“How long has he been gone?” I ask him.
“About three days ago.” Then he pleads. “Please, please kill me.”
I nod to the tribe members and turn my head away while covering my ears. But his screaming continues come to me.
“Slice his throat.” I finally tells the tribe member who apparently have no clue how to kill a person quickly and painlessly.
It has silenced the poor guy immediately.
I don’t want to stay there any longer. So we get on the horse and leave for east side.
East side of Mobei battle is led by Huo and his army. He won it without any doubt. After marched into Xiongnu’s territory for over one thousand miles, he ran into the armies belong to Worthy Prince of the East and other nobles. The battle is quick and one sided. His army is much more superior to Xiongnu’s, not just in quantity but in the quality as well. Emperor Wu has made sure that he picks the best soldiers first.
But I don’t have any interest for east side battle at all. My mind has been completely occupied by the question why Zhao Yan, after everything I have told him, still decided to go to east side. Why Zhao Xin, his brother, who have promised me to keep him close, would have let him go.
I can only hope the battle between Huo and Xiongnu had happened before his arrival.
The only reason I can think of, based on the date he left to east side, is that they have received the bad news about Chanyu and Zhao Yan was dispatched to warn Worthy Prince of East. But why does it have to be him? Unless there has to be some important message can only be escorted by Zhao Yan.
“Ma’am” One of the tribe members calls me. We have been riding for four days.
“What is it?” I ask him. I know his wife and his kids. I used to visit his family all the time.
“Something smells badly.” He tells me.
I have noticed that too. It is the smell of dead bodies.
“I think we are very close now.” I say to them. Neither one of them know the Worthy Princes of East also lost his battle.
When we get to the top of the mountain, we see a valley of dead bodies. The smell has been coming from down there.
“I am going down there.” I tell them while loosing my belt and cutting a small portion of it. I wrap it around my neck to cover my mouth and my nose. “I might find someone who is still alive and can tell me where my husband is.”
The fear leaks out from their eyes. I sigh. I am always scared of things might happen to me, but when it really happens, I know I can pick up my strength and my courage to face it. There is no other way but facing it. Dodging what’s coming is no use, and the imagination of it can haunt you forever.
“Why don’t you stay here rest?” I tell them. “I will go there look around.”
“Xiongnu lost.” One of them said. “I can tell all the dead ones wears Xiongnu clothes.”
I nod. “That is very obvious and it looks like they’ve been dead for days.”
“I am going with you.” One of them tells me. “If there is anybody from my tribe, I will go bury them. I don’t see anybody else left to do that.”
So three of us ride down. I tell them to cover their mouth and nose just like me.
Body after body, we search for our tribe members. We know if we can find one, we should be able to find others nearby. They always stay together.
Then we find one, and another. Everybody we find, my heart sinks more. Zhao Yan would not leave his tribe members, they are his family.
When I find Zhao Yan, I have already built a thick wall between myself and his death. His armor is gone, so is his head piece. I can see they were ripped off him since his neck still shows the scratch and his head is in a very unnatural position. He should have died of internal bleeding since I don’t see any wound on him. He must have coughed blood out since I find blood in his mouth, on his chin and all over his front.
I bury my head in his chest like I always do. But I don’t hear the heart beats, nor do I feel his warmth. The pain gradually cracks through the wall I have built, it gives me such a pressure in my chest that I feel like I am going to explode. The only way I can let the pressure out is to raise my head all the way up, straighten my air pipe and let it out by howl, and howl loudly.
That’s what I did. I just sit there holding him and howl until I don’t have any voice left, until blood came out of my throat.
When night time comes, I refuse to go anywhere but staying with Zhao Yan. Two tribe members brought me some milk from the horse. They have been burying bodies of our tribe members all day.
“He needs to be buried.” They suggest.
“I know. Just give me a little more time.” I tell them in the scratchy and low voice. I don’t have any voice left. I will not be able to see him or feel him anymore. I just want to be with him a little longer.
“We will just go watch you from up there.” One of them points to where we were this morning. “The smell is too bad.”
I nod. My nose has been totally stuffed and I can smell nothing any more.
They leave with everything they have collected from their tribe members to send back to their families.
I start digging a hole right next to me with a short dagger Zhao Yan has given me a while back. Under the moon light, he lies quietly next to me, just like so many times I woke up in the middle of the night seeing him sleeping.
“Why didn’t you listen to me?” I ask him. “Don’t you know coming this way means nothing but death? Are you stupid or are you stupid?”
Then I get angry at his irresponsibility. “How dare you dump me like this after you have dragged me here? Don’t you know you are very selfish? Why didn’t you think of me when you decide to come here? What am I going to do next?”
I give him a big kick on his body. “I don’t need your money, I don’t need your arrangement. Especially I don’t need your brother to tell me to live. You are such a coward. You don’t have any guts telling me to my face.”
But it is me who failed him. I can’t keep him from dying even with all the knowledge I have. I keep my stupid principle not making anything that will kill others, but I let him be killed. I have been brainwashed first by not tampering the history, then the principle of not to kill. The only thing I have got in return is either I got hurt or my loved one got killed.
