“Baby.” He holds me tight within his arms and whispers continuously. “I am so sorry.”
“Please don’t, don’t feel sorry at all.” The familiarity of his body makes me sit inside his arms comfortably. My eye lids are getting too heavy to stay open. “Please don’t leave me. I want to go with you. I just don’t understand how I am still alive and you are dead. I have been the one who wants to die.”
36 Farewell
Dragon Boat Festival is celebrated as crowded as I imagined. It is the first time that boat racing is hold on Lake Kunming. Almost everyone in Chang’an are gathering around the lake.
I come along with my family. Ponu has been called as one of the judges. So he is at the destination with Emperor Wu and other officials. I help by holding the baby while others set up the place for us to sit down and enjoy the race.
Princess Pingyang has invited me to join her at the bleacher built for her. But I declined since it is next to Emperor Wu’s. I’d rather stay far away from the center of attention.
We enjoyed the Zongzi along with some wine. Zongzi is a steamed food with meat and sticky rice wrapped with bamboo leaves. Jinu, now father of two, is busy taking care of all of us. I can still remember how the twenty duck eggs he gave me started the duck farming business. He was planning to be a blacksmith and now he has so many businesses to manage and a big family to take care of.
Niang and Papa are very happy today. Niang has put all her attention on her grandchildren. Ponu will move out as soon as his house is finish building. As a general, he has been awarded with a house of his own. Niang has trying to get me move back home. But I like to stay in my own place.
When the boat racing starts, it starts with men’s racing from royal families. There are three groups of competition, soldiers from different generals, men from royal families and women from different royal household.
No surprise for the first two groups. The team that belongs to Navy wins the first group while the team that belongs to Prince Liu Duan wins the second group. When the third competition starts, audiences around lake have turned into madness, especially when everyone see beautiful girls dressing in colorful clothes are getting ready for competition. Even Jinu runs to the front to watch.
The girls belong to Princess Pingyang all dressed in tight fitting navy blue clothes. They wear no complicated hair pieces, with no exaggerate jewelry, and with very little make up. They look clean and healthy. But girls from other teams look more like a show performance instead of competition. Their clumsy dresses, clunky hair styles and ghost white makeup with bright red lips, make them look more like Geishas.
Just by looking at the team members, I know Princess Pingyang’s team is going to win, even without the boat I have designed. The boat is very simple, long and narrow frame covered with lamb skin. But the secret is not the light weight or the shape. It is the front and rear wings underneath the boat. When the boat reaches certain speed, it will lift itself up from the water, which cuts the resistance from the water drastically.
But the team wins with such a large margin that have astonished everyone, especially when their boat starts floating above the water. People start calling it a flying boat.
Emperor Wu orders additional racing among the three winning teams. It is actually not fair for the girls since they have just finished a race and now they are ordered to compete with men. But Princess Pingyang agrees with the challenge. She calls for her backup team.
The girls from the backup team perform even better. They beat the other two teams not by a large margin, but it is a clear victory. At first, they were behind, but as soon as the boat lifts above the water, their speed quickly accelerates.
Emperor Wu names the team as “Flying Dragon team” and all girls receive additional rewards.
When I get home late at night, I see Huo is waiting for me by my door.
Apparently every imperial guards around me knows him and they all salute to him when passing by. I don’t want to invite him in. So I stop the carriage in front of him. I have not seen him since I received the order to make armor, which is about four months ago.
“Are you waiting for me, General Huo?” I ask him.
“Emperor Wu wants to see you tomorrow after morning session.” He says it in an official tone.
“I will be there on time.” I say to him. Although I am a little surprised that he is doing a messenger’s job. But I keep my curiosity inside and signal my coachmen continue until in front of my house.
I get off the carriage and walk towards my front gate.
“Shiaonu.” He calls me from behind.
I stop and turn. “Do you have anything else, General Huo?” I ask him.
He looks at me intensely for a while, then he yields away and shakes his head.
I walk into my house and close the gate behind me.
As I have expected, Emperor Wu wants me to work in his Navy to design boats. I agree on going there as soon as I finish the armor.
Hydrofoil boat design doesn’t have any practical use for Han’s Navy. It requires speed which in Han’s technology, there is no way they can get a big boat to the speed that can be lifted above the water. The design they have for the boats is already leading the way comparing with others in the same era. Their main battle boats, which are called tower ships, can be three or four stories high. With long oars sticking out from the holes, the upper decks can hide soldiers using crossbows and lances through the openings. The exterior of the boat is covered by felt, which can help against fire. At the very top deck of the tower boat, there are trebuchets for hurling stones or hot oils. But the problem of this boat is its stability. While it’s all right to be used in rivers or lakes with subdued wind, these boats will flip right away on the ocean. And just like any wooden boat, even with felt, it won’t stand a chance with real intense fire.
But those are not my concerns. Emperor Wu has already set his mind to the countries next to the south end of his borders. They are behind lakes and rivers, so the reason he has established the navy is again for war and for conquering.
My only interest in boat design is to know more about current technology, such as how they make a boat water proof and what kind of glue they use. With access to the most experienced boat builder recruited by the Navy, I have a much better understanding of the current technology. My goal is to build myself a boat beyond this time and beyond this world.
