by Sosie Frost
And only now did I realize she’d never once meant to include me.
Micah had pissed me off before, but she hadn’t actually hurt me.
Not until now.
“What about the baby?” I asked.
She pointed to her belly. “Well…unless you want to put the baby in your uterus, he’s coming with me.”
“Don’t get smart.”
“Then use your head, Jules.”
Unbelievable. “What the hell are we going to do about the kid?”
What were we going to do about us?
Micah had no real answer, and she faked the pleasantries because she was too scared to admit the truth. “We can work something out—”
I slammed my hand against the railing. “What the hell do I have to do to convince you to stay? You’re carrying my baby.”
“I can’t plunk down where I’m standing because I’m pregnant.”
“Why the fuck not?”
“Because this is a good job!”
“And this is a good farm.” My chest ached. “And I’m a good man.”
Micah frowned. “Don’t you think I know that? Don’t you see? That’s why I gave you the barn!”
“So you’d have an excuse to leave?”
“As a gift to you!” Micah stared at me in disbelief, like she wasn’t the one cracking open my chest just to rip out my heart. “I did this for you, cowboy!”
“Bullshit,” I said. “You did it for yourself.”
“What?”
“You’re too obsessed with your future to realize what you’ve got now. What you’re missing. What you’re losing.”
“I have to think about the future,” she said. “I don’t have a choice now.”
“Don’t blame the baby for this.”
Micah hand reflexively covered her tummy. “Don’t you dare. I love this baby, Julian Payne. That’s why I’m doing this! So I have a job, some money, some security.”
Because she couldn’t depend on me?
Or because she refused to admit her feelings?
“I saw your five-year plan, princess,” I said. “You never once planned for a child…or for someone like me.”
“A bastard who would criticize me for accepting a fabulous new job offer?”
“That’s me. Ruining your life, one job at a time.”
She brushed her hands through her hair, tangling her fingers in the curls. “Jesus, I thought you’d be happy for me. This is everything I’ve always wanted. A good job. Cushy pay. Maternity leave. I don’t have to rely on you for this. You got your barn. I got my job. Everyone wins!”
Except the jackass who’d played for more.
“We talked about this,” she said. “You agreed with me. These past few weeks…it was just sex. We never made plans for anything more.”
I frowned. “We’re having a baby. That is our plan for more.”
“Don’t.” She interrupted me. “I know what you’re going to say. But we can’t start a relationship just because I’m pregnant.”
“Why the hell not?”
“Because it never works! I lived through that life, Julian. My parents married only because of my mother’s pregnancy. It ruined their lives. They fought. They screamed. They hated each other.”
“You really think I could hate you?” I asked.
“No.” Her whisper was soft, slow. “But it would kill me if you did. And I can’t risk that, Jules.”
“So, you don’t even want to try?”
“If I wasn’t pregnant, you wouldn’t be asking me to move in, to live with you, to start a family with you.”
That didn’t matter. Not now. “But you are pregnant.”
“Yeah.” Her voice trembled with tears. “But a baby doesn’t make a family, Jules.”
And apparently, I wasn’t worth the chance.
I held out the folder, looked her in the eyes, and tore the papers in half.
“And a barn doesn’t make a farm,” I said.
Micah stared as the shredded paper drifted to the ground. “I…why…don’t you know what I had to do to get that approval?”
“Wasn’t that important after all.”
And it didn’t matter now. Not without her at my side. Not without our baby learning to walk on the porch. Not without a future together—kids at the breakfast table, crops in the field, a beautiful woman in my bed.
Tears stained Micah’s cheeks. Her voice weakened. “I did this for you, Jules. I did it to prove…”
“Prove what?”
Her expression crumbled, but she wiped the tears away. “Forget it. I don’t even know why I tried. You’re an arrogant prick. I knew it from the first time I met you. I should have stayed away. Should have realized what would happen. I never should have put myself on the line for you.”
“That was your choice.”
Micah swore. “And you wonder why I never take any risks. Why I don’t deviate from my plan. It’s because of you. It’s to protect me from men like you.”
She stormed away, stumbling to her car, eyes brimming with tears. She jerked the door open but didn’t look at me as she yelled. “Good luck with your damned barn. No one else is going to help you.”
I already knew that. And I’d accepted it.
Fuck the barn. And the farm. And the goddamned life I’d imagined and dreaded and guilted myself into creating.
What good was a farm without a family?
What sort of family could I have without her?
18
Micah
A strip of tape sealed the last of my belongings into a cardboard box.
Gretchen, sipping from the bottle of the wine I could no longer enjoy, watched from the couch. Ambrose rested at her feet, somehow managing to dislodge one of my favorite heels from a box I was pretty sure I’d already loaded into my car.
“That’s the last of it.” I made a face. “Thanks again for the…moral support.”
Gretchen raised her glass. “I don’t move friends, but I will certainly watch them move and give all the encouragement they require.”
“Fantastic.”
