Toki’s blank stare and wandering eyes gave no answer. Unable to gauge her feelings, I was at a loss. Did she feel that since there wasn’t any hope anyway, she’d avoid troubling her son’s family and just stay out of the way? Or was she unable to show her feelings to a young son and daughter-in-law who had left the island and abandoned her? Regardless, I had to find out whether she had even seen a doctor. Conceivably, she had come up with this reckless treatment only on the basis of her own speculations about her illness. This was something I needed to find out.
“When did you first get sick? And when did you start drinking? Have you seen a doctor? Please tell me the truth. If you don’t, I won’t know what to think.” My inquisitive tone of voice put her on the spot, and her gaze began to flit across my face.
“I’ve caused you a lot of trouble, Takako. Coming here’s been a real disaster, hasn’t it?” She was avoiding my questions, but I had to find out the truth.
“No, that’s not what I’m saying. You need to get treatment at a good hospital. And we have to discuss the situation with Hideo.”
In the excitement of raising my voice, I gave her hand a tight squeeze. But she didn’t squeeze back; she just stared at me with a troubled look. I could tell that my cross-examination was causing her distress. But when she noticed that I was unable to continue, she relaxed and looked me in the face.
“Takako … do what you think is best. I’m sure you know I’m about to die. I’ve got half a year at most. Maybe only two or three months.”
“How … how can you know such a thing? Nobody knows when they’re going to die.…”
“I saw a doctor. Two months ago. I stopped off at the city hospital when I went to see Hideo and his family.” The inflammation gone, her wide-open eyes were crystal clear. She exhaled slightly and continued, “I told the doctor about my sudden loss of appetite, the occasional chest pains, how I’m easily tired, and about the slight fever. I even had all kinds of tests done. He wouldn’t tell me the name of my illness at first. But I already knew. I didn’t want to be hospitalized if I could avoid it. I wanted to spend what little time I had left here on the island. So I just left and came home.”
As if recollecting the experience brought back the pain, Toki gasped for breath. When she inhaled, I heard the sound of phlegm caught in her throat. She twisted sideways, reached out over her pillow, grabbed a handful of tissues, and then tried to clear her throat. She spit up some bloody phlegm, and the smell hung in the air. Toki didn’t necessarily have an accurate picture of her condition, but her explanation left little room for doubt. I could only wipe the dripping sweat from her brow and brush the graying hair from her face.
“Thank you, Takako. I didn’t want to inconvenience anyone, if I could help it. But I guess it’s not so easy to die completely alone.” Her eyes, glancing toward the heavens, filled with tears, and she cast me a hesitant look. “To tell the truth, Takako … I was so happy when you called the other day and said you’d be visiting. I knew I’d be an inconvenience, but I was still happy.…”
Her kind words embraced me, and I unconsciously leaned toward her.
“People who have to live on an island are always waiting for someone to visit. They’re as passionate about waiting as they are about the annual rituals and festivals. Things haven’t changed a bit from the old days.” She seemed so composed that I started to forget about her condition.
“You’ve become a real islander, haven’t you?” I said. But she slowly shook her head, and her expression turned grave.
“No, that’s not quite right, Takako. I feel much more strongly the other way. Even after living here for forty years, I just can’t feel that I’m part of the island. Deep down, I haven’t been able to believe in the rituals at all.”
She spoke with conviction. I wasn’t surprised. A decade earlier, when I became enraptured with her standard Japanese ringing out from the Ufudā valley, I had the impression that I had heard her true feelings. Then I recalled the plump, white face, which so sharply contrasted to the one before me now.
“But even though I can’t bring myself to believe, I participate every year because that’s what people on the island do. I’m just going through the motions, Takako.”
As long as you live here, you have to maintain appearances and face the consequences of that necessity. Is that what Toki was trying to say? Having lived for forty years on this small southern island to which fate had flung her, Toki was perhaps now facing the end. What she, who had nowhere to run, could not escape was the very thing from which I myself had been running.
