So instead of negotiating the end of engagement, Papa and my two brothers went to Huangs to express their condolences. As a custom, Niang and I stayed home.
“Niang,” I say to my Niang after I helped her put away all the prepared dowries to large chests. “You’d better give them away. I will not need them ever.” I don’t see any possibility of me getting married in this world. The understandings of love and marriages are quite different.
By now, everyone in my family knew the real meaning of my going to Imperial University. It has been difficult for my parents to swallow.
“You will have to get married.” Papa said to me. “Otherwise who will take care of you later in your life?”
But Jinu and Ponu were fine with this.
“Shiaonu, I will take care of you.” Jinu said to me when just five of us at dinner table. “No matter what others say about you. I am always your brother.”
Ponu, who has become more silent since the war, also agreed. “You have me too. I will shut them up if they dare to hurt you.”
“Thank you, brothers.” I say to them both. “I knew my action would cause a lot of grief for you, but I had to do it. I am not an obedient daughter or sister. But I do want the best for our family since you are all I have in this world.”
Running away from them is a choice I had to make for their own good. It’s not that I do not trust them, but I do not wish to put them under the scrutiny of the marriage law. I do love them, not just because they are my family, but also they love me dearly.
Without the worry of being forced into marriage any more, I started focusing on how to position my family into a better future, especially for Jinu and Ponu.
While my family is doing very well with all our businesses, especially the Baijiu business, the war with Xiongnu has exhausted the national treasury. Huo mentioned to me once that Emperor Wu has been losing sleep over the financial problems in Han. Desperate for money, Emperor Wu has announced a series of new policies, such as substitute jail times with financial fine for minor criminals, and the establishment of donation based official titles. His court has also started the discussion on possible nationalization of certain industries, such as salt, iron and wine.
So I have suggested to my family to get an official title for Jinu through donation. It will help Jinu’s identity to be official instead of business man. And since it is a title without real post, Jinu can continue manage our business, especially liquor business and the development of new stores in other cities.
I also volunteered to help on the accounting of our businesses. It has been a pain for Jinu and Papa. They could only rely on hired hands to manage our books. I used to shy away from our businesses. But seeing them struggling, I decided to solve the problem once for all by teaching store bookkeepers on how to record our accounting in new ways.
The third thing I suggested is to teach my brothers how to read and write.
“If Jinu and Ponu agrees, I will teach you how to read and write. Based on my own learning from my tutor, I have learned a few tips in how to speed the learning. I believe within a year, you two will have no problem in basic reading and writing. After that, you two can decide what you want to focus on. Maybe Military strategy for Ponu? Or business management for Jinu? “
I believe in my brothers. I see how they become more and more confidence every day.
“Education breeds confidence. Confidence breeds hope. Hope breeds peace.” I remember a picture frame with the above quotation from Confucian on my Niang’s desk.
My brothers were hesitated at first when they heard about the learning, especially Jinu, who thought he was too old to learn. I took out a bamboo stick with phonetic letters and started teach them. Then I marked phonetic sound on a bamboo stick with Chinese Characters. When they realized they could read the Chinese Characters by Phonetic letters, they began to believe that it is possible to learn at their age.
“Nobody is ever too old to learn.” I said to my brothers.
“When you prepare the material for them, “Papa said in a very shy voice. “Make one for me too.”
“Shiaonu,” Seeing me drifting away, Niang gets my attention back. “Just go back to sleep. You look tired.”
I am really exhausted since I have been preparing the text books for my brothers and Papa. I have also started on making templates for accounting books. My goal is to train bookkeepers from every store to record their daily expenses and sales in two different columns, with summary information for each day and each month. In this way not only it can help me see books clearly, it will also help me see the store performance, even the performance comparison month to month, year to year and store to store.
“All right. I am going back to my room.” I wave to my Niang and walk back to my own quarter.
I have switched rooms with Ponu after King Huainan sent me his collection in bamboo scrolls. My room was too small to store all of them, so I switched with Ponu who only sleeps at home once every ten days when he is off duty. In Han, people get one day off every ten days.
Even with larger space, my room is still crowded with all the bamboo scrolls and my own experimenting stuff. The two servant maids Jinu hired for me are still with us, but they are no longer following me wherever I go. They have prepared the warm water for me for shower, which is something they do every night before they go back to their own rooms.
In the shower, I find my menstrual cycle again. Just as he has promised, within a month not only has Huo found a solution for my problem, but also has officially set me for free.
I get a towel, dry myself carefully and put on menstrual belt.
After blow out the oil lamp, I fall in sleep quickly in darkness.
The ruffling sound is the first thing I notice. But I am too sleepy to worry about it, so with my eyes closed, I stretch myself, yawn, turn to other side and continue sleep.
It comes again a few minutes later. I frown, still don’t want to open my eyes.
Then something gently touched my nose tip. I pull myself back a little, stretch one more time and yawn again. I wrap myself tighter in my blanket and continue on with my sleep.
