, I want to give her a piece of my mind.

  Charlotte I’ve got to find out what she thinks.

  Mathurine What I think? of you? (She strikes; Charlotte strikes back)

  Don Juan (aside to Mathurine) I’ll wager she tells you I promised to marry her. (Aside to Charlotte) I’ll wager she claims that I promised to make her my wife.

  Mathurine He saw me first!

  Charlotte But then he saw me and promised to marry me.

  Don Juan (to Mathurine) What did I tell you?

  Mathurine (to Charlotte) He promised to marry me, not you.

  Don Juan (to Charlotte) Wasn’t I right?

  Charlotte Fiddlesticks! He wants me, not you!

  Mathurine Hussy! He wants me, not you!

  Charlotte Hussy yourself. He’ll tell you I’m right.

  Mathurine Don’t make me laugh! He’ll show you who’s right.

  Charlotte My lord, did you promise to marry her or didn’t you? She claims you did.

  Don Juan (aside to Charlotte) Let her claim what she likes.

  Mathurine My lord, is it true you promised to make her your wife? She says you did.

  Don Juan (aside to Mathurine) Let her say what she likes.

  Charlotte No, no. I want to know the truth.

  Mathurine This has got to be settled.

  Charlotte (to Mathurine) Exactly. His lordship will show you that you’re still wet behind the ears.

  Mathurine Exactly. His lordship will stop your impudent mouth.

  Charlotte (to Don Juan) My lord, settle the argument.

  Mathurine (to Don Juan) Decide between us.

  Charlotte (to Don Juan) Go ahead!

  Mathurine (to Don Juan) Speak up!

  Don Juan Ladies, what can I say? You both claim that I promised to make you my wife. Doesn’t each of you know what actually happened without my going into details? Everything has been said. I promised marriage. So far so good. If you have my promise, you can rest easy, no need to be put off by idle chatter. The one to whom I have given my promise will be my wife. It’s actions that count, not words. When I marry, you will see whom I marry. (Aside to Mathurine) Let her think what she likes. (Aside to Charlotte) Let her lull herself in hope. (Aside to Mathurine) I adore you. (Aside to Charlotte) My heart is yours alone. (Aside to Mathurine) All beauty pales before yours. (Aside to Charlotte) One who has seen you can have eyes for no other. (Aloud) I have a little matter to attend to. I’ll be back in a moment. Sganarelle, entertain the ladies.

  Sganarelle (with a dismayed look at the one bottle of wine that has been saved) I’ve only saved one.

  Don Juan Knock the neck off. (Goes a few steps away)

  6

  Charlotte. Mathurine. Sganarelle. Don Juan.

  Mathurine (to Charlotte) I say it’s me he’s going to marry.

  Charlotte (to Mathurine) All I say is it’s me he loves.

  Sganarelle (offering wine) Poor things! Don’t let him hornswoggle you. Him! Naturally he can turn your heads. Nothing to it.

  (Don Juan comes closer)

  Sganarelle Give me his coat, his ribbons, and his feathers and I’ll seduce you without trying; but then at least you’ll get something out of it. Take my advice: don’t trust him. (Sees Don Juan) Don’t trust the fellow who speaks ill of my master …

  Don Juan Sganarelle … (Grabs him by the ear)

  Sganarelle You don’t know my master.

  (Someone is hurrying in)

  7

  Charlotte. Mathurine. Don Juan. Sganarelle. Marphurius.

  Sganarelle What’s up? What’s the hurry?

  Marphurius (panting) Is this where the duel is to take place? (Introducing himself) I am Dr. Marphurius, the medical authority of this humble village.

  Sganarelle What duel?

  Marphurius Between the noble brothers Don Alonso and Don Carlos on the one hand and the noble Don Juan Tenorio on the other.

  Sganarelle Donna Elvira’s brothers! Are they here?

  Marphurius They will be here in a moment. They combed the village for a whole hour, inquiring after this noble Don Juan Tenorio. Then a young fisherman informed them that he was indeed here. (To Don Juan) Is it you, sir? I have come posthaste to offer you my services for the impending duel. I shall be greatly honored to attend your lordship. Foresight is better than hindsight. When the blood flows, we must be prepared. (To the girls) Bring shirting and basins of water.

  Charlotte Heavens, they’re going to stab each other.

  Marphurius Yes, they are going to stab each other. (To Don Juan) In these humble villages, your lordship, a stab wound is seldom seen nowadays. Ah! The golden age of dueling is past. In those days surgery made greater progress in ten years than in the preceding three centuries. The stab wound flourished, the cleanest, the most elegant of all wounds. Nowadays all they ever bring me is an occasional arm crushed between fishing boats. I am not speaking of the money but of the healer’s art. Duels trained the surgeon’s hand, they perfected his instruments. With this probe, for example, I treated Don Malaga after his glorious duel with the Duke of Estramadura. The wound was all of two feet long. The family gave me this purse! There were once fifty ducats in it, your lordship. I am not speaking of the money but of the healer’s art. How manners have degenerated and the arts with them! (While pacing off the distance between the duelists) I can see the day coming when our grandees will belabor each other with fish buckets. They will settle their delicate quarrels with flails and avenge their ladies with butcher knives.

  Don Juan My dears, one of those affairs which honor makes incumbent on those of my class obliges me to remain here alone.

  Marphurius O tempora, O mores! O times, O customs! The stab wound vanishes, the bashed-in skull takes its place.

  Don Juan If it pleases heaven to preserve my life, I entreat you to remember my promise. You will hear from me before nightfall.