I have being thinking about what I should do next since Zhao Yan died. Neither Han nor Xiongnu is the place I want to stay any more. Too many memories and too much pain, I’d like to start fresh by going some places where I won’t be constantly reminded of the past.
I believe I have done everything I can for Zhao Yan’s tribe. They should be able to make a living with the sales of cashmere and the money from liquor stores as subsidies. With the increasing influence of Zhao Xin Xiongnu, the interests of Zhao Yan’s tribe will also be protected.
And for my family in Han, I have actually become their source of sorrow. Without me, their life is going to be much more peaceful and less turbulence. Both my brothers are married with kids. Their lives are very well. My parents are enjoying their time with their grandchildren in a prosperous lifestyle.
It is the time for me to go some places where I can just be myself and by myself.
There are a lot of islands on the South China Sea. The weather is warm and the life is peaceful. It might not be safe for me to live alone on the islands at first, but I can always build myself a large boat that I can live on. It is also close to south region of Han, where I can get on the shore whenever I need to replenish. If I am lucky and find a perfect island that I can live, then I can settle on the island and live my life in an isolated but peaceful way.
Chang’an is located in the middle of the country. I need to go to coastal area next to the Pacific Ocean and build my dream boat there.
The opportunity comes when fall is here.
The officials of the Navy propose to Emperor Wu about setting up a new Navy ba
se right by Bo Hai Bay, where the Yellow River empties into the Pacific Ocean. It is a good location since troops and supplies can be shipped via the Yellow River from Chang’an. However the warships have to be built right by the ocean. The size of the boat for the ocean makes it impossible to sail through a narrow river path.
Emperor Wu quickly approves the proposal and asks for the final location of the Navy shipyard.
I have been told by Mr. Yang that, because of my work in Lake Kunming, my name is on the top of the list to survey and select the final location. However, when the final list presented to Emperor Wu, my name is not there.
But how can that stop me? Without the royal business for cover, I can still go there on my own. Not only a lot of skilled boat workers will be relocated there, all supplies for boat building will be sent there as well. It is just a perfect place for me to build my own boat.
I quickly dive into preparation. For a long period, I start feeling like something green is budding out from the frozen cold winter ground.
I talk with my family about my plan to travel to east coast. I have run away twice and I don’t have the heart for the third time without letting them know first.
“It might be a few years before I come back.” I tell my parents and my two brothers. “But I want to explore that region.”
To my surprise, they all support me. I believe they’d rather see me happy and alive than living a dead life in Chang’an. Jinu starts helping me in preparation.
I also send the message to Zhao Xin and ask him to contact the manager in Shuofang to take over the ownership of the Baijiu stores. As for the perfume store, I have transferred the ownership to Mrs. Chen. She has been happily married for a long time, but her husband lives on the inherited land and her son would never come cross with the idea of supporting his mom financially. Mrs. Chen has been genuinely kind to me. She stands on my side even when her relationship with Huo has already been very fragile. For the social club, I have transferred my portion of ownership to Princess Pingyang. I believe her influence will guarantee the safety of Aunt Red, who in turn can help the tribe.
“I am going to leave to the east coast.” I tell General Wei and Princess Pingyang. “I don’t know when I will come back. “
I see the sadness on their faces. But they know it is the right thing for me to do. I leave a sealed wooden box to General Wei.
“Please open it after I leave. I believe you can find answers to a lot of questions. I will leave it up to you to decide what to do.”
There are two bamboo scrolls inside the box. One is a copy of the petition Huo will present to Emperor Wu next March and the other is a list of events that will happen according to my memory.
“On November of Year 118BC, the 5th year of Yuanshou, at the Palace of Ganquan, Li Gan will be shot to death by General Huo Qubing. Li Gan has injured General Wei Qing to take revenge for his father’s death. It will be ruled as accidental death by Emperor Wu.
On March of Year 117BC, the 6th year of Yuanshou, General Huo will send a petition to Emperor Wu asking the declaration of three princes to be kings and to live in their own kingdoms. Officials such as Huo Guang, Zhang Tang, Zhuang Qing Zhai, Zhao Chong, Li Xi’and Ren An will concord.
On April of Year 117BC, the 6th year of Yuanshou, three princes will be declared as kings and will be sent away to live in their own kingdoms.
On September of Year 117BC, the 6th year of Yuanshou, General Huo Qubing will die.
On Year 108BC, the 3rd year of Yuanfeng, General Zhao Ponu will conquer Lou Lan and Che Shi.
On Year 106BC, the 5th year of Yuanfeng, General Wei Qing will die.
On Year 92BC, the 1st year of Zhenghe, General Gongsun He will be killed. Gongsun Jingsheng will be killed. Mrs. Gongsun will be killed. Princess DangLi will commit suicide. Princess Zhuyi will be killed. Princess Shiyi will be killed. Princess Yangshi will be killed. Wei Kang will be killed.
On Year 91BC, the 2nd year of Zhenghe, Empress Wei will commit suicide. Crown prince Liu Ju will commit suicide. General Zhao Ponu will be killed. Official Wei An will be killed.
