I stop my work on my boat. I do not know how much time I have left with him. So I’d like to spend every minute by his side. We don’t talk about future, neither do we plan for anything. We just stay next to each other.
By the end of August, he becomes silent more and more frequent. I often see him lost in thought while looking at the mainland. Once again, I feel the desperation that I had when Zhao Yan decided to go to battle. And this time it’s worse since I can’t give Huo what he wants.
I have become the Cassandra of Troy, cursed by the power of prediction and punished by watching the fall of Troy and the death of everyone around.
It frustrates me so bad that I start packing for him: A belt with gold cake and a couple set of clean clothes. He always like to travel light.
In the morning at the breakfast, I tell him I am going to sail to the mainland and would like him to come with me. He agrees without asking any question.
When we get to the mainland, I take him to a horse market and ask him to pick the best one he can find there.
“Why do we need a horse?” He asks me.
“You need one to go back to Chang’an.”
“What are you talking about?” He asks me in a puzzled look.
“Go home. That is where your home is. You should go back.”
“Shiaonu.” He begins to look angry. “I told you I am going to stay with you. I am not going anywhere.”
“Please listen to me.” I suddenly feel exhausted. “You came here based on what I have told General Wei. You probably were paniced what you found out. You wanted to verify everything. But just as you said, nobody really knows what really happens. If you don’t go back, you will always wonder what if everything I said is not true. You will be more and more agitated by that thought. That’s why I’d rather you go back to where you belong.”
He becomes quiet while staring at me intensely.
“You don’t want me to be here and you want me to go back.” He finally says.
“That’s not what I am trying to say.” I exclaim. “I am glad you have come here and I don’t mind you staying with me at all. But it is not fair for you to give up everything just based on what I have said.”
“What do you think I have given up?” He asks me.
“Your status, your money, your son, your…” I can’t continue. He cares for none of them.
Seeing me unable to continue, he lets out a light laugh.
“But what about you?” He asks. “What will you do if I leave here?”
“I am already grateful that you have come here.” I say to him difficultly. “I will continue building my boat and sail the world later as I have always dreamed.”
“And you don’t want me to travel the world with you.” His voice trails down again.
I stay quiet. I can’t deny that I have dreamed of sailing the world with him, especially after we engaged. I did plan on convincing him to leave after Battle of Mobei. But that dream was vaporized later.
He can’t get any response from me. He continues.
“If what you said is true, you know that going back to Chang’an means…”
I nod. Tears start burning in my eyes. “Yes, I do. But I don’t want to hold you here and I don’t want to be the one you settle for either.”
He grabs me into his arms so abruptly that I almost lost my balance.
“How can you be such a fool! “ He says to me. “I am as anxious as you are finding out what will happen and how it will happen. But that doesn’t mean I regret coming here at all. When I see you around, I feel calm and peaceful. Even if I die right now, I feel lucky enough, since I am with you.”
I can’t say anything but let the tears fall. I begin to understand what has been bothering me is my fear to accept him again. I have known his passion for me when I saw him waiting for me by the beach and I have known his determination when he told me he wanted to stay with me until he dies. But I have been scared. I have been scared of being happy again and lose it all again.
“Shiaonu.” He calls me desperately. “Can’t you tell that I am deeply in love with you? Even now when you try to kick me out of your life, all I want to do is to kiss you.”
I can’t help thinking how he picks the noisy and smelly horse market to say the most romantic words to me.
“I know you meant everything you said. But…” I mumble.
“Did you plan to go somewhere as soon as I leave to Chang’an?” He suddenly asks me.
I admit it shamefully by nodding my head. I don’t want to stay here waiting for the news of his death.
“I have to put a chain on you.” He sighs. “Whenever things happen, your first reaction is always to run away.”
While tears are still on my face, I crack up. “Am I really that bad?”
“Worse. Not only you run away, you run away and find somebody else.” He says it through his clenched teeth. “I wonder if there is anything in your world that can track the location of another person.”
“Yes, there is. But you need to have a satellite first.”
“What is satellite?”
