by Faith Starr
A disappointing thought came to mind. This night was it for us at the ranch. It had been an incredible week, but I knew things would be drastically different when we left. We wouldn’t be safe inside our tiny cocoon any longer. I didn’t want paparazzi making any negative comments about her. And I knew all too well my insane life would be one hell of a culture shock for her, especially if and when the media got hold of this. They loved portraying me as a manwhore, with make-believe stories to go along with the pictures of me and the unknown women they posted. I’d never cared, until now, wanting no bullshit printed or broadcasted about Drew.
Wait until Joey and Trevor found out about Drew. They were going to flip out when they heard the two of us had spent the week together. They hadn’t seen me go gaga over a woman since she and I had been together. No other woman had been capable of capturing my heart. And the reason for that—Drew owned it. And yet here I lay, twirling her hair around my finger, my mind going in a million different directions about how she and I could make the rebuilding of our relationship work, especially when she still lacked trust in me.
After tossing and turning and losing patience with my body’s disinterest in sleep, I quietly slithered out of the bed, tiptoed across the creaky floor, and shut the door behind me. I didn’t want to wake her.
My guitar sat waiting for me in the den; playing it the only thing I knew of which would help stop the whirlwind of thoughts spinning out of control in my head.
Closing my eyes, tapping my foot, and bobbing my knee to the rhythm better enabled me to lose myself to the music, melting into its glorious sound. I played and played, my body unwinding, my mind finally clearing.
“Logan.”
Drew stood in front of me, snapping me out of my trance. I set the guitar down, leaning it against the wall. I took hold of her hand and she sat on my lap.
“Sorry if I woke you.”
“It’s okay. You couldn’t sleep?” Her eyes showed concern.
“No.” I had nothing more to add to the subject.
“I hope it wasn’t anything I did.”
I wouldn’t tell her otherwise. The fucking emotions seizing control of all rational thought in my head scared the living shit out of me. And I knew I couldn’t run from them. Not this time. It would hurt too much. I had been there and done that once before. It sucked ass. I didn’t want or wish for a repeat.
“No, baby. I’m only sorry I woke you.”
“What were you playing? It sounded pretty.” She shifted, now sitting angled on my lap, and rested her head on my shoulder. I wrapped my arm around her with our fingers entwined.
“It’s the same song you heard the other day. I’m still playing around with the chord structure.”
“I always did love to hear you play.”
The compliment coming out of her mouth did weird shit inside me, my chest area feeling warm and fuzzy as a result.
Warm and fuzzy?
Christ. Call me royally fucked.
My crazy thoughts came back with a vengeance. So much for my reprieve from their torment.
“What’s bothering you?” She lifted her head and gazed into my eyes. I didn’t get how she could so easily sense when something was wrong with me. I usually did a pretty good job of hiding my shit.
“I’ve been thinking about the tour.” My statement did speak the truth, but I left out my main worry, us parting again. I didn’t want us to.
“What about it?” She showed sincerity and interest.
“Soon I’ll be on the road again.” The awareness I’d have to leave her a sad reality.
I tried to read her thoughts, all the while praying she couldn’t read mine and see how fucked up they were.
“Aren’t you used to being on the road?”
Whew. I felt somewhat relieved her psychic abilities had taken a nap. She clearly hadn’t picked up on my dilemma.
“Yeah.”
“I don’t get it. What’s the problem, then?”
“It’s nothing. My mind goes off on tangents every now and again.”
She flashed me a get-real expression. “Come on. I know you better than you think I do. Tell me what’s really bothering you.” Our thumbs rolled over each other, our hands still clasped together.
We had only been together in this place for a few days. I couldn’t spring the heaviness of my thoughts on her. I mean, shit, she didn’t even trust me enough to have sex with her yet. And part of me didn’t trust myself not to screw her over again.
“I don’t know.” Talk about trust. I had already broken my agreement about being honest and open with her. “I’m also thinking about the video shoot we have scheduled in New York next weekend.”
“And?”
Edginess filled me. Maybe it was because she didn’t show any signs of regret or remorse about us having to part once I hit the road again while I kept trying to figure out the many different scenarios to keep us together.
Up and down my emotions went, like a yo-yo. I knew I wanted to be with Drew more than anything. What I didn’t know—whether or not I could give her what she deserved, a steady relationship. I had never been committed to anything or anyone other than the guys in the band since gaining fame and constantly being on the road. In many ways, I preferred it, the freedom it gave me to do as I pleased. But in other ways, it sucked. I felt torn. Here I had another shot with Drew but unfortunately, the timing presented a huge challenge.
“And nothing,” I shrugged.
Drew released my hand and climbed off my lap. She stood in front of me. “Why won’t you talk to me? You keep telling me to trust you. How do you expect me to do that if you won’t open up to me?”
