by Frankie Love
However, Noah seems to miss this silent conversation since his back is to us as he pours coffee.
“And then there is the big news.” Noah has a grin on his face.
“News?” Tammi asks.
I shoot Noah dagger eyes. He must get the message because he back peddles fast. “I mean, uh, the news is that Chloe is working for us full-time.”
“Oh, that is wonderful,” Tammi says. “Gives you something to do besides lounge on the beach, Chloe.”
Right, like grow a person inside my belly. You know, there is hardly anything on my mind besides getting a good tan.
“You can handle all these guys’ schedules, Chloe?” Tom asks. “I bet it’s a big job to make sure they aren’t slacking. You whipping them into shape?”
I smile, realizing I’m not interested in playing games. I notice that Leo is watching with interest, probably wondering himself how this is all going to go down.
“You could say I’ve whipped them into shape, but it helps that we’re all in love. That we’re in a relationship, not just playing around. “
Tammi practically spits out her coffee. “Say what?” she asks when she composes herself.
I look around the kitchen, Enzo and Mason are beaming at me with big smiles, but Noah’s grin is the biggest. Even Ethan, who’s seemed so withdrawn the last few days, is smiling softly at me.
In that moment, I realize something. They are proud of me.
That I am theirs.
And I am the reason they have held the information back in the past because they are shamelessly and fearlessly ready to tell the world that we are in this together.
I blink back tears.
I won’t tell Tammi that I’m pregnant. Not until I have a better idea of how I feel about it, but I won’t tiptoe. This is who I am. I am not ashamed.
And for the first time in forever, I don’t feel like this admission is me throwing myself into a free fall. Maybe because right now I know there are men who will catch me.
My men.
I’m not alone.
I take a deep breath and look up, seeing Tammi and Tom staring at us with complete shock.
Good, I think as I reach for Noah’s hand and lace my fingers through his, while at the same time Mason wraps an arm around my waist.
I don’t owe anyone a damn thing.
This is my life, my love story. And I won’t let Tammi steal it from me.
I won’t let anyone.
And maybe I don’t know how to be a mother, but I didn’t know how to make this relationship work at first either.
But together, hand in hand, we figured it out.
And maybe we can figure this next part out too.
Hand in hand.
Chapter 12
ETHAN
I watch Chloe leave, after her dramatic confession to Noah’s parents. She said her piece and headed outside to breathe, said she was going to take a walk on the beach before meeting her new friend Harlow.
Her words left Tom and Tammi reeling and maybe I’d say I felt bad that they were blindsided, but I’m not. I’m mostly worried about Chloe.
Well, her and the baby and us and me and whatever the fuck is going to happen next.
Not to mention the massive competition being held on this beach tomorrow.
It’s our first time showing the world who we are without the backing of a sponsor, and I’m anxious for the guys. Ready and prepared, but still I’d be fucking insane to say I wasn’t a little nervous for the event.
Especially considering what I know I have to do. I won’t be there tomorrow with everyone else.
Chloe needs us all to end the day in one piece. Hell, she’s having a kid.
Our kid.
It’s all too much. More than I am ready for, that is for damn sure.
I can’t do this anymore.
“So, all four of you are what? In a polyandrous relationship?” Tammi asks, hands on her hips. She has known us since we were teenagers, but I am not responsible for filling her in on what is happening in Waikiki. I love her like a second mom, but there is only one woman who I am loyal to anymore.
A woman I know I’m going to let down.
I run after her.
“Chloe,” I call out. She turns, her blond hair whipping in the wind, the sun bright behind her. She looks like paradise.
“Hey,” she says, turning to me. “You decided to leave that shit show I started?”
“Damn, woman, you didn’t pull any punches did you?” I pull her to me, our bare feet sinking in the sand as white waves curl around our toes.
“I’m too tired, Ethan,” she says, wrapping her arms around my neck.
“I know,” I tell her, kissing her ear. Her cheek, her lips.
She moves against me, her body piqued and needy, I feel her desire as she holds the belt loops on my shorts, as she pulls my groin against her core, feeling my hardness.
“I need more of you, Ethan,” she whispers.
“Not now, Chloe,” I tell her, wanting all of her so damn badly but also knowing it wouldn’t be right. Not when I know what I plan on saying.
“You’re killing me, E,” she says, licking her lips.
“I know, but we’re on a public beach and there are kids around,” I say, trying to lighten the mood. But Chloe just pulls herself tighter against me, her vulnerability spilling over as she clings to me.
“Is it always going to be like this?” she asks.
“You mean waiting for the moment where we all feel comfortable in our own skin?”
“Yeah.”
“I think so,” I tell her. “I don’t think there’s a damn soul who has their shit figured out.”
“But I’m having a baby, Ethan. I can’t be a mess for it. I need to ... you know, know who I am.”
“You seemed to know plenty back in the kitchen when you gave Tammi and Tom a piece of your mind.”
She looks up at me. “You don’t want this, do you?”
I clench my jaw, my heart pounding in fear. I don’t want to hurt her … but I’m not ready to be the man she needs. I’m not fucking enough.