“…”
October 1st has never been so important in my life. Not only is it the beginning of a new year in Han, but also marks the new life for Huo. I have been driving him crazy recently by not allowing him to do anything dangerous at all, that includes no swimming, no sailing, and no hiking. I constantly have nightmare about his death. So many times he woke up by my screaming or crying in the middle of the night.
But on the last day of the sixth year of Yuanshou (117BC), I finally become calm. We wake up late in the morning. Then we spend all day working on the boat. For dinner, I make the noodle in the fish soup. He likes to eat noodle more than rice.
“We need to find you a new name and a new identity.” I talk to him while he is washing the dishes after dinner. The idea that he will survive prompts the planning for his new life.
“Is it about the purchasing of this island?” He asks me. The island we are on has never been claimed by anybody. So I have asked Mr. Bing on how to officially claim it since I’d like it to be a permanent base for us. With some fee and annual property tax, Mr. Bing said I can officially own it.
“Yes. I think we can register under your name, of course, with new name and new identity. So we can take care of two things at the same time.”
In Han, the registration of population has been enforced. Not only it is used for tax purpose, it is also used for marriage, business transaction and military services. The records are in such detail that even pets and animals are recorded.
“Do you have any idea how to get a new identity?” He asks while drying out the dishes with a towel. I can’t help smiling on how fluent he is now with house chores.
I show him the bamboo slip I have taken from Mr. Bing’s office while he is not looking.
“It’s so easy here. I pulled this one out from the pile of deceased records. I can just change other information on it and put it back to Mr. Bing’s office.”
“That is so smart. Let me see what’s on this one. Liu Fang, male, thirty five years old, wife deceased, and sons deceased, live in Rock Gate Village. No recorded property.” He laughs. “This one is perfect. No family, no property, and I can keep the beard to look like thirty five.”
I reach out and touch on his beard he has been keeping. “You are only twenty four years old. No matter how much beard you have, you are still too young to look like thirty five. Twenty six maybe. I don’t want to marry a thirty five years old widower anyway.”
“So you are ready to marry me now?” He picks out the important message right away.
My face blushes. “My parents will be very happy that I am finally getting married.”
When Mr. Bing gives me the message box in his office, I confirm to him again that I am going to marry the crazy guy whose name is Liu Fang.
“The record shows that his wife and kids have all died.” He tells me while reading from the bamboo slip I just put in. “And he has no mo
ney at all.”
“Yes, I know.” I give him a big grin while opening the box. “But don’t you see how good looking he is? Who can let go of such a hot guy?”
My shameless comments make him speechless.
The message from General Wei is simple. “General Huo died.”
I jump out of the chair and tell Mr. Bing. “He is dead. General Huo is dead. I have to tell him. That is a big news.”
Without listening a word from Mr. Bing, I rush out of his office.
Huo is waiting for me outside. Seeing me running towards him, he opens his arms catching me.
“What is it?” He asks. “Something wrong?”
“You made it. You made it. You have been right about history.” I raise my head to him. “You are officially dead.”
I hand him the bamboo scroll. He takes it and read it again and again. Then he starts chuckling. I start laugh too.
“Baby, your old fiancée is officially dead. Now do you want to marry a poor crazy and old widower?” He says with a mischievous smile on his lips.
“I can’t hardly wait.”
“How about we register the marriage right now?” He pushes it.
I nod my head and before he realizes it, I raise myself on my tiptoe and give him a fast and soft kiss on his lips.
“Yes, let’s get married now.”
I see the red color quickly takes over his whole face. He puts his arms around me and lifts me up to his eye level.
“Oh, Shiaonu, you are so beautiful. I love you so much!” He says.
“I love you too.”
In his eyes, I see the reflection of myself.
The sun is bright and the breeze is gentle, we stand on the beach, young, beautiful and full of joy, from inside to outside, from head to toe, and from body to soul.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Summer Murong has lived her life to the full. As a descendant of Xianbei, she has a passion for the history of Xianbei, Xiongnu, Mongols, Tibetan and Chinese.
My Soul is in the Sky Page 39