“I stole it. A long time ago.” I try really hard to keep my voice steady and my body upright.
“Why would you do that, Gracie?”
“Because it was hers. I wanted something of hers. I wanted to know why. That’s all I ever wanted to know. Why she didn’t love me. Why she didn’t want me.” I can’t stop the wobble in my voice this time.
Dad reaches for me, and as soon as he pulls me into him for a hug, I start to cry. Taking deep breaths, I will the tears away and sit down next to him.
“Oh, why would you ever think that? Your mother didn’t leave because of you, Graceland. She left because of her.”
“But the poem.” I point to the book in his hands.
Dad’s face is tight. I can tell he doesn’t want to talk about it.
“Your mother suffered very severely after you were born. She had post-partum depression after the twins, but with you it was overwhelming. For all of us. She would hold you and cry for hours, then she would refuse to touch you for days. She would have fits of hysteria, and I’d have to take all of you out of here and leave you at Judy and John’s for weeks sometimes. Even after the medication. Your mother never wanted this life, Graceland.”
“I’m sorry, Daddy. I didn’t know.” This is probably why he never talks about it.
He pats my hand.
“It’s okay. I should have told you. I forget how much you’ve grown. I forget that you’re not my little girl anymore.”
“So why did she marry you? Have four kids with you?”
He sighs.
“She didn’t know what else to do with her life. Kristy and I were high school sweethearts. Started dating at fifteen. We didn’t know any better. We didn’t know that there was life outside of this town. I always knew I wanted to work on the farm when my dad retired. Kristy was always uneasy. She was always dreamin’, and we even broke up over it, and she took off to the south. But she came back. I took her back. That’s when we got pregnant with Hunter. So we thought we’d do the right thing. Get married, start working on the farm, and raising our baby. It was after Hunt that things started to change, but when we found out we were having you, your mother didn’t take it well. Four kids in such a short time. It was hard, Gracie, but it wasn’t you. It was her. It was everything combined, and she couldn’t take it. She went inside herself, and she never came out. We decided it was best for our family for her to leave.”
Tears are rolling down my cheeks, and Dad pulls me onto his lap like he did when I was a kid. He cradles me and hugs me tightly, my face buried in his chest.
“I thought she didn’t love me. I thought it was my fault.”
“No. Don’t you ever think that. It was never your fault. Not ever, Graceland.”
I hug him tighter. I feel bad now. I feel bad for bringing it up and making him relive it. And here I’m all twisted over Ben and the fact that he’ll leave at the end of the summer. I feel worse for freaking out on him about Ms. Trimble. I take in a deep breath, and Ben’s words come rushing through me.
Be real, Graceland. What do you want? Stop being who everyone says you are and be you. What do you want?
“I’m so sorry, Dad,” I start. “For yelling at you. I shouldn’t have. I’m just scared.”
Dad pulls back and looks at me. “Why would you be scared?”
“What we have works. I don’t want anyone to ruin us. We all pitch in. We work together. What happens if we bring someone else into what we have?”
“That’s why I didn’t want to tell you. I didn’t want to unless I was sure that she’d fit with us. All of us. I’m a package deal, and any woman who would take on a man with four teenagers is a very strong woman in my opinion.”
I smile and chew on my thumb. “I suppose so.”
“I’m sorry I kept it from you, Bug. I honestly thought I was doing the right thing.”
“I know, Daddy. Maybe you could invite her out for a barbecue or something?” Ms. Trimble has been the librarian at my school since I was in fourth grade. I don’t need to get to know her, but this protective feeling that is forming inside me wants me to get to know if she’s right for my dad.
He smiles and nods, handing back the book.
“It’s yours. Don’t you want it?” I ask. He shakes his head.
“I’ve moved on from all this, Bug. I suggest you do the same. Live life today. Stop looking at yesterday.”
I chuckle and grab the book.
“You sound like Bentley,” I mumble, and Dad’s gaze shifts back to me.
“What was that?” he asks.
“Nothing,” I shrug, and stand up. I pause at the door on the way out to smirk at him.
“The school librarian, Dad? Does she wear her glasses and say dirty book words to you like Dewey decimal?” I laugh.
His face settles in a faux-glare, and he points to the door.
