by Lisa Simmons
"Why did you leave?" he asked, following up his statement before I could respond. His voice was impossibly deep, and so quiet I almost couldn't hear him. Reluctantly, I pushed myself off my side and leaned my arm across his chest to prop myself up so I could look at him. Every inch of my skin that was pressing into his felt like it was on fire. I needed to be able to see his reactions, no matter how much it terrified me.
"And tell me the truth," he demanded, his eyebrows pulling tightly over his eyes as he watched me closely. I swallowed harshly and inhaled sharply before I spoke, steeling myself to tell him the truth, no matter how much it scared me.
"Because... I'm terrified," I admitted, my eyes holding tightly to his fierce gaze. I had already admitted as much, but the reason behind my pathetic fear was yet to be revealed to him. He rolled his eyes, impatient with my vague answer.
"You've already said that, Abigail."
A frown fell across my face, upset by his flash of irritation. I could see why he was irritated- I was pulling him in two different directions. Most of the time, I refused to acknowledge my actual feelings for him and insisted that I wanted nothing more from him than sex, but other times, like when I'd snapped earlier tonight out of hurt and jealousy, I acted like I wanted more. Then when he would demand an explanation, all I could offer up was that I was scared from offenses he hadn't committed. He couldn't win, no matter what he did all because I had too many walls and too much damage already inflicted on me by someone else.
It wasn't fair.
He started to shift beneath me, as if trying to create some space and get away from me. It surprised me when tears pricked at the back of my eyes; this was going all wrong- he was getting annoyed again by my lack of expression when I was supposed to finally be telling him what I was really feeling.
"Stop, please," I pleaded, my fingers pressing into his skin to stop him from moving away from me. My head dropped as my lips pressed into his chest, silently pleading with him to stay cuddled next to me. As soon as my lips touched his skin, he stopped his resistance and relaxed once more. A short burst of relief flooded through me.
"Are you gonna stop with this 'I-don't-care' bullshit then? Because you act like you don't care but it's pretty clear that you do when you're shoving me off another girl," he said, his tone less harsh than it had been a few seconds ago.
"That's why I'm scared, Reece, because I do care. I'm afraid if I let you in anymore I won't be able to handle it if it... goes bad," I said, my pulse thumping nervously through my veins. "Seeing you with that girl tonight... it was like you stabbed me in the chest."
There. I had finally admitted it. I cared too much already and seeing him with someone else had made me lose my mind and gutted me at the same time.
"Then why did you leave, Abigail? If you didn't want me to be with someone else, why didn't you just stay?" he asked, his tone so laden with emotion I could practically feel it. His eyes were searing into mine and I couldn't look away.
"I don't know, I thought if I left it would make things easier for us both but clearly that was wrong."
"Clearly."
"I should have stayed, Reece... I'm sorry," I mumbled, my lips pressing into his skin again without even realizing it.
"I wish you would have," he admitted quietly. I was surprised when I felt his hand rise to my back, his fingers tickling lightly as he let them rake gently down my skin. It was one of the first gentle touches he'd given me, besides last night when he had really kissed me for the first time.
"When you were... with that girl," I started, cringing at the thought. "Did you still want it to be me?"
I chewed my lip nervously, afraid I had wounded him too deeply by leaving and that he would decide he didn't like me anymore, despite his admission that he wished I had stayed and the tentative way his hand trailed down my back.
"Well I was still pretty mad at you," he admitted. "And it was the only way I could think to get you off my mind, to be with someone else, but it didn't work."
"So..."
"Of course I did. Even though I was pissed and... hurt... I wanted it to be you."
My head was ducked down, my mouth resting against his skin, and a smile started to spread across my lips at his words. Relief so strong flooded through me I was surprised I didn't shudder. He still liked me.
"Good," I said simply, raising my head to look at him more directly, my smile widening even more. A hint of amusement flashed across his features.
"Oh, good, is it?" he said, his tone teasing and light, drastically different from the heavy, loaded tone he had just been using.
I nodded and bit my lip to try and hide my smile.
"Yes," I swallowed nervously. "I want... I want to be the only one you want to kiss."
He watched me closely for a while, examining my nervous expression, his gaze lingering on my lip bit into my mouth before I remembered how much that turned him on. I released it quickly, a guilty smile playing on my lips.
"You are," he said quietly, dragging his gaze from my mouth to lock onto mine. My heart jolted in my chest, ecstatic at his admission. His fingers slid from my back to cup the nape of my neck, pulling me toward him easily as his lips found mine. They pressed into mine gently, the spaces between our own lips filled perfectly by each other's and igniting the fire that was still smoldering in the pit of my stomach. His lips molded around mine carefully, kissing me slowly and feeling every minute movement before he pulled back and let his head fall to the pillow again. The muscles of his chest relaxed beneath my hands.
"What are we doing, Abigail?" he asked quietly, his hand still cradling my neck as his fingers dug into my hair. "'Cause it's obvious we can't stay away from each other and you've finally stopped lying to everyone and admitted that you actually do care, so what do we do?"
"You knew I was lying?" I asked, ignoring the rest of his question for the time being.
