However the more looming question is still the decreed marriage set by Emperor Wu. From what I know, it was never withdrawn or annulled. That was one of the reasons I insisted on moving out and setting up my own household. Hopefully it will save my family and will keep them away from any possible wrath coming from Emperor Wu. According to Han’s law, the punishment of disobeying the decree is to be beheaded and worse, the whole family can be killed too. It’s called Lian Zuo, a collective punishment.
Actually it even surprises me that I haven’t heard anything. I have been back for a few months now. The only reason I can think of is that they have all been busy sorting out the damage from the war. With twenty thousand soldiers dead and over one hundred and ten thousand horses lost in the Battle of Mobei, Han’s economy has been dragged down. Not only the nationalization of salt and iron has become a reality, every tax has been increased two fold. New taxes have also been announced focusing on merchants like my family.
A new type of currency, Currency of Leather, has also being established. For most Han people, the daily currency is a type of bronze coin, with round shape and a square hole in the middle. For merchants who deal with large amount of money, they use silver or gold ingots called silver cakes or gold cakes. Currency of Leather is made from the deer skin with special pictures on top. It is worth about forty thousand bronze coins, which makes it the most valuable currency in Han. And it is required to be used when Kings from different kingdoms come to Chang’an to pay their annual respect. If it’s not extortion, I don’t know what else you can call it.
As for gold, Emperor Wu creatively re-classified it into three categories: pure gold, silver gold and red gold. He adds tin into gold to make it silver gold, and copper for red gold. It helps the circulation of gold in the market, just as the same way Federal Reserve infuse money when economy is down.
As the most admired Emperor in history, Emperor Wu has always been remembered as a conqueror. But all the economic policies make him a great manager for his country as well. One hand he increase the currency flow, and the other he increase the taxes. For a country who is at the brink of collapse, all these policies have helped to secure the economy. Maybe that is why he hasn’t gotton a chance to give me any trouble.
I look into my jewelry drawer Niang has sent to me when I moved into my place and pick out the pears earrings and green jade hairpin Zhao Yan has given me. I have never worn the green jade hairpin. I was angry at him when he gave it to me. My hair is still only at my shoulder length, so I tie a low bun behind and conceal the length with a handkerchief.
Zhao Yan has showered me with jewelry when I was in Xiongnu. Most of it was from his mom. He simply opened one trunk in the ger and told me it was all mine. And now it is still in Xiongnu.
The horse carriage takes me inside Chang’an. I ask the coachman if he made a mistake. He tells me the boarding place is close to south gate, which is next to Weiyang Palace and next to Wuku, where the barrack and weapon station are.
I feel like it was a deliberate act from Princess Pingyang. When designed for Lake Kunming, it was intentionally to expand and link the river pass by the barracks. It can help military supplies been shipped to the barracks and weapon station easily. I have even designed a safety gate with long pointing iron thorns to prevent any possible intrusion. It is supposed to be guarded by soldiers all the time. Using a military dock as cruise boarding place is something beyond my understanding. Based on what she has said at my house, I can only speculate that she is showing me off in front of Huo, who should be nearby.
Not knowing what has really happened between Huo and Wei Family, I am not interested in being caught in the middle. Although I don’t have any long term plan yet, but I don’t think I will stay in Chang’an long. In fact the only reason I have stayed is the threat from Huo on the lives of my brother and Li Gan. Whatever his reason for taking me back to Chang’an and holding me responsible for the lives of others, I only want to get things resolved fast. He might want an official annulment. Without the certainty of my death, he is still bound by the marriage contract and he cannot marry any other woman as his formal wife. But that doesn’t stop him from getting as many concubines as he wants.
The noise of the crowd is unusual, including the voice from men and women. When I get out of my horse carriage, all of their gazes are upon me. Honestly, that makes me very uncomfortable.
“Ms. Zhao, Ms. Zhao. It is really her.” I hear the muttering from the crowds.
A few of my old colleagues from Navy Planning Group rush to me. It is good to see them. So I smile to them and exchange greetings with them. They are all very excited talking to me at same time. I can barely understand what they say. These are the guys we use to spend days in compiling information as well as going out for field survey. They tell me they are now part of official Navy.
Then a group of students from Imperial University come to me. Some of them I don’t even remember. I also smile and exchange greetings with them. I am surprised to see them since Imperial University represents the most conservative group of peoples of the country. Studying in Imperial University was like a life time away.
The majority of the crowds are just peoples I don’t know at all. They heard my name and wanted to meet me in person. I feel like a super star in front of her fans, a lot of them.
I have no idea how and when I have become so famous and have attracted so many fans. It is more scaring than flattering.
Princess Pingyang sends her guards to urge me to get on the boat. So I agree with my old colleagues to meet with them again and let them show me what they have done with Lake Kunming. For the students in Imperial University, I agree to pay them a visit when it is a good time.
Princess Pingyang greets me on the cruise boat. It is a two-story boat decorated in nothing less than luxury.
She looks quite satisfied with the scene down at the dock.
“I told you that you are very famous now.” She says to me proudly. “I only told a couple of people that you would be here and they have been waiting for you for a long time.”