Year 87BC, the 2nd year of Houyuan, Emperor Wu will die. Huo Guang, Jin Midi, Shangguan Ji, Sang Hongyang will be regents.
Year 74BC, the 1st year of Yuanping, Liu Bingyi, the grandson of Prince Liu Ju, will become Emperor of Han.”
Huo comes to my place the night before I leave. I have already obtained the approval from Emperor Wu about my traveling to the east coast.
“If I don’t come here, you are not going to say farewell to me.” He says to me sarcastically after I invite him sit down and pour him a cup of tea.
“I don’t even know where you live.” I tell him calmly. I have been thinking about saying goodbye to him. But I just don’t know how to do it. There are so much past, so many emotions, and so many entanglements between us. Every time I see him, I just want to run away as far as I can.
“Where else,” He says bitterly. “I still live in the house you bought for me.”
“Oh, that house.” I can’t help my mocking tone. “The love nest I have prepared for you and the mother of your son.”
He stands up angrily. I start counting, trying to guess how long it will be before he storms out.
But he just takes a couple of steps towards the door, then he walks back to me.
“Why is it all right for Zhao Yan to have so many women and I am doomed for just one?” He asks me angrily.
“It was never all right with him either. Yes, he had a lot of wives and he had lots of women in the brothel in the past, but he has never cheated on me nor has he ever betrayed my trust. His heart is as clean as crystal. But you are different. Not only you have cheated on me, you did not even have the guts to tell me the truth when I asked you who she was. You just wanted me to find it out myself and swallow whatever humiliation you threw to me. How can you compare yourself with Zhao Yan? You are a liar, a cheater and a coward.” I can’t help but going off.
“I did want to tell you.” He says it in a deflated tone. “But I was afraid you would leave me.”
“Damn right I would.” I sneer at him. “I don’t share man just like I don’t share my toothbrush.”
“I was never meant to hurt you.” His voice is calm and subdued now. “Even now I still don’t know exactly what has happened. I usually have hard time getting close to others. But with her, it was like a spell cast on me.”
“Of course it was a spell. Of course you don’t remember. Whatever it was, it was not your fault.” I have to mock him for such lame excuses.
“No, I am responsible and I knew I have done something wrong.” He shakes his head as if he did not get my sarcasm. “When my father sent me the news of her pregnancy, I did not believe it. I was there one night. But I could not stand another kid growing up as a bastard like me. So I took her back to Chang’an. I knew you would be very mad at me. But even at that time, you were the only one I could depend on. I thought after you initial anger, you would help me find a solution. So I asked you to find a house to place her.”
“That was not true. You asked me to find a house. I thought it was for your brother. If I knew it was for your lover, I would have told you to go to hell.”
“That’s why I dare not to tell you.” He says in frustration. “I did not know what to do. My father suggested to take Huo Guang with me. While I calm down your anger, he can take care of her.”
“Good arrangement.” I taunt him. “Your brother called her Sao Sao right in front of my face as if he did not know who I was. Now I can finally understand why everyone in Huo family has been so despised by Wei family. Because you guys are bunch of slippery and slimy scumbags.”
He doesn’t say anything. But I can see his jaws tighten up. I feel amazingly good of letting go of my anger.
“What about you?” He says it in a very cold and vengeful tone. “You did not waste any time leaving me. You did not even wait for me to tell you what had happened. You might have planned to leave me way ahead of the time. Otherwis
e how could it be so perfect a transition when Zhao Yan showed up?”
I scoff at his vivid imagination. “I did wait for you to tell me about her. I asked you directly. But you did not answer me. So the very next day, I went to that house trying to get to the bottom of it. But what I saw was you holding her hands and telling her how you wanted to have a daughter as beautiful as she was. What more did you want to tell me?”
He looks at me in shock. “You were there?”
“Of course, I was probably ten steps away from you two. But your two love birds could only see each other.” I laugh loudly. “General Huo, as far as I could tell, you were indeed under a spell. You were under a love spell.”
He slowly shakes his head. “No, I was never in love with her. I was lost. But I have never loved anybody else other than you.”
“Please! Save your breath.” I say it coldly. “What can you possible say about what has happened? I just know while you were fooling around and having fun with other woman, I was struggling between life and death in the Gobi desert.”
“I did not have fun. In fact, I have been living in hell.” He complains to me. “Since you left, my life have been a total mess. Other than Emperor Wu, everyone has treated me coldly. My uncle, my aunts, my cousins, they all acted as if I was the biggest jerk in the world. I know you have been close with them, but I only realized how much they liked you after that.”
I sigh. It appears that he still doesn’t have a clue what has been going on. How could he not see the politics around him?
“Just like you thought I was merely angry and jealous, you don’t see how you have hurt those who have cared for you for years. While you were showing off your victories, you hurt the feelings of General Wei and you insulted the rest of Wei families. The worst of it all, you have involuntarily allowed somebody else to hurt them by leveraging your victory. To me, you have been self-centered and apathetic, to them, you are just pure stupid and arrogant. ”
My Soul is in the Sky Page 37