He gave me an extremely skeptical look. "Yes." His tone suggested that it had been pretty obvious, just as I suspected.
"Oh," I stated simply. I let my fingers resume their light tracing of his skin, and his thumb ran lightly across my cheek.
"So, like I said, what do we do?"
"I don't know," I admitted. As terrified as I was to pursue something further than simply sleeping with him, I knew I couldn't lie to myself any longer. I wanted more, and there was no way I'd be able to watch him with anyone other than myself without losing my sanity. To continue to deny these facts would only serve to hurt me further, which would counteract all my logic in the first place. It was time to fully cave, and we both knew it.
"We could... I don't know, go out once? Like on a date?" I suggested, unsure of how this really worked. I had never even had a relationship like this before, much less try to transition one into something else. He frowned, the idea of a date extremely foreign to him.
"I've never done that," he admitted.
"Well I've never done this, so there you go," I said, gesturing between us and indicating to our strange, seemingly-strictly physical relationship. Or at least what had been a strictly physical relationship. He was quiet as he pondered my suggestion, his eyebrows knitting tightly together and his teeth nibbling on his lip.
"We could do that," he agreed tentatively. "But I'm not your boyfriend."
His expression was suddenly stern as he raised an eyebrow at me, making it clear that I did not yet have full claim over him.
"And I am not your girlfriend," I responded, actually relieved by his distaste for the terms. I was nowhere near ready to go down that road; it was difficult enough for me to admit my feelings and take the step towards going on an actual date.
"Glad we're clear," he said, laughing lightly. His laugh was so beautiful, and I wanted to hear more of it. His face lit up when he smiled, which he rarely did so far in our... relationship. I had seen him laugh several times, but almost always from across a crowded room as I failed to tear my gaze from him and tried to ignore the jealou
sy that flared up for whoever it was making him laugh. I wanted to be that person.
"But, I think we should have rules," I stated, needing some structure now that we had finally decided to throw caution to the wind and lay our feelings out on the table. He nodded in agreement.
"Okay, like what?"
"Like... no hooking up with anyone else," I said, the image of Reece's lips lowering to that girl's ear still fresh in my mind. I shivered as I tried to shake the thought from my brain. He didn't answer right away, and I was afraid he was going to shoot down my first and quite frankly, most important request.
"Yeah, I agree," he finally said. I let out a breath I hadn't realized I had been holding and nodded happily.
"And... I don't know, do you have any?"
"No leaving in the morning without an explanation," he said quickly. Too quickly, it seemed, because he sucked his lips into his mouth and tried to appear nonchalant. It occurred to me how much that must have really affected him if he spit out that rule so quickly. Guilt surged through me at the thought of him waking up, cold and alone, in an empty bed wondering what he'd done wrong.
"Deal," I said, ducking my head down again and pressing a kiss over his heart, trying to take away some of the ache I must have caused him. He smiled softly at my action.
"I have one more, unless you have any?" he asked, raising an eyebrow at me. I shook my head, unable to come up with any other major rules. As long as he didn't touch any other girls, I would be happy.
"No, what's your rule?" I asked, nervous as to what it could be but knowing I would agree anyway.
"No lying. Ever. Not about something you've done, not about what you're feeling, and no more bullshit acting like you don't care when you do, 'cause that counts as lying," he said firmly. I was surprised he had come up with this rule himself, because he'd also have to follow it. Not that he had ever really lied to me, it just seemed like an odd rule for a man to make.
"Okay," I agreed softly. I liked his rule, but it scared me; it was like he fully expected me to attempt to lie about something, even if he didn't know what it was. In all honesty, I didn't have a good track record, what with me lying practically every chance I got about how I felt about him.
"Okay," he repeated, a soft smile pulling at his lips as he retired his stern tone. "If we go to sleep, are you still gonna be here in the morning?"
I grinned at him and let my fingers trace up his neck and along his jaw. "That's the rule, isn't it?"
He rolled his eyes playfully, something I wasn't sure I'd ever seen him do. "That's the rule, but do you want to stay this time?"
"Yes, I want to stay," I answered quietly, inching myself closer to his lips.
"Then stay," he requested, his voice no more than a whisper. He lifted his head just enough to press his lips against mine, their warmth leaking through my skin and spreading to my entire body. I pulled back just enough to mumble my reply, my lips nudging his as I spoke.
"Okay."
"The only flaw, you are flawless, but I just can't wait for love to destroy us."
Chapter 16
The first thing I registered when I woke up in the morning that was my bed was hot, too hot, but in the best way imaginable. It took me a second to remember the reason for the warmth searing into my skin, the weight of another person resting pressed tightly against my chest and stomach, and the torso my arm was wrapped around. Everything came flooding back to me at once, my mind, body, and senses being overwhelmed by her. By Abigail. To say it felt good to have her body pressed into mine, folding perfectly into my body, was an understatement. I was surprised to find how tightly I had her clutched to me, my arm that was slung around her waist positively clinging to her. It was like I had been afraid she would try and leave again, so I had held on desperately even in my sleep. I suppose that part was true. Her admission last night that she did have feelings for me had practically made my heart explode with relief, so happy to hear her finally admit to what I knew she was feeling. Try as she might, I could read her like a book. She was an awful liar, and her true emotions were often spelled out on her face. She had been desperately fighting to deny her feelings not only to me, but to herself, finally caving in last night in the dark and wrapped around me. What maybe surprised me the most was how much I had revealed. Never in my life had I so much as had an inkling of affection for a person, much less felt it so strongly so early and told her the relative truth. I had opened up before she had, even if I had reverted, twice, into my old habits, which she had forgiven. I had never felt guilt for my actions, but there was no other word for what I had felt last night when she told me how much it had hurt her to see.