I look down at her, and try to let her down gently, so she can fly without me holding her back, “I don’t want to let you down.”
“I get it, Ethan. If anyone does, I do. I don’t want to let anyone down either, especially this baby. But I just keep thinking ... remembering how alone I felt as a little girl ... and Ethan, what if I mess it all up?”
“Mason and Enzo and Noah won’t let you mess it all up.”
“And you?” she asks, her eyes flashing with fear. “Where will you be?”
I blink back the truth, scared to show her my eyes, knowing she will see too much truth there.
“Ethan, what aren’t you saying?”
I step away from her. “I’m saying I can’t do this Chloe. I can’t fucking be the man you need.”
She shakes her head. “Shut up, Ethan. Don’t say that.” Her chin trembles and I want more than anything to hold her cheek in my palm and steady her but what happens when I lose my balance and we both fall?
She needs more than me.
She needs the men who can make promises they know how to keep.
Me? I don’t know the first fucking thing about forever.
“I’m sorry, Chloe. You deserve better. You deserve more.”
She reaches for me, her eyes wild, tears on her cheeks. “No, Ethan. You promised me your heart.”
“You still have it. You always will. But Chloe, I’m not the man for you.”
“Stop it, Ethan,” she says frantically. “We have our business, our life. We have a child!”
I shake my head. “You will be better off without me, trust me, Chloe.”
I wish it was the truth … that I could be her anchor of support like the other guys, but I’m not.
It’s time to get my shit and go.
I love her enough to know what she needs.
She needs more than a man who is scared shitless.
More than a fucked up kid who somehow managed to grow up. She deserves the goddamn world and I will always hold her back with my own baggage.
“But I love you, Ethan,” she says.
“I love you too. That’s why I am letting you go.”
She falls to her knees, and I know I’m hurting her so damn much. But I also know she will stand up again, be strong.
I saw her say her truth in the kitchen; she’s stronger than she gives herself credit for.
But me? I’ve been running on stolen time for a long ass time.
Chapter 13
CHLOE
He leaves me with nothing.
I’m alone, washed up on shore, and terrified.
I can’t lose Ethan.
Not now.
Not ever.
This relationship works because we are all in it. If one piece of this puzzle decides to leave, it messes up the entire balance.
Back in Jamaica and Tahiti, there were a lot more laughs, smiles. A lot more romance. Now there is a hell of a lot of fear coursing through all our veins.
To the point that Ethan pushed away.
Left.
Left me.
I pull myself to a spot in the sand, and rest my elbows on my knees, crying into my arms.
When I finally get myself together, I stand and wipe my eyes, not wanting to see anyone, but knowing right now, I really could use a shoulder to cry on.
I head for the coffee shop a block away and try to keep it together as best as I can. Yes, my eyes are red and I am sorta shaking, but I feel so lost. I don’t know where to go from here.
I order an iced herbal tea and am waiting in line when Harlow shows up.
I guess one look at me tells her all she needs to know. I guess I look worse than I thought.
“Chloe? Sweetie, are you okay?”
I bite my bottom lip, trying to formulate a sentence that sums any of my life up, but instead I just cover my face with my hands. When I look back up I see Harlow’s eyes widen, then her lips purse and she turns toward the barista. “Can I get a cold brew to go?”
He must know her because he tells her it’s on the house. A second later we have our drinks and she is dragging me out the door.
“Sorry for ... crying ...” I try to wipe my tears away, but I can’t. I love Ethan so damn much. “And I cancelled on you once, you must think I am a mess.”
And he just walked away.
He didn’t fight for me.
He just turned and left.
“Oh, shush. Do not apologize for tears or for rescheduling. Ever.” She tugs on my wrist and drags me back to the beach where Ethan just broke my heart. She plops down on the sand and pulls me to sit next to he. “To be honest that entire day on the boat ended up being super annoying. There was this guy here who would not get the hint. Don’t you hate that?” She smiles at me as if trying to lighten the mood, but I can’t pretend.
I swallow. “Kinda. But I don’t really date.”
“Oh, do you have a boyfriend? Is he why you’re crying?”
“Sorta.” I try to think through what Ethan said as he walked away. Could he really mean what he said after everything we’ve been through?
“Did he just break your heart? Oh, my God, I’ll kill him. I know people, just give me his number.”
I smile despite myself. This woman’s good vibes were contagious. Still, tears stream my face. I love Ethan so much. How could he do this?
“It’s complicated.”
“Spill,” Harlow says she sets her iced coffee cup in the sand and looks at me headlong. She’s in for the long haul.
“Do you have an open mind?” I ask.
She purses her lips. “Depends. I don’t care what people do so long as they aren’t jackasses. You know?”
I swallow. But if I was willing to tell Noah’s parents–– whose opinions really mattered, I might as well be honest with the snorkeling instructor I just met. “I’m in love with four men. And they are in love with me.”
She cocks her head to the side. “I need more than that, honey.”