I smiles bitterly about the sudden fame.
Empress Wei, Mrs. Chen, Mrs. Gongsun and Princess Dangli all greet me with warm hugs. Looking at them feels like another lifetime ago. But now they are in front of me as if nothing has changed.
There is no way for any further conversation with them since I am quickly led to meet with rest of women. I can barely remember their names, but the name of their husbands or fathers are familiar. I guess Princess Pingyang has moved the high society social crowd from Chang’an to this boat.
Only female guests are invited on the boat since it is Double Seven Festival. They are all dressed in expensive silk and wearing expensive jewelry. The boat itself is painted in red and green colors with gold leaves as the decorating highlight. Fruits, desserts and wines have been placed on the tables everywhere.
They are a bunch of curious ladies. But in front of Empress Wei and Princess Pingyang, they carefully avoid questions on my marriage. So the topic becomes the life in Xiongnu. I tell them about how cold it is in winter even when I wear two layers of furs and how beautiful it is in the summer where green grassland extends all the way to horizon. They also ask questions about if they really marry their father’s wives. I tell them yes and explain to them the reason behind it. But that doesn’t go very well. To them, it is totally against everything they have been taught.
We then switch topics about Chanyu. To them he is like a werewolf monster. But I tell them how he loved his sister and worried about her like rest of us. But he is tall, much taller than anybody I’ve ever met and he does look scary especially when he looks at you in silence.
Looking at their curious faces, I am sure everything I say tonight will be spread all over Chang’an tomorrow.
When night falls, I finally get a chance to look at the lake. I knew it would be big when we did the measurement and design. But when I am in the middle of the lake, the size becomes even more expansive.
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nbsp; “Is it the same as you designed it?” Princess Pingyang asks me.
“For the most part.” I start pointing to her where the water inlets and outlets are, how the water level can be adjusted and how it can ease the traffic congestions from main river paths. “There should be a navy shipyard in that direction and a shopping center over there.” I tell her and others around us.
“The reason they have not built the shipyard is because they have not figured out your drawing yet.” One of the lady answers.
I am surprised that she knows about this.
“My husband is responsible for the building of warships.” She explains to me shyly.
“She is Mrs. Yang. Her Husband is Mr. Yang Fan.” Princess Pingyang reminds me. We have been introduced before, but I cannot remember.
“Oh, Mrs. Yang. It must have been my drawing was too vague.” I say. “I will be glad to explain anything I know.”
“Your life will be busy again.” Princess Pingyang says to me. “But first of all, you need to go to see General Wei. He is looking forward to see you.”
I stay quiet without answering her yes or no. There are too many memories associated with his place. Those are the memories I don’t want to remember.
“I will meet General Wei. But it has to wait until I am ready.”
But the wait is not long. General Wei comes to see me the very next day.
“I figure if I don’t come here, you probably would never come to my house again.” He says to me when I invite him in and sit on my porch.
I don’t want to deny that. That was my plan. So I just smile and prepare him hot tea.
“It has been three months since your return.” He says. “How long are you going to cocoon like this?”
“This is not cocooning.” I laugh. “This is my prison and I am just waiting for the verdict.”
He understands what I say. “I heard you did not come back voluntarily. Do you like staying Xiongnu that much?”
I have to think for a while before I answer him. “I like the life on the steppes. It is simple and it is free. I have no pressure to do anything or to be anyone. I sleep as I want, I wake up as I please. It is a life fits me.”
He looks at me in a strange way. “Do you think you can still have that kind of life if I let you go back there?”
I shake my head. “I don’t know. Zhao Yan is dead. He kept me well protected. Without him, I don’t believe I could have that kind of life again.”
My voice starts choking. So I stop and try to force my tears back.
He waits a while and sighs. “Who would ever thought you would go with him. I sensed he liked you since he was teaching you how to ride a horse. But I never thought you would go with him. We have looked for you everywhere.”
“It was a decision on the spur of the moment.” I say. “I was devastated and he promised me to protect me and gave me freedom. So it was an easy decision.”
“You don’t miss it here at all?” He asks.
“Not really.” I lower my head. I know his feelings will be hurt, because that statement included him. But I just don’t want to lie. “I did not even want to put my feet on the land of Han.”
Listening to what I said, he sits back a little. Both of us become silent.
After a while, he breaks the silence. “Do you know what you want to do next?”
“No, I don’t know. My plan doesn’t work anyway. Why waste time having one?” I say to him. My plan was to spend rest of my life with Zhao Yan. But no matter how much preparation I did, it still could not stop him from dying.
He did not say anything. This is probably first time ever we cannot continue our conversation.
“I am actually trapped here.” I tell him. “Not just here in Chang’an, or in Han. But I am trapped in time. I know the time and the strings of events attached to it, but I can’t do a thing. I can only see the lights go out one by one. If I get too close, I get burned. What else can I do other than just watching them die one by one? Then one day I will die too.”
“We will all die someday.” He says, obviously confused by what I have said “From now to that day comes, do something that makes yourself feel good.”
