I leaned into him, praying he was coming back from his grief.
“I never want you to change who you are, but do you really want Grace to grow up here? Go to these schools? Ride her scooter past the homeless guys with the signs on these streets?”
“No, I want better for Grace. I want everything for her. But at the same time, I don’t want us to live a lie. I’m never going to sit in some office cubicle with a tie on. Some suburban house in Seven Hills or Anthem or wherever – how are they going to feel about their neighbor with gang ink all over him? How about when they ponder over my criminal record?”
“That’s a long leap of logic, Shawn. What do you love to do?”
“Ram my tongue up you all night long.” His finger skated up my thigh, under my shorts, and deep inside me.
“No, don’t try to change the subject. And we’re going out.”
“Afterward,” he said in that deep, growly voice.
“No, first dinner, then…dinner.” I pushed his finger away, ecstatic to have him actually flirting again.
“Fine.” He popped the coated-with-me finger in his mouth in one last defiant attempt to avoid date night.
“So what do you want to do when you grow up? For a living.”
“I told you, I want to train fighters. That gym is my religion, the ring is the only place I feel like me. Boxing is the only place I have value.”
“And with Grace.”
“And with Grace,” he agreed, walking toward her room.
That night, we were a family. Of course, it was too perfect to stay. A happy baby, the man I loved, Vegas summer – I dared to think it could all be real.
As we drove back from Shawn’s first-ever professional sports game, the lights lit us up again.
“Hank,” I said.
He looked into the rearview mirror. “Nah, it’s a regular squad car.”
“Were you speeding?”
I peered into the side mirror to see if I recognized the cops, but the lights were too bright.
“Like I’d ever dare speed out in here in rich white people land.” And with that, he opened the door and put his hands in the air.
I shot off a text to my dad before glancing at Grace. She was sound asleep in the center of the car.
They were cuffing Shawn across the hood of the car. It certainly wasn’t how I got treated during a normal traffic stop.
Rolling down the window, I asked, “What’s going on?”
“Warrant out for his arrest, ma’am. Are you okay to drive this vehicle home?”
“There are no warrants. I’m his daughter’s caseworker, someone would have told me.
“We’ll sort all of that out downtown.”
“I bet you will.”
His light eyes flashed at me as they walked him by before shoving him into the back of the squad car.
And then my phone rang.
“Stop this, Hank.”
“I did tell you to stay away from the gangster, didn’t I?”
“I’m done with you. You can’t hurt me.”
“Did you hear that Tommy got roughed up in jail yesterday? Sorry, I guess I can’t protect him like I used to.”
My heart hurt at the idea of my confused younger brother being harmed. I had to get him moved somehow.
“What do you want?”
“Simple, darlin’. But I’ll spell it out since you’re a bit dense. You stop fucking the gangster, and I’ll stop fucking with him. You have my word.”
“What’s he under arrest for right now?”
“Capital murder.”
I gulped hard. “Ridiculous. Of who?”
Did he know about the Russians?
“His old lady neighbor.”
“Oh my god, that’s crazy! Ethel Godwin fell in his house. I was there and so was Shawn’s mother.”
“I know that, you may know that, but he can be held a long time on that charge. In the meantime, his daughter will need to go to a foster home.”
“That charge won’t stick.”
“Doesn’t matter, does it? Six months to a year away from his kid while it goes through the system – that’s a long time in the life of a baby, isn’t it? And then when his friends at the DA let him walk, something else pops up.”
I was trapped. “I’m not going back to you – not for anything, not even for him.”
“Not asking you to, T. All I’m saying is keep his dick outta you. Stay away from MacKenzie and I’ll leave him alone.”
“He keeps his daughter?”
“That’s up to you and the courts. I don’t give two shits about that little mutt.”
“I need some time.”
“Of course. I’m a reasonable guy who loved you once. Maybe, sort of. Anyway, you keep to yourself the stuff about the Chief’s wife and stay away from the gangster. Everyone moves on and life is peachy. Deal?”
The tears streamed as I moved over to the driver’s seat. With one word I made my pact with the devil.
“Deal.”
He was home in hours.
“No big deal, Tara, really.”
He smacked Andy on the back. “Thanks for the ride.”
“So they didn’t charge you with anything?”
He shook his head. “Nah, misunderstanding I guess. Go figure.”
“Whew,” I said. I even over acted by doing the wiping my forehead gesture.
I wanted to die, but instead I smiled. One last night with him, that’s all I’d have. And Grace – I loved her like she was my own. The weight of it all threatened to crush me.
To him, it was a routine evening. To me, it was the last night of my life. Every single moment was important. Some day, I knew I’d replay it over and over in my mind. My last night with Shawn. My last night with Grace.
“Oh, hey, Tara, do you want me to order you up some…what the fuck is it you eat?”
I grinned, faking it. “I’ll eat whatever.”
“She eats food, asshole,” his younger brother said from behind me. “Animal carcasses and dairy products like the rest of us.”
It was like one of those Charlie Brown cartoons when the adults talking turning into a swish noise. It all seemed so meaningless.