When the touch on my face, as gentle as butterfly, wake me again, I know I have to get up and check. But my yawn keeps coming before I can sit up in my bed.
But this time, as soon as I open my mouth, a warm tongue sneaks into my mouth while two strong arms scoop me up.
I open my eyes instantly while holding my breath. In fact, I am unable to breathe. I am locked by a hard body and a pair of tightened arms. My lips are also locked by another pair of lips while my tongue is chased by another.
I push the body away as hard as I can while try to scream and resist the persisted tongue.
“Hm….” It comes out as a muffled sound.
My kicking doesn’t get anywhere either. They have both been locked within another pair of much stronger, longer and muscular legs.
“Hm….” I continue screaming, pushing and kicking.
But nothing makes any difference, not even slowing him down a bit.
By now, I have already known and pretty sure it is a man on top of me. My tears come out while back in my mind I keep asking myself: Is this it? Is this how it will be for my first time?
He continues on top of me, locks me in his arms and his legs and kisses me hard.
The fear and horror exhausts me sooner than I’d like to admit. I give up struggling, just my tears uncontrollably flow.
Maybe because of my giving up, he loosens up the grips and slows down on his tongue as well, but he doesn’t stop completely until he sucks on my lowers lips complete in his mouth, savoring and then finally let it go.
He raises his head up away from me a few inches, with his hot breath still on my face.
“Have I told you do not run away unless you tell me first?” I recognize Zhao Yan’s voice, stern, but it sure is his voice.
I am too shattered to say anything.
“Have I?” His voice raises up and becomes sterner.
I cannot see his face. It is dark everywhere. But I can tell he is furious.
Hearing no answer, he suddenly lowers down his head and bite into my neck. The pain roars through me and forces a groan out of my throat.
He stops biting but stays close to my neck. “Answer me.”
“Ye…..Yes.” I can hardly make the sound.
“Then why did you still run away?” He asks while giving a loud smacking on the bed right next to me. The shock from his sudden move almost my heart stop beating.
“Be…Be…Be...Because….” I do not know how to answer. His weight is so heavy on top of me that the last drop of air seems has been squeezed out of my lung.
I start panting for air and I can hear my labored breathing becomes shorter and shorter, until everything goes from dark to black.
“Shiaonu, Shiaonu.” I feel the patting on my face. The weight is no longer there. I take a deep and much-needed inhale, a slow and deliberated exhale, and then another deep breath.
It must have been a nightmare, I tell myself. I heard about things like this before.
“Shiaonu, Baby, wake up.” Zhao Yan’s voice comes.
I open my eyes and see him sitting next to me. He must have turned up the oil lamp on my bed stand, since I can see the shadows casting on him, who looks like the beast in the beauty and the beast cartoon. A strand of hair unruly hanging in front of his forehead.
“Oh, baby, you are awake now.” His face lightens up when he sees my opened eyes.
He lowers his upper body, wraps his arms around me underneath my back and pulls me against his chest.
“I am sorry, baby, I am really sorry.” He says to me while kissing me on my cheeks. “I was so mad when I found out you have run away. I sent so many people looking for you, only found out you were trying to board a boat, but was taken away by a soldier. You don’t know how scared I have been. I have waited you for so long, waiting for you to turn fifteen so that I can …”
He pulls me next to his chest and I can hear his fast heart beat.
I am still too horrified to speak or to move.
His pecking on my cheeks turns into nibbling, then he starts kissing on my lips, gently and slowly first, then more and more, one after another, until he is on top of me again, with his tongue exploring inside my mouth.
I can hear his heavy breath and desirous groan and feel his eager hands and unmistakably hardness. But I am immobilized by everything he is doing to me.
“Oh, Baby, you are so beautiful. I am mad about you.” He groans.
His hand reaches underneath my dress and hold my right breast, which caused the shivering from me. His laughter is low but clear in the quiet night.
“No, no.” I beg him.
He ignores me and continues his exploitation on my body till he reaches my underwear. He stops where my menstrual belt is.
“You are in period?” He asks.
I nods.
He raises up his head and I see the disappointment all over his face. Looking into my eyes for a moment, as if to assess if I was telling the truth or not, he then buries his face onto my chest and moans.
He finally rolls off from me and lies down next to me on his back. He makes a deep sigh.
I don’t know what to think of everything. Actually my brain has stopped working completely. He grabs my hand and holds it in his.
“Actually lying down here with you is enough for me. “ He says after his breath calms down a little.
I don’t know what to say, just let him hold mine hands and then let him fumble through my fingers one by one.
“No, I have to go.” He says, “I am going to explode. I cannot believe I am like a teenage boy.”
He abruptly sits up and starts putting on his shoes.
I start sobbing.
He stops what he is doing and turns to me.
“What are you crying for?” He asks.
“You have scared me.” I continue sobbing.
He sighs a deep sigh. “You have scared me first. I was so afraid of never seeing you again.”
“I would have told you if you were there.”
