by Auryn Hadley
"And Cyno's always been a strange one. He's damned good, don't get me wrong, but he needed to be handled a bit gentler than the others. He's kinda like a feral dog. Ya never quite knew if he'd turn on ya or not. But, for the most part, you being around has him straightened out, too."
She watched him talk, his face looking back in time, and quietly followed what he was saying, storing the bits of information he handed out so causally.
Zep smiled weakly. "Well, my point is, it seems like everyone in the Blades is a damned iliri mongrel. All of ya have something I can't quite touch, but it's like I almost can. Ya know?"
"Because you're human?"
"Yeah. I was basically raised by an iliri servant, and I've never much liked how you all get treated. That's why I stayed on when I saw what LT was building. Arctic managed to get me in the link. It took some time, but he did it, and I've been with 'em since. I've been a Blade for nine years Sal. I've seen a lot of blood and lost a lot of friends in that time."
"Yeah," she whispered, understanding.
"The other day was the first time I've ever worried that I'd die. Cyno would have killed me if I hadn't pulled my hands off of you. And you pulled me in so deep, I didn't even care, hun."
"Zep. I'm so sorry -"
"It's not you I'm gettin' at, Sal. Well, yes and no. It's not your fault, though. Look. When it hit you, I tried to resist. I've never had a problem before. Usually a nice hack and slash, a few cracked skulls and all that; it just gets me ready to go. I find a whore, I bury myself in her, and I pay her when I'm done. That's all there is to it, no different than most of the men in this army." He gestured to the rooms around them. "That's why I had those memories ready for ya, 'member? Back for your first assassination."
"What's the tattoo, Zep?" She suddenly felt like it mattered.
"I'm getting there. So, back when Cyno was new to us, I stumbled upon him right after he did a job. Don't know if he ever told ya about that."
"We haven't really talked about it."
"Well, he was like a damned wild animal. I was scared shitless of him. I knew what he needed – you could see it all over his face, and from the damned tent in his pants – but shit. I hired him a whore, the kind that takes it rough, and kept the Blades from disturbing him the entire night. The next morning, the poor girl looked like she'd been mauled by a damned wolf, so I tipped her extra for the time it'd take her to heal up, ya know?"
She nodded again.
"So, yeah. I knew it hit you all something fierce, but I really had no idea. I saw the miraculous things your kind can do: the speed, the power, the mental stuff. Risk heals with just the force of his will. I mean, that's pretty damned impressive. I was so jealous. I wanted to be iliri so much, to fit in. I guess so I wouldn't let LT down. That's when I got the tattoo."
He looked at her, blushing slightly. "It's supposed to be an iliran spell. I know there's no such shit and all, but it's written in your language, and basically says something like 'I'd give my life to be iliri.' I got it after I sent Cyno that whore."
Sal reached over and put her hand on his forearm, still listening.
"So yeah. I had no idea what being iliri really meant, not till I saw you after you got jacked. We thought you were going to die for a bit there, Sal. That bastard poisoned the blade he got you with. It took Risk a lot of work, and by the time you were good again, he barely had the strength to walk out of the damned room. That dumb-ass General had Cyno holed up in his office, taking his sweet time, thinking nothing of one of our mates bleeding out. So yeah. It was me or Risk, and I figured, being human and all, I'd be able to hold you off, right? Especially since Risk doesn't really go for women, ya know?"
"I actually didn't know," she said, calmly. "But it didn't go so well for you."
"Shit, Sal, you have no idea. I felt it. I mean," he pulled his shirt back, showing her the scar on his chest, and Sal cringed at the memories. "You bit the shit outta me, and I liked it." He shook his head. "That's not quite right, more like I needed more of it. Don't get me wrong, you're one hell of a woman and I could kiss your lips all night, but I don't usually go for the hard shit, ya know? But when you kissed me, I felt like I couldn't stop. It took everything I had, every ounce of will, to keep from just ripping your clothes off and having my way with you. Is that what it's like for you?"