“Uh, no, I’m fine. Whatever you have is good. Let me give Grace her bath and get her to bed. You’ve had a long night.” It was as if the words were coming from someone else.
“You mind if I drive Andy home? I’ll be back in like twenty.”
“Perfect,” I managed to say.
“So before your thug boyfriend was arrested, we’d talked about Netflix and chill or something?”
“You just said boyfriend.”
We were on his sofa, Grace asleep, Andy driven home, and it was just us. He was so close that I could feel the warmth from his body on mine.
“Come on, Tara. You know how I feel about you.”
“I want to remember this night forever,” I said. I rose to straddle him on that cheap-ass couch that I would never forget, my lips on his.
“I want it all tonight from you, Shawn. Soft as shit, hard as fuck, all of it.”
“Okay, who are you?” He smiled and I leaned into him.
“I just realized it’s all temporary.”
“Fine, but I’m not getting in that tub tonight. So what will it be first?”
I pulled at the buttons of my proper-social-worker-blouse, ripping them off with zero fucks. “First, I want savage beast sex, and leave all the marks – everywhere.”
The next morning was about passion of a different kind. It was time to do the adulting – to do what was best for the baby girl that we both loved more than anything.
I knew I had to give the performance of my life that morning.
“This has to be over, Shawn. For the sake of Grace.”
“Let me get rid of him.”
I shook my head. “Your hands have to stay clean. One slip up, and they’ll lock you away. And this time, they’ll make it stick.”
“He can nab me for anything, anytime.
Just like last night.”
I pulled my hand from his. “He won’t, though. Hank and his buddies would rather have you gone.”
“Where does that leave us?”
“Over.” I sniffed, willing myself not to cry.
“So I have to sacrifice us for my daughter.”
“You know you do. There’s no other answer.”
“Someday I’ll come back for you. I promise you that, Tara.”
“You won’t. You’ll move on.”
“No, I won’t. If you walk out of here, and this is done, I’m going to marry Theresa Warner.”
Rage flowed me through me. “What?”
“She suggested it the other day. If I can’t have you, fine, whatever it takes to keep Grace.”
“That solves nothing.”
“It solves everything. It gives her family, it shows that I have stability. Her parents won’t ever question where Grace should be again.”
“She’s an evil bitch and you know it.”
“Perfect for me,” he said, bitterness oozing from him.
“A sham marriage is problematic. If they find out…”
“Not a sham. A marriage, a family, a life.”
“You’d never love her.”
“That’s the fucking point, Tara.” He stood up, angry.
Inside, I was dying. But I knew that my love would destroy them both. And I loved them far too much to do that. Hank had taken so much away from me, but he wouldn’t take them.
But I was in no way surrendering. I had a plan, and I was done letting anyone control me.
“Can’t we just see each other until…” he let the words fade, knowing they were futile.
“I know you won’t say it back, but I love you, and I love that baby. Goodbye, Shawn.”
And I fled. Before I could change my mind, before I could fall into his arms, I left Sam’s Town and didn’t let myself look back.
Eighteen
Be Quiet, Because Grace Is Asleep And You Look Like A Screamer
Mack
I should have felt pain when she left, but mostly what I felt was numb. Another blow, another beat down. And the worst part was I knew she was right.
He would keep coming for me.
To love Tara would mean losing Grace – and that could never happen. So, I’d swallow that in an attempt to become a father. Maybe someday it would all stop hurting. But she was right, we had to sacrifice what was between us to keep Grace safe.
A few nights after it all ended, newly in love, or in re-love or whatever, Jake tried to talk me out of it.
“So it’s done?” He peered at me over his tankard of cheap beer.
“No choice.” I really didn’t want to talk about Tara. I missed her every minute of every day.
“There’s always a choice, Mack. Always.”
“Whatever. We went up in the flames at that great altar of sacrifice that life demands, my friend.”
“Bull-fucking-shit. You’re afraid of love and you let her go.”
“False.” I looked away, pretending to watch some sports-something game that I didn’t give two shits about.
“And you’re going to marry this other chick?”
“I guess, if it’s good for Grace.”
He raked his palm across his abdomen and studied the sports scores.
“Still hurting?” I asked.
“Eh, it’s not so bad. Besides, now I’m a badass with a gunshot wound.”
“I’m really sorry, Bro. If I thought there would be trouble, I never would have asked.”
“Trouble does follow you, my friend. But I think you just take that fucking social worker off to Cali with your gorgeous baby and live like happily every after.”
“That’s what I wanted, but it wasn’t in the cards.”
“I’d take another bullet in a heartbeat for you and your kid, Mack. You know that.”
“Don’t let that lead let you go all soft and shit. Let’s go shoot some pool before your actress girlfriend gets tired of babysitting for free.”
“I’m pretty sure she’s in baby coma, no worries there.”
We had a good night, despite my broken heart. But as it always does, life threw me another curveball.
It was midnight when we made it back to Sam’s Town. Jake stumbled a bit up his stairs as I waved to him.