“I had to go back to Xiongnu. I did not expect the delay of my return.”
“You were so angry towards me just now.”
He gives another sigh. “I was not angry towards you. I am just frustrated about myself since I don’t know what to do with you.”
“How did you get in?” I ask him. Niang has checked all the doors before we went to bed since just two of us stays home while Papa and my two brothers went to Huang’s house again for the funeral tomorrow.
“The tree next to the wall.” He tells me casually.
“Have you done this before?”
“Have I done what before?” He doesn’t get what I ask.
“Have you ever come to my room when I was sleeping?”
He gives me a suppressed laugh and then admits to me frankly. “Yes, I have.”
I feel all my hair standing up.
“Where is Jinu?” He asks me.
“He went to Huang’s house for the funeral. Do you know Mr. Huang is dead?”
He gives me a wry smile. “Of course I do. I made sure of that.”
“You, you, you are the one…” I cannot continue.
He nods indifferently. Then he turns and put his hands on my shoulder. “Shiaonu, you should have known by now, I am not just a business man. It is just a convenient cover for me. “
Meeting my terrified eyes, he stops right away. “Huang’s family actually has been in deep debt for a quite some time now. Since Mrs. Huang’s husband passed away five years ago, their business have been poorly run. They have closed all their business and all their properties has been pawned. The only hope they have is your dowry. Your parents plan to give them half of the profit from liquor business plus the properties and gold. “
He shakes his head as if he still cannot believe what my parents plan to do. “They believe their dowry can buy you a good marriage. But it’s just their wishful thinking. It only made my negotiation with them harder. I have worked on them since I knew your plan. Huang and his mom are too greedy. Every time your parents agrees on something, they ask double from me to break the engagement. Then they go back to your parents for more. Even when they found out you ran away, they still plan to marry you in your absence in order to get your dowry. I was too angry when I heard their plan, so I decided to get rid of the greedy bastard once and for all. “
“Are you going to be all right?” I worry about him. “Anybody saw you?”
He smiles and gives me a kiss on my face. “I own that brothel.”
“You own Pear Spring too?” It suddenly comes me why he has spent so much time there.
“Yes.” He says. “But do not tell anybody of anything I told you tonight.”
I nod.
“Shiaonu,” he says to me in a serious tone. “Do not try to run away again. “
I shake my head. “I don’t need to. Not anymore. I am going to Imperial University which will exempt me from all taxes, including the marriage punishment tax.”
“What does that mean?” He asks with a frown.
“That means I don’t need to get married ever.”
He stays quiet for a while. “Fine. As long as you are with me.”
I lower my head avoiding his gaze.
But he would not let me escape. He holds my chin up towards him. “Shiaonu, do not force me to do anything I will regret later. Be good and I promise I will take care of you forever.”
Tears stream down my face again. The guy in front of me is a stranger. Not somebody I knew, or I should say I have never really known who he is. I had my moments of suspicions, but his patience, his wit and his tolerance has led me ignoring all the dangerous signs associated with him.
“Don’t cry, baby.” He kisses my tears off. “I give you my promise that I will treat you good. You will be happy with me.”
I am too scared to say anything to him. His rage, his fury and his ruthlessn
ess has completely terrified me. I have never experienced such forceful and violent anger. I feel powerless and helpless in front of him.
16 Imperial University
I have been too scared to sleep at night.
I sit up all night long, with my crossbow in my hand and methanol jars next to me.
The very next day after Zhao Yan’s night visit, I bought lots of bells and set up bell traps all over the trees with the silk thread. But the bells rang all night long, even with the gentlest wind blowing. Papa was outraged and took them all down.
So I moved all the bells in my room and again set up the bell trap inside. I could only doze off during the day in a chair in the courtyard, while my family busy working around me.
I thought about self-defense since I am not sure if Zhao Yan will stop himself or not next time. Inside my mind, I have gone through all the possible moves I have learned from my three-year after-school martial art program. But I have come to the conclusion that not only he is way too strong for me, but also I would not do anything to hurt him badly, like poking his eyes or punching his private parts. I am scared of his rage and his desire, but I don’t hate him. I cannot stop thinking all the good times we have spent together.
He has asked Jinu to pass me a green jade hairpin as my birthday gift. I would have loved it if the other night did not exist.
What happened that night has also forced me to think about Zhao Yan’s feeling towards me. I have to admit I have occasionally thought he treated me special. But I have always brushed away those thoughts easily. He has been a mature man with twelve wives and has been living in a brothel as his own home. I was not able to imagine such a guy would be interested in a then fourteen, now fifteen year-old girl without even full developed yet. Even such thought makes me quiver.
But more importantly, I have to sort out my own feeling towards him.
“You don’t look so good. Are you nervous about going in there?” Huo Qubing asks me when he meets by the western door of Weiyang Palace. It is my first day going to Imperial University.
“A little.” Actually I don’t. I am too tired to feel anything.
My Soul is in the Sky Page 16