by Sam Destiny
“I have one. If you are going out and about with him, you can take mine. This truck just…” She trailed off and shook her head.
“Good memories,” he stated, not looking at her, but focusing on the street. He looked utterly relaxed in the dim light of the dashboard and she wanted to reach out when something struck her.
“Why in the world did you answer your mom’s phone?” For the first time since he’d arrived his expression darkened and he closed his eyes for a tiny second, telling her all she needed to know.
“A nightmare. Again,” she concluded and he nodded, this time not looking at her after she’d spoken to him.
“They are not going away, Tessa. Not even knowing that everything Hilary put on worked and cleared me of all the charges I made against myself.”
“I knew it wouldn’t… what?” It took her sleep-deprived brain a second until she’d caught up. “Cleared?”
The corner of his mouth twisted up and she blinked.
“Stop the car, Jazz.” She had no idea where they were and didn’t care. There was no other car around, no matter which direction she looked, and he parked on the side, just some green up ahead of them, then he turned to her.
“I was picked up today so they could bring me to base. A whole bunch of people waited, some I knew and some I didn’t, but in the end I was cleared. There were three more attacks like the one I went through, and one of my comrades, a guy I trusted with my life, confessed to manipulating the cars. They told me I had checked the cars and they would’ve brought us to our destination without troubles. I didn’t kill them, Tess. I didn’t.”
He shook his head and she saw his Adam’s apple bob. Without thinking she propelled herself in his lap, wrapping her arms around him while tears sprang to her eyes.
“I’m so happy for you, Jazz. Seriously. I never had any doubt you did your job right, but still… God, I’m so glad.” She pressed her face into the crook of his neck, breathing him in.
No matter how upset she was with him, and how much she wanted to keep the emotional distance because she couldn’t live with the back and forth, she missed him like she’d miss the air to breathe.
He pressed her closer to him and she felt how he breathed a kiss to her shoulder. “So am I, even though I’m still sorry for how it was for you since I returned. I… I didn’t think I deserved to be happy, until you and Will almost had me convinced it wasn’t my fault, but then Caleb happened and… what right did I have to be with you when his life was hell? When others had suffered because of me? It’s a terrible thought to have, Tess, and no matter how much I love you, and have loved you every damn day since we met, it wasn’t enough to drown out the darkness. It was even worse knowing you were the only thing making things easier. I didn't deserve easy. I didn’t even deserve to live for what I thought I had done to them. Damn, I’m not very good at this apology thing,” he realized, chuckling softly while she pulled back, moving into her seat again.
“We’ve been here before, Jazz,” she whispered and he nodded, letting her continue though. “I was ready to forgive you for pushing me away, but guess what?”
“I did it again, I know,” he told her and she hugged herself, suddenly freezing even though the cabin was still warm.
“I know you do, but that doesn’t mean anything to me right now, because… well… I can’t do it. I cannot let you break me yet another time.”
Jazz had a hard time not reaching out, not trying to convince her there on the spot to forgive him and trust him to do right by her, but he refrained from doing so. It would take more than a few rushed words in the middle of the night to make her believe him again.
Instead, he turned back, glancing in the rearview mirror. “He’s asleep,” he stated and she nodded, not even turning back to check if he was right. In the near darkness she looked even more exhausted than had been his first impression, and he grabbed two hoodies and a jacket from the backseat next to his son and then leaned over, squeezing it between the window and her shoulder, gently brushing his knuckles across her cheek before telling her to try and sleep. She watched him warily, cuddled against his clothes, and he knew what she worried about.
“I promise to not drive over state lines,” he teased, then sobered. “I’ll be fine. I’m awake, Tess. I haven’t been able to sleep since I woke.” The worst wasn’t over, but that was a conversation for another time, preferably during the day.
“Jazz,” she just gave back, probably not sure what she wanted to say. He turned the car back onto the road, knowing they were thirty minutes from her house, and though his child was asleep, he wasn’t yet tempted to turn back.
Just as fast as John had fallen asleep, his mother did the same, and only then he changed directions.
Hilary had warned him to stay away because she didn’t think he’d pull through, but that didn’t matter to him.
Tessa shivered next to him, her hands curled under her cheek while she’d pulled up her legs. Only when her cold toes touched his thigh did he realize that she’d kicked off her shoes. He held onto the wheel with one hand while bringing his other to her feet, just placing it over them. He needed the contact, and she was asleep, so he figured she wouldn’t mind… until she shifted and then curled into his side, making him hold his breath as if it was the first time ever. He thanked whoever was listening his seat wasn’t one broken up, but going through all the way.
“Just for tonight,” she breathed, her voice thick with sleep. He kissed the top of her head, now even more reluctant to bring her back, yet knowing she’d have a kink in her neck if she’d spent too much time in that position.
Why was it that the way always seemed shorter when you were going home?, he thought as he parked the car in the driveway. The door opened before he’d even turned the engine off, and he carefully moved until Tessa lay safely on her side, now fast asleep.