Toki sighed several times and then drifted off to sleep. I could hear and feel her rhythmical breathing against me.
As I agonized over what to do next, the clock struck midnight. I decided to call Hideo. Regardless of Toki’s innermost wishes, I couldn’t be the one to decide her fate. I paged through the notepad next to the phone and found Hideo’s name written neatly in a black script perfectly reflecting Toki’s personality. Hideo Ōmichi—Blue Chateau Mansions, Apt. 405. I dialed the number, and the phone rang insistently until the annoyed voice of a man aroused from sleep answered.
“Ōmichi residence.”
It was Hideo. For a moment, I was taken aback, but I spit out the words I had memorized to avoid revealing my emotions.
“Oh, it’s you? Why are you doing this?”
After his initial surprise, he continued in a disarmed tone of voice that suggested he didn’t know what was going on with his mother. Getting a phone call in the middle of the night from an old girlfriend he had tried hard to forget informing him of his mother’s critical condition was probably the last thing he had expected. Hideo’s shock soon became obvious. He muttered in frustration at my explanation, but he also seemed to be piecing everything together. When the truth about his mother finally sunk in, he became uncommunicative. Finally, he gloomily murmured, “Yeah, okay … I guess it’s true.” I had nothing more to say. The receiver began to weigh heavily in my hand. Picturing his family there with him, I tried to end the conversation.
“Wait! Don’t hang up. I want to ask you something. Why the heck are you there? My mother called you, didn’t she? Why else would you be there this time of year?”
He was trying to dredge up the past, and I couldn’t come up with a good reply.
“I didn’t mean to be rude,” Hideo said, softening his tone. “I just want to apologize.”
Was he apologizing on behalf of his mother for any inconvenience she may have caused? Or was he referring to our breakup eight years before? But surely I was the one who needed to apologize for that. I wanted to know the hidden meaning of his words, but I didn’t know how to broach the subject. Nevertheless, I needed to clear up his misunderstanding about why I had come to the island.
“She didn’t ask me to come. I came for my own reasons. I assure you, I only found out about her condition after I got here.” The heavy sigh that poured from the receiver meant he didn’t believe me, but I had no further explanation to offer.
“Even so, we’ve really caused you a lot of trouble.”
“It’s no trouble at all. As usual, I’m only a useless bystander, just as I was then. That’s why I called—because I don’t know what to do.”
“I appreciate your calling.… And I’m afraid to ask after all the trouble we’ve put you through.… Of course, I’ll be there as soon as I can, but could you look after her a little bit longer, just until I get there? I know it’s asking a lot, but would you mind?”
Having come to the island on a whim, I felt as if Hideo’s direct request finally provided me a reason for being here. I was ecstatic.
“Of course, I’ll take care of her! I mean, if you’d let me. I quit my job, and I don’t have anything to do. That’s why I came here, you know. To see your mother.” I don’t know how I sounded to Hideo, but he heaved another sigh.
“I think I finally understand you,” he said, as if talking to himself. “You’ve only been interested in my mother. I don’t th
ink you were ever really interested in living on the island with me.”
Hearing this, I was again made aware that what he said was true. Back then, I was never struck with any sense of immediacy about marrying Hideo and becoming part of his family. My only hope was to forever bask in Toki’s aura of joyfulness, which enveloped the people around her.
“I guess you and my mother are a lot alike.”
I was taken aback by the resignation in Hideo’s fainthearted voice. A picture of him biting his lip flashed into my mind. Toki’s stubborn determination to protect the line separating herself from others, to the extent of hiding her illness from her only son, wounded him deeply. Was he saying that this resembled my pushing away a boyfriend at the last minute even after being with him for three years? I could almost picture his quirky way of swaying as he tried to brush off his feeling of being rejected by his mother, who surely was one of the closest people in his life.
“Well, I’m awfully sorry, but please look after her a bit longer.…” His voice trailed away, and the line went dead—before I even had a chance to reply.