“Git. Don’t you have a farm-hand out there to chase after? One that I specifically mentioned was off limits?”
I suck in a sharp, shocked breath, and my dad looks very pleased with himself.
“I may not say much, Bug, but I ain’t stupid. I’m not the only one sneaking around.” He winks at me and goes back to his paper.
I blush deeply, and he shakes his head at me as if I’m the stupid one for thinking I could get anything past him.
I feel lighter as I step outside into the clean, refreshed air. I clutch Mom’s journal in my hand. At least I know now. This one wasn’t my fault. I don’t have to apologize to her anymore for making her leave.
But I did to Ben. To my dad.
Two apologies down.
Two more to go.
Epilogue
Graceland
Surprisingly, I’m able to laugh along with my brothers at the epic failure that is my driving test. I knew I’d fail even before I got behind the wheel. I’ve only driven with Ben twice since the first time at the Shelton Shack, and with my apologies to Lacy and Dermott taking up so much of my mind, I really didn’t care about driving.
“You sure you want to be dropped off here, Bug?” Archer says from beside me as he pulls his truck into the stable yard. He’s still sweaty and smells disgusting from football camp, and even if I didn’t have to meet Ben here, I’d gladly walk the rest of the way so I don’t have to smell the animal that I call brother. I’m just glad Asher had to drive my car home, and I don’t have both of them in here. There are not enough air fresheners in the world, I swear. I do not know what the appeal of football players is.
“Yeah, here’s good.” I don’t say goodbye and hop out into the blazing sun. I jog around the barn to say a quick hello to Belle before heading out into the field. Ben should be finishing up the hay harvest, and I see a tiny speck in the distance standing on top of a big bale stack.
Squinting into the sun as I approach, I can tell he’s smiling because it’s blinding.
“So?” he yells down to me from the top.
I look at the ground and shrug, but I’m holding in a laugh too.
“You failed,” Ben states, and I glare up at him, backlit by the sun and surrounded by clear blue sky.
“You sound so sure of that.” I grab onto the bales and begin to pull myself to the top.
“C’mon, Gracie. No one drives three times and passes on a standard. Just say it. You failed.” He pushes my arm playfully once I’m standing beside him.
“Failed epically is more like it. Don’t really want to talk about it.” I push him back. He sits down and settles himself on the bale before patting the hay between his legs. I lower myself and sit with him, resting my back against his chest. He wraps his arms around my shoulders and presses his mouth to my bare shoulder.
“Hey!” I shrug gently so he lifts his lips from my skin. “Cheater.”
His body shakes mine as he laughs, and he hugs me tighter. I’m quickly getting used to him. To this.
“Since when do you play by any rules, Graceland?” Ben laughs and pushes the hair over my shoulder, his fingers running along th
e back of my neck. It makes me shiver even in this heat.
“Fine, I’ll play by the rules,” Ben continues.
“My favorite color is green.” He kisses my shoulder, and I smile.
“I had a dog for a week when I was seven, but my mom made us get rid of it because it shed. I cried for a week,” he says and kisses the side of my neck.
I turn to face him, my grin wide as I try to imagine him crying.
“I cheated on a Chemistry test in eleventh grade because I was going to fail the class.” He presses his lips to my cheek and kisses me loudly. Pulling back, he smiles.
“Better?” he asks.
“Better,” I say and lean forward, kissing his mouth quickly at first, but he wraps me up in one of his crazy amazing hugs and kisses me harder.
A kiss for everything I learn about him.
This is the best way to get to know someone better. By far.
And the summer has only just begun.
END
Holloway Farm BOOK TWO sneak peek
BEYOND THE INFINITE HORIZON
Coming 2014
Prologue
Asher
One year earlier
She’s standing so close that I can feel the sun radiating off her body. Her skin is bronzed from our week of camping but her shoulders are bright red and burning. I touch them lightly.
“Are you okay?” I ask, running my fingers lightly across the skin. It looks painful. But I never get to touch her and I want to more than anything.
Goosebumps appear on her skin even though it’s hot enough to kill a horse and not a cloud in the sky.
She tilts her head up to look at me. I can’t tell if her cheeks are burnt or she’s blushing.