“Great to have a designated driver,” he slurred, falling into his trailer.
It was the first drink he’d been cleared off to have since the shooting, and I didn’t begrudge him a bit of it.
But I needed to see Grace and be home. I turned the lock on my front door to relieve Cassidy of baby duty. But her face fell when she saw me.
“I’m sorry, Mack.”
I raced toward Grace’s room. “What?”
“No, she’s fine,” she whispered from behind me. “It’s him.”
I turned to her. “Huh?”
“Your dog. He hasn’t moved from his bed.”
I relaxed. Thug was old and lazy. “He’s just ancient and arthritic, nothing to worry about it. Thanks for everything.”
She came close and put her hand on my arm. “It’s more than that. He’s in pain and I really think you should see a vet.”
I felt that odd urge to take it out on her, like you do when someone holds the truth up to your face. Especially the kind of truth that you bury under the sand, the kind of truth that involves someone you love dearly.
“Um, yeah, okay, tomorrow I will, I promise. How was she?”
Cassidy peeled her eyes from my dying dog and forced a smile. “She’s the best baby!”
“I feel like I should pay you something. Something more than leaving you with a drunk Jake Tanner next door.”
She laughed. “I loved being with Grace, and drunk Jake puts out, no worries.”
I gave a social laugh as she left, but as I looked over at Thug, the dark cloud grew.
It rained that next night. My heart already broken, I clung to Grace in the sterile animal clinic as she slept against my chest.
“I’m sorry, Mack. He’s had a long life. When I think of that chewed up little puppy you brought in years ago…”
“Please, Doc. There has to be more we can do. He’s my…”
I refused to cry. Doctor Walford had been my vet from the beginning. When I first carried Thug to the clinic in my arms, I was a gang-banging boy full of rage, but who loved a puppy he stupidly named Thug. Back then, other than a fucked up girl, he was the only thing I’d ever loved.
“A purebred. Twelve. Mack, we always outlive them. That’s the hard part. You’ve given him the best life ever.
“Except the years I missed,” I said with a gulp. My heart was breaking for the second time that summer.
“He was in good hands. And he will be now.”
Grace stirred against me, and my hand instinctively cradled her tiny head. “Can I have a little longer? A few weeks maybe? I just broke up with someone I…” I still couldn’t say the word.
He put his hand on my shoulder. “He’s in pain. The cancer is substantial and the drugs probably aren’t dulling it much.”
It was time to be strong – Thug deserved that. I nodded, but couldn’t say the words.
“I’ll get everything ready. He’ll go to sleep peacefully and his pain will be gone.”
He went with my arms wrapped around him as I sobbed like a little boy. Grace never even stirred from the warmth of my chest as my heart shattered.
Afterward, driving home without him in the world’s safest vehicle, I felt nothing. Numb, just numb.
I went through the motions of life and even poured some food in his bowl before I remembered. I stared at my phone, yearning to call her.
“No,” I said out loud. “That’s done.”
Instead, I buried myself in Grace and routine.
But when she was asleep, I curled up on the floor in a ball and sobbed like a baby.
Since I didn’t drink, do drugs, or even smoke anymore, I turned to the one vice I had le
ft. Or used to have, anyway.
“Of course,” she said on the phone. “I’ll be there in five minutes.”
It was a long five minutes as I second-guessed my terrible decision.
She shifted from one stiletto-heeled foot to the other when I opened the door.
“I was surprised to hear from you.”
“I was surprised to call you, but come in.”
“Have you reconsidered, Mack?”
I waved her toward my bedroom. I didn’t want to chat, I wanted to fuck the pain away.
“Be quiet, because Grace is asleep and you look like a screamer.”
She smiled like she was the Joker in some Batman movie – and I knew at that moment she was wicked, evil. Not like I was, but without any sort of personal code. She’d lie, cheat, crush the innocent, and in general do whatever it took to feed her greedy soul.
“I bet you could make me scream. But I’ll try not to wake my niece.”
Tall, curvy as hell, wavy hair cascading over her shoulders – she was exactly my type.
Except, as her red nails scraped across the bulge in my jeans, I knew it wasn’t happening. Sure, my body responded, I’m a guy, after all. But my soul screamed no. Betrayed by my heart, by emotion.
“What’s wrong?” she whispered, her fingers nimbly reaching for my zipper.
“I’m in…” I took a deep breath. “You’re not her, that’s what’s wrong.”
“I’m not asking for your heart, Mack. Just this, for now.”
“No.” I brushed her hands away. “It’s not happening. Sorry, Theresa.”
“Well.” She straightened up, her lips pursed in a sneer. “We can work on that. If you want to keep Grace, though, I’m your only answer.”
Her offer made total sense. And who cared if I had some marriage on paper to this chick? Tara was gone, after all. If I couldn’t be with her, then why not just do some sham thing with Theresa for Grace?
But I knew I couldn’t. Not to ease the pain of losing my dog. Not to numb the ache for Tara. No matter what shit I got into, no matter how far I’d strayed, I’d always at least been genuine, real.
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