She shook the rest of the wine. The bottle was empty, but she peeked inside to be sure. “Did you know, blind roosters will crow at any time of the day, light or dark?”
“I…did not know that.”
“It’s true,” she said. “Hey, do you think the little old ladies on the fair committee would like to start another project?”
“I’m not even sure we found them all after the fair. For all I know, Alice is still wandering the fairgound.”
“Well, I need them to help with a project. I need sweaters.”
God help us all. “Sweaters?”
“Special Critters Animal Rehabilitation is closing,” she said. “Current residents in the county shelter include a handful of exotic animals with exotic ailments that the zoo won’t touch.”
This didn’t answer my question, but it also didn’t surprise me. “So…why sweaters?”
“For the alpaca.”
“The alpaca?”
“The alpaca with alopecia.” Gretchen tutted with a sigh. “Poor thing. Looks hideous. Always chilly. Hates everyone.” She finished her wine with a satisfied sigh. “Think she was bullied a bit.”
“I…”
“I’m gonna have to find another home for them though. The rooster does not like the cage. Keeps peck, peck, pecking at the metal…like he’ll eventually find a way out. Can’t see what he’s doing, but I’m thinking he’s echolocating every exit. I could really use a barn.”
I’d already sealed that part of my life into the boxes and threw away the one shirt Julian had forgotten under my bed. Just the word ached through me.
“I’m so tired of barns.” I kicked the heaviest box. No way I was moving the damn thing alone. I gave up. “I don’t want to talk barns.”
Gretchen hummed. “Well, you know what Julian Payne isn’t getting?”
“I’m guessing it’s a barn.”
“Did he really
tear up the application?”
Wasn’t the application he’d ripped in two. It was my heart.
Gretchen didn’t wait for me to answer. “Well, he’s not getting it now. Mayor Desmond already invited your dad to the offices today.”
“That didn’t take long.”
“You know he’s going to destroy this town,” she said.
Wouldn’t surprise me. “He’s done it before.”
“Jules has to fight this. He can’t sell the land. God only knows what will get built in its place.”
Homes that weren’t the quaint, country style house with the wraparound porch and sunflowers in the gardens. Sanctioned green spaces that would never grow a single flower, let alone any sort of fruit or vegetable nurtured through a man’s blood, sweat, tears. Parks for kids that wouldn’t be nearly as fun for a child as a wide-open pasture with a couple animals to chase.
Not that I’d dreamt of that.
Not that I’d secretly started imagining it.
Not that it was just the sort of home my child deserved—away from the bustle and artificiality of the city. A real farm. A real home. Surrounded by family.
With two parents, a man and a woman humble enough to admit their feelings.
But it wasn’t going to happen now. Not after Julian made it clear what he’d thought of my gift. I’d sacrificed my job, my life, my heart for him, and he’d torn it in two.
What I thought was a perfect declaration of my love was nothing more than scraps of paper he’d ground into the dirt.
Gretchen batted Ambrose away from my purse and handed the Louis Vuitton over with only a bit of drool and one puncture mark in the strap. “You okay?”
“Yeah.”
“I really am sorry about the job.”
So was I. “A good zoning officer doesn’t make a lot of friends.”
“But I think you did…” Her eyebrows wagged. “I could have sworn something was going on with you and Jules.”
“No.” The thought crushed me. “I mean…it’s complicated. Or it was. But it’s done now. Whatever we had.”
“And what did you have exactly?”
No sense hiding it now. “A baby.”
Gretchen rolled off the couch, smacking against the carpet with a thud. “A what?”
“I’m pregnant.”
“You’re…”
“It’s his.”
Gretchen shushed a barking Ambrose with a glance and retrieved the second bottle of wine I’d given her to take home.
“You are kidding.” She popped out the cork and took a swig directly from the bottle, offering me a hit before realizing. “You’re pregnant?”
“Yeah.”
“But…why…how?”
Exactly how I felt. “It was all a mistake.”
“That’s one hell of a mistake.”
“We were just…fooling around. Never meant for it to happen. We weren’t even…I wasn’t looking for a relationship.”
Gretchen laughed. “You got something a little more serious than a fling!” My friend bounced to the couch, giggling with glee. Her smile faded as she glanced over the apartment stacked with boxes. “So why are you leaving?”
Wasn’t it obvious? “Because…I got the job in Ironfield.”
The thought didn’t process between her pigtails. “But you’re having Julian Payne’s baby.”
Already a little town celebrity, and hardly out of the first trimester. Those were some good genes.
“It’s not like that,” I said. “We’re not together.”
“Why the hell not?” Gretchen stared at me in disbelief. “Are you crazy?”
Probably. Crazy to leave. Crazy to not take the chance. Crazy in love.
“It’s just…” Even I didn’t believe the words. “It wasn’t meant to be.”
Gretchen had a streak of sass in her that surfaced when she should have been supportive. Her hands settled on her hips. Might have looked intimidating if she wasn’t wearing her florescent green Geese Police uniform.
“You like this guy?” she asked.
Sometimes.