"Yeah," she said. "That's pretty close. Your skin's on fire, your blood is pumping, and you need something. Only another's touch will do, but it always feels too soft, like you need more, harder."
"Yeah. And it's..." He looked over to the window. "It's exhilarating. It's amazing."
"It also is really damned inconvenient, Zep."
"Oh, I can see that, too." He laughed awkwardly. "But Sal, what I'm saying is you're different. I think it's because you're pure. When I'm with you, I'm in the link. Not reaching for the link, but in it, easily. When that passion shit took hold of you, you passed it to me. For a split second, I even thought about fighting Cyno for you, like a damned bunch of dogs."
"That's how Jase explains it, too. Like a dog sniffing at a bitch in heat."
"Pretty much," he agreed. "What I wanted to say, though, and took a real long way around, is that I'm sorry. I've been jealous of you. You just settled right in and fell into the routine, and things have been changing around you. I wasn't sure I liked it so much. You're a good girl, Sal. I like having you with us, but I don't want to sleep with you. Not really. But don't tell the guys that, ok?"
"Fair enough." She smirked and looked away. "Maast, Zep, I tried so hard not to bite you, but I couldn't stop. I'm so sorry. You taste like... like my blade – sweet, and kinda crisp."
"Probably because I'm about as human as the Blades will ever see." He shrugged, and waved that away. "Thing is, Sal, I'm jealous. Before you came, I wished I was anything but human. But, I had no idea what I was wishing for. When you stayed linked with me, back in the cave, I got a taste of it. When you got jacked..." He sighed. "Sal, I didn't want to like it. I didn't, but I did. I can't stop thinking about it. You made me iliri for just a little bit." He leaned back and rubbed at his eye, trying to make it look casual.
"I'm sorry, Zep." She squeezed his arm.
"You don't get it." He pressed his hand over hers. "You give me what I've always wanted. That's not something to be sorry for. I don't get what LT's on about with the whole human thing, and I don't think you should listen to him. If he's too fucking stupid to figure it out on his own, it's not like you can't find someone better."
"I can't. That's what you don't seem to understand."
"You can, Sal. Cyno, Arctic, Razor, hell, even Shift, but he'd never admit it. Why are you torturing yourself to make LT happy?"
She thought for a long time, trying to put her feelings into words. "Jase knows," was all she said.
"Yeah, that may be, but he sure won't say shit. You don't have to tell me, kid, but you need to figure it out for yourself, ok?"
Sal nodded and closed her eyes, leaning back into the bed. A small gasp slipped past her lips.
"Ah, Sal, don't cry on me." Zep moved to her side, pulling her to him.
"Don't worry." She buried her head against his shoulder. "I can't."
"Can't?"
"Can't." She lifted her eyes to his. "Doesn't make it easier, but I can't."
"Sal?" His voice was gentle. "How can you make yourself human if you can't cry?"
"I don't know, Zep. I keep trying, but it's not working. I thought that maybe if I changed my diet, it'd take some of the aggression. I mean, not all women cry, right?"
"Why is he that special?"
She pushed her head further into his chest. "He's my first, Zep. The first man who ever cared about me."
"Ah fuck." He looked up at the ceiling. "I didn't know you were a damned virgin. Ah, Sal, babe. I'm gonna fuckin' beat his ass."
"No," she cut him off. "I was a slave, Zep. I wasn't a virgin."
He pulled her closer. "I'm not sure that makes it better."
She s
hrugged. "No one knows that, ok?"
"Cept Cyno."
"Yeah. Cept Jase."
"Ok, kid. Then if this is what you want, I'll help you make it happen. I'll stop trying to talk you out of it and I'll help ya. I mean, I'm pretty sure I know what it's like to be a human."
She looked up at him, confused. "Why? Two minutes ago, you were telling me I could do better."
"I didn't say I was wrong. Look, you're a good friend, Sal. You and Cyno, you're the closest I have." He shrugged. "I'd rather see ya with Cyno, just cuz of that, but you're my friend, and if this is what you want, then this is what you're going to get, ok?"
"I don't understand you, Zep. I bit you, and you thank me. And now this? I can't keep up."