Matching her upright stance, I took it up a notch and paced nervously in front of her, swiping my hand through my messy hair. “Do you want to know what I’m really thinking about it?”
She sighed. “Hello? I’ve only been asking you that question repeatedly for the last several minutes.”
“I’m thinking about how things are going to change between us when we leave this place tomorrow.” I continued to walk back and forth in front of her.
She pouted and focused on the floor, clasping her hands together in front of her.
Maybe I had been wrong. Maybe she too had fears and doubts about our future together.
“I’m thinking about it too, a lot in fact. But I’m trying not to get ahead of myself. Trying to stay in the moment, you know?” Her tone became softer.
“I do know, but the clock is ticking, and that time is coming sooner rather than later.”
“You did say you have a few days before you shoot the video in New York. That means we’ll at least be able to spend some time together, right?”
“And then what?” I put my hand out in question, staring at her as if she had all the answers.
“I don’t know. I guess we’ll have to figure it out. I don’t expect you to change your lifestyle for me. I’m trying to be a realist. You’re in a famous band touring the country. You admit to hooking up with strange women after your shows. I can’t compete with that, especially when I’m at home and you have temptation knocking at your door every night.”
She always reverted to the same old shit about mistrusting me when it came to me being with other women. I got the feeling she’d never be able to move past the mistake I’d made all those years ago.
“Do you really think I’d screw around if the two of us were in a committed relationship?”
“What’re you even talking about? We’ve been together for what, two or three days. Don’t you think you’re jumping the gun by talking about the two of us being in a relationship again?” Her growing frustration became apparent in her tone. Smoke would’ve been blowing out of her ears if it could have, her cheeks red to match the emotions I sensed from her.
“Why does speaking about this make you so upset?”
“As much as I want to, I don’t think I can allow myself to go down that road with you again. Your life consists of traveling for weeks on
end with women throwing themselves at you constantly.” She closed her eyes and breathed hard. “I…I just can’t do it, Logan.” A tear slid down her cheek.
I stepped toward her, a foot of distance between us, and wiped it off. “If I could turn back time, I would. But I can’t. Let my actions now speak for the present. We’ll never be able to move forward if you don’t let go of what happened.”
She gazed up at me. “How can I let it go? You broke my heart.” More tears trailed down her cheeks.
My level of frustration rose to match hers. “Don’t you think I know that? I live with that guilt every fucking day. Give me the chance to mend it. Please.”
She threw herself into my arms, her tears wetting my T-shirt, holding me for several minutes, the two of us seeking the other for comfort.
She gently pulled back. “Please sit on the couch.” She wiped her wet cheeks, drying the backs of her hands on her boxers.
I didn’t get why she wanted me to sit. I remained standing.
“Please… Sit down, Logan.”
Fine. I did as instructed, figuring I’d find out soon enough.
She padded over to the wall and picked up my guitar, sitting in the chair I’d abandoned earlier.
Did she intend to play me one of her songs?
Yes! I remained quiet, not wanting her to change her mind.
She stared at the thing, strumming a few chords. I watched in silence, smiling in appreciation, astounded by her brilliance. I’m certain my inner pride and admiration for her was on full display.
Unbelievable. She had learned how to play the guitar on fucking YouTube, of all places. And she played well. Not in my league, of course. I mean, I played professionally, but still. She did great for someone who did it as a hobby.
She began to sing.
An internal walk
that led nowhere good
Eyes wide open
from where I stood
Is it something I did?
Is it something I said?
Her brow creased as she posed the questions, her voice blowing my mind. I never realized she could sing so beautifully; the melody phenomenal too. Her country ballad kicked ass.
A heart full of love
Now forever broken instead
Tears cascaded down her cheeks, causing me to withhold my own.
Shadows of you
are all that remain
If only the real you
could take away all my pain
Vulnerability filled her. In how she swallowed hard, and in how her knee bobbed up and down as her foot rocked against the wooden floor. In the breaths she took between verses and in the softness of her tone.
Her lyrics ripped me to shreds, every word a reminder of how I’d hurt her. I would prove to her I could remove or, at best, lessen her pain.
Did you mean what you said?
Did you say what you meant?
Why bother to ask
She shrugged.
I came, I saw, I went
Find your truth
I now know mine
We were too young for a love like ours
to stand the test of time
Untrue. I shook my head because she was wrong. She shifted her gaze away from me.
Moving on
the hardest thing so far to do
Moving forward
my hope is that you did too
The realization of the century suddenly hit me. I hadn’t moved on, and now I knew she hadn’t either. If she had, she wouldn’t be in my cabin right now singing this heartbreaking song to me. She would’ve taken flight the first night I approached her at the ranch. But she didn’t. She had spent every waking moment with me.