“It ain’t fair, Asher Holloway.” She says and pushes my chest. She turns away and looks out onto the lake.
We're alone. We're never alone.
“What ain’t fair?” I fight back a smile as she wraps her arms around stomach and holds onto her elbows.
She glances over her shoulder, the purple strings from her bikini trail down her back. Double knotted like my sister, Gracie, taught her. Gracie says guys are never to be trusted, especially brothers. While it’s true anything to embarrass my sister is fair game, her best friend is different. I want to untie Lacy's strings but for entirely different reasons. Lacy really is the prettiest girl I’ve ever known and I've thought so ever since I can remember.
“You,” she says and I can’t stop the smile this time. I step up behind her and turn her carefully by her shoulders and she lets me.
“You and those stupid dimples. It ain’t fair that you know how you drive me. You and that ego of yours knows exactly what you do to me, but still you do it. Just to tease me. It ain’t fair that you’re Gracie’s brother. It ain't fair that we have to sneak like this. You know she’d kill me if she knew I was here.”
The breeze picks up now that we’re close to the shoreline and the smell of standing water and algae sweeps past us. I tilt her chin up with my thumb and tuck a strand of her perfect golden hair behind her ear.
“You remember that day when we were nine? After your Grams died and Gracie made you cry?”
Her eyes widen and she bites her bottom lip, and Good Jesus, I can’t handle it, so I run my finger along the soft pink skin. Just to keep from kissin' her. She’s right. I can't stand the sneaking. I can't hold back anymore. Gracie made it very clear that Lacy was hers and I wasn’t to spoil their friendship by being myself. But I need to make Lacy understand how I feel.
“That was six years ago. How do you remember that?”
“I remember everything about that day.” It was the day I fell in love for the first time. Sad, boyish puppy love, but love none the less. It was the first time I wanted to sit close to her. To make her feel better because she was sad. It was the first time I kissed her.
“Why you bringin' that up now?” she asks but I see it her eyes that she remembers that kiss too. Of course we were nine so I bashed my face into hers like a frightened calf and pretty sure I made her cry worse. But I bet she remembers.
“Because you say you have no effect on me, but that’s a lie and you know it.”
I slide my hands down her arms and take both her hands in mine, lifting them so we are palm to palm. She takes a step closer. I could rest my chin on her head, she’s so tiny.
I lace my fingers through hers. She’s just trying to hold back a smile. Bitin' on that lip again in the way that makes me crazy.
“I think about that day every time I see you, Lacy Pearson. You know why?”
She shakes her head and her sunshine waves fly out around her burnt shoulders. “Because every time I see you I still want to be close to you. Like that day when we were nine, I want to hold your hand and make you feel better when you’re sad. I want to be the one you cry to. The one you laugh with.”
I tug on her arms to close the distance between us, and place her hands on the back of my neck. Her chest is rising and falling fast. Her grey-blue eyes hold mine so intently that I feel like nothing around us exists. This is it. Her and me. Even the sand beneath my feet disappears. The moment slows and I'm glad, because after this moment we have to go back home. Back to pretending we're just friends. Back to secret conversations and hidden touches.
“I want to kiss you.”
My hands slide down her arms to her shoulders then continue down her back to her smooth waist. I twirl the long purple bikini stings in my fingers. She swallows hard and I swear she hasn’t blinked in over a minute. She tightens her grip around my neck and leans against me. She’s so soft it makes me ache. She stands on her toes and my arms slide tighter around her waist.
She shakes her head again and smiles.
“It just ain’t fair.” She closes her eyes and I take my chance.
Lifting her feet off the sand I bring her mouth to mine, sure to be careful this time.
About the Author
Allie Brennan grew up on a farm before moving around to several small prairie towns. As she got older, she developed wandering feet that took her to various towns, cities and countries before settling in Northern Canada. When she's not writing or reading, she designs book covers and hangs out in the great outdoors, fueling her partners obsession with camp gear and adventure.
Acknowledgments
Thanks to my beta readers Jolene, Leigh, Olivia and Darlene; my editor Yesenia Vargas; my support team at home; and most importantly to anyone who has given my books a chance.
A special thanks to Jessica, for making me stick to it even when I didn't want to. Your encouragement helped more than you'll know.
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