Once outside, he went to Hilary and told her to open Tessa’s bedroom door. He knew they hadn’t switched the rooms from the last time she’d been there, and though Hils didn’t look happy, she vanished upstairs and he returned to his girl, gently propping her until he had her in a position to slip at least an arm around her upper body before pulling her from the cabin and pushing an arm under her legs. He’d come back for her shoes after having settled her and their son in.
No matter how long it had been since he’d done weightlifting, carrying Tessa up the stairs seemed to be easy, and putting her into her bed proved to be harder than climbing up there. He didn’t want to let go of her warmth, yet did so because she needed sleep—and Hilary was watching him with hawk eyes when he’d hoped she’d stay downstairs to have an eye on his son.
Instead now he had to leave Tessa’s side even sooner, going back downstairs, searching around the car seat until he figured out how to release it and carry the boy inside without waking him.
“I’m gonna take the sofa,” he told Hilary, not even bothering to wait for her reaction.
“I think you should leave, Jazz. She hasn’t forgiven you, I know she didn’t, because I know her, and—”
“Hey, listen, I’m not here because I plan to crawl into her bed. I’m here to take care of my son in case he wakes up again screaming. You two have done more than you should’ve, and I know especially you raised him more than I did, but I want to be his father. Hell, I can see it. I know how things are with Tessa, and I know how much I have to make right again, but you know what? I love her and she loves me. That’s what I’m holding onto.”
“Jazz, I’ll have you by the balls if you pull any stunts with her. In fact, I consider cutting them off just to make sure you won’t fuck up again,” she threatened and he had to laugh.
“That would mean I couldn’t give her any more babies, and I’m pretty sure she wants a little girl, too,” he winked.
“Jesse…”
“Please. I’m here for him, not her or you. It’s just until she caught at least some hours of sleep, and after that, I’ll court her properly.”
Hilary
crossed her arms in front of her chest and Jazz couldn’t help but think she still looked as fierce as she had back when he’d first seen her. “Flowers and sweet words won’t make her come back.”
“No, but taking care of my son when she’s tired will, and wooing her the way she deserves it, as well as proving she can count on me. Plus, I have a plan, and I know you’ll help me.”
“Never.” He’d expected the resistance and wasn’t the least bit surprised.
“Oh, but you will, because you want Tessa to be happy.”
As she only gritted her teeth, he knew he had her. “Good night, weird protector of the maiden,” he grinned and she gasped.
“Are you calling me a dragon?” He saw her lips twitch and breathed a little easier.
“That’s what you said,” he pointed out, but still glad that she’d caught the drift. He didn’t want people to be angry any longer, especially not those who were just mad at him on behalf of Tessa. He needed everyone to be on his side or all he planned to do wouldn’t work out, and that sure as hell wasn’t acceptable.
Tessa stretched, needing a moment to realize where she was because she only remembered falling asleep against Jazz in his truck. She pulled back the blanket, finding herself still in the same clothes she’d worn and though a stab of disappointment went through her at the thought of him not even having undressed her enough to sleep comfortably, she couldn’t deny she was glad he’d respected her privacy.
Listening, she realized the house was utterly silent. Slipping from her bed while pulling her blonde waves back into a ponytail, she tiptoed downstairs, not having found her son in his own room.
She froze, finding John asleep on his father’s stomach. Jazz lay on the sofa, both arms protectively wrapped around his son and yet obviously in a deep slumber. His chest was rising and falling in a steady rhythm and she remembered he, too, hadn’t slept well.
Panic seized her as she wondered what would’ve happened had a nightmare surprised him, but since both guys seems to be fine she told herself to not worry.
She knelt next to the sofa and stared at her son’s face. It was peaceful and utterly relaxed, just like his dad’s, and Tessa couldn’t keep her eyes from roaming over the bead-covered skin. Jazz was smiling in his sleep and she found herself reaching out to touch him before reminding herself to keep her distance.
Pushing to her feet again, she went into the kitchen, no longer able to see the two as she kept herself occupied, preparing coffee and breakfast, all the while listening even for the smallest of sounds from Johnny.
After everything was done and some pancakes going on the stove, she stared out of the window, wondering why her heart was screaming out to just throw herself in Jesse’s arms when it knew how much he’d hurt her.
“Hey, I think I should get going before your mom wakes up,” came a voice from behind her, making her jump. She turned, her heart melting at the sight.
Jazz wore jeans and a white simple tee, carrying their son who still wore a navy onesie that was a little thicker than his usual sleeping clothes. The baby’s cheeks were red with warmth and though he sucked on a pacifier, he seemed to smile at the sight of her.
Jazz’s blue eyes were alert and looked like the ocean on a calm day, making her heart race in her chest as if it was the first time she’d ever seen him.
“Careful, I think you’re drooling,” he teased and she wiped her chin before her brain had caught up with the action, causing her to glare at him.
“Yes, John is the cutest thing out there,” she fussed defensively, feeling caught.
“Of course.” Jazz came closer and she closed her eyes as he kissed the side of her head yet again, handing the boy to her then.
“Have coffee before you go,” she suggested, somehow not wanting him to leave just yet, even if she didn’t plan to cuddle into him or talk about them.
“I was here to help you with the little one overnight. I think he’s still fevering, so you might not be far off with the teething guess. I’ll talk to mom and ask her for suggestions, but for now you should be fine. Right, little man?”