“Yeah, why not.” I feel like I have found a glimmer of what I want to do. I had to second guess myself and my belief because of the loss of Zhao Yan. For a while, I was lost and I did not know what to believe any more. I need to find out what will make me happy again. It used to be the love from Zhao Yan that held me together after my trust had been shattered. When I was on the way to Xiongnu, sick and heartbroken, I did not know I would later be so happy. Now I need to find something that makes me happy again.
General Wei detects my mood has been changing. “What have I said that touched a nerve of yours?”
“I think I know what I will do now. No detail yet. But I will find out what will make me happy again. I don’t believe I can find it in self-pity, in asking myself why every day, or in regretting. Happiness is like oasis in the desert, scarce and precious. Nobody can live there for the rest of their lives. Everyone has to resume their journey after drinking enough water.”
He frowns on what I have said. “I used to think that I could understand you no matter what you say or what you do. How come I feel like I am losing the touch here?”
I laugh. Since Zhao Yan died, I have been living in the darkness of sorrow, now I find a crack of light in it.
I invite General Wei to stay for dinner and he happily accepts.
“I don’t have any wine or Baijiu here.” I say to him. “But I will get some tomorrow. Next time when you come here, you will definitely have it.”
He laughs. “That’s very good. I will come here often then. I am no longer busy and you don’t want to go to my house anymore.”
“Then come here as often as you’d like. I am alone anyway. It is very quiet here.”
One by one, I get more and more visitors. I have to hire two neighbors nearby to help me out during the day.
I also start to learn how to weave on a loom. Ponu’s wife introduces me to some of the good silk weaving stores. So I go there watch and learn.
When September comes, Zhao Yan’s first and second wives come to Chang’an with two guys from Zhao Xin. He liked my idea and is willing to give it a try.
I hire people to teach the ladies how to spin silk and how to weave. I take the two guys to a farm that provides milk for my family stores. They also have goats there. So I show them how to brush out the undercoat down. They are surprised that the down can be used for weaving. They used to brush it away when they prepare the fur. I also teach two ladies how to crochet and how to knit. Since I am not very good myself, I can only teach them the basics and draw patterns I have seen before to show them. They get it quickly.
While we are waiting for the order of looms to be ready, I show them around. Other than one guy from Zhao Xin, the other three have never been to Han. What they see amazes them.
They brought me a trunk full of stuffs that used to be in the ger Zhao Yan and I shared, my tears pour out when I see it.
Zhao Yan’s wives tell me how hard it was with most of the men dead. Luckily Zhao Xin’s tribe suffers relatively less. A lot of widows get married to guys from Zhao Xin’s tribe. I know it is a way of surviving for women and a way of protecting for men. It sounds strange, but it is an honorable thing to do. If polygamy is the only way to survive, why not?
I take Zhao Yan’s first wife and the guy from Zhao Xin’s tribe to meet with Aunt Red. Cashmere should be a rare item. It takes three goats for a scarf and five goats for a sweater to provide enough down hair. I want it to be sold as a luxury and expensive item. I show Aunt Red the scarf I made for Zhao Yan and she immediately realize the value of it.
The only problem is they can only talk through me or the guy from Zhao Xin’s tribe. But I’d like them to meet. While the first wife of Zhao Yan takes care of the production and the quality of the product, Aunt Red will take care of the marketing and sales of it. I am even thinking abo
ut luxury rare furs and expensive carpets to be produced and sold between them. Both Zhao Yan’s first wife and Aunt Red are very capable and independent women. They remind me of my own mom, who lives her life independently and content. I believe they will form a very strong team in doing business together. Hopefully it will provide stable income.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.
They leave to Xiongnu as soon as the special ordered looms are ready. They need to get ready before the winter slaughter of the goats. I ask them to explain to Zhao Xin why I have to stay in Chang’an.
34 Heqing
When the imperial guards show up in front of my door, it is already the end of November.
I have been doing nothing but painting at home. Occasionally General Wei and Dongfang Shuo paid me visits. Both of them like to drink Baijiu, I have stored plenty of it in my house.
The ladies from Wei Family have persistently inviting me to their parties. Every time I go, we end up playing Mahjong. They play it much better than me now. I lose to them most of the time. I found it interesting that women from Wei family are content and happy while General Wei drinks more and more.
He did not tell me anything. But Dongfang Shuo quoted his own writing when he told me about General Wei’s situation on the court. “When you get promoted by Emperor, you become a tiger. When you get ignored, you become a rat.” That makes me laugh. It is so vivid, so vicious, yet so true. Emperor Wu has been publicly and intentionally ignoring General Wei. He would no longer seek his advice any more, instead he constantly praises Huo in front of everyone.
Dongfang Shuo and I have been getting along well. We are more like friends than a teacher and his student. But he can be evasive and cunning too. Sometimes, especially after he is drunk, he can be quite crazy. Some of his peculiar behavior can be outrageous even in my standard.
However, we share similar view towards the world, especially towards Emperor Wu and his court. To us, the court is like a circus, with all kinds of animals been trained and manipulated by the master, Emperor Wu himself.
My Soul is in the Sky Page 34