Both of us were guilty of wounding the other, and both of us knew it.
I thought about how terrified I had been when she suggested we go on an actual date, because I had never gone on anything remotely close to a date. Even when I was younger, I didn’t date. Now was the first time I actually wanted to spend time with someone, which made me feel vulnerable. I didn’t like feeling vulnerable, but I was going to have to if I wanted to see Abigail. The rules made me feel a little better, although it had been like a hit to the gut when she’d immediately said no hooking up with other people; it wasn’t because I wanted to continue seeing other girls, it was because she thought I was so likely to. I supposed that was fair of her to assume, seeing as I’d done it twice now. She had been surprised by my rules, but accepting. Embarrassment had flashed through me when I instantly demanded no leaving in the morning, the wound from her leaving me still very fresh in my mind. Little flashes of my fear had shown through, but I hoped she hadn’t picked up on them too quickly.
The lying rule was actually much more to my benefit. I hadn’t really lied to her at all so far, and had no real plans to. She knew who I was so I wasn’t going to try and hide it. I had requested that rule mostly so she couldn’t keep shutting down her feelings and lying to me about them. It had been hard enough to pry out of her the first time- I couldn’t imagine having to do that from here on out. If she had to be honest, this would go a lot more smoothly. It felt, for once, we had finally laid our feelings out on the table, for real. I felt happy.
Abigail shifted a bit in my arms, her back pressing tighter against me as her muscles flexed in her sleep. My face was pressed into the crook of her neck, her skin warm against my lips as I pressed them lightly to her shoulder. A quiet hum left her throat, and I wondered if she was actually awake. Her hand, which had been resting by her face, slowly slid down the sheets and over her stomach before covering mine, which was still wrapped securely around her. She squeezed lightly before taking a deep breath.
“Morning,” she said, her voice barely louder than a whisper and thick with sleep. So she had been awake.
“Hi,” I said, my voice even deeper than usual in the early morning. She squeezed my hand again and I couldn’t resist pressing my lips into her neck once more, the strange and unfamiliar yet wonderful feeling of her being here in my bed making me do things I normally wouldn’t. Both of us were still naked apart from our undergarments, so most of our heated skin was still pressed against each other’s, every inch of mine tingling. Her hand released mine and trailed up my forearm to trace a few of the tattoos that littered my skin. I watched her closely, taking in the gentle way she tickled the pads of her fingers around the outlines before sliding to the next one. Little goose bumps rose wherever she touched, and I couldn’t help but smile lightly against her neck. No one had ever touched me the way she was now, so delicately and gently and with such curiosity. If this was what it was like to cuddle throughout the night and wake up with them, I never wanted to spend another night alone.
“Reece?” she said quietly. I loved the way my name sounded as it rolled off her lips while I was pushing deep inside her, but the sound of her saying my name in the early morning, so soft and quiet and vulnerable, might have been my new favorite sound. This girl had me completely infatuated already.
“Hmm?”
“Do you still mean everything you said last night?” I could feel her apprehension as she asked, afraid that whatever we had decided last night had been in the heat of the moment and wouldn’t carry over into the daylight. Her body tensed against me and her fingers slowed their careful tracings as she waited for my answer.
“Yes,” I replied softly.
“Even the... going on a date part?”
Confusion flashed through my mind; did she want out? Was she hoping I hadn’t meant what I’d said last night so she wouldn’t have to go through with it?
Stop, Reece. You’re overthinking.
“Yes, I meant all of it. I want to try,” I said solidly, refusing to believe the rebellious thoughts bouncing around in my head. She relaxed against me and I knew I had just been overreacting. She didn’t want out, she was just afraid I would take it back. “Good,” she said softly, a smile pulling over her lips from what little I could see of her face.
“I can’t promise I’ll be good at it, or have the slightest clue what I’m doing though,” I warned. That much was true- I fully expected to be dreadful at the whole dating thing.
“That’s alright,” she answered, her smile pulling even wider. She surprised me when she rolled herself around, twisting in my arms until she was facing me. My arm that had been holding her to me now rested over her hip, my hand dangling down across her lower back where her skin was burning from it’s previous contact with me. I liked that I could feel the heat from my own body on her. Her face was inches from my own now, and I suddenly found it difficult to look at her. She was too beautiful to look at so closely in the early morning light; her eyes were bright and clear, their blue color radiating out between us and she looked like she was glowing. “Oh, that’s alright, yeah?” I teased lightly, something that surprised me. Since when did I tease people? Since when was I playful?