What have I been doing? I am like an angry bull in the rodeo. No matter what I do, I fail in the end.
“Zhao Yan, remember you said that my existence and my world has shaken your belief in your Tengri. I wish I have never told you anything. I hope you are with your Tengri now and live happily somewhere in the sky. “
When the first ray of sunlight shows up in horizon, I have buried Zhao Yan. I sit down next to him, with my arms wrap around my knees, watching the sun goes up little by little. It will be the last time I will be watching the sunrise with him.
“Zhao Yan, I don’t want to leave you here. But I have no way to take you back.” I tell him. “Once I leave, I will never be able find you again. This place will be different next time I come here. I will not know how to find you.”
In the light of rising sun, I close my eyes trying to see him smiling to me in my mind. But I get panicked, because his face is a blur in my mind. I cannot picture what he looks like.
I dig up the soil again. I have to see him for the last time, so I can clearly remember how he looks like. I remember his touch, his voice, his smell. But I don’t remember his look. That scares me, how can I forget what he looks like so fast?
I finally break down with tears. I am such an awful person, I have already started forgetting. I wish I had a camera, so I can take pictures, or at least have a piece of paper and a pencil to sketch. But I have nothing. In fact, I don’t even have a thing to remember him by.
The necklace, the one he said he would give to his son. I remember he still has it when I was holding him. I need to get it, I need to have it, so I will not forget him.
When I first detect the sound, it is vague, light and gentle. Then it
becomes louder and louder. When it becomes the rambling sound, the ground is also shaking.
I raise my head and see nothing. So I just shrug it off. It might be an earthquake. Without high rise buildings, what can possibly hurt me in such an open place with nothing but thousands dead bodies around me?
I hurried up in digging and Zhao Yan’s face shows up again. I watch him, close my eyes, and sketch him in my mind. The height of his forehead, the shape of his eyebrows, the look of his nose, the thickness of his lips, his chin, and his face. How could he make so many expressions before? When he laughs, which part of his face moves? I touch his frown lines. I have never known they exist. Have I caused any of those? Or was I in any of those frowns?
I open his collar and take the necklace away.
“Baby, I am taking your necklace with me.” I kneel down next to him and wipe some soil away from his hair. “I am going back to your tribe and I will stay there until I am used to the life without you again.”
I look at him one last time and push the soils on him again.
When the ground is all leveled. I stand up and stretch myself. The sun is getting warmer. It is April, good weather is coming.
Then I realize I have been surrounded by Han soldiers on horses.
“Shiaonu?” One of them calls my name as if he is not sure.
“Yes, it’s me.” I answer him with my low and scratchy voice. I look around trying to find out who is the one called me.
Then a tall man gets off the horse and grabs me by my shoulder. “It’s me, I am Li Gan.”
I look at him incredulously. “How come it is you again?” I ask. It seems like every time when I am in the devastated state, Li Gan is always the first one there.
He looks puzzled by my question.
I nod to him. “Please forgive me.” I tell him. “I have just buried my husband and I am not in good mood. But it is good to see you.”
“Your husband?” He asks.
“Yes. He is dead. Killed by Han soldiers.”
He looks at me strangely. He is probably not sure why I am so calm.
Then he remembers something and tell one soldier to get General Zhao. “Tell him I have found his sister.”
“Ponu is here?” I ask him.
“Yes, he is right behind me. He should be here very soon.”
We walk back to the higher ground. I check to see if the two tribe members are anywhere to be seen. I am sure they have been hiding as soon as they saw the Han troops.
“Where are you going?” I ask him.
“We are going back to Chang’an.” He says. “We have just won the battle against Xiongnu and we have chased them all the way to Hanhai. Now we are on our way back home.”
I nod without saying anything anymore. Hanhai is Lake Baikal in modern days.
Ponu comes quickly. He looks more mature than I remembered.
“Shiaonu.” He jumps off his horse before it stops complete and rush to me. We hug each other tightly in front of everybody.
“You have grown taller again.” I tell him while raising my head up.
“Your voice...” He notices that then he adds. “You have not changed at all.”
I give him a smile. How can I not change? Everything has been changed.
“Your hair is short and your dress is different.” Then he realizes my dress is typical Xiongnu dress. “You wear Xiongnu dress.”
“Yes, I have been wearing them for almost two years.”
Before he can say anything, someone approaches us with fast speed.
“General Huo is asking how come we stopped.” It is a soldier with a little flag in his hand. The flag is embroiled with a big character of “Huo”.
“I have to go.” I tell Ponu. “Tell Niang and Papa I am fine.”
He grabs me and will not let me go. “No, Shiaonu.” He says. “Go home with me.”
I shake my head. “No, I can’t. I like it here. Here is my home now.”
Ponu looks at me deeply. “Shiaonu, go home. Niang has been crying every day since you left. You have to go home with me.”
“I am sorry, Ponu.” I insist. “Tell Niang I miss her too. But I can’t go back. At least not now.”
While we are talking, I see Huo coming. I turn my head away from him.
He stays on his horse high. “What is going on here?” He asks.