So, I fill her in, about being found in Jamaica, about our whirlwind romance and traveling to Tahiti. About Mason’s injury and how our relationship was tested through the hard times.
And I end with Ethan just breaking up with me on this beach.
“But why?”
“Why what?” I ask.
“Why did Ethan end things after all you’ve been through?”
I bite my bottom lip. Closing my eyes, I reach deep inside for my courage. “I’m pregnant.”
“Oh, fuck,” Harlow says, her eyes widening. “Wow, Chloe.”
“I know.”
“And he isn’t the father?”
Now it’s my turn to be confused. “I don’t know who the father is.”
“Then why did he leave?”
I pause, thinking about Ethan’s past, not wanting to reveal things about Ethan’s past that aren’t mine to share. “Ethan has experienced a lot of dark times in his life. And it’s made him ...”
“Scared?”
I press my hands to my temples. “Pretty much. He seems so sure that he’ll let me down. And he doesn’t want to disappoint me. But hedging his bets this way is worse. It’s like he doesn’t think we’re worth fighting for.”
As I say it, I realize just how pissed I am. Ethan left me when I needed him. That isn’t love. That is fear.
Harlow looks at me with her pale pink hair tucked behind her ears. “Can I say something without you being ... offended? I mean I know we just met.”
“Just say it,” I say, wiping my eyes not caring what she thinks of me anymore, knowing I’ve never had a girlfriend before and there’s no point in pretending to be someone I’m not, just to impress her now. She can either take it or leave it.
“Choosing love is terrifying enough when you have your shit together, Chloe. But when you’ve been hurt, over and over again, it’s not just terrifying. It’s like inviting heartbreak to bed, knowing that you’ll wake up all alone. There is no way it will end well if that is what he’s clinging to.”
I snort, wiping my tears away. “Well thanks for the pep talk, Harlow, God.”
She shakes her head, her eyes sparkling. “No, Chloe. You’re missing the point.”
“And what’s that?”
“You can look past his fear and see his heart. Choose to believe in his best intentions, Chloe.”
“He chose to walk away.”
“To protect you from his own shortcomings. But what if his shortcomings were also his assets? What if he saw what you see when you look at him.”
I think about that for a moment, the way that I truly see Ethan. I imagine the way his dark eyes drew me in the night we met, how they refused to let me go. How he held me in his arms, holding my hurt in his hands. He’s not the same as Enzo, Mason, or Noah–– but that doesn’t mean he isn’t just as valuable.
Just as loved.
“If he saw himself as I see him, he would be a cocky ass,” I tell Harlow. “I think he is absolutely wonderful. More than wonderful, he’s unique and strong and raw. He doesn’t pretend, he doesn’t play games. And I love who he is so damn much.”
“Does he know that?”
I think back to my conversations with him over the last few weeks. I shed lots of tears, revealed lots of insecurity. There were many moments where I relied on him to piece me back together.
But what if right now, what he needs is a lover who can carry him? Hold him up. Stand by his side.
“I need to find him,” I tell Harlow.
She nods, then pulls me into a hug. “You can do this, Chloe. Fight for what you want.”
“Is that what you do?” I ask her. “Refuse to give up without a fight?”
She smiles softly before shaking her head. “Not exactly. But maybe I’ll get stronger, like you.”
I know life isn’t perfect for anyone, but I can see, even through a short, yet heartfelt conversation, that Harlow uses her outg
oing personality to mask something deeper. Something she doesn’t want to be exposed.
She’s like every woman. Every girl... we just protect ourselves with different shells to hide what we are most scared of showing: our authentic selves.
But if I want my relationship with my men to be more than what it is right this moment, I have to fight for what I want. For the love I know I deserve.
“Thanks, Harlow, for listening.”
“It’s what friends are for.”
We stand, shaking the sand off our butts.
“I have to go find him,” I tell her. “But you should come to the competition here tomorrow. Hopefully, I’ll have Ethan by my side.”
She nods. “I’ll be here. Everyone is talking about it.” I think she’s about to go, but she grabs my hand and squeezes it. “You’re gonna be a great mom, Chloe,” she tells me.
My throat goes dry. “Why do you think that?” I ask.
“Because you care. So damn much. Your baby is really lucky to have you. To have all of you.”
We part ways and I run back to the house, hoping I’m not too late.
Hoping she’s right. That love worth fighting for is mine for the taking.
Chapter 14
NOAH
“You can’t fucking leave, just like that,” I shout, arms raised, blood boiling. Who the fuck does Ethan think he is?
“It’s not a choice,” Ethan yells, having just returned from his walk with Chloe where he fucked things up, royally. “It’s for the best.”
The four of us are in the kitchen, and thankfully Noah’s parents left a few minutes ago to run a few errands because this fight is just getting started.
“And what if you’re the father?” Enzo asks. “What will you do then?”
“I don’t fucking know,” Ethan screams. “I just know you guys will do a hell of a lot better loving Chloe than I ever will. I’m a fucking mess. I have no idea what a father is. How to be one. I’ll screw this whole thing up.”