Jazz messed up the few hairs his son had before kissing Johnny’s tiny head. “Call me tonight if he screams again, okay? And don’t even think about waiting for three hours. He’s my son, too, and I can carry part of the sucky tasks.”
She watched him for a moment before smirking. “Agreed, so how about you go and change his diapers?” She expected him to decline, but to her surprise he rolled his eyes.
“Honestly, dude? That’s what you do to your dad?” He shook his head and then gave her a heart-stopping smile, one she hadn’t seen in a few weeks.
“Come on, I show you were,” she told him and then led him up the stairs, staying back as he took care of his son, handling the child with care and gentleness. Even though he’d gotten a chance to practice during the weekend she’d been there, she knew guys who couldn’t deal with a baby properly even after weeks.
“I hate to say it, but that looks really good,” she stated, nudging his side.
“It’s funny, because I feel as if I’ve been born for it. I know he’s breakable, or at least feels that way, but I’m not scared of handling him,” he explained and she smiled gently.
“Once I was released from the hospital I was terrified I’d do something wrong. For the first week I was trembling each time I had to change him or dress him. I’ve never seen anything so small, anything so breakable in my life.” She still remembered the feeling, remembered how hard it had been on her. She remembered, too, the nights she’d been sitting on her bed when he was asleep, crying because she felt like the biggest failure. In the end though every midwife, every nurse had been right and one day she’d just woken up, knowing she’d be able to do this.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there during that time,” Jazz whispered, picking up their babbling son. Nothing was left of the terror they’d dealt with the night before. Instead Johnny seemed to be happiness reborn, and she briefly glared at her son even though it didn’t make a difference.
“You should’ve let mom sleep instead of making a fuss,” she complained and Jazz shifted the boy from one shoulder to the other, laughing softly. The warm chuckle made Tessa hold her breath, taking a second to gather herself before following the guys back to the living room.
Putting the child on his play blanket, Jazz took a deep breath. Though he hadn’t yet turned back to her, she saw the way his shoulders stiffened, as if he was preparing for something.
“Tell Hilary I owe her, okay? And I told my superiors to leave you alone. I heard they tried to contact you,” he said, still not looking at her.
“They did. No clue what they want from me, and I’m not going to call them back,” she admitted, remembering they hadn’t talked about more than the brief admittance about him not being charged with treason or whatever soldiers could be charged with from the army. There was so much she wanted to know about that afternoon, so much she wondered, and yet he gently rubbed John’s tummy before telling the little man goodbye.
“Neither do I for sure, but I promise that I’ll find out, okay? Call me if you need anything. Please, I’m his dad. Don’t call Hilary when it’s about him. I have my phone with me.”
“But…”
“No, let me step up to a task that was mine to begin with. Promise me, Tess.”
He took her hand and surprised her by kissing her palm.
“I promise,” she found herself saying before even thinking about it.
He nodded, watching her face as if he wouldn’t see her again, then he lowered his eyes, making it impossible for her to decipher the emotions flashing through them.
“I’m going to let myself out,” he told her and turned away, slipping his sneakers on before walking toward the hallway.
“Jazz,” she called after him, crossing the distance between them to throw her arms around his neck and squeeze him tightly. “Thank you for your help. We needed it,” she stated, meaning every word. She felt how he hugged h
er back, but not long enough for her taste. She knew technically he stayed away from her because he respected her boundaries, but she somehow still wished he’d at least try to tear down her walls with a bang.
“Goodbye, forever girl. I’ll see you soon,” he promised, almost making it sound alike a holy oath.
“Goodbye Desert Heart,” she replied, waiting until the door fell closed behind him before she turned and went back to her son’s side.
“He’s gonna wear you down with kindness and surprises,” Hilary predicted, joining her in the living room.
“Hey. I didn’t see you on the stairs,” she admitted, not being surprised because she had been a million miles away with her thoughts.
“Of course not. I think in your mind you were leaving with Jesse in the truck,” Hils suggested, but Tessa shook her head.
In her mind she’d held him back just so she could watch him interact with their son all day.
She had to agree with her friend: He was tearing down her defenses with softness and a hint of unexpectedness, and if she was honest, she maybe preferred it this way in the end.
Jazz wasn’t surprised when Ryan blinked at him in disbelief. “Where do you want to go?”
“I need to see Will,” Jazz patiently stated again, having a hard time to suppress a grin. His mood had taken a turn for the good—finally—and although Tessa’s reaction that morning had clearly proven she wanted to be with him, he’d also seen the fear and hesitation in her eyes. It didn’t matter that she doubted him now, because soon she wouldn’t anymore. However, there was another item on his list he still needed to sort out, and that was getting back to base to work again.
“Who’s threatening you this time?” Ryan wondered and Jazz arched a brow at him.
“Threatening me?” he echoed and Ryan nodded, squinting at him.
“Are you trying to tell me you came here out of your own need? No one asked it of you?” Ryan clarified and Jazz chuckled.
“Just because I want to get back to work and I need some coping mechanisms, hoping Will can help me,” he admitted and Ryan shook his head.