Isn’t that obvious?
“We found Shiaonu here.” Li Gan answers him.
Huo stays quiet for a long time and then he says. “Tie her up and throw her into the prisoner’s carriage.”
Everyone looks surprised except me.
“General Huo.” Li Gan tries to make sure he knows who I am. “She is Shiaonu, the sister of General Zhao. And she is also your…” His sound trails down.
“You can’t do that to her.” Ponu finally breaks out his silence. “You cannot treat her like that.”
“That’s an order.” Huo says. “Hurry up. We need to resume.”
“No.” Ponu says to him while putting me behind his back. “She is my sister. I won’t let anybody tie her up in front of my face.”
“Li Gan. You do it.” Huo says to Li Gan.
“I can’t either.” Li Gan says to him. “She hasn’t done anything deserves to be tied up.”
I am totally moved by Ponu and Li Gan. If my brother Ponu did it because I am his sister, Li Gan is someone I barely knew.
Huo looks at both of them. “Fine, you two are responsible to keep her with you. If she runs away, you two can come to see me with your heads on the tray.”
Then Huo rides away.
Ponu brings me a horse to ride. I get on it and ride next to him. I turn my head to where Zhao Yan was buried and watch it until I can’t see it any more.
The trip back to Chang’an is not as bad as I thought. Ponu takes good care of me. I tell him about Zhao Yan, about my life with him and about my life in Xiongnu.
“Were you happy there?” He asks.
“Yes, very much so. I did not know I could be that happy. Life on steppe can be hard. But the freedom is worth everything.”
I don’t know if I can say the same without Zhao Yan.
“I only remember fragments of my life on steppe.” Ponu says. “But I remember how good it felt to rider the horse in the summer.”
“Yes, summer is the best time.” I agree with him. “The winter can be so cold. In first year, I stayed inside the ger for almost the whole winter, and I still felt cold.”
I chuckle. Talking with Ponu about the life in steppe brings back all the good memories.
After we cross the border, we stayed in the border city for a few days. Some of the soldiers are stationed there. So there are lot of works for Ponu. I ask for some money and go to shop for myself.
I stay in a hotel in town. I finally get the chance to shower and wash my hair, which is long again. When I cut down my hair, my tears fall down too. The excitement of seeing Ponu and talking about the life on steppes make me forget that Zhao Yan is no longer alive any more. I wipe my tears and decide to go out and get myself something to drink.
I run into Li Gan again while I am eatting and drinking alone in a restaurant. After eating nothing but meat in Xiongnu for so long, I stuff myself with tons of vegetables. I invite Li Gan to join me and order him dishes he likes.
“I just want to say thank you for standing up for me.” I raise my cup of wine to him. “I know you can’t drink since you are not officially off-duty yet. But I will drink for you.”
We agree to drink together again when we get back to Chang’an.
32 Back in Chang’an
To my surprise, there is no cheering crowd along the street when we go into Chang’an. I remember how glorious it once was celebrating the victory of Han.
“Why is it so quiet?” I ask Ponu.
He doesn’t answer my question, instead he says to me. “I am going to ask someone escort you home first. I need to go to barrack and I will go home later.”
I nod and go back home with two o
f his soldiers.
Everything is as I remembered except two new grandkids for my parents. Ponu had told me about his son and Jinu’s daughter. But when I hold them in my arms, I feel strange. Time has passed so quickly and now I am officially an aunt.
Papa and Niang look older too, especially Papa, both sides of his hair, close to the temple, have turned grey. Jinu and his wife are expecting another baby. The natural harmony between them tells me how married they are. Ponu’s wife has changed a lot, much quieter now. Her whole attention seems focused on her son.
They all have tons of questions for me. But I am just too tired to answer them one by one. So I tell them the extreme short version on what have happened to me: I have gone to Xiongnu and have lived there with Zhao Yan until he died.
Without listening to any of their comments, I ask for a bath and a good meal. Niang immediately takes me to the courtyard where I used to live. They have kept it the same way as I left it. Even the two maids have stayed.
I thank them keeping my place clean. They quickly prepare the bath water for me.
Only when I close the door and soak myself into the tub, I feel totally worn from of the mask I have been carrying. Being loved by my family becomes such a burden at this moment. I can’t face them. They are like the magnify glasses on me. Every single emotion is being examined by them. And I am drained. Since I have buried Zhao Yan’s body, I have been dragged over thousands miles on horseback, without being able to recover from the shock yet.
And now I am finally alone in my bathtub, the thought of him and leaving him in the middle of nowhere brings down my tears.
So I stay in the tub, crying.
I go to bed directly after the bath and wake up when it is all dark outside.
Under my family’s watchful eyes, I force myself swallow down the food. They have had their dinner already. Ponu is back too. From their looks and their silence, I am sure he has told them how he has found me in the middle of thousands dead bodies. They are quiet without any more questions.
After the hot tea served by the maid, I decide to start the conversation with them. I know it might hurt the feelings of my parents. But I need to be alone for a while. I need to keep myself in quiet and let the wound heal.
My Soul is in the Sky Page 32