"You're kinda like the little sister I never had. Any time you need anything, I'm here, little one. I promise I'll keep my clothes on this time."
"Don't make a promise you can't keep. Blaec already taught me that."
"K, well, let's just say that I'll try to keep my clothes on, unless that happens again."
She glanced over to see if he was joking and realized he wasn't.
"If Cyno isn't around and you need someone, I'm here. I'll probably hate myself in the morning, but I think I can take it. Hell," he chuckled, "I'll probably even like it. But I don't want it. I just know it happens. I've seen what you two go through when there's no release."
Sal looked at him for a long moment, then did something so human it surprised even her. She hugged him, like a sister would her brother. "Thank you, Zep. It doesn't make any sense, but that means so much to me. I'm still getting used to all of this."
"I know."
"I try to put on a brave face for it all, but half the time I don't know what my own body is doing. All of you are the closest thing I have to family. You're the only people I can even call real friends. I don't want to fuck this up, Zep. I feel like I'm stepping in it really good and I'm scared to death it's going to bite me in the ass. I just don't want to screw up a good thing."
"I got yer back, kid. I'm here any time you need me. I swear."
Chapter 44
Zep stayed with her, making sure she ate something her body would tolerate and talking to her until her eyes were too heavy to stay open. She woke in the middle of the night and found him watching her while the moonlight streamed through the small window. He smiled and whispered her back to sleep.
When the sun rose, Sal was alone. She went through her usual morning routine then decided to go for a ride to help clear her head. She needed something to take her mind off the heavy feeling of loneliness that kept trying to consume her. When she passed by Cabin 13, she paused, but Jase's rooms were still silent. She missed him more than she expected – and she'd expected to miss him a lot. He was the only one that always seemed to understand her. Zep tried, but it wasn't quite the same. Realizing that only made her mood more bleak, so she lifted her chin and turned her feet to the barn.
Arden nickered when Sal stepped onto the packed alley. She grabbed a handful of hay and offered it to the mare, scratching her long neck over the stall door. It wasn't much, but Arden didn't ask for a lot in return for her affection.
None of the staff was around, but Sal had been in the field long enough that she felt uncomfortable asking someone else to tack up her horse. She'd learned her way around the barn during training, so grabbed a halter from the rack and a box of brushes from the shelf. Setting those beside the cross ties, she went to grab her saddle and bridle. Pulling open the door to the tack room, she paused. Risk and Tilso looked up guiltily, jerking their hands back to their sides. Suddenly, all the hints the guys had been dropping fell into place. She wasn't his kind, but it appeared the stablemaster, Tilso, was.
"Sal," Risk said, standing.
She smiled at him. "I just need my tack, guys."
"It's not what you think," Risk said, while Tilso tried to look anywhere but at her.
"What it looks like is a couple of guys trying to get off their feet and away from the craziness of the barns." She shrugged. "If that's not what it is, then you shouldn't be hiding it from people who don't care."
"Wise words," Risk pointed out, meeting her eyes. "I wish you'd learn to follow them."
"Fair enough," Sal agreed, knowing he was right.
"You're not going to say anything, are you, Miss Luxx?" Tilso asked.
"No, Mr. Tilso. I'm not going to say anything. Not if you don't want me to. Why would I go out of my way to mention the barn manager talking to one of the Black Blades in the tack room?" She stepped closer and patted the young man's arm. "Our tack did take quite a beating recently. Isn't any of my business if you're just checking stirrup leathers and girths, right? And I do wish you'd call me Sal."
"Right," he agreed. "Sal."
"Risk." She turned to the pale man. "Why the secret?"
"It's me," Tilso said. "My sister's the assistant manager now, and we moved Ma up into the loft with us. She keeps hoping that one day I'll carry on the family name."
"And you haven't told her you have no interest in women. I get it. Your sister know?"
"Nah. It isn't tolerated real well in our kind."
"Well, it's none of my business either way, but," she looked at Risk pointedly, "he is the barn manager for the Black Blades. I'm pretty sure no one would find it strange if he spent more time with us. Pretty sure your cabin has a door that locks, too."