The following afternoon, Hideo called to let me know that he’d be arriving that evening with a young doctor he knew. When I informed Toki, she gazed at me with a look of resignation. Perhaps I had betrayed her trust, but I couldn’t stand by and watch her fade away. Thankfully, she showed no signs of resentment. She had probably decided that having entrusted herself to my care, she was in no position to object. Apparently, she had already given herself over to some higher power.
It occurred to me that Toki was probably dirty from all the sweating during the intense activity of the night before, and since she didn’t seem to have a fever, I urged her to take a bath. When I offered to help, a slight smile formed on her lips.
The bathhouse was a box-shaped room attached to the corner of the main building, protruding into the backyard and separated from the back room by a wooden sliding door. I turned on the gas valve of the hot-water heater, and while we waited for the tub to fill, I laid out a change of clothes and had Toki undress. Her body was shockingly thin and shriveled. She stood before me fully naked, the skin hanging from her shoulders, elbows, and knees. I was afraid even to venture a guess at her weight.
Her body had so little fleshiness that purple veins were visible under the white skin of her stomach, lower abdomen, and fist-sized breasts, which were shapely for a woman her age. The skin of her back hung from her shoulder blades but still had some of its transparent glossiness. Her small but well-proportioned body seemed to bemoan its unceasing deterioration. I poured water over her back and gingerly pressed the washcloth against her body, which felt as if it might crumble under the force of my hands.
“My body’s slowly melting away, and I feel like I’m losing myself.” She kept her voice to a whisper, but the words echoed in the wooden bathhouse.
I couldn’t understand what she meant. Yet I had the impression that her feelings were flowing into me through my hands on her back. I kept scooping water from the tub and pouring it over her. As I did so, the feeble life energy oozing from her body hung faintly in the air. Toki closed her eyes as if to become one with the flowing water. As it streamed down her body, she arched her back and looked up to the ceiling.
When the bath was finished, Toki lay down in bed. Apparently, she planned to wait quietly like this for Hideo and the doctor, who would be arriving in a couple of hours. After preparing everything necessary for their arrival, I decided I’d cook something to revive Toki’s spirits and headed out to the market.
As I passed through the gate, I spotted Morio and a stocky elderly couple that looked like his parents rushing toward me. No doubt, they had just heard from Hideo and were coming to pay Toki a sympathy call. As soon as they ran into me, Morio’s mother began bombarding me with questions. I told her everything she wanted to know about Toki’s condition. As we were talking, I had the feeling that I had met them before, but the memory remained hazy.
Morio’s mother, too surprised to express her suspicion of me, punctuated my explanation with words of discomposure. “Oh, my!” “We didn’t know!” “She never tells us anything!” “How horrible!” “Toki’s so cold!” I figured a bit of a commotion was unavoidable at this point, but Morio’s parents, who must have been close to Toki, were acting as if it couldn’t be determined whether their ignorance was Toki’s fault or their own. If they went to see Toki, who was now resting quietly, in their current state of mind, they’d only upset her. With this thought in mind, I asked them to wait until Hideo arrived. The second the words were out of my mouth, Morio’s mother’s eyes narrowed in anger.
“Who the hell do you think you are? You’re completely and totally unrelated to the Ōmichi family. We’re relatives. Where do you get off ordering us around? You dumped the Ōmichi family long ago. You obviously don’t know your place to be acting like such a big shot.”
I shrank back in shock. The father glared at me with a look that indicated his agreement with the mother. I burned under their hard, withering stares like a stone under the scorching-hot sun. As I cringed, Morio cast me a glance of sympathy, but the callous vitriol of his parents hung over me. Once again made aware of my position, I felt ashamed of my careless intrusion. I realized that this was the accusation I had been dreading.
Morio’s mother, apparently sensing that she had gone too far, didn’t say another word. She cast me a sideways glance and rushed off toward the Ōmichi house. The speechless father, looking confused about what to do next, scurried after her. Morio, in a show of support, stayed with me as I stood there in stupefied amazement.