“We had a very…” My eyebrow arched. “Physical relationship.”
“So, what’s the problem?”
“The problem is that he’s the biggest pain in my ass,” I said. “He’s arrogant. Conceited. A bastard.”
Gretchen hummed. “He’s a pain in your ass who worked his ass off at the fair.”
“To get his barn.”
“Who bent over backwards to help you.”
“Because he thought I was incapacitated instead of pregnant.”
Her grin turned sly. “Who sexed you up on the regular.”
“Because we’d agreed it would just be sex.”
“And who, presumably, wanted to start a real relationship with you.”
I rubbed my tummy. “Only because of the baby.”
The wine bottle was almost chucked at my head. “You’re such an idiot.”
I frowned. “You know, you didn’t help me pack at all. The least you can do is limit the insults.”
“Na-uh. No way.” Gretchen shook her head. Ambrose, her permanent shadow, whined and covered his eyes. “You know what your problem is, Micah?”
I had a dozen at the moment, all vying for the opportunity to screw me over. And each complication began and ended with the man who’d invaded my womb, heart, and soul.
“My problem is that I let Julian Payne get too close,” I said.
“And why would that be a problem?”
“Because…he’s ruined everything! My life. My career. My…” I looked away. “I wasn’t supposed to fall for anyone yet. Wasn’t supposed to start my family now.”
“And why not?” she asked. “Just what is so terrible about finding the man of your dreams, settling down, and starting a life outside of a dead-end career in Butterpond?”
“Because it wasn’t time! You saw the plan, Gretchen. You remember the plan.”
She rolled her eyes. “I remember telling you the plan was insane.”
“But it was my plan. How to get from where I was to where I wanted to be. I know I wasn’t meant to be the zoning officer of Butterpond, but this job was going to get me somewhere better. All I needed to do was keep my head down, finish my work, meet the right people, say the right things, approve the right plans, network with the right organizations—”
“And then what?” Gretchen sat on the floor beside me. “What then? Once you had the great job and the nice salary and the right house, what’s left for you?”
I shrugged. “I’d fall in love with a man who wouldn’t make me want to strangle him. We’d start a life. A family.”
“But you can have that now.”
I stared at my fingers. “But it’s all wrong.”
“It’s not wrong. You are.” Gretchen took my hand. “You are so concerned with building a perfect life—a safe life—that you’ve lost sight of what’s important—yourself. Your own happiness. What you want, not what some self-determined, inconsequential rules scribbled down in a planner say. You can’t plan happiness, Micah. You have to make it.”
Happiness?
Wasn’t happiness a stable job? Wasn’t happiness savings in the bank that’d provide for me and my baby? Wasn’t happiness knowing day-in-and-day-out what would happen, where’d I go, and how I’d get there?
The dread settled in my stomach. That twisting, aching sense of confusion and disbelief. My head demanded action, but my heart refused to budge.
What would make me happy?
Really happy?
A healthy baby. A warm home.
A farm full of laughter and family.
Julian.
Happiness was another hour with Julian. Another day in his arms. A moment of forgiveness.
A life at his side.
A baby in his arms.
Three little words on his lips.
Tears prickled my eyes. I blinked them away. “There’s nothing I can do. I already took the job.”
Gretchen sighed. “Is the job really that important?”
“Yes,” I answered reflexively, but my heart thudded hard. “No.”
“What about Julian?”
“I don’t know.”
“Do you want him?”
More than anything. “It’s not about me and him anymore. There’s a baby involved.”
Gretchen squeezed my hand. “I know you want to take care of that little baby, but you have to take care of your heart too. What does it want?”
I didn’t trust my heart—the greedy, terrible thing. Not now. Not when it beat a little faster thinking of Julian, and not now that it beat for the little life growing inside me.
My heart wanted everything.
The baby. The man. The family.
The farm.
My phone buzzed inside my purse. For a quick, futile moment, I lurched forward, hoping to see Julian’s name on the ID.
The excitement turned to nausea. The name that’d flashed was the only other force in the world besides morning sickness that would twist my guts.
Dad.
I answered with a grunt. “Yes?”
Dad ignored the hostility, but he always did when he needed a favor. “Micah, sweetheart. I just heard the news about your job. I am so sorry.”
I found that unlikely. “You sat in on the meeting where Mayor Desmond threatened to fire me. Don’t act surprised that I picked Julian Payne over you.”
He snickered. “Of course, you did. And it ruined your career, but we knew that was going to happen. Now you’re free to pursue other opportunities. You can thank me for what I’m going to do for you.”
Jesus. “What?”
“I’m going to pay you ten—no, twenty—percent more than you were making at the municipal offices.”
“Are you kidding me?”
“I’ll need someone who knows the area and the particularities of the town’s zoning law when we start the new development.”
Acid burned my throat, but the rage banished it to my stomach. “You don’t really expect me to work for you.”
“It’ll be a better job than you realize. Think of all the exciting projects! Homes and offices and shops and apartments. It’s a dream come true for you, Micah.”