"You don't think that would get out?" Risk asked.
"Not outside the Blades," Sal assured him. "Kinda like Blaec and I."
"Thanks, Sal. You have a point. The guys going to be upset?"
She looked at him, confused. "By what?"
Risk gestured at Tilso. "Me bringing home a man."
"No. They already know. They'll be happy for you. Just be nice to the kid, ok?"
Tilso blushed and busied himself with finding Sal's saddle. "He's pretty nice to me," he mumbled.
"I need a pad too, if you could? And if this lasts more than a week, tell your family? Ok?"
"Why?"
"Because if you wait longer, it'll only get easier to put it off. It's your life, Ahn. You can't be someone you're not. You can't hide it forever and live a lie."
"Yeah," Tilso said. "You're right."
"And we got your back. Or a round at the pub and about eight shoulders to lean on. Deal?"
"Deal. Thanks, Sal," Tilso said, passing the tack to her.
Risk grabbed her arm, stopping her before she could retreat from their intimate moment. "Sal? Say that again, and listen to it this time."
She thought back over her words and sighed. "Yeah. I know, Risk. It's just not going to be easy to give him up."
"Easier than what you've been doing."
"Maybe. But Arden needs to stretch her legs."
He nodded. "I understand. I owe you one, ok? And the offer holds for you too: a round and a shoulder."
Sal thanked him and returned to her mare. She brushed Arden thoroughly, losing herself in the simple task of caring for her own horse, then tacked her up. That simple sentence echoed in her head. She couldn't be someone she wasn't. She didn't know really who she was, but it was true, she couldn't make herself a human.
Leading her horse on a loose rein, Sal made her way through the barn. When she stepped into the daylight, she collided with Zep's broad chest.
"I know you're distracted when you run into something as big and black as me," he teased, gesturing to his fatigues.
"I am," she admitted. "I just kinda got smacked upside the head by my own words. What are you doing here?"
He glanced around quickly, looking for something. With a sigh, he gave up. "Don't kill me? I came to make sure you were ok."
She smiled at him and shook her head. "No death and mayhem today, big brother. I just need to stop wallowing in self-pity so planned to take Arden out. Want to join me?"
"I'd love to," he said, "but I can't." He glanced up to the arena balcony.
Sal's eyes followed his, and she saw Blaec lea
ning over the rail. Their eyes met for a moment, then Sal glanced away, quickly. Everything she loved about him was still there, calling to her from his eyes. "I'm pretty sure you're not getting a lesson."
"Nah. Just need to have a chat with an old friend. You good with that?"
Sal reached up and grabbed Zep's hand, holding it for just a moment. "Yeah. Thanks Zep. You're a good man, you know that?"
He kissed her forehead gently. "That's our secret then, ok? I can't risk my reputation. Go ride."
Chapter 45
He'd been sleeping alone for a week now, Blaec realized as he leaned over the railing, watching the barns below. Sal's white hair stood out against Zep's black uniform. He should go back to work. He was expected to report to Command in the morning and his report wasn't close to finished, but he couldn't bring himself to look away from her. A week, and she still hadn't come back.
When he'd ended things between them, he expected her to simply move on. Cyno was always right there and willing. She hadn't slept with him since, either. He sighed, resting his chin on his hands. She'd changed. She no longer was the bright, vibrant thing he remembered. She sulked through rooms now rather than stormed through them.
He moved back inside to the viewing room, but found himself pouring a drink instead. He sipped at the liquor and walked to the balcony again. She was still there.
When the Blades returned, they'd been met like a conquering army, but he wasn't the only one that couldn't feel the excitement. His men had become serious. They trained more and drank less. He rarely saw them in the pub. They just waited for something to happen.
He watched Sal across the distance. She leaned against Zep and he knew they were talking, even if he couldn't quite hear it. He hadn't expected her to choose him. Of all the men, she spent her time with the human. He felt a spark of anger at that and smothered it with a long drink. When he looked back, he saw Zep staring at him. Their eyes met across the distance.