Shadows of you
are all that remain
If only the real you
could erase all my pain
Shadows of you
are all around me
I’m still trapped in your heart
please set me free
This woman was trapped inside my heart and forever would be.
Buried, I can’t seem to find my way out
Buried, from a cheatin’ heart no doubt
I’m still buried, buried, still buried
Shadows of you
are all that remain
If only the real you
could erase all my pain
Tears streamed down her cheeks at a continuous rate as the last strummed notes came to an end. She carefully set the guitar down and leaned it against the wall, where she’d found it.
My emotions had me so choked up I could barely swallow. I breathed deeply, unsure of what to say. So I acted instead. I took her in my arms and comforted her. Maybe I didn’t have the right words to speak, and maybe I couldn’t undo the past, but I had faith she would give me a chance to right my wrongs.
She had to.
She just had to.
20
Drew
Being this close to him was unearthly. I cherished his strong arms embracing me, his head resting on top of mine while he caressed my back.
“Thank you for sharing your beautiful song with me.”
His comment had me tilting my head up, so I could see his face, his eyes watery, his touch filled with emotion.
My own thoughts and feelings bubbled to the surface. I blinked away my tears. He wiped them for me.
“I’m so sorry I hurt you. Let me make things right between us. Please.” His desperation was evident.
Even though I wasn’t sure he could follow through with what he suggested, I nodded in agreement. Our lives were different now.
The rational part of me argued against the two of us being together, reiterating all the negative outcomes that could possibly come into play. And deep inside, I knew I’d always carry a tiny bit of mistrust for him, especially knowing if we did agree to any sort of a commitment, we’d be apart for weeks or months on end and he’d have women fawning all over him.
The emotional part of me thought differently. It wanted me to believe he and I could be together. That I couldn’t pass up on an opportunity for us to do so, especially one that had come out of the blue, totally unexpected. Fate must’ve had a hand in it because things didn’t work out this perfectly unless they were meant to be.
Weeks, months, or years with him weren’t required for me to know the man had been and would always be my forever one and only. I had spent years of my life with him and these past few days only confirmed what my heart already knew.
He tipped my chin up so he could plant a delicate kiss on my lips. One with so much warmth it caught me off guard, causing my breath to hitch and my legs to become weak.
I sensed his hesitancy to move further, so I wrapped my arms around his neck and encouraged him to kiss me again.
Our lips parted, and our tongues met in an unhurried manner. Heartfelt and tender.
As his tongue swirled around mine, my thoughts drifted off to the song I’d played on repeat after our breakup—an old seventies song sung by David Soul, “Don’t Give Up On Us.” If my mother hadn’t been so obsessed with that decade’s soft rock hits, I probably would’ve never heard it. That ballad mimicked my thoughts. I would never give up on Logan. As much as I thought I had, I now realized I hadn’t.
I lost myself in his arms, in his breath, in him.
He waited for me to make the first move. I knew he didn’t want to pressure me. I also knew tonight would be the night. I wanted more, craving to feel that connection between us again.
“Make love to me, Logan.” I didn’t know how else to let him know the time had come, the mood ripe for the taking.
“Are you sure? We don’t have to rush things.”
We kind of did. We had tonight. The following day, everything would change. I wanted my special moment with him with no distractions.
“I’m positive.”
He didn’t jump up and down with joy. He didn’t lift me up and rush us to the bedroom. Instead, he kissed me, his respect and utmost care for my well
-being only confirming my decision to take the next step with him.
I broke the kiss, held his hand tightly in mine, and led him to the bedroom where I sat on the edge of the bed. I knew this wasn’t the real Logan. He had always been the dominant and confident type in the bedroom, probably more so now with all the experience he claimed to have. Yet he let me set the pace.
He leaned down and placed his hands on my cheeks. My heart raced, my palms got sweaty in anticipation. I knew one of the most memorable chapters of my life lay right in front of me.
The sparkle in his blue eyes staring into mine, his face mere inches above mine, had such extremeness to it for some strange reason. I couldn’t tear my gaze from them.
He brought his lips to mine, the sensitivity in them exhilarating, years of pent-up feelings ready to be released.
Logan gently guided me until I was lying flat on the mattress. His masculine scent drove me to insanity, and better yet, his choice of cologne combined with it drove my sex meter up and off the charts.
His body rested over mine. He leaned on his forearms, both of us regarding the other.
I wrapped my legs securely around his waist.
He kissed my cheek.
My neck.
“You’re beautiful. You always were. You always will be, especially to me.”
“As are you.” I skimmed the back of my hand over his stubbly jawline.
He kissed me again, his tongue tracing my bottom lip, entering my mouth. Mmm, he tasted decadent. I couldn’t get enough of him.
I got shivers when he skimmed his hand down to the bottom of my T-shirt and fisted it. He pulled it over my head agonizingly slow. I raised my arms to assist him in getting it off.