“But if you hadn’t come here, Aunt Toki would’ve had it even worse.”
Without answering, I turned my back to him and started to walk away. A second later, I heard him mutter, “Yeah, you really are weird.”
I circled around the village to avoid meeting anyone and headed for a beach to the north. The sun hung low in the sky, but the seashore was still bright. Hideo would arrive before sunset. Since he was bringing a doctor, Toki would surely be taken to the city immediately. What would become of her? She certainly didn’t want to spend her final days confined to some hospital. Nevertheless, now that I was turning her over to Hideo, the decision was out of my hands. The thicket where I had argued with Hideo was unchanged from eight years before. If I headed straight to the west, I’d end up at the beach closest to O. Island. I felt an overwhelming compulsion to go there.
Before long, I was facing O. Island’s eastern cape. The island, with an area and elevation many times larger than this one, stood out conspicuously. Stirred up by the gusty evening winds, choppy waves spread across the broad expanse of ocean. As I gazed out to sea, I detected a nearly imperceptible shadow that began to move across the water’s surface. The creeping darkness seemed to be oozing from O. Island’s very depths. I closed my eyes and slowly raised my hands to my chest. Fluttering black particles spread across the back of my eyelids. As I stood still, the dispersed particles gradually became more concentrated and then congealed into a wall that surrounded me.
I felt the surging wind against my skin. The evening gusts, which announced the end of the long southern summer, had found the perfect time to begin blowing. I looked out over the sea, which made me feel tranquil in spite of the turbulent waves on the surface, and noticed large swells forming in the offing. One swell and then another swept over the smaller waves. When had I last seen the surging sea from so close? Feelings of nostalgia pulled me closer to the shoreline.
When I had lived on O. Island, I had sometimes gone clamming on the reef that extended far from shore at low tide. The moment the sunken reef emerged, I’d rush out into the sea together with the adults. As I wandered around the reef observing the miraculous world of organisms on the rocks, I soon forgot about digging for clams. Enchanted by the normally invisible ocean world, I always headed out to the very edge of the reef. From there, this nearby island stood out right before my eyes.
Now, the sun was
growing dim, causing the water to lose its blue tint among the white tips of rippling waves. A lone passenger boat passed through the strait, which both joined and separated the two islands. Though the boat cut through the waves, it seemed to lurch backward at each trough. Rising up and then sinking low, it trudged along. Soon the forlorn shape faded into the darkness and then disappeared behind O. Island’s cape.
Suddenly, I heard Toki’s voice as if from above. “No matter how long I live here, I just can’t feel that the island will allow me to be a part of it.” Perhaps my reluctance to head over to O. Island had been due to my unconscious belief that the island and I were one. The island dialect. The undulating waves. The salty smell of the ocean. The sounds of the sanshin, gong, and flute. The scorching sunlight. The limitless sky. I could sense my true identity lurking behind the oppressive gloom. I felt my grandmother’s hard gaze at me from the far side of the island.
It was the time of day when darkness begins to swallow up the final remnants of light. Hideo would be arriving soon. If I didn’t head back right away, I’d probably arrive at the Ōmichi house after he did. As I quickened my steps through the sand, a whirring mechanical sound from overhead cleaved the gathering darkness. I looked up and saw a helicopter swooping down between the two old villages like a huge, black bird. At first, I thought the black fuselage might be that of the Japanese Self-Defense Forces, but then I realized that Hideo had called for an emergency evacuation helicopter.
Having assumed that he’d be arriving by sea, I was caught completely off guard by his airborne arrival. Made aware of the gravity of the situation, I took off in a panic, only to trip over my own feet, which sank in the sand. I couldn’t move as quickly as I wanted. How careless of me! Hadn’t Hideo asked me to look after his mother until he arrived? And then to abdicate that responsibility and spend my time wandering around the beach! I had also completely forgotten to do the shopping for receiving our guests. No doubt, I could expect a rebuke from Morio’s parents for being so irresponsible.
Islands of Protest Page 18